Poly and out - should one come out as poly to the children?

This exchange is interesting to me, for reasons I state below. I didn't want to derail that thread.

Quote Originally Posted by WesternSwing

"Although initially we were secretive, as we moved more into polyamorous relationships it was more difficult to keep things secret without excluding our other partners and making them feel terrible or unimportant. These days I don't broadcast my relationships, but I don't keep them secret, either. All my family know that I live with my partner and her husband and that I have another partner, also. Both my partners come to my office and visit and I go to lunch with both, sometimes at the same time. Coworkers either don't suspect anything, don't want to ask or don't care. All my partners and their families are welcome at my family's functions, also. It feels good to be "out" and just lived life as I want to.

From Drinnt:

THAT must be an amazing feeling! My wife and I are 6 months into what has become and exclusive polyamorous relationship. They have a family and kids and discretion is important to them. We have no kids and frankly would LOVE my family and friends to know so we could have our lovers around and involved in our extended "non secret" lives. Our family and friends KNOW about our lover couple but they think they are vanilla friends...maybe they suspect something but it's never discussed. I just think it would be an amazing feeling to be OUT with it. "

Over the last year I have become become close with a very fun and enjoyable woman. Started as a swinging but progressed past a sexual attraction very quickly. She and her longtime boyfriend and my wife have also become close friends, although not romantic. Together we are great friends and do a lot of vanilla stuff together. It's not a poly relationship between all four of us, my wife and he have no feelings beyond friendship for each other. Nothing is hidden between us adults, but we haven't shared anything with our kids. They have no kids, we have two. Frankly, it is difficult at times to keep up the facade that nothing is going between her and I. Teenagers are more perceptive than we think. My son, who is 18, knows we swing, but he doesn't know or at least hasn't let on that he knows about our poly relationship. Our 12 year old daughter knows nothing about swinging or anything beyond the fact that we have some close friends. However it is going to be difficult to keep from her long term. Sometimes my wife says we should come out and tell the kids whats going so we don't have to tip-toe around anything. Her take on this is colored her gay brother who is "out" to the siblings but not to his parents. It causes a lot of grief and stress explaining why he is 48 and never married. (his mother probably knows but they all prefer to ignore it.) She thinks he should just tell her. What experiences have you with coming out? What pitfalls to avoid? Should we just stay closeted and enjoy it for what it is?

My approach to my kids is to never volunteer anything that isn't absolutely necessary, but to answer all questions honestly. I take questions as a signal that they're ready for the answers and the lack of them as the reverse. It's a matter of appropriate boundaries, not of hiding, at least for me. I actually think being restrained in my disclosures makes it easier for them to be open with me, because it leaves a lot of space.

D&D -

I am new to the world of swinging, but from what I have learned so far, it is a lot easier to keep swinging a seceret than a poly relationship, since a lot of what a poly relationsip is about takes place outside the bedroom. It's hard to have a loving relationship that you can't talk about with friends and family.

Coming out for me is a process, beginning with those closest to me who might understand, and inevitably flowing to everyone I have a strong connection with. I had a special situation because my poly partner is my co-worker. Our 'coming out' was unintentional and nearly ruined our careers. As it happens, folks in our office were among the first to know of our relationship. The good news is that we survived that, and are now operating as 'out' in our workplace.

Our friends have been the easiest to come out to. Not all of them think my going poly is a good idea, but they are all supportive of me and my relationships. I have found that those friends that were cool to the idea have come around over time, and they now want to get to know my new partner. One of the challenges in talking about being poly is that the uninformed often think that it is just another way to have an affair-- that it is a sign that the original relationship is failing. Once they see the original relationship becoming *stronger* because of polyamory, then their curiosity and love for me takes over.

Family is the trickiest. I have 'come out' to my brother and no one else (I don't have kids). I do know that eventually everyone in my family will know and frankly dread it.

I don't have kids, however I have a lot of poly friends who do. Some are very open with their kids and have told them all about who they are dating, others are more secretive and only respond to questions (no volunteering of information), some are kind of in between and will talk fairly openly and let whatever happens happen.

There's no right or wrong way to handle it; you just have to figure out what's right for your family.

I'm out-ish to my parents (they know, but I have never actually spoken to them about specific people), very out to my sister, couldn't even imagine not being out with my friends, and verging on out with a few of my coworkers. I'm pretty satisfied with that. I don't think I could be happy having to hide relationships that I feel are important from the people I am closest to (in my case, hubby and friends). But that's me.

Thank you for the replies!

I want to ask some follow up but work is taking my day away...

My approach to my kids is to never volunteer anything that isn't absolutely necessary, but to answer all questions honestly. I take questions as a signal that they're ready for the answers and the lack of them as the reverse. It's a matter of appropriate boundaries, not of hiding, at least for me. I actually think being restrained in my disclosures makes it easier for them to be open with me, because it leaves a lot of space.

I think you have it right here... the problem is that the poly relationships are simply much harder to be discreet about than swinging is. Its hard to behave as though its friends only when in vanilla situations with family around. Its the little things that give it away, the way you look at each other or the way, and accidental hand grab, etc. Having the question posed to us in a private situation is one thing... what we don't want is a the question coming at us in a family event.

"I'm out-ish to my parents (they know, but I have never actually spoken to them about specific people), very out to my sister, couldn't even imagine not being out with my friends, and verging on out with a few of my coworkers. I'm pretty satisfied with that. I don't think I could be happy having to hide relationships that I feel are important from the people I am closest to (in my case, hubby and friends). But that's me."

My parents, my wife's parents, and my partner' parents are out of the question.... If they knew there would be huge issues! Eventually will everyone know, probably. But my concern is more how to tell my kids before they find out in a big family blow up. I am out with one of my long time friends, just had to have someone to talk to that wasn't in the middle of everything. I think this is the heart of the problem, that it's just to hard to maintain the secret and maintain the relationship.

One thing that has been making me wonder is this: Are you keeping this a secret because you feel that they aren't ready to know about alternative lifestyles or because you're scared about their reaction/thoughts?

Another thought is the viewpoint of the child(ren). Each child is different and has different maturity levels. But sometimes when they suspect something is going on and you aren't being honest with them, it will blow up in your face. They'll feel that you don't trust them or respect them to be truthful. You can pull out any excuses that you want but none of that really matters when they feel that their own parent(s) feel like they aren't trustworthy to be in the know about major changes within the family. It's almost like when a parent hides that they are diagnosed with a terminal illness from their family. They have the excuse that they don't want to stress out their family, blah, blah, blah but to the other family members, they can't believe that they were kept in the dark about something that can and will affect them. Your happiness (or sadness) affects everyone in the family. It's good to have a family support system. And I would consider this a good learning experience for them. Not only do they learn that one doesn't have to be limited to 1 romantic relationship at a time (as long as everyone is aware and approves of it) but if they do react badly, you can teach them to at least be happy for you, whether or not it disagrees with them.

Just my piddly one cent. In the end, you know best for you and your family.

I have noticed that this seems to be a major difference between fully Poly couples and strictly swinger couples. I know many more Poly couples that are fully out to their friends and family. Yet, swinging remains a dirty little secret. Perhaps it's the idea that Poly is about emotional attachment and not just sex that allows people to be more open with it. Whereas swinging is about sex and that's something that generally people don't talk about.

I find it easier to talk about swinging than to talk about my poly relationship. Most people I talk to are more understanding of swinging than they are of my other relationship. The problem is that it's just more difficult to keep the poly relationship in the closet. At some point it just a becomes necessary to get it out in the open, at least with those close to you.

I think Maui is right that I shouldn't lie but I also shouldn't just volunteer the information either. The blog posted by

Sundog's partner is very interesting. I'm curious to know what her children think as they get older. I wonder how the work experience is continuing?

The blog posted by

Sundog's partner is very interesting. I'm curious to know what her children think as they get older. I wonder how the work experience is continuing?

Here's the update: Things around the office have generally gotten better. There are a few (three, to be exact) in the office of 18 that are still disgruntled about the whole thing. They rarely speak with either of us, and find ways to complain about us (she's too loud, I came in late, etc). My boss has become fairly understanding-- he even will ask one of us about how the other is doing. I was called out to a family emergency last week, and my boss regularly checked in with my partner about what was going on with me.

Our jobs are less on the line, but we find that the stigma has still taken down our percieved professionalism. I think of it as a detante.

As for the kids, they like me more and more. I'm like a favored uncle (and I love it). There are some awkward moments, like when her youngest wanted me to put her in bed instead of her father, but it's all working out ok so far. My partner is easing them into seeing some physical affection between us. She now will hold my hand in their presence or lean into me on the couch.

I find that the poly thing is easy for kids to grasp-- I personally think it is more natural to understand than monogomy. Where it gets confusing is when they are told monogomy is the 'best' or 'ultimate' form of relationship by others in society. When my partner's kids hit puberty, then it will get more complicated. That should be about two years, assuming we stay together.

Here's the update: Things around the office have generally gotten better. There are a few (three, to be exact) in the office of 18 that are still disgruntled about the whole thing. They rarely speak with either of us, and find ways to complain about us (she's too loud, I came in late, etc). My boss has become fairly understanding-- he even will ask one of us about how the other is doing. I was called out to a family emergency last week, and my boss regularly checked in with my partner about what was going on with me.

 

Our jobs are less on the line, but we find that the stigma has still taken down our percieved professionalism. I think of it as a detante.

 

As for the kids, they like me more and more. I'm like a favored uncle (and I love it). There are some awkward moments, like when her youngest wanted me to put her in bed instead of her father, but it's all working out ok so far. My partner is easing them into seeing some physical affection between us. She now will hold my hand in their presence or lean into me on the couch.

 

I find that the poly thing is easy for kids to grasp-- I personally think it is more natural to understand than monogomy. Where it gets confusing is when they are told monogomy is the 'best' or 'ultimate' form of relationship by others in society. When my partner's kids hit puberty, then it will get more complicated. That should be about two years, assuming we stay together.

Thank you for the update! I would love to be at the point where when my partner comes over to the house that we can sit on the couch and watch a movie or even touch hands. Eventually Im sure we will get there. right now we have to be carefull of even how we look at at each other lol. I shouldnt complain though as we dont have the work situation that you have and we are very lucky in that my wife and her spouse have no issues with what we have.