I try and try and try to never tell a falsehood. Telling the truth is so much easier to remember. This is a lesson I learned as a VERY young child. I just knew my mother could read my mind so, I figured that I may as well come clean. Plus, by admitting the truth and/or the wrong doing, the punishment, although many times painful, was not as severe.

Unfortunately, with my family, I am forced to spin a little web every once in a while. You see, my sister just asks too many questions. She wants to know every little detail about every little thing. Does it matter that it is no business of hers? HA HA HA! Try telling her that and she smells blood! The questions just get worse. So, I am forced to invent this reason or that to keep her from knowing the truth. There are times however, while weaving a particular web, my skein becomes tangled.

Sisters, as they are prone to do for they too become mothers in time (most of them at least) start that mind reading thing. They see holes in the armor of a tale. They see little flaws or inconsistencies and start to question. With the shrewdness of Colombo (am I showing my age here?) they hem and haw, let you think you are off the hook but return with yet another question. I half expect to see her in a wrinkled beige London fog the next time she comes over. Sisters are relentless. Then again, so are mothers.

So, my sister drops by (She actually has to go quite a way out of her way as she lives near DC) unannounced (AGAIN) for this weekend past with her daughters and loving mate in tow. At least they did call a few hours before the visit enabling me to put all the lubes, sex toys, condoms, DVD’s and any sexually related items in their proper hiding places. I even considered hiding the deck of cards we play strip poker with! Now that is paranoia!!!

Immediately after receiving her call (with only a couple hours notice) I run about the house clearing any “contraband” then set to the task of calling any and all of our lifestyle friends to ensure they don’t drop by. That would be difficult to explain.

Sis: And how do you know them?

Me: We are friends from an on-line group I joined when we moved here.

Sis: What is the group you joined?

Me: It’s a local social club.

Sis: Really? That is nice. (walking away from me toward the fridge to get a beverage.)

Me: (Breathing a sigh of relief)

Sis: What’s the group called? (She asks over her shoulder as she raids my fridge!)

Me: (ACK! I can’t say Swing Lifestyle or anything remotely related to it or any of the clubs affiliated with it. She may look them up!) It has been forever since I used it after meeting a bunch of the people. I think it was the “Savannah social club”, or “The social club of Savannah”. Something like that.

Sis: You should remember stuff like that. You may want to meet new friends! (she starts to sound matronly though she is my junior.)

Me: (Thinking) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA….. Pretty plant in window. Need to paint kitchen ceiling! Should re-grout that corner tile there. Look at the sun shining today! (I just know she can read my mind in her Mother/Colombo persona. I just know it.)

The worst part is, if I do happen to miss one of our Lifestyle friends in my “DON’T COME OVER calls, one will stop by. That is when the conversation will be directed at them before I have the opportunity to prompt them. That will set the bloodhound lose for certain.

So, I do everything I can to keep from telling lies as they are so difficult to keep up with. When you tell one, you have to back it up with another and then another and another and soon, you have a complete web of falsehoods that becomes so tangled, Charlotte would be embarrassed for you!

This weekend was no different than any other visit in her constant probing. Questions over where this item (Gift from an LS couple last week) came from. What did we do last weekend? (Subterfuge and omission work best here) What are we doing for this holiday weekend or that? Can she visit on such and such a weekend (Always on the weekends I have plans with LS friends)? She seems to be sniffing something out but I keep to my guns and work feverishly to remember what I told her last time she asked to visit on certain weekends or holidays.

Invariably, I trip up and she nails me to the cross with my knitting needles. That web I had been spinning now has me ensnared. This stuff is sticky too! Once you get into it, it takes EVERYTHING to get out. This mind reading super sleuth, in the guise of my sister (acting like my mother…ewww, creepy) has me in her grasp. She is tightening her grip with each passing second as I back pedal to correct my error. I am on the verge of spilling the beans when she suddenly lets me go completely. I fall from the web, staggering as I catch my balance once more. Her back is to me once more as she moves to leave the room, she stops and looks back at me as if pulling the thoughts from my brain!

Me: (Thinking) Snow cones… Telephone booth… I need to get those steaks for dinner… Should we use paper plates for the kids? I wonder what sexyfuncpl4u is doing Thursday…..ACK! NOOO!!!!! Did she catch that?

If she did catch anything it was the look in my eyes or the quick jerk of my head to look at her. DAMN! I give myself away so easily.

So there I stand, reduced to that 5 year old boy trying to get out of something by being inventive, clever, cheeky even. My web of lies is spinning out of control. The threads of my skein fly through my knitting needles faster and faster as I think to back up the last fib.

Knit One, Perl Two!