A Little Confused

Sorry for the massive wall of text....

Background-Wife and I have been together for 10 years. Very healthy, monogamous sex life. She's had boyfriends before me, all positive monogamous relations for the most part. I never had any real sexual relationships before her...just one night stands. Dated a girl for a really long time, but never had the sex part, young virgins. Most of my sexual experiences were short lived and not very good.

Current situation-Wife and I really got into the idea of sharing her. Pillow talk, fantasy exploration, watching porn, playing with toys all helped inspire the conversation. We talked about another guy, gangbangs, hotwife, maybe even cuckold type stuff. I figured out though, that I had unconsciously projected myself onto the "bull". I thought I wanted to see her with other guy(s), but I actually wanted to be the bull. We also realized that we both have some very strong bi-sexual curiosities. I've always had them, but they've grown very strong. Her's are more new found.

We decided three things/rules.

1. Our first dive into the lifestyle would be a very soft swap with another couple. Any exploration is done together as a couple...no solo play.

2. Any bi play would be just the ladies...she's not ready to see me with guy, fine with me. Guys still in room watching/helping the girls...again... no solo play.

3. The guys stay with their girls...no trading. I'm nowhere near ready to see her with another dude.

So....we had another couple over the other night for drinks and dinner. We've hung with them several times in the past and maintained a positive, platonic relationship with them. Friends. We knew the female half had dabbled in bi-sexuality before, but we had zero intentions of hooking up with this couple. Like I said....friends.

After dinner, we retire to the basement. We're all really drunk, especially my wife. Pretty sure the boyfriend was imbibing in other substances. Twice I caught the girls fooling around. First time I went upstairs to get some ice after they went back upstairs to clean up a little and they were making out. The wife asked me what she should do...I told her to do whatever feels right, but to remember the rules. Also gave her a really deep kiss and showed her how hard I was.

Second time was about an hour later...me and the boyfriend were outside smoking and I noticed the girls were gone, again. Go inside, bedroom door is locked, both girls come to the door...wife is naked from waist down and they're both out of breath. Me and wife go into the bathroom...she's upset, telling me the girlfriend basically forced herself on her...but the wife didn't want to her to stop. I'm not sure what to think or feel at this point. I'm really pissed because the wife broke the first rule (see above), but I'm also really turned on. I tell the wife she has to ask them to leave...it's just way too much for me to process. They must have heard us and they were already halfway out the door by the time we got out of the bathroom. Boyfriend didn't say anything or look at me. Girlfriend sheepishly looked at my wife, had a very guilty sad look on her face

Wife and I argued about what happened for awhile and ended up fucking. She came, I didn't...whiskey dick...but it was still good.

Next morning we evaluate the events and the more we think/talk about it...the more we think this couple had planned on doing this the whole time. We already knew the girlfriend unsuccessfully tried fool around with another mutual female friend of ours awhile back. The girlfriend kept feeding my wife drinks all night and it seemed like the boyfriend was going out his way to keep me occupied/distracted with conversation and loud music. I asked him if knew what was going on between the girls...he didn't say yes or no, but he did say he it didn't really bother him. That's when I said it bothered me and went inside to find a locked bedroom door. They never once made their intentions clear to us. We both felt like we were manipulated/taken advantage of...me especially. Felt like I got played, on the outside looking in. The whole scene really sucked and I guarantee we will never see them again.

Wife seems to have kinda reconciled the event. She says it never would have happened if she wasn't as drunk as she was. I believe her. She's still interested in exploration...I guess. I'm still full of odd, conflicted feelings. I'm mad, then depressed, then really horny....all at the same time. Where did we go wrong? Am I wrong for getting mad? Is there any hope for us or should we just forget the whole idea of joining the lifestyle?

Thanks for reading this long boring post. Any ideas, suggestions, and thoughts are appreciated.

Welcome to "the fight" I'm sorry this is happening to you right out of the gate.

In almost every open relationship there comes a point where one partner crosses the line and leaves the other partner hurt. One of the elements of a successful open relationship is the ability to get past the fight knowing that an error in judgement is not necessarily the end of the world.

I think you both did things wrong in this situation that you need to learn from next time. First, wife doing anything with the other woman when this wasn't a planned play date should have been a no no. The right thing to do would be for both of you to arrange a second date where you had the opportunity to talk about what was going to happen ahead of time. Second, you need more talk before anything else happens, talk through more scenarios, get a better handle on the specifics of what is ok. Third, you were her wing man, you could see she was drunk so rather than telling her "hey go for it but I'll be out here leaving you alone" your response probably should have been "well if you want to be with her I want to be in the room so let's stick together". You're both responsible for enforcing the rules, not just the one playing at that moment.

The way forward is lots of talking, tell her what you liked, what hurt you, what you would have liked to happen, how you want to do things next time. And please find a real lifestyle couple to play with next time, one you have got to know for the explicit purpose of having sex, who you can discuss boundries with before you get drunk. That will solve a lot of your problems.

Thanks Costa, good advice. We're talking a lot and trying to see what next steps are gonna be. Just to clarify I never said "hey go for it but I'll be out here leaving you alone"

I told her to do what felt right, but she had to remember the rules. She didn't do that when she broke the first rule we had established...no solo play. She allowed the second incident to happen without me present and had I not intervened it would have gotten really intimate, really fast....hence my anger, resentment, guilt, and jealousy.

My point was that beyond reminding her that the rule existed, you didn't help her to enforce the rules and you perhaps could have been clearer. Things get muddled in the midst of play, if I had been in your wife's position and you'd said that to me I wouldn't have been entirely clear if you were ok with what had happened so far (playing solo but mildly). Dh and I have a rule that we always play together, but he would be fine with me kissing another woman solo, but if he saw that happening and felt it was going to go further he would probably stick pretty close to me, especially if I was drunk and he knew my judgement might not be 10/10. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can understand how your wife, under the circumstances, felt that it was going to be ok to keep moving forward because she played solo once, before you went upstairs and you seemed ok with it...it was a major failing in communication and judgement but I see where the confusion occurred.

I would only add - Don't get hung up on a rule violation. In the heat of the moment when one is excited it is easy to forget a rule, particularly if one is not very confident. Since apparently your wife did not feel comfortable telling the other girl and you what she wanted I would guess she did not know how to handle the situation. I would guess she just got overwhelmed. I would ask you to examine why you got mad. It could be your personality is one who NEVER breaks any rules and hold yourself to the standard of obeying all rules. Or if you are like most of us from time to time you will break some rule. In that case if I were you I would ask if my being so upset as to break up the party was because of the loss of control. Talk it out with your wife and follow CostRica's suggestions and I think the two of you can work through this. But be aware you may have scared your wife and she may be nervous about doing anything for fear of incurring your wrath. Good luck.

I read it. S happens. You communicated it. You have your playbook, use it. As time goes on and you build trust, it will be less difficult. I trust my wife and I want her to have a good time. Party on. Play with people who you trust. We often have a vanilla meeting before we play to vet people.

Thanks for the good advice everyone. Costa and Jm pretty much nailed it. We talk a lot last night and we realized what mistakes we both made....me more than her. We resolved some things and are going to slow roll it. Still very much interested....we definitely learned how NOT to do this kinda stuff.

Funny thing is....when we talked about her new found desires to be with another girl and me at th same time...we both got incredibly horny and screwed like teenagers. So that's good right!?

Screwing is always good

Glad you were able to talk it all out, that more than anything else will determine how successful you are in the lifestyle. Good luck with your next adventure.

I believe she absolutely made some mistakes but at the same time it is your job as a man to protect her. As for the other gentleman that had something to say about rules, why have rules if you’re gonna break them regardless of the heat of the moment. And just like one of the person said are you a stickler for the rules and in my opinion you are not but I know for myself haven’t been in the military for 26 years I am absolutely a stickler for the rules and there are consequences for breaking the rules. Regardless of how drunk your wife was, how in the hell did she get all the way from the living room  to the bedroom without understanding that this is not where I should be at this time. That’s the part that really disturbs me with your story. How did I get from the couch with this woman to the bedroom with a lock door and get my pants off without understanding that it was wrong. I think there is a little lying  going on  with her story on that but I could be wrong but it just seems way out of touch with reality. But I believe ultimately you going to the kitchen and going to get ice and fiddling around everywhere when you know your wife is hammered drunk, you could’ve stopped us easily if you would’ve just stayed at one place and yes I’m sure the guy was in on and he made have 2 percent difficult for you to lose track of where you were, But ultimately you are your wife’s protector, you are her shield of protection and it is your ultimate job to keep her from harm even when she doesn’t see harm coming her way.