Wanting to Leave the lifestyle

So the wife and I have been it for a littler over a year. At first we would seek out couples, but the wife started to talk more and more to guys online and going for situations that seemed more to her liking versus us as couple. Several months ago she started an online friendship that I didn't know at the time that the guy was hiding it from his wife for a couple of months. She is aware that they are talking now, but I am not comfortable with it. The wife in that situation is being kind of forced out of the lifestyle since he has a girlfriend. They don't go to parties and she is suffering from depression. My wife has expressed extreme interest in him. She says that we are not doing things seperate, but that doesn't seem to be the case. She has hall passed a few times with guys while I have not. If I talk to any women she doesn't approve of she thinks I am doing things on my own. A couple of months ago she joined a group that seems more to her liking. She has a thing for black guys and this group is about BBWs who are into them. Since then she texts all day every day. She will cut me off at times to answer texts, or check the message board. Tonight after work we were watching tv and she fell asleep. A couple of hours later I went to bed and she woke up. For 3 hours she was online talking to them. I figured we would spend some time as couple. Lately though it seems as though her interest is elsewhere and I feel trapped. Finally I said I am done with all of this and have begged her to quit. She said she does this because of me. I want to work on our marriage and spend time getting back to where we were. She doesn't want to quit, but insists that I work on the marriage with her. I am wondering how I can do this if she plans on going out on dates, parties and hall passing while keeping it all hidden from me.

Whenever my wife is interested in someone or something, sexual or not, I always support her and she always lets me in on it, whether it's some stupid exercise thing, a group of lesbian girlfriends who aren't interested in men/me, or her volunteer work. Spouses don't have to be interested in and do the same things, but they shouldn't hide them from one another.

In order to be successful with swinging, you first must have a rock solid relationship with an abundance of love, trust and communication...newsflash: you don't have this. If possible (is say possible because it doesn't sound like she will be interested) you need to stop all interactions NOW and work on fixing your relationship. With Ms. Gold and myself, if either of us were to say that we wanted to stop, we (as a couple) would be done with no regrets and no looking back. This doesn't sound like your wife. Pandora's box has been opened for her and it sounds like she doesn't want to look back. Talk with her asap and let her know that this needs to be put on pause, at least for now. It will be interesting to hear what her response will be...

Your wife is rationalizing her interest in this guy at the expense of your marriage. It's really worse. She is trying to manipulate you. If she won't agree to put things on hold until you straighten out your marriage, I think things will get worse. This doesn't work if one of you prioritizes a play partner over one's spouse.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I'm agreeing with your wife's actions, in fact some of them sound very upsetting indeed and you have a right to worried / you have a right to cautious / you do NOT have a right to be angry or abusive, but sure you do have the right to protect yourself, to be cautious, to lay down some ground rules, to enforce your own boundaries.

Guess what I'm trying to say here is look for the positives as well. DON'T be to quick to act but instead do two things first:

A) Look at Yourself:

B) Look at the Positives:

I mean in this case is ALL your wife's behaviour bad and wrong, or do you just not like it because it takes control away from you. Is all your wife's behaviour bad and wrong, or do you simply have confidence issues regarding some of it.

What is the positive?

The positive is that YOUR WIFE unlike many women around the world is actually willing to do this and actually showing a strong interest in things.

No as it stands you basically saying.....

“Oh no, oh no this isn't what I had in mind it all needs to stop!”

Where really you could be thinking more along the lines of.....

“Oh no, oh no this hasn't worked out totally how I planned, but hey look at my wife go, she is showing a real interest in this lifestyle and with some time, with some better rules in place, with some compromise and soul searching, maybe even with some couples therapy my wife could fucking rock this and we could find a compromise that suits us both”

You could also be thinking along the lines of....

“Hey you know what we can take a break and work on us. I can look at my communication skills, we can look at our ways of communicating with these people, we can have a time of organization, re-evaluate our goals, plans, ideas, rules and so on”

One thing I will say that might totally change your game is.....

SAFE ENCOUNTERS:

In this case your saying your wife is talking to loads of black guys / has a thing for black guys and that you don't feel comfy with these guys been in constant contact.

I get this.... These guys are probably from the same city as you, they can message her whenever they want, can arrange to meet her whenever they want, it could lead into cheating and all sorts of complications, that its too close for comfort.

In which case you can create a safer encounter, in this case you could basically say to your wife that you would like her to stop talking with these people, that you do want to act as a couple and make choices as a couple, but also if she does want to explore with black men then why don't we meet someone who lives a bit further away and we can have a few holidays a year.

I'm not sure if that makes sense but your wife fucking a black guy who lives 15 minutes down the road and who can call and text her everyday is perhaps worrying or to close to home for you. In which case meet a black guy who lives 2 hours away in another city and go and have a nice weekend break there and let your wife bounce up and down on his big black dick all she wants.

If this guy does want to try anything funny with your wife, like asking her to cheat then he will have a nice 2 hour drive to meet her and another 2 hour drive back.

In other examples you could travel away to a swingers club in another city, give your wife 3 or 4 super safe condoms and let her spend the night riding any black guy she wanted, all with condoms, then leave and if you don't want you never have to attend that club again if you didn't want to.

Hopefully this is all making sense, I mean there is a big difference between your wife fucking some guy who only lives 10 minutes away and has her number, email, and all her details than simply meeting a stranger for some safe fun, or some guy who lives miles away and would struggle to drag your wife into affairs or private meetings.

In my eyes the positive thing here is that she is interested, you can slam on the breaks, you can get upset and preform some kind of emergency stop, or in some respects you can roll with it and just have some heart felt chats and try to adjust it to something you are happy with.

This means YOU might have to adapt some of your thinking as well. This isn't MY WAY or the highway, its more just figuring out your way as a couple if that makes sense.

I will also point out that maybe the idea of black guys scares you a little, worries you, seems so different, potentially feels threatening and I have to admit when I first started years ago I felt those things, I was scared and unsure at the idea of a black guy.

Now years later if my girl wanted a black dick then I'd happily pull her knickers down for him and push her into his arms. He after all is just a man like me, and he wants the same things, in this case pussy!

What is the positive?

 

The positive is that YOUR WIFE unlike many women around the world is actually willing to do this and actually showing a strong interest in things...

Yep. As I have said, better to have a wife who is too interested in sex than not enough (or not at all.) What percentage of new threads here are, "How do I get my wife to swing?"

Now years later if my girl wanted a black dick then I'd happily pull her knickers down for him and push her into his arms...

You have the right attitude. Give her what she wants and you'll be happy too.