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looking inside myself

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It's been a few months since the bomb was dropped, and both of us have had to wake up to the facts that surround us. On a positive note i've stopped my rambling and imaginary conversations whilst crashing my way around the house. Both of us have had to wake up to the fact that we are where we are in our 16 year marraige. Whilst I can't speak for him, I can say that for myself i find myself in love with a man in fact the same man that I marreid 16 years ago with whom intimacy is difficult, Sex has become aukward and strange, communication is limited and trust is pretty much ready to jump from the window.


I think it's me that's had the awakening. All this has forced me to look inside and ask myself questions about what's really going on. It would be very easy to blame him for everything, for being an addict, for avoiding intimacy, and for using sex/porn as a stress releiver or escape from life rather than something to be enjoyed and shared. And now what it is that makes me think he should change? He's not going to change. He said so himself. He does not want to change nor seek any guildence. He goes through periods of trying to stop... his addiction has now become a pornography addiction which takes place in the small hours when i'm 'asleep' (or trying to be). He will go through small periods where he say's "i'm not doing it anymore" and then goes through cold turkey where his sexual desire becomes non exsistant. He white knuckle rides the detox untill the next stresser comes along and then he's back in the bubble and i'm frustrated and hurt and we are argueing again.


He doesn't see that there is any major problem here. The only downer is that i'm not OK with it. And that's what's causing the problem.


So how do i be OK with it. How do I be OK with a man I don't feel I can go to when I need comfort? How do I get over the fact that i feel like I'm begging the love of my life to pay me some attention, have a conversation, even eye contact would be nice.


I know that I'm probably not the easiest of people to spend time with right now and I want to take that pressure off of him, he's not my keeper, and it's not his job to fullfill me...I think I'm getting that now...slowly, I have the words for it, i'm just not feeling it quite yet.


There is no question in my mind that I want to be in a different relationship, with another man, although he thinks this is the case. I want to stay in my marriage, I want to learn not to expect from him but accept him.


It starts with me, this much I know, i have to look out for myself and take care of myself it's just really difficult looking into my future with this feeling, that i'm not enough to fullfill him, that his life is in some way weighing him down and he is bored of me, his behavour is not attrative and i'm just the wife, the boring, needy, desperate wife.


It's a tough one, i seem to walk a fine line of standing up for myself and standing alone, or indulging in the fantasy that we can find our way back to each other again.


anyway rambling...thanks for listening.

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