Can you get past it?

My current bf of 2 years has been in the ls prior to me. He had mentioned it, but that was it, until about a month ago. Fast forward...I agreed to give it a go. I have been brought up perfectly vanilla. Never cheated on a husband, altho they never had the same respect. This guy is amazing and we talk about everything. I do trust him. Our first party, was me being terrified of all that was going on. It's a private place where a lot of the people know each other, and I had no clue what to do. So I told him just go do something so we can go. He coaxed me into playing with him and a couple of guys hovered and touched. I was ok with people watching oddly enuf, but I was glad to be able to go.

Second party... it's got to get better yeah? I'm a little more at ease. We end up in a room where my bf asks if he can play with a gal's boobs...he so loves boobs! She is fine he does. That's the first time I've ever seen a significant other touch another person. I was fine with that... just boobs. He asks if we can play and we are on a bed, and there's another couple in a chair in the corner. He asks if they'd like to join. Oh hell! So they did. He goes down on me... well duh I'm fine with that People are touching me... again cool. My bf goes down on her... still good. She starts to give him a blow job and he literally calls out her name. I was less than happy. He then had her get on top, which I can't do for him, so wasn't thrilled but ok with it. The other guy can't get it up and ends up crawling over me to help get his gal over the top. So at the end... she's cumming like nuts from my guy. I'm just laying there. The couple gets up to dress and bf comes back to me and can't get it up either.

I kept cool throughout the evening until he asked my problem. Two guys... neither gets hard for me. No big O. Feeling very inadequate with what I thought I was ok at. Total loss of confidence at this point. How do I go back and do it again feeling like I can't satisfy or get satisfied from any of this.

I expect that you've told him of your feelings and concerns. What was his responses?

Welcome! And thanks for the great intro. With my limited knowledge, I'll jump right in.

There is a possibility that your body language was displaying your lack of attention to the task at hand. Most men in the swinger world are pleasers and are good at reading reaction. A woman that is not in the moment can cause performance anxiety from a new partner and loss of passion from a mate. "I was OK with him doing that, I was not OK with that", these are phrases that show a woman really overthinking the situation.

You may read posts here talking about red flags. These can be gut feelings that something isn't right. To be successful in this ls, there can't be any big red flags like this.

When you can say "I was thrilled to see the pleasure he got from having her on top" you'll be ready.

Welcome to the board.

Sorry to hear about your experience and not having a really great time. Honestly I feel that if your BF was so great he would make sure that your first time was fantastic. I mean he's introducing you to the lifestyle. The onus if on him to make sure you love it?!?! That's my feeling at least. That message was really more for the next person introducing somebody to the lifestyle.

So the next step is what you do 'next time'. Did you have a good enough time to go back? If so I would highly recommend a check in system between the two of you.

I would also be curious as to his response to what you said to him? Did you tell him what you wrote there? Did he ever ask your opinion on the experience?

Good luck have fun!

thanks ya'll. Ive been reading the boards here for the past few weeks and love what ya'll have to say, which is the reason I joined. We talk and have talked about this tons. The problem with this time I believe is me. I'm a pleaser, and he was having fun and I was enjoying the look on his face and how happy he was that I gave him the nod to go ahead with things. We have now implemented a safe word so to speak, that if something is getting past my comfort level, if I say it he stops. He has no problem with that, but he isnt a mind reader. I have to have some stake in not going to fast for me. Another thing is realize people will be better.. or at least different... thats kinda why you do it right? That doesnt mean I dont please him. We have a great sex life. I have a way to go from my vanilla upbringing into this totally new experience, so we'll try again

Hi prplpassion! Welcome to the board.

I have to give you kudos for being so adventurous. Having a resilient, outgoing spirit like yours does help a lot in the lifestyle, because it does require a lot of work on one's self, one's world-view, etc. People often get discouraged when things don't go perfectly right out of the box. Truth is, there's quite a learning curve. Part of it is learning how to communicate even better, and figuring out what is and is not okay. Often, you can't learn that without stepping on one another's toes a time or two. You just forgive, learn, adjust and move forward.

Once you hit your stride and discover that the ladies in the LS kind of have the upper hand (a little), you'll find you like it better than you do now. Even though it's a couple's activity, to me, the cool thing about it is that you go into it as two equal yet distinctly individual people. You are seeing your BF in the fullness of his sexual power; all you need to do now is realize that you have this same latent sex goddess lying dormant within yourself. Please realize that his expression of his sexuality does not diminish you, nor your attractiveness, in the least. You are and always will be as attractive as you have always been.

I don't think your BF has been doing too bad a job so far with introducing you to the LS. But like you said, he can't read your mind. You do need to communicate clearly with him, which it sounds like you're doing. He probably had no idea how you were feeling at that moment. To play devil's advocate, it can be difficult for someone who has already adjusted to the LS to slow themselves down to allow someone else to absorb the experience at a slower pace. It will come. Aaaand I'm sure so will you. Just keep on communicating, and letting him know what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and what you want/need or don't want/need.