ophelia

MS Couple 04 I am SOOOOO with you. You voiced exactly how I feel. I would cut off a mammary gland for my husband, but I just can't understand how he can say he loves me as much as he does and still have this overwhelming desire to do somebody else. They must be wired differently????? Stoutgatte, Thank you for defending my sweetie's honor. I know he is doing his best to be patient with me, but part of him is really chomping at the bit and it shows more than he thinks it does. OK, he has decided to put his two cents in here, so here goes: "Well I am Ophelia's husband. So here is my side of the story: I love my wife dearly and told her if she cant do this then we wont. BUT you do not know her like I do...If I mention I like something (even in passing) I usually find it coming in the mail from ebay within the month (so I have had to learn to be careful what I say because she is such a nurturing mate and mother - she does this for the kids also). I did tell her about my past in the lifestyle when it looked like we were getting serious. We agreed to "ALWAYS" tell each other the truth because even little lies (i.e. "no dear you look wonderful in the white balloon shaped dress with the ruffles") will erode trust over time. In the beginning, when I told her she said she had a pretty "colorful" sexual past also and she thought she could play in the lifestyle given some time to look into it. Its been almost four years, and only recently has she started telling me how hard it is for her to do this. That may be my fault also, sometimes we hear only what we want to hear. I reiterate, WE WILL NOT PLAY TILL SHE IS READY - IF AND WHEN SHE IS READY! She gave me permission to play without her (I am out of town due to work a lot). I will not play without her. I told her I want to play with her in the lifestyle - NOT in spite of her. I was in the lifestyle as a couple and as a single for 5-7 years. I saw a lot of good and some bad in the lifestyle. Some of the best friendships I have ever made were lifestylers (i.e. hard not to be friends with someone when you've had your face between their legs - lol). To me, the lifestyle is like having really great friends you can barbeque, see movies, watch TV or take trips with and add to that you can have sex with them also. Best of friends plus something extra. My baby has ONLY been in remission since we have been dating (I found that out last nite). She is not sure why she is in remission...she thinks because I dont ignore her...maybe because I told her do not cheat, if you feel the need - call a lifestyler friend (it sort of takes away the fun of doing something your not supposed to do - I think and I want to make sure she plays with someone safe - no PSYCHOS). As far as our relationship goes, I love her more than life itself. But I do know enough about addiction (I may have a lessor form of the addiction),to know you are NEVER cured....only in remission or under control. So eventually she may start feeling the old urges....if she needs it (with or without the lifestyle) then We will deal with it together. Additionally, she is VERY submissive. She got turned on when I took control and told her what to do when we were Yahoo video conferencing with a couple a few nites ago...do I think she would enjoy lifestyle eventually?....a strong Maybe...will I force her to "TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM'? - Never!!! I do think she needs to come to grips with why i love her - if she was one legged, weighed 400 lbs and drooled constantly..she could not get rid of me with dynamite. She thinks she is a 6 1/2 and Im a 10....what she doesn't realize is that I'm the 6 1/2 and she is the 10! I love her for what she is to us (kids and I) when she is not being 'my little slut puppy' in bed! I hope we can play in the lifestyle someday (when/if see is ready)...we moved too fast and she was not ready for a party now... we will take things slow and let her decide what she likes and doesn't like...but i think it is good that she is finding out as much as she can about the lifestyle so she can make an INFORMED decision. I am now getting off my soapbox...ty"

MR. VJK? I hope I remembered your handle correctly.....perhaps I will put hubby onto this thread later, but I need to clarify some issues from my own perspective before I fall behind his shadow, as I am want to do. He tends to want to defend himself and the lifestyle and I might not be able to ask honest questions without tromping his feelings. I let him see some of this so I get his point of view, but some things I can't show him yet. I do understand your point, though. As for my fellow newbie...I think you and my husband have much in common. He tells me he would do anything for me, including never play...it's just that I want to do this for him becaue I know it would make him happy. Being here to get some answers is part of a last ditch effort to give it my best college try. I want to exhaust all possibilitites before I say, "I really give up; it's beyond my capabilities."

Let me clarify here before my sweetie is over-vilified. I was being sent to the shrink for depression anyhoo (Yes, part of my depression stems from not being able to do this for my husband after having years to rap my brain around the idea); my husband simply suggested a "while you are there, how about working on some jealousy and self-esteem issues as well?" As for why he just doesn't abandon the whole idea, he thinks it would be dishonest to tell me he would never think about it again. He is going to hold hope that one day I can enter the lifestyle. He says if I don't, then he will be content to remain monogamous; he doesn't NEED the lifestyle like he needs to keep his family. We do come first. I just want to do this for him as he does so much for me. Does that make any sense? As for the addiction, if I could find a way to change the addiction from an ON/Off switch to a dimmer switch, I wouldn't be so afraid of reverting to old, bad behaviors either.

THAT'S IT! He says that all the time! Yes, I knew about his interest in the lifestyle before we were married, which is part of my guilt because I thought I would be able to do this one day and I haven't been able to follow through yet. Maybe I still consider us newlyweds as we have only been married 3 1/2 years. This is my second marriage but his first. We are 41 and 36. He doesn't understand my aversion as I am a recovering sex-addict. This lifestyle should be a freakin' buffet for me, but now that I have found him, nobody else really measures up. Antonio Bandaras could come to me in nothing but a damp white towel, fresh from the shower, and although I might enjoy the view, I wouldn't feel a need to rip off the towel and ride like the Kentucky Derby. When I was nearing rock bottom, I would have jumped Jabba the Hut just to say I had done it. I have been in remission since meeting my husband. He is the ONLY man I have ever been faithful to. This just gets more convoluted as we go. Thank all of you again...you are being so helpful.

Wow, some answers already? Thank you. He is understanding of the lowest partner theory; the pressure to hurry is more self-induced than not. I feel like he is missing something important to him and I am standing in the way. The therapy is his idea. He says I need to work on jealousy anyway. Of course, I don't see myself as a raging jealous lunatic, but he is not the first to notice a jealous streak in me, so something must be there. He says it would be a good issue to work on anyway. He also suggest I work on my own self-esteem as my jealousy may spring from a fear of losing him. He has a point. I certainly see my husband as a 10 with myself as a solid 6 1/2. He tells me ll the time I could never lose him and he loves me to pieces, but I still have a small voice in my head wondering why????? I have bout 15-20 more baby pounds to lose, but otherwise, I am pretty darn cute...I just don't remember that all the time when compared to him. Yep, I know, I have him on a pedestal.......

Thank you all in advance as I have been trying to deal with these issues alone and now I know where to go. My husband is absolutely the most perfect mate for me on this planet. We think alike, finish sentences, and even understand a look from across the room. If two pople were ever soul-mates, it would be us. Only one issue keeps us from complete, mutual understanding: Swinging. He had a former girlfriend who introduced him to the lifestyle and his girlfriends since have joined the lifestyle with him. I have known about his attraction to swinging since the beginning and I honestly thought it would be something I could handle. He discusses the subject in spurts; there are times he wants to play and times he is happy to just be home. He has finally told me he is ready to play. He knows I will do anything he asks, so we had made plans for a party this coming Saturday. I can't stop crying. I do not even begin to want anyone else and I am hurt that he does. Since he has experience here, he cacnelled our plans to attend since it is not a good idea to take one for the team. It hurts feelings all the way around. So, here I am, wanting to make my husband happy (he was like a kid on Christmas Eve when he thought we were going) and I can't because the idea of anyone else touching me just doesn't turn me on and the thought of seeing him with another womn cuts the heart. He already has me going to a therapist to work on jealousy issues so that won't be a problem, but what else can I do? Can I do anything to hurry this process along? He deserves my very best effort; I just don't know how to start.