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  1. #1

    Default How things work at clubs

    Okay we're still pretty new to swinging/swapping and having taken the plunge using a club (twice now), well something has been bothering me in particular.
    Our first time although we were a complete mess and I just cannot express how nervous we both were and thats overlooking some issues that affected us both, we did take the plunge when the opportunity arose. Even that didn't go as we thought, but after the initial shock of what we'd both done admitted that we both overall enjoyed the experience. Bearing in mind that the club was probably our last choice as we'd been hoping to find another couple online. Well a few unexpected things happened and after a very long conversation that at least embarrassed me some (discussing the details in the cold light of day!), we were invited to the same couples house, which we both thought would be easier, second meet and all. Neither of us were particularly happy or comfy at their house, nothing to do with them really, just we realised that we preferred a neutral place like the hotel. Again a few more boundaries were pushed, but we both agreed that we enjoyed the overall experience again, although looking back I do wonder about a couple of things? Either way we were still happy, so when they invited us to go to the club with them we agreed.
    We finally arranged to meet them there and after the initial awkwardness of getting inside and feeling that everyone was looking at us, we meet up and sat and chatted. There was plenty of flirting and some touching as we all moved around enjoying watching others play etc. After some time we sort of met up with another couple they seemed to know well and they stayed with us. Now a few hours in and it was suggested that we moved to a private room. We weren't overly sure about the new couple as they weren't exactly either of our types, but they were nice and he kept complimenting me and wasn't pushy in the slightest. After a brief discussion the six of us went to the private room. The couple we knew wanted to move things along quickly, but the other couple I presume saw our nerves and took it slower, which I thought was nice. Skip forwards a little and things had heated up somewhat and we were all naked together with each others partners, we were both fairly happy.
    Anyway at some point I for the life of me cannot exactly say when, which is bugging the hell out of me, there was another naked couple with us. I was quite surprised and pretty shocked as this wasn't what I wanted, I hadn't even spoken to this couple before? Well the other two couples didn't bat an eyelid and they definitely new them. Looking back now I think that as I wasn't happy I should have said something, but as I was obviously turned on everything was a little blurred. Anyway pretty soon the new wife was with D (my husband) so I reluctantly went with the flow. Don't get me wrong no one was being disrespectful and I will admit that once I relaxed a bit the new husband was extremely good with his hands etc. Well now we were a sixsome, not what we had ever discussed, but we were all enjoying ourselves. I think I would have been ok with this even though it wasn't what we agreed upon.
    But some time later at some point there was a single guy in the room. I can only think that we were all making a fair amount of noise otherwise I have absolutely no idea how people were joining us without me knowing?? This new guy seemed to show an interest in me straight away, he definitely wasn't my type of guy. I should point out that at this stage I was not really myself as I was very close, again. This guy was next to me almost as soon as I noticed him, touching me while I was having sex with someone. I managed to get D's attention and I'm aware this is on me, but D looked rather happy with my situation. I'm not blaming anyone at this point, it was my decision.
    Over our relationship we've discussed our fantasies with each other and I know D's and although it wasn't really my thing, I new it was near the top of D's list.
    Anyway it started off ok until we swapped partners, it was obvious he wanted me, which was flattering. D was clearly pleased and although he was busy himself, he edged closer to me, which I liked as it confirmed to me that he was happy. Anyway bearing in mind that I had only planned on playing with the original couple, I had already had sex with three guys, so I was pretty turned on. Well without going into it this guy was way too big all round and was quite rough, not to mention the fact that he had more stamina than everyone else put together! Well that was the downward turn to the night as far as I was concerned. I was fully aware that I was fulfilling one of D's most prominent fantasies, but it did ruin it for me.
    After quite some time the evening ended, a lot more happened than I've written, but I've gone on enough. We discussed everything eventually and D wasn't particularly happy with the situation and its definitely left a bad taste in our mouths. I'm not saying anyone's done anything wrong exactly, but on hindsight we kind of think it was all arranged?
    I cannot seem to understand how these extra people got into our private room without either of us noticing either time?
    And am I being nieve to think that a private room is private?
    I know D was really pleased at the time regarding the single guy, but is now really upset that it happened and I'm left unsure how to proceed?
    This has been bothering me since it happened and theres certain things that I can't seem to get out of my head, so any advice etc would be much appreciated.


  2. #2

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    While private rooms are supposed to be private, that doesn't mean that they ARE private. It sounds like several people (1 couple and 1 single guy) just opened the door and saw what was happening and decided to join in. USUALLY most people ask permission, but some just don't (especially single guys). This is one of many reasons we have a code for 'take a break cuz something is up'. You need to feel that it is okay to say 'stop' (or at least slow down) and feel safe with what is going on. I would be more upset that Ms. Gold DIDN'T say something than if she did (and that sounds like your husband is experiencing the same thing...seemed to be enjoying it when it happened but when he found out that you didn't 'invite' what was going on is now not happy). I'm sure that you both learned from this and will be more observant in the future as well as be checking in more with each other while things are happening.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  3. #3

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    While private rooms are supposed to be private, that doesn't mean that they ARE private. It sounds like several people (1 couple and 1 single guy) just opened the door and saw what was happening and decided to join in. USUALLY most people ask permission, but some just don't (especially single guys). This is one of many reasons we have a code for 'take a break cuz something is up'. You need to feel that it is okay to say 'stop' (or at least slow down) and feel safe with what is going on. I would be more upset that Ms. Gold DIDN'T say something than if she did (and that sounds like your husband is experiencing the same thing...seemed to be enjoying it when it happened but when he found out that you didn't 'invite' what was going on is now not happy). I'm sure that you both learned from this and will be more observant in the future as well as be checking in more with each other while things are happening.
    I suppose yet again we're showing just how nieve we still are! We just both presumed that private was private and someone already in the room had invited them in??
    I was quite upset initially and after a brief chat with my husband realised just how wrong it had been.....I was angry. After a more in depth discussion about that night and what happened I guess I was still upset, angry and more than I little embarrassed. Its taken us time to get calm down and focus.
    Up until last night we were convinced that we had been set up, but having finally responded to the first couple we met...it would appear that like you said the door just wasn't locked and the others didn't realise that we would have preferred no one else joined us?
    Aparerently they now feel terrible!
    I was initially the one who wasn't sure about this whole swinging/swapping malarkey, but after this I'm prepared to move on, but my husband hasn't or won't??
    I understand what you mean, but I know that he actually enjoyed the night and only realised that I hadn't after I explained?

  4. #4
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
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    SW_PA_COUPLE

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    How does this club define a private room? At all three clubs that are within our easy driving distance, a very strict rule exists that if a door is closed, you do not enter. Was the door closed on your room? If you left it open even a crack, you invited the invasion.
    Donít let your meat loaf.

  5. #5

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Quote Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple View Post
    How does this club define a private room? At all three clubs that are within our easy driving distance, a very strict rule exists that if a door is closed, you do not enter. Was the door closed on your room? If you left it open even a crack, you invited the invasion.
    If I'm honest I don't actually know? When we looked online they advised private rooms available for private play, so we just presumed.
    The door was most definitely closed and the room wasn't massive, so I still don't know how we missed people coming in??
    I wasn't keen on going to a club in the first place, but after so long trying to find another couple where we all clicked felt it was our last option.
    Overall I'm more annoyed with myself for getting caught up in the situation. I'd love to point a finger, but I didn't say anything at the time.
    It has been bothering me since.

  6. #6

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Why even bother pointing a finger? What will this accomplish? I understand that you are upset and angry, but at this point you have two options: walk away from the thought of swinging in any form or learn and move forward. Pick one. Being angry really won't accomplish much other than raising your blood pressure and wasting time on bad feelings and what if's. Would it make you feel better if it was the other couples fault, your husbands fault, your fault? Learn and move forward. If you feel like you are clicking with this other couple (all things considered), then next time meet with them but on neutral ground (a hotel) for your play time. Don't dwell on this, you have too much good in your life to waste the time. Move forward and remember that this is supposed to be fun. If it isn't, then you know what your other choice is.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  7. #7

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Why even bother pointing a finger? What will this accomplish? I understand that you are upset and angry, but at this point you have two options: walk away from the thought of swinging in any form or learn and move forward. Pick one. Being angry really won't accomplish much other than raising your blood pressure and wasting time on bad feelings and what if's. Would it make you feel better if it was the other couples fault, your husbands fault, your fault? Learn and move forward. If you feel like you are clicking with this other couple (all things considered), then next time meet with them but on neutral ground (a hotel) for your play time. Don't dwell on this, you have too much good in your life to waste the time. Move forward and remember that this is supposed to be fun. If it isn't, then you know what your other choice is.
    No I was pretty peeved for a while and your right its in the past so theres little point trying to lay blame. I have virtually got past the initial anger, although my husband hasn't.
    And yes either way I don't think we'll be going back to the club for a while!
    In the end the other couple that appeared in the room weren't really who I'd have picked, but they both treated me well.....if you discount the way they arrived! And at the time my husband was happy to be with the wife?
    As far as the single guy was concerned I didn't like him much at all and he was way too rough, but at the same time it ticked a box on my husband's list so to speak?
    I'm ready to move forward, I'm just waiting for my husband to catch up!
    The first couple have apologised, although they didn't go as far as denying they had anything to do with the extra couple.....they did know we weren't happy racking up numbers?

  8. #8
    Swingers Board Addict padoc's Avatar
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    padoc

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    What Gold said!! Plus this….Not every swinging experience will be totally pleasing. Think back to high school and beyond and some of your non swinging/non married experiences. They couldn't all have been blissfully perfect. We've had some nights when we went home weak at the knees and grinning from ear to ear. We've had other nights when we've said "meh, it wasn't awful". We've had a one or two from which we've learned some hard lessons and even some where Mrs Doc said "and I shaved for THAT". Overall, we've had a lot of erotic fun exploring swinging. Your experience seems to fall between "meh" and a hard lesson. Decide what to take positively from that night and put the rest behind you. Or, and Im not being harsh, you two may want to step away for a bit and perhaps revisit swinging sometime in the future.

  9. #9

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Quote Originally Posted by padoc View Post
    What Gold said!! Plus this….Not every swinging experience will be totally pleasing. Think back to high school and beyond and some of your non swinging/non married experiences. They couldn't all have been blissfully perfect. We've had some nights when we went home weak at the knees and grinning from ear to ear. We've had other nights when we've said "meh, it wasn't awful". We've had a one or two from which we've learned some hard lessons and even some where Mrs Doc said "and I shaved for THAT". Overall, we've had a lot of erotic fun exploring swinging. Your experience seems to fall between "meh" and a hard lesson. Decide what to take positively from that night and put the rest behind you. Or, and Im not being harsh, you two may want to step away for a bit and perhaps revisit swinging sometime in the future.
    Yes we expected varying degrees of success over time, after all just because we get on personally doesn't mean we'll always get on in the bedroom.
    I think we really showed just how nieve we were regarding the 'private room' and I guess we're also feeling a little let down by the couple we effectively went to the club with, as they knew that we were new and didn't want to just rack up numbers. They knew that we are nervous and had only planned on sleeping with them that night. Although I must point out that we were obviously responsible for ourselves.
    We're not going to be doing anything for the rest of this month and then see how we feel?


  10. #10

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Make sure that hubbie knows what you have said here and keep those lines of communication open. It sounds like he is still upset that you were upset about what and how it happened. Tell him that it's okay now and here's what we will do to keep this from happening again. Maybe spend the immediate future looking for other couples on-line (or stick with the one couple you have already found?). It sounds like the other couple and guy were just taking advantage of your inexperience but now you have lived and learned and it won't happen again. Good luck as you continue forward.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  11. #11

    Default Re: How things work at clubs

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Make sure that hubbie knows what you have said here and keep those lines of communication open. It sounds like he is still upset that you were upset about what and how it happened. Tell him that it's okay now and here's what we will do to keep this from happening again. Maybe spend the immediate future looking for other couples on-line (or stick with the one couple you have already found?). It sounds like the other couple and guy were just taking advantage of your inexperience but now you have lived and learned and it won't happen again. Good luck as you continue forward.
    I have, but he's still not happy with what happened??
    Online sucked! I don't want to go back to that.
    I guess more time is required, which is unusual this way around! lol
    We're both fine and thats the main thing. And yes lessons were learnt.

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