New, inexperienced, advice appreciated

Hello everyone. The short version is long but I hope I can get some advice on a few questions.

My wife and I have lived in the same community for years. Initially we, through subtle and not so subtle hints, thought of a couple of our friends to be in the lifestyle. I never gave it much thought as we both brushed off the subtle and unsubtle advances. After some talking and thought we ventured outside our bounds, everything came together, and we had a great time. Our group which consists of 8 couples is great as we only occasionally partake and get no pressure for it. Things changed over the 4th though as I lost track of my wife at a party in our community. Having to return home to get my phone I walked in on 3 of the men having sex with my wife. Initially only hearing it I shook off the initial shock, went into a neighboring room, and got off listening. It was a strange set of emotions after returning to the party as I loved it but felt betrayed by my wife and friends. Ultimately I waited till the next day and spoke with “J” as I consider him to be the closest friend involved. After embarrassment and apologies he basically begged not to tell his or the other guys wives as it was “out of bounds”.

Only being casually involved in the lifestyle I understand but don’t understand as sex is sex to me at this point after the last year (monogamous prior). Is this common? Am I obligated through “the rules” as he called them to say something?

The other part is slightly more complicated and muddy. During the conversation I inquired as to how often this has gone on as I’m not too big a fool. Turns out since the first time we got together my wife has been having sex with each guy, sometimes weekly, and more times than not at least two at a time. All while suspecting nothing (I travel roughly %25 of the year) and having no fall off in our sex life. Embarrassingly I like the thought more than dislike it. Knowing my wife I know she will most likely be standoffish, embarrassed, and a mess if I confront her and I don’t want to do that. Even with my understanding and getting off to it do I risk her shutting down all facets? That’s not a question of opinion but instead for those who have had similar experiences. Also, if I do confront her and it goes well is there a best approach for trying to get her to branch off into some of my desires?

It’s odd as open we’ve become we still are so apprehensive to mention what we want to do and see. I’d love to be involved in a gang bang with her where everyone cums in her and I get to go last amongst other things.

Any input but especially from those with similar experiences would be appreciated.

Thank you for the response and I agree. J's take was that I was ok with it per her but wanted no details. In a way I may have confused her between telling her I love watching her get fucked and that she can play along, even though I assumed there were females as well, when i was out of town. Ultimately you're right and I need to talk to her no matter how awkward it will be. Ultimately I need to be forward with things I want as well. Hope it goes well as our relationship on a daily interacting basis has been better than great.

Wow, a lot to work through there...

Swinging with existing friends and neighbors is a good way to get in a bind, which is what you are finding out. The preexisting comfort level can be great at smoothing out those getting started bumps in the road, but when something goes wrong, there's no easy escape. What I would keep in my mind first and foremost is I have to live there, she has to live there, and they have to live there. Whatever you do, don't make a swinging dilemma into a life crisis dilemma. Maybe not what you want to hear, but my advice is to use this as an excuse to back out of the whole thing and look elsewhere for your swinging fun, IF...

As I read the situation, what your wife did came really close if not over the line on flat out cheating, repeatedly. Maybe we just don't have enough detail, but it sounds like stuff was going on behind your back all along, and unless you all had talked about it and she had a completely open hall pass to do anyone anywhere anytime as she saw fit without talking to you about, then she's cheating, and I would put a big stop on the swinging for now and maybe forever.

Tricky complicated situation, just go slow and ease your way through it and hopefully all will turn out ok.

NEWS FLASH! Your wife has been cheating on you with a number of men. That's not swinging, its cheating and I'd bet this is only the tip of the iceberg. You have way more problems than "shutting down all facets" of swinging. If I were you, I'd hire a PI and get a good lawyer on retainer.

I'm with padoc on this. I'm seeing red flags popping up all over the place on this one. We're missing some details here, but it sure as heck sounds like your wife is cheating on you. Even if you're in the lifestyle, you can still cheat. She is. Further, your friend J is saying he won't tell his wife and the other guys won't tell theirs. Guess what? That means they're cheating on their wives too. If they're willing to lie to their own wives, who won't they lie to? This guy isn't your friend, and neither are the other guys. They're cheating on their wives, your wife is cheating on you, and has kept you in the dark.

You don't want to shut down all facets? Well, you've got two choices here. Either you allow yourself to continue to be lied to and cheated on, and 'enjoy' this somehow, or you confront your wife and maybe, just maybe get your marriage back on an even keel where you are open and honest with each other. Swinging REQUIRES great, honest communication. You don't have that. Nevermind that this group of 8 couples is seriously dysfunctional and not to be trusted. If ever you do get back to swinging, it sure as hell better not be with this group. They will just backstab you again.

This isn't just a mess. It's far, far worse than that. Good luck.

For the productive input offered I say many thanks. I spoke to my wife last night and ended up in a 3+ hour conversation. It's apparent through our thoughts and everyone who offered on this board that a lack of communication and honesty is a major issue. It's odd but the more open we thought we became the less transparent we were with each other. She accepted responsibility and agreed with my demand she inform all uninformed of what's gone on. She's unsure whether or not any of the other halves know but admitted to putting her desires above their relationships. She swears up and down she had not had sex with anyone else since we were together. I tend to believe her. She showed a couple texts from after the first couple times we participated where she said it got a bit odd to fuck other guys after being married so long. Her excuse for not telling me was a bit flimsy as she thought I was ok with it. Again, communication failed on both parts as I've told her I love watching her get fucked by other guys without hearing intimate details. Problem is that it's come at the expense of other relationships and I had no idea. The other explanation was that she provided no details due to fear I would not be ok with what she wanted and would feel differently of her. Condoms have always been used during our time and it's always pulling out and at most cumming on her tits or pubic area. Consistent with J's account they always used condoms which was a relief. I was surprised though when she talked about always trying to arrange a gang bang, having everyone cum on her face, getting urinated on, amongst other things. Again a lack of communication as I'm fine with all of it even though I have to work to watching my wife get pissed on. A big question of mine was how and the hell did this even get started. The irony is, while out of town, she met with a contractor and designed a great bar area to be built in our guest house which doubled as an entertainment room (gift to me). After completed she invited people over to check it out and hours and drinks later was alone with "L" who we had yet to get together with (and still haven't) him and his wife as they're separated. She said they skinny dipped and she fucked him. The worst part is she has actively avoided us getting together when L and his wife have been around because he's black, attractive, apparently very large, they have great chemistry, and she's afraid I would have gotten jealous or upset which is far from the truth. Anyhow I read a lot of missing details in responses so I tried to be as detailed as possible. Bottom line is we're done for now and I wait anxiously over how my wife's message will be taken. I'm embarrassed for her and feel bad for everyone else involved even though I had no clue or conducted myself inappropriately. Again many thanks for all productive advice and encouragement. On a couple side notes. I've yet to explore this site too much or the world outside of my neighborhood "friends". When the dust settles does anyone have recommendations on where to go for unattached, professional, "every day people" who specialize or prefer different sex? Specifically some of the things my wife mentioned like getting gang banged by black guys, getting pissed on, or gang blowjobs? And does anyone do unprotected group sex? I'm majorly apprehensive because of the risks. Are there groups who require testing and practice regularly together? My wife wants to get came in during a gang bang and I want to be the last to finish.

How come no wife ever comes in here complaining about how a bunch of beautiful black women locked her out of her hotel room and smothered her husband with their DDs? I'd read that story. At least mix these up a little.

Is the consensus that the OP is polishing his knob with one hand while typing with the other?? Probably why he can't form complete sentences or paragraphs. Im leaning towards YES!

Is the consensus that the OP is polishing his knob with one hand while typing with the other?? Probably why he can't form complete sentences or paragraphs. Im leaning towards YES!

Pretty clear this person is just a troll.

There are so many people who look into this board for information or advice and then you have some asshole who wants to play with the very people who sincerely want to share their experiences and help others. Troll is too kind a description.

There are so many people who look into this board for information or advice and then you have some asshole who wants to play with the very people who sincerely want to share their experiences and help others. Troll is too kind a description.

I'm truly curious why people (especially those with such wisdom like you padoc) Feel the need to engage with those you deem trolls. Is there some inate need for confrontation? If threads like this ended at post #1, trolls would rapidly become extinct.

So, you KNEW this original post was a troll and yet you said nothing. Five of us took the time to read the post, a difficult task, then consider the aspects of it and then provide replies intended to help and guide the OP. That took time and effort and yes, caring on our part. You, oh wise one, could have saved us from wasting our time but you chose not to. That's very helpful.

Troll or not events have happened that are similar in the history of pre swing and post swing experiences. It can still be used as a learning/teaching moment for the less experienced and curious.

The thoughts and advice given is sincere......even if the story is out of penthouse letter fiction.

Troll or not events have happened that are similar in the history of pre swing and post swing experiences. It can still be used as a learning/teaching moment for the less experienced and curious.

 

The thoughts and advice given is sincere......even if the story is out of penthouse letter fiction.

I agree. That is what I think of as the Parable Theory.

There is truth expressed even if the story never happened.

How come no wife ever comes in here complaining about how a bunch of beautiful black women locked her out of her hotel room and smothered her husband with their DDs? ..

Troll or not events have happened that are similar in the history of pre swing and post swing experiences. It can still be used as a learning/teaching moment for the less experienced and curious.

 

The thoughts and advice given is sincere......even if the story is out of penthouse letter fiction.

I think the issue that grates with me is that some guy posts this fictional story as something that happened illicitly or was even non-consensual. The underlying "sincere thought" is that this is something he struggles to admit turns him on and has to frame as a mess for which he bears no responsibility. Almost inevitably, the controversy is some variation on his wife getting pile-driven and/or impregnated by some black guys, even if he has to claim his wife was raped to get where he's going in his story and put us all on about how distraught he is that this terrible thing happened - despite clearly masturbating to it.

We see this over and over again, to the point that when the story ends with "Does anybody have any similar stories?", it's almost like somebody's lit the Bat Signal that our time is being wasted. Maybe we can call it the Black Signal.

If you want to watch your wife get roughly air-tighted by three black dudes who ran out of condoms before they got to her while they insult your penis or whatever, that's completely cool. It's a genre of porn for a reason. I'm not kink-shaming. I'm shame-shaming. People should really just take ownership of what they're into instead of crab-walking around it by pretending they're just passive observers as their wildest fantasies tragically unfold around them.