Need expertise... I have 50 Shades wonderlust

Is it real? Is the story a good likeness of what really takes place between a Dom and Sub? For me, the story was hot as hell. I ached for the pages that detailed his lust for control. I wanted to be her. Is it really like that? Or much rougher? Is there any tenderness to it? Are there really safe words? How badly is pain? Is the pain masked by the pleasure? This longing is building up inside me. A feeling that consumes me, running through my veins. A carnal need to know this feeling but wondering how much of the story is smoke and mirrors. It's so exciting I cannot explain. Please. Enlighten me.

I should have realized that it would be you asking these questions.

Is it real?

Yes, there are hundreds...thousands of couples living similar to this.

Is the story a good likeness of what really takes place between a Dom and Sub?

Yes and no. In many instances the movie was D/s lite so that the general population could accept it. There were some HUGE flaws in the movie that I have a serious problem with however.

Is it really like that? Or much rougher? Is there any tenderness to it?

It is what the two of you decide it will be. Once again, in my opinion it was D/s lite and at least in our case, usually rougher but there is a tremendous amount of tenderness also involved. One thing that most people don't fully understand is that the sub is the one in control since the sub is allowing (in our case) me to take control from her. If I were to do anything too extreme or that violates the deep trust that she has placed in me, it would all be over. I have to be able to understand her limits and be able to take her there and push those boundaries just a little further (they're not boundaries unless they are tested) without going too far and damaging that trust.

Are there really safe words?

ABSOLUTELY! While there are others who play without safe words, I don't believe that this is a responsible thing to do. There are too many times when 'no' means 'yes' so you have to have something that says she is approaching a limit. We have three: yellow when she is getting uncomfortable, and red or mercy to stop.

How badly is pain? Is the pain masked by the pleasure?

I wouldn't know, but she says that it hurts so good.

Now for the part of the movie I don't agree with...the ending where she asks him to show her his worst, so she can experience just how bad things will get should she choose to remain in this relationship. He takes her to his playroom and strips her naked and bends her over so he can whip her fiercely with a belt...that is wrong which is why she leaves (until the second movie is made).

As a responsible Dom, you just don't do this. "Just how bad things will get..." isn't testing any limits of hers and this isn't about how far HE is willing to go (even if it was, this is a moving variable and shouldn't be able to pin down to one thing). This is more of a man deliberately trying to hurt another person than trying to find that persons limits. In the final minutes of the film, BDSM went from an shared intimate and stimulating experience to an abusive one. I will never condone any type of abuse.

I find movies are usually based on a grain of truth and a lot of imagination. BDSM is what you and your partner want it to be. There are many types and many activities. Some like financial domination, some like 24/7 control, and some are into pain and sexual domination. Some are into extreme kink like toilet training. Some into all of the above. My experience is mostly pain and sexual domination, and yes, the pain is much worse. Many sub, including myself, look to achieve something called subspace, where the pain causes the brain to release pleasure-inducing chemicals. The usual description is a flying or lightness feeling. It doesn't mean some dom is whacking the sub as hard as he can, but it includes lots of TLC, especially when the sub is coming down from the high. Part of the adventure is not knowing if the next touch is a whack from a paddle or the tickle from a feather.

I always play with a safe word. I have never used it, but it's definitely needed. If it's something you want to try, it's important to find someone you trust and know what he is doing. Otherwise you may get permanent scars or much worse.

Kiko here. Before my answer to your question, you understand that 50 Shades arose in response to the Twilight Series - right?? The author of 50 could not get behind the unspoken premise of Twilight: hot, hot people (vampires) NOT having sex. So she penned 50 as alternative fanfic: Hot people having hot sex. I devoured 50 myself, ignoring its faults. My opinion about the reality of 50 is - it works because it speaks to an unspoken female fantasy: Love me. Dominate me. Spoil me. Yes, it can be real. Safe words certainly are real. Subs certainly are real. And when you suffer the honest excruciating pain inflicted by a Dom and relax into the after-pleasure, the orgasm is real, hard, and Worth It.

Krome here looks like I will be tying you up later!

The ache is not subsiding. I have to know it. Do I go out searching or just wait until the opp arises

The ache is not subsiding. I have to know it. Do I go out searching or just wait until the opp arises

Start by finding someone you trust. No shit, had an adventurous GF before I met my wife that got into some serious trouble. That was not sexy nor fun.

Good luck and enjoy the search.

You might want to check out FetLife (fetlife.com) It is a good place to meet like minded persons.

Can't thank you enough for this suggestion. All my questions being answered. Have already met a few more than willing to show me the way. Thanks again.

Glad you are getting the information you need.

B

Me personally have never experienced a woman who wants to be submissive, in fact I find that most women I encounter are independent and want to be the dom, which usually don't go very far with me. I think with women that are more independent these days is why they want to dominate in their bed.