What do they mean when they say "Not into (head/mind) Games"?

[two4youinswva 3,067]

I wouldn't write the "gummy worm" guys off too soon. It's not really a "game" they're playing with you, just the reality of how a man's sexual response changes when faced with an unfamiliar situation, especially when his spouse is involved. They're probably fucking like piston engines as soon as they get home. Take a little time to get to know them and make them comfortable around you, and they'll fuck like piston engines when they come to your house, too.

 

I think the key is "Don't brag about what you can do in the sack". I think any lady that met a couple where the male half is respectful, intriguing, charming etc but doesn't brag on his prowess, then has a "gummy worm" issue, it will quickly be forgiven and understood.

However, if he is all the above things, and feels the need to tell her how he's the best she's ever gonna have, should be a porn star, and can go all night, then can't perform, well, he's put himself in quite the pickle hasn't he?

[northindycpl 32]

It's not easy to relax and "just enjoy the moment" when we're feeling responsible for the safety and well-being of another. Distraction=dysfunction. It takes time and practice to learn how to be a swinger.....

 

I'd be a little concerned with any husband who was too comfortable, too soon, with all this. I would think that any "normal" guy in a healthy, committed relationship ought to have other things on his mind besides his own dick the first time he meets a couple, especially when he's still new to the Lifestyle.

 

Very well said JnCC. I have witnessed this first hand! I think there is way too much emphasis on how hard a man 'should' be the first time. I think women are just as nervous, except since our dysfunctions are internal- we are the only ones who notice it.

 

I have performance issues a lot. I am typically a very wet woman when aroused. And I get aroused pretty readily. Several times I have had issues, and I am the only one who knows. But you do not hear bitching about that do you?

 

And each time it had nothing to do with the attraction I felt with the couple, or what I was doing. It all was casued by distractions.

 

It takes a lot of practice to swing. The misconception is that everyone is cut out for it, and that is not the case. It is hard to perform with an audiance-for real- for everyone

[newmajor00 48]

I find myself guilted into our first reply on this site.

 

We've actually been fairly lucky with avoiding the pitfalls of "game playing". Almost all of the new friends we meet come with the recommendation of the friends we already have.

 

We do get a lot of contacts from single males ( I think it's her picture), even though our profile states we are only looking for couples (...and possibly single women). Like some of the previous posts allude to, we don't want any poly relationship, just fun with friends. It seems easier with other couples. Still, we get the contacts, almost all of which we send a polite "thank you, but no".

 

I think we may be mistaken sometimes as a male posing as a couple, as I do almost all the replies. When that happens, I'll ask her to take over the typing.

 

The last comment is: Yes, is hard to reject another couple when you don't feel honestly attracted to them. I'd like to think we do pretty good at telling the truth, but we (I) probably need a little more work at it.

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

In all fairness to guys who have been somebody else's "gummy worm," (and I would include myself in that group) there HAS to be some attraction and a certain level of comfort in order for us to perform. Even when the woman is physically attractive (as I'm sure Mrs Naughty is) there's still the "comfort thing" to deal with. Things like, "Is my wife OK with the other guy? Is he OK with her? Is he OK with what his wife and I are doing?...that sort of thing.

 

It's not easy to relax and "just enjoy the moment" when we're feeling responsible for the safety and well-being of another. Distraction=dysfunction. It takes time and practice to learn how to be a swinger.

 

When the males you're talking about speak of their "sexual skill and endurance," they're probably relating it to their "1-on-1" performance with their wife...a situation they're very familiar with. But the first time you put them in bed with strangers, they're dangerously close to overload. Something's GOT to give. The first casualty is usually el-Dick-O...

 

If I were still part of a couple meeting other couples, I'd be a little concerned with any husband who WAS "too comfortable, too soon," with all this. I would think it's pretty normal for a male in a healthy, committed relationship to have other things on his mind besides his own pleasure the first time he and his wife meet a couple, especially if they're still "newbies" to the Lifestyle.

 

I wouldn't write the "gummy worm" husbands off too soon. It's not really a "game" they're playing with you, just the reality of how one's sexual response is affected when faced with an unfamiliar situation. They're probably fucking like piston engines as soon as they get home. Take a little time to get to know them and make them comfortable around you, and they'll fuck like piston engines when they come to your house, too.

 

That may all be true. I have had problems myself.

 

But I do not talk myself up either.

 

That was my point.

 

They promise to be Superman and turn out to be Robin.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I think the key is "Don't brag about what you can do in the sack". I think any lady that met a couple where the male half is respectful, intriguing, charming etc but doesn't brag on his prowess, then has a "gummy worm" issue, it will quickly be forgiven and understood.

However, if he is all the above things, and feels the need to tell her how he's the best she's ever gonna have, should be a porn star, and can go all night, then can't perform, well, he's put himself in quite the pickle hasn't he?

Exacty my thoughts.

 

I think Mr Naughty was refering to the second type of man.

 

I think we would all agree that sometimes we don't perform as well as we'd like, and as swingers, we are very understanding.

 

LM

[JakenReenie 17]

Oh, God. At the risk of showing our age, here goes:

 

With the couples we have met over the last few years, sex, performance, sexual prowess, etc. was barely mentioned if at all in correspondence and in the initial meetings.

 

I don't know if that's because we're a couple of old fart New England Yankees meeting similar folks or if it just wasn't that important at the time. With the couples we have met successfully, (that is, something developed), at that first social meeting, we laughed, we discussed past experiences, we laughed, we discussed our lives and jobs, we laughed, we ordered more drinks, we laughed and we decided we were comfortable enough with each other to get together again for some fun. I honestly think that if either partner had bragged about their sexual prowess in that first meeting, Reenie and I would both have been completely turned off.

 

We want to interact with swing partners as people, not just play connect the body parts. And we value friendships more than sex (although sex is right up there too). Maybe that's why we have friends who have dropped out of the lifestyle and still maintained their friendship with us, and in some cases, come back to the lifestyle. And maby that's why we have so many great fucking friends.

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

In all fairness to guys who have been somebody else's "gummy worm," (and I would include myself in that group) there HAS to be some attraction and a certain level of comfort in order for us to perform. Even when the woman is physically attractive (as I'm sure Mrs Naughty is) there's still the "comfort thing" to deal with. Things like, "Is my wife OK with the other guy? Is he OK with her? Is he OK with what his wife and I are doing?...that sort of thing.

 

It's not easy to relax and "just enjoy the moment" when we're feeling responsible for the safety and well-being of another. Distraction=dysfunction. It takes time and practice to learn how to be a swinger.

 

When the males you're talking about speak of their "sexual skill and endurance," they're probably relating it to their "1-on-1" performance with their wife...a situation they're very familiar with. But the first time you put them in bed with strangers, they're dangerously close to overload. Something's GOT to give. The first casualty is usually el-Dick-O...

 

If I were still part of a couple meeting other couples, I'd be a little concerned with any husband who WAS "too comfortable, too soon," with all this. I would think it's pretty normal for a male in a healthy, committed relationship to have other things on his mind besides his own pleasure the first time he and his wife meet a couple, especially if they're still "newbies" to the Lifestyle.

 

I wouldn't write the "gummy worm" husbands off too soon. It's not really a "game" they're playing with you, just the reality of how one's sexual response is affected when faced with an unfamiliar situation. They're probably fucking like piston engines as soon as they get home. Take a little time to get to know them and make them comfortable around you, and they'll fuck like piston engines when they come to your house, too.

 

Ok, I feel I need to add to what Mr. forgot-

Not only was this guy an asshole(he blamed ME for him not getting it up) his wife came over during the problem & whipered something in his ear. He whispered something back & she climbed back on top of my mr. I asked what that was about & he told me "I told her she could go without a condom since he can't get her pregnant".

 

I proceded to SNAP!!! I got out of the bed, I put on my clothes, we gathered up our stuff & we left.

 

I've had my share of guys who couldn't get it up. This particular one was more interested in watching me with his wife. It wasn't going to happen.

 

He was an all around asshole.

[JnCC 24]

Not only was this guy an asshole...his wife came over during the problem & whipered something in his ear. He whispered something back & she climbed back on top of my mr. I asked what that was about & he told me "I told her she could go without a condom since he can't get her pregnant

 

I've had my share of guys who couldn't get it up. This particular one was more interested in watching me with his wife. It wasn't going to happen.

 

He was an all around asshole.

"Assholes is assholes" ...and your experience proves that Gummy worms come in "asshole flavor" too. That deal with "the whispers" took some balls on their part, and would have sent me packing also.

[Guest smileytattoo]

I have to say that hubby gets kinda intimidated when he is with a beautiful woman. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut about how good he is cause it only makes him more nervous. There is one cpl we have been with a few times and he still feels this sense of awe with her. Some one posted some thing that I totally agree with.... Hubby is used to being with me, we have been together for 13 years now. But when we swing, his nerves do get in the way, and the first thing affected is the "ding-a-ling"

[HotMoCpl 20]

One way to get rid of trollers (single guys or cheaters) is to say that in you bio. Mine says if your SO isn't present just forget it.

[intuition897 2,177]

LMAO!!! We have met a "Don Juan" want to be before. Afterwards I laughed when I told hubby that I "took one for the team" .

 

LOL.. "Don Juan-abe". We've heard about it but we've never contacted or responded to ads where their egos were obviously overinflated. Yeesh! How boring to spend an entire evening with someone who can't stop talking about their wonderful selves. The 'gummi worm' effect is exactly what we figured would happen, so why bother? People who are suffering from insecurities to the point where they feel they need to boast about everything they only WISH they were.. need a reality check. The thing is, we've got better things to do with our time - like getting it on with real live people and having some fun - than waste it adjusting someone's ego for them. There are professionals out there who do that for a living.

 

We haven't had any serious games played on us like some have, but when we were more inexperienced soft-swingers, we had an issue with this one couple. We made the mistake of chasing people that we felt were ideal, because when a couple comes along that meets most of your expectations... well it's pretty rare, so we didn't want them to get away. We spent a lot of time doing anything and everything to keep their interest. We sent them dozens of photos, and received just as many. We spend literally months on endless chat and email. We met them a few times and had dinner with them. We kept waiting for something to happen, for them to give us some indication that they wanted to move to the next level, but we were kept indefinitely at arms length. I won't get into much detail here because I don't believe in badmouthing other couples, no matter how much I disagree with their practices. I'll say that they made it perfectly clear one night how inconsiderate they could be and just how different our definitions of 'friendship' are, and we stopped communicating with them.

 

Since then, we've figured out that if we don't get laid, so the hell what?! We don't chase people anymore and we don't put up with people wasting our time anymore either. It's just too valuable. Mr. works shifts, meaning we only get two weekends per month off together. Add to that our obligations to do family stuff with our two kids and you see our dilemma. Nope, we've learned our lesson.

[borrowlend 15]

We've been pretty fortunate in avoiding games, mostly. So far we've emailed/chatted with dozens of couples and went out on about 10 first meets.

 

Some pretty good ways to weed out the fakes:

 

1. In chatting, do they ask the right questions, i.e.: how long have you been swinging, why did you start swinging (I notice veteran swingers tend to ask this), what kind of experiences have you had so far?

 

2. Do they have good answers to these question when you ask them? (The very first couple we met couldn't really answer this and it turned out the wife knew about it but was clearly trying to please her disinterested husband--she had no real interest in swinging).

 

3. ALWAYS talk to both the male and female on the phone before meeting (I think this was mentioned already).

 

 

I agree with the above posts that said alot of "games" are people trying not to hurt the other couple's feelings. We almost got stuck in playing that with one couple: we met them, decided they were definitely not right for us and that we'd have to say no. But when we chatted with them later, they invited us to go out again the next weekend and my girl started to play the old "we'd love to but I'm working that night" game!!! The next day we had to fess up and explain that we made a mistake in leading them on and that we really weren't interested. It feels awful to reject someone but if more people would be upfront about it, at least we'd waste less time on fruitless endeavors.

 

It would really help if people just accepted the "no, thanks" and moved on. That's what we do, because who knows (w/ 4 people involved) why it is a no-go? I like to take the blame because I'm just some guy and my girl is cute and sexy--who wouldn't want her? But some couples try to grill us about why we are not interested and the whole awkwardness thing takes on new life. We just tell them it's chemistry and leave it at that.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

It would really help if people just accepted the "no, thanks" and moved on. That's what we do, because who knows (w/ 4 people involved) why it is a no-go?...But some couples try to grill us about why we are not interested and the whole awkwardness thing takes on new life. We just tell them it's chemistry and leave it at that.

This is so important to remember.

 

No matter how much you want to know WHY someone is turning you away, don't ask.

 

And the same is true if they ask you WHY you have turned them away, don't tell them.

 

Everyone will be better off.

 

LM

[good times 990]

This is so important to remember.

 

No matter how much you want to know WHY someone is turning you away, don't ask.

 

And the same is true if they ask you WHY you have turned them away, don't tell them.

 

Everyone will be better off.

 

LM

 

This is excellent advice, don't ask a question when it is probably certain you won't like the answer. We, like a lot of others before us, learned this the hard way and now if someone asks "why" the most we will say is "we just don't feel compatible" and will say nothing further.

[twoplayful2 16]

If we get a message from a couple we're not interested in I try to make sure I let them know right away but also keep it just really generic and short. If someone asked why or anything like that (it's happened once) I'm inclined to just ignore it. When we message someone we're interested in and they ignore us I don't followup and ask why, I don't get upset or anything, I just assume they're uncomfortable with declining people as well and that's just what they intended to do and I let it go.

 

I think that we've also been the game players, at least in the opinion of the other couple. I'm only posting this so maybe some might consider a different possibility other than the people are just rude, flakey or whatever. When we were very inexperienced still (we're really not *that* experienced yet, to tell the truth) another couple had pursued us quite a bit. We liked them and were interested in them and chased back also but we probably didnt move at the pace they were used to. After playing with them (soft swing) twice we all went on a little weekend trip to Vegas. We knew we'd be having sex but also thought it was also about having an all-around good time in Vegas with friends. My wife was also a little more nervous about everthing still just to the point that it really helped her get into the mood by going out drinking, dancing, flirting, etc. The other couple was a little more down to business. I think they got the impression we werent into them and we didnt really communicate well enough to let them know otherwise so the whole situation crashed and burned. We parted ways, never saw them again and I'm sure they think we were total flakes about it.

[intuition897 2,177]

Over and over you see it on profiles: No Head Games!

So what exactly counts as 'head games'? On another thread I just started the other day, we travelled to meet a single guy who showed up nearly 2 hours late, so we ditched him. I feel a little bad, but that's just because I'm a nice person. I feel that he wasn't playing straight with us. So now we're all pissy with each other, and we'll likely never meet - or at least arrange to meet - again. Does the drama that arose from this situation qualify as either party playing 'head games' with the other?

 

I guess my real question is, is there realistically any way to avoid some level of manipulation between parties in swinging? I mean, we all swear up and down to be completely open and honest, but do we divulge everything? I'd wager that we don't.

 

Part of being able to swing successfully seems to depend on being able to bond with your own partner, and set up an emotional barrier between yourselves and your play partners. I don't mean being cold, callous and uncaring; I just mean 'This is our relationship, and that's yours. So we'll take care of our own business and we'd appreciate it if you do the same.' No one wants the drama. We (Mr. and I) think that's a fairly healthy way to deal with things. The problem with this, however, is that it sets everyone up in teams. 'Us against them', sorta thing. Our loyalties are first and foremost to our own partners. Everyone realizes this. Trouble is, it doesn't exactly foster an atmosphere of trust, and everyone ends up a little paranoid. We're all quick to assume that someone is playing games with us at the very first sign. It would be great if we could all just take what we say to each other at face value, but the game players are out there and play-time is limited for most folks out there with regular vanilla lives.

 

So...what's your definition of 'head games'? Where does it cross the line from being an annoying quirk to actual manipulation? And are we swingers as hard-nosed and intolerant as I think we are about it? Could we stand to loosen up a little with the 'no head games' rule? If Mr. and I had been a little more flexible with our rule, who knows? We may have actually met a really nice guy the other night...maybe traffic was backed up, or maybe he just made a faux pas and told us a little white lie because he didn't want to lose our interest. If we'd given him the opportunity to find out that we would've appreciated his honesty more, we might've all been able to communicate things out and start over with a clean slate. But no, we were inflexible. We were intolerant. We felt manipulated, and our rules would stand. I just wonder if sticking so hard to our principles is keeping us from enjoying the lifestyle as fully as we could be?

[Spoomonkey 418]

Swinging requires a level of vulnerability. Vulnerability means a bit more caution. And caution is better than a bad experience.

 

I think we have all left a good experience or two laying on the other end of a "no thanks" reply, or the dreaded "we aren't comfortable moving forward" talk. It happens - and you can't put your finger on why you feel the way you do, but you do.

 

I, for one, trust my instincts. I am a fairly good judge of people - even if I can't always explain why I feel the way I do about them. And since my first loyalty is to my wife, I am not going to move into anything I am not 100% comfortable with. Has this been a buzz kill from time to time? Yes, it has. Have we adapted our rules along the way to account for "quirky unreasonableness" on either or both sides of the marriage? Yes we have. But, in the end, when I am done with swinging, I want to be moving into a new phase of this incredible adventure (marriage) and I'd rather look back on swinging and see a few missed opportunities than a ton of regret.

 

What's a "head game"? I think it is a term people use when they don't understand that couples have the right to change their mind...

 

Spoomonkey

[69&72 15]

We drove two hours to meet a couple once and it was pretty clear that the pics they had sent us were a few years old and a few pounds away from reality.

 

We very politely asked them about the differences between pics and reality and were told, "Yeah, those are old - been meanin' to get new ones - is that alright ?".

 

"Oh yeah, no prob ! Let's head to ya'll's place !"

 

As we all pulled onto the interstate, they took an exit to the left and we took one to the right .

 

72 said, "YOU ARE SO MEAN !"

 

We shoulda sued 'em for false advertising and got our gas and tolls back for punitive damages.

[intuition897 2,177]

Swinging requires a level of vulnerability. Vulnerability means a bit more caution. And caution is better than a bad experience.

...I want to be moving into a new phase of this incredible adventure (marriage) and I'd rather look back on swinging and see a few missed opportunities than a ton of regret.

 

What's a "head game"? I think it is a term people use when they don't understand that couples have the right to change their mind...

 

Spoomonkey

 

You have a point there, Spoo; swinging is about enhancing life. I guess it makes sense to avoid as many unpleasant experiences as possible when doing something that's supposed to be fun. Enough shit hits the fan of life without adding another unnecessary shovelful. Why go looking for it?

 

For all our professed experience and ease with the lifestyle, we still have a lot to learn, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Julie might've dubbed me as a board mentor, but I'd do well to maintain a little humility and realize that compared to many others in the lifestyle, we're still as green as grass. I really love this board because there's such a wide variety of members. It's a real treasure trove of wisdom that can only be attained through many years of experience.

[BradAndJanet 69]

... For all our professed experience and ease with the lifestyle, we still have a lot to learn, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Julie might've dubbed me as a board mentor, but I'd do well to maintain a little humility and realize that compared to many others in the lifestyle, we're still as green as grass. I really love this board because there's such a wide variety of members. It's a real treasure trove of wisdom that can only be attained through many years of experience.

Dito that!

 

I'd define 'head games' as any attempt to be duplicitous and manipulate others for your gain. If we detect any of that BS, it's 'game over'.

 

-B

[EvilMJ 65]

Boy do I have an example .

 

THere is a couple that we play with from time to time, who we also consider our friends now. However, they are the king and queen of the mixed signals. We never know fi they want to play or not. One minute they are making comments and innuendos that imply they want to play with us, the next they are acting like they do not want to play at all. Poor hubby almost goes insane trying to figure out what they want.

 

Finally we decided that they are just going to be friends, if they want to play we will consider it, but we are not going to spend time translating. We found another couple on the weekend to have some fun with....maybe that will send the point home.

 

Anyway, long story short, people who manipulate, people who think they want one thing but actually want another.....I am here to have fun people, not play therapist.

 

Oh and the late thing is a big pet peeve of mine...what ever happened to manners and common courtesy??

[Spoomonkey 418]

For all our professed experience and ease with the lifestyle, we still have a lot to learn, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

 

And you have us by three years

 

I think that is one of the things about the lifestyle that will always fascinate me - there is always something new to learn, because everytime a newbie tests the water, the whole thing changes again.

 

Swinging is a very dynamic thing.

 

Spoomonkey

[sir_dragonfire 15]

Headgames[/i]Yes that's my version of a headgame! It's rude, why even bother? Your wasting thier time & as well as his. Maybe he or she has time for headgames because they have no life or comitments.

[DBL D 120]

I guess I'm very different in this area. I will put up with a few head games, much more than Fem D, and of course that spells disaster for the meeting. If she feels like too much shit has happened while getting to know someone or that someone isn't being as upfront as they say they are, well that also spells doom. I know we went through, and still are going through, shit of our own now and then. I don't see why we can't take a bit from some other couple who is getting their feet wet, though if we didn't already have a few play partners, I might not think about it that way!

 

As for the barrier thing. Personally, I'd rather not have an emotional barrier between me and my partner. Way too clinical for me! I'm in it for fun, sure, but I want a bit of an attachment. I'd want to be as sensitive to her needs as I'd hope she was for mine. If there is a barrier, you are going to miss some important clues as to how things are going. If one night stands are what you're after, you'll surely get your wish.

 

I love how the mind works: especially if it works like mine does.

 

Male D

[alladin 15]

69/72 Ha Ha Ha

[GerdOEvert 48]

There is a book by Dr. Erich Bierne titled "Games People Play" He is an MD and Ph. D. I recommend i for life and for swingers.

 

His book is a classic and can be gotten in hard or softback

 

We all play games, swingers probably more than ohers.

 

 

Otto

[Studios2go 15]

Is a picture that is edited to make make his penis look lots bigger than it actually is a good game? This was actually an edited picture!

This actually happened to us about a year ago. He was suppose to be 14" long and thick..when we actually got there and started swinging with the couple...ahhhh it was less than half the size and the guy just wanted to sit there and watch.

 

My pet peeve in all the photos is that there are seldom any pictures of the men as at least I need to be attracted to them somewhat..and when you ask for one there seems to be a real lack of photos for them..but lots of the wife or other partner.

 

We too have several times ran into men that their wives have no idea that they are even on the site searching for a couple to swing with..and as I am a straight woman..these men tend to put on too often that their wifes are

Bi without their knowledge and without being Bi-sexual in any manor.

 

I have found that if the wifes (or signifigant other) gets a chance to chat on the phone together before an actual meeting this help eliminate lots of problems in the beginning.

If the other does not want to talk or discuss or even email back and forth then more than likely they are not interested or even know what is going on. A phone conversation is the best..

AND....Dont give anyone your home number...give them a cell number as if you dont like them later they can't trace out where you actually live and you can avoid weirdoe phone calls.

Leaving your home location as your own private spot until you truley know a couple is a good safe idea. There are lots of weirdoes out there as you can see from this thread.

[28volts 15]

Ok, here it goes. My wife and I (still virgins)were at a meet and greet and a older couple introduced themselves.We had small talk, during it the couple would mention several times that they just liked to watch people and would describe what kind of soft play they liked.I first started talking to the man, but when he introduced his wife and she did the talking then, to me.The same type of conversation continued, with her mentioning the same thing her husband did(watching,soft play)several times.We had mentioned we were newbies and were looking for the right couple.My wife got bored with her talking about watching and would turn to other more interesting conversations going on at the other tables.

My questions are, Was she playing a game ?

Is this what everybody talks about,games?

Does anybody take a more direct approach?

We are still new and not sure if more direct (to the point) conversation or physical contact is allowed when the topic goes towards sexual content.Let her touch me or I touch her.In my opinion, she should have asked us if we would be interested in play or as I would like to hear, Babe I want to s**k your d**k . That would have gotten my wifes attention and mine and there would be no miscommunication.

A hand on my lap would have said the same thing.Anyways, any help will be appreciated. Thanks S& J

[northindycpl 32]

I think that they were trying to tell you that they are interested in their own way. For us, it seems that after some pleasant conversation, if we are interested in another couple or they are interested in us, we start making comments such as those. Typically, I (Or Mr. Indy) will come right out and ask what kinds of play the couple is interested in.

 

I am not sure, but I am pretty certain, that I have never said to someone I just met that I would like to suck his dick.

 

I would suggest since you are new and your question involves communication, that you and your spouse set up your rules and signals. I would also suggest that you both determine what types of things you are interested in.

 

There are a lot of couples that just want to soft-swing, watch or be watched, there are a lot of couples that what to full-swap, same room or different.

 

Determining exactly what your comfort levels are with swinging and taking part in lots of conversations with potential playmates will help you to determine what to do next time.

 

I don't think she was playing a game, and I am not sure that 'game' is the right word. It sounds to me like they were interested in you both, at a minimum to watch you guys together.

 

Just like in your vanilla life, there are people that are more comfortable being direct then others. If you need 'direct' then you may be the one offering it.

[NCcuriouscpl 15]

We have heard many folks talk about the problem of people playing head games. Never thought it would happen to us, but it has. Has anyone else had this problem? Is it fairly common to the lifestyle?

 

One situation of this past weekend, was our involvement with a couple we had met on SLS. They were wanting to 'expand' their group, and had an interest in meeting. We met at a local club, and enjoyed their company until their 'friends' arrived....and the drama started. Seems they were 'exclusive' unbeknownst to us. The couple that arrived late, was surprised that our 'friends' were enjoying the company of others. Although this couple was invited to join us, they did not and the evening went on as planned.

 

The next evening, these two couples were together again.....and we felt we had been used as 'pawns' to create jealousy.

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences? And how did you handle them?

Mr. NCcurious is so fed up with behaviors such as this, he is ready to get out of the lifestyle. Any suggestions? We don't like being used!

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Wow. How did you end up finding out they were exclusive? Did they continue to play with you after their friends arrived and made a scene?

[NCcuriouscpl 15]

Actually, the couple that we were playing with had told us they 'had been' exclusive but were not any longer. Someone obviously did not communicate this within the foursome (or may possibly have been lying?)

 

We happen to know one of the club owners, and they filled us in on the details......as they had been approached by the second couple (the late arrivers) to find out who I was...(the woman in the red dress! LOL)...

 

And yes......we DID still play that evening with our 'friends', and they told us not to worry about it, they would handle the situation. Evidentally they did, as they were all together again on Saturday nite.......the one couple wandering, the other very clingy! We still felt that we had been used as 'pawns' in some way tho..........for grown ups to act this way is a bit ridiculous!

[Amanda69 24]

We have heard many folks talk about the problem of people playing head games. Never thought it would happen to us, but it has. Has anyone else had this problem? Is it fairly common to the lifestyle?

 

Unfortunately our expectations when we get into the lifestyle is that somehow people change totally into different creatures and the types of silly behaviors that went on before won't happen. Just because a couple is in the lifestyle does not guarantee they are mature, communicate openly and don't play games.

 

As with all other situations you have to get to know the people involved and decide for yourself if you want to chance being brought into situations such as these.

 

As for us once the games started we would have called a halt to the evenings events. He said, she said is just far more complicated between couples and you will never get the real story, so why bother.

[Spoomonkey 418]

I have to admit - I am not sure I see the head games here... But maybe I am missing something...

 

They met you at a club - and though they were interupted by a couple they knew quite well - they assured you that they would take care of it and you all enjoyed the evening together. It is unfortunate that there was drama involved (asking the club owner about you, etc.) but in the end you enjoyed your evening.

 

You say that the next day the two couples were together again. I don't know that this means that you guys were "played" - it simply may mean that they have a lot of chemistry and history and things apparently weren't as over as they thought...

 

So they hooked up again.

 

I agree that adults acting like that is sort of silly - the clingy couple seems needy and unable to enjoy the lifestyle without their security blanket; the other couple seems unable to end it cleanly. That probably tells you enough about them to write them off as an experience that didn't work - but I don't see how you were really played.

 

I agree with Amanda - we probably would have just ended things right there. The drama just isn't worth it. Deal with your ex's - and then we'll talk...

 

Spoomonkey

[havefuninsun 122]

Interesting situation. I do wonder how jealous some couples may get over their friends playing with more than just them. Sometimes hearing details of other experiences is a great turnon; other times it may make you wonder about how "safe" they are with other playmates, and other times it might make you jealous.

 

I've had vanilla girfriends before who were jealous over time I spent with other friends. Thought that odd, but reading this post made me think of that again.

 

Sorry it all made you feel uncomfortable, and I can understand your husbands frustration as well.

[Elric563 15]

We've had a similar situation about 6 months ago. A couple contacted us and wanted us to swing with just them and no one else. Very strange. It kind of defeats the purpose of swinging for us so we gave them the "Thanks, but no thanks" routine.

[wifes_sex_slave 16]

:rollseyes Move on, next!

[riswingcpl 16]

We've had a similar situation about 6 months ago. A couple contacted us and wanted us to swing with just them and no one else. Very strange. It kind of defeats the purpose of swinging for us so we gave them the "Thanks, but no thanks" routine.

 

They asked for exclusivity right out of the box...before you even met? Now THAT'S a new one on us...YIKES!!

 

Feets, don't fail me now!!!

 

M