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chakka

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chakka last won the day on October 28 2008

chakka had the most liked content!

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About chakka

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 11/22/1971

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    couple
  • Location
    New England
  1. You were not harsh at all. Yours was a question I was asking myself as well and that is what is so great about the board, you can get different angles and questions from people that can help me think through issues. It has been a big help and I welcome all thoughts. Sometimes things that you don't want to hear, are the things you really need to hear. Thanks
  2. Wow. Everyone here has been a huge help to me. Aside from my husband, there is no to talk to about the LS. Thank you very much for your thoughts and time. Although my husband and I had talked about all this and I thought we had said everything there was to say about it, it was still eating at me over the last several days. It's been emotionally draining just to think about it. That takes alot of energy out of you. So, anyway, we talked about it again. The Mr. is with you Closet Swinger, There was a rule, he broke it, it was his fault, not mine. I couldn't understand why I couldn't seem to even start getting over this yet. He thinks it's because I am pissed, but never got pissed. I never said, you did this, and this, and this and acted like an asshole and really hurt me. I don't show my anger. So we talked some more about what happened and I did show a some anger this time I guess although not in your typical yelling sort of way. He can't give me an excuse for what he did because he says there is no excuse for it. He takes full responsibility for what happened. That was yesterday and I have felt much better since. Not sure where we'll go from here. He says cool off for a while....call me a glutten for punishment, but there is a party next month I would love to go to. A little more open talk about how I feel and not how I want to feel and mabe we will just make that party. LOL I know what I want out of play, I think I need to take a more forward approach to finding it. Instead of standing off to the side quietly, I need to take a more active roll in the night turning out in a way I am happy with. So we will chill for now, but next month I will most likely be voting...That sucked. Let's try it again! Thank you everyone.
  3. You both make alot of good points and I am so grateful for your thoughts. The Mr is interested in working things out. He doesn't want to go out again any time soon or until I am happy. He really does have our relationships best interest at heart.
  4. I agree with you Firefly, we or I think rather I need to be be forward with my communication. To be very clear. Say what I feel even if it's not how I WANT to feel. I am also thinking, , that the big issue here is I am not happy with myself. Is that digging too deep? Like I said I'm tired.
  5. fun4ds, I think you got it when you said you have had times when you felt "out of the loop" Thats how I felt, yet it seems so childish to me. What do I need a written invite. As far as being well accepted, what I mean is.., both women involved as well as my husband would have happily had me join in, would have pulled me in lol, been very happy that I was there. I wouldn't have to lurk around the outside, looking for an in. lol I wouldn't have had to stand off to the side and watch, they would have welcomed me in immediatly. Still and yes, I feel childish saying this, but another part of me gets mad and thinks, well if they wanted me in there they would have bothered to find me. I am not interested in playing without my husband around, but it seems he is interested in playing without me around. I think being a guy, that's just the way he is wired, all kinds of play are good. This bothers me alot. He says he loves when we are together and we will play together if that is what makes me comfortable but I get bothered that I know at times he would like to be alone with others. so it's my hang ups that are holding him back from doing what he really wants . I want more than anything for him to be happy. I can't expect him to feel the same way I do all the time. Who the fuck am I to think his every thought should be of me. We are individuals as well as a couple. But when I do play alone, my every thought is of him, that's why I won't do that anymore. There is nothing worse that having sex with someone while thinking, I want to get this over with so I can see my husband. It's not fair to me or my playmate. Aliloeverything, You think my reasons for jealousy run deeper that that. I think your right. He is attracted to all kinds of woman and the fact is, I am not attracted to many guys at all except him. Mabe it bothers me simply that he would want to play alone at all. I love going out and don't want to stop, but mabe your right that it should stop for a while. I am sitting at a computer at 10 am on a thursday crying as I write and that isn't good. I hardly slept at all last night, I just kept dwelling on it and getting more pissed off. I also think my jealousy may come from always having had a very low self esteem. When we first started going out, I was amazed at how many people were interested in me. It made me feel good, but didn't change what I think of myself. I think I will have him read all these post and then mabe have long talk. I just don't know what I want him to say, I don't think he can say much to make me feel better, he has said it all. I think I need to work this out for myself. He is the guy at the party that attracts alot of attention, funny, outgoing, the woman love him. He could play non stop if he wanted. I am the woman who is quite, trying not to make eye contact as I may have to avoid advances and I am strangly uncomfortable saying no. Please everyone feel free to speak your mind to me, I won't take offense at all, I want to hear all opinions wether I like them or not. I really need to quit my night job and get a day job, I am so tired and that is most likely why I am sitting here crying like baby. I think I need to toughen up a bit lol Thanks guys for letting me vent.
  6. The fuse, Why didn't I go in there? I have no idea. I know perfectly well I could have. I would have been well accepted. I think I was just pissed off right off the bat. The last time I had seen him, in the kitchen, he said " ya sure go have your smoke and we will meet up in a while. Don't worry, I won't do anything without you." That's what I mean when I say, why can't I just chill out. I should have just gone in , you are right. bbarnsworth, Your 6 steps are dead on. digginit, I feel the same way, I want it to be about "us", not ourselves as individuals Wonderwhat, We were drivin to the party by friends. We didn't have our car with us and were very far away. There was no choice unless we wanted to ruin their night too. Neither of us would want that. secretasianman, I guess I do expect him to read my mind sometimes . Yes, I do that. It's terrible. Yet another New Years resolution to make. lol Stop doing that! Thanks for all the imput everyone, I was feeling bad about it all night at work and your replys helped.
  7. I'll try to make long story short. We have been in the lifestyle about 4 years. Had our ups and downs, a hell of alot of great times. At first our only rule was we play together. Then after a while we relized that this is easier said then done. We played separate for a while as well as together sometimes and all was good. Then I started having a problem (Mrs.) I was jealous alot of the time and I never had been before. Problems arouse from this of course. We waisted alot of money going out only to have a bad time. I kicked back and really thought about it for a while and realized why I was jealous. When I first suggested doing this, it was because I had a strong desire to see my husband with another woman. I love other guys involved as well, but I guess it is just that I just love to be involved together, wether that is with one other or just having sex near each other with others. This isn't coming out right....I have the best time when this is an activity shared, together, when we were splitting up alot, I felt like it was pulling us apart instead of the unbelievable closeness I feel when we play together. So after a break to figure this out in my head, we started going out again, back to our old rule, we only play together/same room. It went well:) So we go to a very large party reciently, huge, bigger than I've ever seen. Very nice:) Everything fine for a few. He and I went our separate ways, to socialize I went to have a smoke. About 20 minutes later, I see him so I am walking over and he is headed for the open room, I can't see who is in front of him but am pretty sure it is a friend of ours, he looks back breifly , sees me and walks in the room. At this point I am thinking nothing of it, he wouldn't do that. So I use the bathroom, come back and there he is playing in the open room with 2 of our friends, both female. Now understand, These are woman I love to death, trust immensly, they have best friend relationships with their guys just like the mr and I do. He has played with them alot and so have I . So right away I get the bad feelings again, and I'm thinking just go socialize a bit don't make a big deal about it they will be out soon. Yes, I could have just joined them for some reason I felt childeshly left out and didn't want to. After about an hour of fending off single guys and too much dwelling on it and too much drinking ( heavy drinking) stupid I know, I went into the open room and said to him, " what happened to sticking together" He was taken off guard. He said I thought you were right behind me. This feuled my fire even more as my first drunken thought is , for the last f-ing hour you thought I was right behind you, glad to know you would even notice. So I leave the room and they shortly follow. We had a breif few words, he felt like such an ass. Know this guy is awesome would never intentionaly hurt me. He is my prince. So I am about to pass out I say Do whatever you want I am going to the car. I proceed to go to the car and pass out. I was so mad at myself that I couldn't get up and take care of the situation like I should. I had ruined yet another night and about 250 bucks lol. We hadn't been out in so long and was so looking forward to a good time. I felt like such a jerk. So did he. he spent the rest of the night doing nothing , checking on me frequently. We talked about it the next day. He was so very sorry, said he thought I was with one of our friends husband, got caught up, then said there was no excuse for what he did, and feels so bad and is so sorry. I appoligized too as I am ashamed at the way I acted, he says there is nothing I should be sorry for and he says mabe we shouldn't swing anymore. It take too much emotional effort, too much money and is causing us problems that last days. I know he would miss the sex, but he says he doesn't care. The thing is when it's good...It's GREAT! I love to go out, and so does he. We have vanilla friends, but it's not the same, diffent atmosphere, uptight people, boring. We don't have fun, Sex aside, swingers are a blast. So I don't want to stop, we stopped for 3 months. Kids, bills, work, the house, we need a break, and that's our release. I don't want to stop, I want to figure out how to make it work. There is nothing in the world like watching him go at it. Yet days later I am still dwelling on what happened. It is so hard to play together sometimes and yet when we play apart, I am thinking of him and what he is up to and really have no interest in any guys alone, It's like I am not attracted to anyone, playing in a group is great, but alone, I have no fun I just want my guy there by my side. That puts a whole differnt light on it. Should we stop? How can we make this work? We deep down love it really. I feel like such a head case. If I could just chill out things would be fine.
  8. I think any playmate that gives me a hicky, where I can't hide it, should go to Swinger Hell. It has happened to me. Won't happen again!
  9. I would love to see my man do all of the above. I have fantasies about it all the time. Yes, he knows I think about it. He may try it some day, but for now, he's not into it.
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