My husband played after I fell asleep

[adventureUS]

Not sure how to start this post as I have so many things going thru my mind, so I'll try to keep this as simple as possible...

I'll start by saying that a few months ago we met another couple and have gotten together a few times over the past few months...sometimes to play and sometimes just to hang out.

"She" is very chatty on the phone and I'am not! My hubby has never been much of a phone person..until "her". I've mentioned to him a few times over the past few months that I find it strange he can sit and talk with her on the phone for so long....(we are talking upto 4 hours at a time) Some "red flags" have been going up..but he's assured me that she's just so chatty he cant get off the phone.

Anyway...her hubby was away last weekend on a camping trip (which he does quite often) so the previous weekend it was brought up between the four of us if she could play without her hubby. Her hubby had no problem whatsoever with this.

So, this past saturday night, she came over. The evening went extremely well..the three of us had a blast!

Until....here it is..4:30 in the morning..we are all beat (so I think) and we are all three laying in the bed (her in the middle) she was tickling my back with her finger nails and my husband is softly caressing her back, side and ass! I made a comment about the fact that he was stroking her....well it went un-noticed! I was overly tired as I had been sick with the flu the week prior and was still recovering and exausted. I made a comment that the two "horn dogs" would probably fuck after I fell asleep..there was no mention that we werent infact going to sleep. I was kidding....and I passed out. Seriously..it was 4:30 int the morning and we were all being silly....I never dreamed...

Well, when I awoke the following morning.....I find out that the rubbing/caressing he was doing to "her" led to other things. They were spooning as we typically do and caressing her as he normally does me. They had sex in the bed next to me as I slept! I asked him how this happened and he pretty much recited a reinactment of our typical Love making session...start to finish. I was kidding for cryin out loud...it was 4:30 in the morning!!!!

He swears he has no feelings for her...and im just sick to my stomach. The argument is that my flirty remarks gave them the go-ahead. Im sorry...why was he caressing/snuggling her...talking to her on the phone for so many hours...and reinacting a love making session...is there no intimacy that is sacred for just me???

I know your all going to say that Im not cut out for this and that we are lacking communication....Im not looking for that from you..I just want your take on the situation..thank you


be easy on me please

[biblonde]

All I can say is WOW...I think he and her crossed the line!!! I dont see this as an inocent act. They talk for hours on the phone??? that is a major no no! Dont get me wrong I dont care that hubby talks on the phone with women...but hours...NO WAY! He can chatt online for that long since if I am curious about what was said I can read it. Having sex while you sleep next to them...BAD! That is total lack of respect...truthfully you should have told her to leave or change places with you but you felt you could trust them. I know that things can happen that you dont exspect but to leave you totally out of it? I say you and him sit down and have a total heart to heart talk. Let him know you feel betrayed. Maybe he did mistake your remarks as an okay to do what he wants. Let him know what he is allowed and not allowed to do when you are with playmates so it doesnt happen again. I think you both need to take some time to work through the hurt feelings and then move on. but let him know how this makes you feel, and what you want for the future with these two. Remember ...you have the right to say no at any time or even stop seeing someone if you arent comfy. Your marrage comes first and formost! I really wish you the very best with this.

If I were in that situation, I can honestly say that I would be raging pissed

I would never see that couple(or one half of it) again. I would tell her why she is no longer welcome in our home & kick her ass to the curb. That was terribly disrespectful on both her part, as well as your husband. I would sit his horny little ass down & explain exactly how he stepped out of line just in case he played stupid.

If he's sorry and agrees to let this couple RIP, I would be willing to try again with A DIFFERENT couple-as long as the rules are clear.

The fact that this bothered you makes it valid. Talk to him & find out what in God's name he was thinking that made it ok in his mind. If he still doesn't get it-perhaps y'all should take a break.

[adventureUS]

thank you both so much...my feelings have been validated.

I have had the heart to hear with my husband over that past few days and he has swore his love for me. He swears he loves me more than anything....

....but even tho we have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen...this has seriously made me question..I have never felt so insecure in my entire life

I totally agree that we will NEVER see that couple again and I doubt we will swing anywhere in the near future. Shit...we haven't even spoken much since the "episode" except fighting ..and he would prefer to spend the night at work tonight. I havent' been sleeping and sleeping in our bed just makes me sick ...this one episode is ruining my life.

I feel like no matter how much I tell him how terribly im hurting because of this..im the one thats the asshole for giving mixed signals. I dont' know...after 8 years of marriage and 5 years of swinging I thought we had all our "ducks in a row".....and thats not the case

our marriage is suffering..our communication is suffering...I feel dead inside

thank you all for the feedback

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

If I were in that situation, I can honestly say that I would be raging pissed

I would never see that couple(or one half of it) again. I would tell her why she is no longer welcome in our home & kick her ass to the curb. That was terribly disrespectful on both her part, as well as your husband. I would sit his horny little ass down & explain exactly how he stepped out of line just in case he played stupid.

If he's sorry and agrees to let this couple RIP, I would be willing to try again with A DIFFERENT couple-as long as the rules are clear.

The fact that this bothered you makes it valid. Talk to him & find out what in God's name he was thinking that made it ok in his mind. If he still doesn't get it-perhaps y'all should take a break.

Dito I agree 100%!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by adventureUS

I've mentioned to him a few times over the past few months that I find it strange he can sit and talk with her on the phone for so long....(we are talking upto 4 hours at a time) Some "red flags" have been going up..but he's assured me that she's just so chatty he cant get off the phone.

After reading your post, I can see where you would be upset with your husband. But I can also see where you could be upset with yourself.

You saw the "red flags" and I think you may be most upset because you didn't do more early on to stop the long conversations your husband was having with this woman. Yes, he should have known better than to get involved in long conversations. Yes, he could have brought the conversations to a close earlier, he's not incapable of this, he chose to continue with her.

I made a comment that the two "horn dogs" would probably fuck after I fell asleep..there was no mention that we werent infact going to sleep. I was kidding....and I passed out.

...The argument is that my flirty remarks gave them the go-ahead.

You gave them the OK to play while you were asleep. Even if they knew you were kidding, your statement was their excuse to play.

Don't be too hard on yourself, or your husband, you've both learned something through this.

I know your all going to say that Im not cut out for this and that we are lacking communication....Im not looking for that from you..I just want your take on the situation..thank you

LM

[SexhoundDog]

Mrs. Adventure,

I'd try to put this behind me as quickly as possible. Without a doubt, you're all to blame, them for not having any more foresight than to think that anything goes, including the intimate things you and hubby reserve for each other, and you, for not saying something.

However, see what happens with you and hubby. He says "you're the one", so let him prove it. But at the same time, verify things. See how the lovemaking between the two of you goes, but be sure to check the ol' computer every so often and keep tabs on the phone. You mentioned he wanted to work tonite rather than come home. I can tell you're suspicious, so why not stop by and see that all looks well. If it does, how about a little hot sex right there on his desk?

I hope you can revitalize all between you. If you've been swinging for 5 years, I would hope so. A lot of trust had to have been there to be OK with swinging for that long. And, don't be so hard on yourself, it may be inflaming the situation as well.

[adventureUS]

I cant make love to him right now...I can't be intimate with him at all. All I can think about is how he had sex with her in our bed...how the act was so close to how we make love..and how he did it on our bed while I slept.

I did give mixed signals......and im paying dearly. Although..some things should be common sence..but not for all obviously and I pay for that too

....i give

[sensuality]

Whether you were kidding or not,you did give him the go ahead to be with her...he was kind of rude for not clarifying things with you..and she was inconsiderate as well.But, you are all equally to blame.Clearly, this couple needs to be off limits now.You need to get some rules going about what is acceptable and what is not.Have you ever told him you do not want him talking for hours to any woman? Have you made it clear he's not to fuck anyone without you knowing?Even if you're sleeping right next to them?Another things is...don't let anyone stay the night like that unless you are looking for a polyamory type situation, it muddles the line between swinging and actual polyamory, at least to me, anyway.Swinging is about the sex...it's not about hours on the phone and re-enacting your lovemaking with another person, that is so beyond disrespect....I wouldn't blame you if you knocked him over the head with a skillet... But, then you'd have to kick yourself in the ass for not stopping this before it got to this point.
Rule#1:
No phone calls other than to make plans to meet...if you want to chat,do it online so you both can read what the convos are about.
Rule#2:
No re-enactments of any kind...your lovemaking is for the 2 of you, not the whole world.
Rule#3:
No SleepOvers...
Whether it is at your home or a hotel, boot the bitch/couple out when you're done...{Sorry, guys...I have to be blunt here}!!
Rule#4:
Communicate, be blatantly honest about your wants and needs, your likes and dislikes...because there is a serious lack of communication going on here.I know you knew that already!!

And lastly...Do not allow yourself to ever be humiliated by anyone...if you sense a red flag...or your instincts tell you something is off...ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS RIGHT THEN!!!!! Sometimes, we just can't believe what we're hearing or seeing and so we go into denial when it's right there before us...I think it's a coping mechanism we humans have.But, if it smells like shit...it probably is shit!

Good luck, sweety!

Disclaimer:
This is clearly jusy SENSUALITY'S opinion and in no way reflects anyone else's views or opinions in this topic, except when it supports what I'm trying to convey!

[Vespertine]

Sensuality brings up some excellent points.

[growgirl]

Dito to sensuality, however...

I think you are overthinking a tad at the moment. Everything is very fresh right now. That being said though, accept things for what they are right now and learn from them. You implicity okayed them to have sex. Bad Judgement? You betcha... Would you have felt this way had they had sex w/out you but on the couch, not duplicating a "private" session?

While I don't mean to negate your feelings, it may help you to accept that this is one of those fucked up moments thats going to occur anywhere, be it bed, work, family etc... You move on and it hopefully will make your relationship stronger.

I don't agree fully w/ sexhoundog's statement though... if you're looking for something, you're going to find it wether it's actually there or only in your head. Agreed, no more phone conversations, keep everything "public" but your relationship has changed and even when this becomes a distant memory, it'll always be just a little bit different than it was before. There's nothing you can do about it now though and it's up to you and DH to move on or to dwell on it and do nothing.

ggs .02

[adventureUS]

maybe I gave mixed signals to fuck....but I NEVER gave the go ahead for them to make love.....there is a huge difference

im hurt and sick of always feeling like the asshole.....not this time

[EvilMJ]

I agree that this was a crappy situation and he had no right to do what he did, you certainly have every right to be pissed and hurt.

However if you want to continue to have a realitionship with your husband, you have to get over the anger and start to work towards careing about each other again. You're feelings are justified, but if you continue to let them eat at you until you are sick inside and angry at him, you are going to drive him away completely. He said he would rather stay at work tonight....this implies he 'feels' he is being driven away.

I am not saying that you have to accept blame, but you may have to put some of the anger and hurt aside long enough to be able to talk to him again in a less confrontational manner.

I hope you are able to work things out, it always makes me sad to read stories like yours, I wish I could help out!

[sensuality]

Oh, sweety...you are in no way the asshole here. I hope I didn't offend you at all. My heart would be in a million pieces if I were in your shoes...and it's totally understandable that you would be hurting and angry right now.You're feeling betrayed and that is something that will take a long while to mend.Maybe you two should take a long break from swinging or perhaps not swing anymore at all?It seems like he hasn't been completely honest about his wants and desires and by not communicating that to you...he has hurt you tremendously.In fact, you probably feel more like he had an affair...and that isn't cool.But, try to see your part in this, even if it is a minute one.Do you love him?Of course, you do..what am I saying?And this isn't about your love for him anyway.The real question here is one of forgiveness...Can you forgive him?Does he deserve it? The only one who knows for sure, is you.Take care...

I wouldn't beat YOURSELF up over this (I know, easier said then done).

To me saying what they are probably going to do isn't the same as saying go ahead and do it.

But I think what you said was vauge enough to be accepted as permission for someone who was looking for it.


Intentional? I don't know.

I don't think he meant to hurt you, but that doesn't mean he didn't and I believe your feelings are justified.

I agree with the others that this couple should be removed from your play list.

Swinging can go from fun to complicated Quick!

As the first male to respond to this thread, please be gentle..... Surrender