Need Some Help - Not New to the Lifestyle But First Time With A Couple

I met my boyfriend of 3 years and fell madly in love with him - both in our 40's, both 2nd marriages. Not long after getting together he introduced me to the idea of swinging (he had done so in the past with his ex wife). I was immediately against the idea of him being with another woman, but we started talking about other possibilities. Eventually, I started engaging in more of the Hotwife stuff and we had a couple of threesomes with men - as this was his main kink (seeing me with other men). I was never fully into the Hotwife thing, even though it's a major kink of his, and I wanted something that would connect us more as a couple if we were going to continue in the "Lifestyle". We again talked about the idea of swinging. I decided it was something I should at least try with him.

We have met a really nice couple (two in fact) and gone on "initial dates" with them - dinner and drinks. It's time to "take the leap", so to speak, but I'm having such a hard time with the idea of my boyfriend and another woman. How do swingers manage the jealousy - the imagery of your partner getting pleasure from someone else, seeing them turned on by someone else or the idea that possibly they find someone else more attractive, better sexually, more interesting, etc. than you? No matter how hard I try, I feel like if I go through with this, then I am losing a part of him in a way. It's opposite for him...he LOVES to hear/see me getting pleasure from another man, and says that the jealousy is actually a huge turn on for him. Any advice or support would be highly appreciated...

(First time posting here, so forgive me if I did anything wrong)

You have done nothing wrong and I want to WELCOME you to Swingersboard.

Many swingers develop a feeling of jealousy, some early in their swing journey, others later. Getting through the feeling is much easier if a deep trust has already been established. I read between the lines of your story that you and your man friend have not yet established this kind of trusting relationship. The fact that your man friend expresses pleasure in jealousy is bothersome to me.

This seems to be all about what he wants. Have you asked yourself what you want?

"I feel like if I go through with this, then I am losing a part of him in a way"

Your emotion is real, and I understand it. He felt much the same way, I suspect, when you allowed another man to enjoy your body in the MFMs. The feeling is called Angst, not jealousy, and it's wrapped up in wondering if you'll lose your partner, if they will think you're lesser than the new person he is with.

In fact, you won't be 'losing' him so much as you are 'lending' him out. The key is to understand that he is committed to you, that even though he may be with another woman (as you'll be with another man,) he *WILL* come back to you after the encounter, that he will continue to love you and that he'll put you above the other woman he's with.

Have a talk about this, have him tell you about what he's feeling *FOR YOU*. That may allay your fears.

Good luck.

Welcome to the board. This is precisely the sort of question that is worth bringing to the group. You have done everything right by being here and posting here.

Feelings matter. Your feelings about each other. Your feelings about swinging. Your feelings about the institution of marriage and about your marriage.

The commitments of marriage--vows, if you will--convolve monogamy with fidelity. Indeed, the usual violations allow adultery, infidelity, and cheating to serve as synonyms for non-monogamy.

The lifestyle challenges those ideas by splitting monogamy into consensual non-monogamy (swinging) and non-consensual non-monogamy (cheating, etc.).

The emotions around swinging--envy and jealousy--are really expressions of fear--fear of inadequacy (envy) and fear of abandonment (jealousy).

So there are three questions both of you might wish to consider, to reflect, and to answer as truthfully as you can?

1. Can you separate fidelity from monogamy? To what extent is your commitment to each other represented by sex, dependent on sex, and independent from sex?

2. How will you deal with the fact that some other partner may be somehow 'better' than your spouse? Better kisser, whatever.

3. How will you deal with the sensation that your spouse might prefer (however brief) the other partner and the possibility (however remote) that you might "lose" your spouse to some other person?

All of the above are wrapped in the idea that you and your marriage are vulnerable.

Swinging does not "make your marriage vulnerable". It does however confront the idea that every marriage is vulnerable long before "death do us part". Both of you are past your first marriages, and that gives you additional perspective on both the (in)securities of marriage and how you might answer items 1-3.

There are no "correct" answers. Every person, every couple, will have their own responses. However, those answers will provide a basis for communication between you.

Again, welcome to the board.

It doesn't sound like you are ready so you both need to (at least) put things on hold. At the risk of repeating myself: to be successful at swinging, a couple needs three things...Love, trust, and communication...and you need all three in abundance. This is what keeps jealousy at bay. Being together long enough that you have that firm foundation of trust. Knowing that your partner is not looking for his/her next partner. The ability to talk about anything and everything without repercussions. The respect for each other. All of that takes time to develop. I KNOW, without a doubt, that my SO is coming home with me and not interested in finding someone to replace me (no matter how good they are at anything). Some people are just not 'wired' for swinging...most people aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. A couple needs to have an excellent relationship to be able to do this successfully AND be wired for it. It's a rare thing to find (or everyone would be doing it).

One thing swinging will do is expose your relationship to a magnifying glass. If the relationship is a great one, it can be the 'sprinkles on top of the ice cream sundae', if it isn't...it will make the weaknesses much more apparent and larger and can lead to the end of the relationship.

I was immediately against the idea of him being with another woman

I was never fully into the Hotwife thing, even though it's a major kink of his

I'm having such a hard time with the idea of my boyfriend and another woman

the idea that possibly they find someone else more attractive, better sexually, more interesting, etc. than you

I feel like if I go through with this, then I am losing a part of him in a way

You are not ready...and only you will know if you ever are going to be ready. Put it on pause and IF you decide to move forward, work more on strengthening the relationship you have with him. If he truly loves you, he will understand and not try to make you do something that you aren't ready to do. You will know if it is ever the right time and he will know that he shouldn't be pushing you to move forward if this is the right thing for you both. Good luck and let us know how things go.