frenchie

When I say thanks for the replies I do mean it, and I am taking everyones thoughts, comments and sugjestions to heart. I do love my wife more then the need to swing, but that need is still there, aching to be lived out. Having read so many posts on the "How To" perswade one half of the couple to give this a try, I honestly hoped there would be some great advise on how to help my wife ease into this, to help her get over her feelings that doing this together is nothing to feel guilty about. She is an incredible woman and I love her, but yet having seen and experienced a little bit with her, who wouldn't want to experience more, especially knowing how sexual she is with me and of course wittnessing the MFM. Most of the replies are saying to leave it alone, to not encourage it when she brings it up, that not everybody is cut out for this, and I guess most replies are true, that perhaps I have put alot of stress on her causeing her to give in. Even with the things I didn't know I was doing was pressuring her. While yes I still do desire my fantacies, and have had alot of come to life already, and should we ever do anything again it has to be her choice, her wants, not just to please me. I do think that's where I've been most confused. Confused by my wants and getting them at any cost where I've allowed her to put my own needs above her own and not giving back as much as I've been taking. I've been very gready and I need to redirect my life away from swinging and concentrate more on my wife. I want to close this post with thanking you all and I sincerely hope in my frustration I didn't appear to harsh on my wife. I've been so confused lately and it's helped alot to have the different opinions to help give me the clarity I needed, or the swift kick in the @ss to wake me up to the mess I created and what's most important to me. My wife. F.

Many thanks to all who took the time to post replies and a very big thanks to TNT and BI who seemed to see how I feel during this on again off again attitude from my wife. About 8 months ago during a argument I actually packed and left, she was crying and holding our marriage paper and weeping that she wanted "this" to mean something, I told her as-matter-of-factly that "why should I have to pay for the ass holes that hurt you?, I've wanted this for along time and I'm going to have, with you or without you" and then I left. Now I did come back a few hours later, I decided that I wasn't being fair, I figured I'd put all my swinging dreams in the back of my mind and leave it there, but every now and then the subject comes up. To be perfectly honest, this is something I've always wanted to try, (she knows this- as I've told her many times), considering she loves sex, I thought "FINALLY" someone I could share this with. Is it my fault that she's had a few bad experinces?? Should I continue to pay for the ones who hurt her in the past?? I don't think so, I'm not them, I have no trouble separating sex from love, (not that I want to have sex with another woman) but if it were something my wife wanted to see or have happen ; hell I'm not going to say no. It's like the MFM we did, she was so excited during the event (or at least she appeared to be) it was the after, after things settled down, she was always in tears, thinkings somehow she violated our vows, I tried to comfort her, I told her that I love her, that nothing, none of my feelings for her had changed. And that was some months ago. It's like nothing I do works or is good enough for her, when we first got together things were very new & exciting, we used to make love almost every night and send each other greetings and leave each other little love notes in our vehicals, but in every relationship things slow down, we don't make love every night, probably 3 times a week, and with us both working (and the little side projects I do for our home- ex. fixing up our vehicals, build a new desk, re-finish the coffee table, etc.) I don't have as much time as I used to to send her greetings or leave a love note in her car. But all she does is complain how I don't do these things all the time, she doesn't understand that I'm busy doing other things now, other things that also show my love. and like I've told her "there's only so much I can do before you get bord with them". Just because she can still find the time to work, keep house, raise kids, plus leave me notes, greetings etc. that doesn't mean I can. I'm not "Superman" Guess I've strolled off course. F. F.

Hiya and thanks for the many replies, when we went to the club the first time, she knew I wanted to go and see what happens, sort of check it out, as I've never been to one and neither had she. My wife knowing that I really wanted to go, after some talks, she brought up going and actually made the arangements. I was in awww. During the 90 minute drive, half way there shje made a statement that I could have whatever I wanted while we were there but then our marriage was dead in the water and that if I chose to do by bidding that just as soon as we got back home she was calling our marriage quits. Packing, leaving and filing for divorce that Monday. So needless to say if I looked too much at another woman or couple or allowed anything to happen with another person or persons; our life was over. Was it fair of her to take me there with no intentions what so ever of doing anything?? I resloved myself there n then that my life with her was most important and we kept to ourselves. We danced, ate, made love together, enjoyed the hot-tub, etc... but that was it, there was a woman at the bar giving a blow-job to a few guys and I really wanted to get a closer look, but the look in my wifes eyes we're deadly. So I watvched from afar. Then another woman got totally nude and danced on the small dance floor, doing a very sexual dance with the brass pole, I didn't utter a sound and tried to watch without making it too noticable, but as soon as the woman began to do her thing, my wife appeard to want to block my view and I felt uncomfortable, it was as if she took us there to tease me, to let me see what fgoes on at a club, but not let me see, as if she was desparate to keep me focused on just her and forget where we were??? That was about 6 months ago. Then she gets upset with me if I check the accounts and has made it clear that I am not to do this unless she's right there. So with our work schedule the accounts don't get ckecked to often, but on Christmas day after our guests left I went to the computer and checked our accounts, she flew off the handle and shouted at me that "why do you have to check those accounts on OUR holiday" and something to the effect of that she can't have a normal day without this invading her life" and got told the same thing when I check the accounts on her b'day. I made a mistake of checking those accounts on her b'day, and an even bigger mistake when I went to the adult store and bought a few porno's for her b'day, she's wasn't upset at my gift, she was upset that I forgot to get her a card. So in my attempt to do some damage control me and my 12 yr old step son decorated the house (inside n out) on that Sunday while she was work, we bought her a card, made a homemade cake, made the dinner, bought her a few gifts (none sexual) it smoothed things over and life was back on track. Then while we were out doing some shopping, we were looking at some digital cameras and she made a comment about the size and how small it was and then a gesture about how it could fit between her breasts and laughingly said how it could be snuck into the club. I felt like; cool, she wants to go back, so I didn't bring it up again, then a few weeks later we were in the Mall and she saw a cute skirt and wanted to stop and check it out, and while we were there I jokingly asked "a clubing skirt?" and her reply was ; Maybe or could be. So once again I left it at that. Then like I said in my post she brings up the subject of going to the club, but with the same rules. Even though I'd like the whole package I've told her many times that I'm happy with what she feels comfortable with, if she doesn't want touching, fine, if she's only comfortable being watched, then ok, I'm not the 'all or nothing' type, and having a little is better then getting none. I feel that even though I try not bring it up, she knows I still want to explore it and is trying to give me what I want while keeping herself and our relationship free from harm. My wife is wonderful, and everything I never knew I deserved in life and do not want to be withot her, but she's the clasic 'over-do-er' always thinking of others before herself. That's what makes her happy, but in her quest to make me happy and give me what I want, it's tearing her apart at the seams. seeing her standing there doing dishes with quiet tears falling down her cheek just to make me happy. In retrospect, Yes I want this, but not at this cost, so do I stay happy with what she's giving me (making me a taker) or tell her I'm no longer interested when she brings the subect up.... (making me a liar) thanks, F.

Well I'm guessing that perhaps in my excitment I didn't really see what my nudging was doing, this has been something I wanted for a very long time and I really thought since she likes sex that this wuold me a great journy for both of us. Knowing her sexual history and mine, but taking into account that she does enjoy sex, I thought perhaps it wasn't "that" tramatic, or that she had put it behind her. I'm also guessing that in my excitment I didn't stop to think that she really was just going along with everything to make me happy (as she does with everything else) I should state that I never forced her, I simply stated my opinion that this was something I have wanted to explore for a very long time and that there is a difference between sex and making love and that I have no trouble separating the two, even if she does. I've explained my desires and whytp her till I'm blue in the face that having sex would make us more closer and the excitment and fun would only be enhansing the great sex we have, (not replaceing it) It is very difficult now that I've had a taste of my dreams to simply forget they exist. But when I say, ok fine, we'll just forget about it... and I won't check "those" accounts so often, but then a few days or weeks will pass and then she brings it up and gives me hope. Like the other day, she said that maybe for my b'day we can go back to the club, (she has stated that she did enjoy going) but that IF we go, the same rules apply, she wants us to keep any and all sexual activity to just us. That if anyone wants to watch us, that's fine, but that's it. I want to go back to the club,but is she for real, or only offering this to please me, or just stringing me along. thanks for the replies F.

thanks for the reply, from my point of view she appears to hate the idea and then after some nudging she kind of gives me the impression that she's warming up to the idea. But then when we have talked about why swinging doesn't apeal to her I get blasted with the comments that she was brought up to be a "good girl" and how she has always taken great pride in herself that she was never one of those girls that laid down for just anyone and how she equates having sex as that same as making love and that how she firmly believes that the one without the other makes it meaningless to her. I know she loves me and wants nothing more then to please me and make me happy and I feel she's only partispated in what we have done thus far for just that reason. And to be truthful it did excite me beyond words to have another man pleaseing her with me. She was so hot and excited, so turned on, But in the days that passed after, she was emotionally ruined and totally grief stricken believing that she broke our vows, I just need to find a way for her to get over it and understand that I was there too, and if I don't view our actions as breaking a vow to me then she shouldn't. I want the whole package, and I feel if I can get her to see things my way (that I'm ok with another man pleaeing her / that we're still being faithful to each other) then maybe shell be more ok with giving it another shot. thanks, F.

hiya and thanks for the warm welcome. This is the male half, mid 40's, average looks, but female half thinks I'm a stud. LOL. What they say? Love is blind? LOL ok I guess you can tell I'm nervous, normal? I've always been what I considered to be very sexual and passionate, my first wife was a low drive to no drive and it always always felt like I was lacking in love, attention, and starved for sex all the time, move ahead, eventually divorced, met my current wife (online of all places), fell maddly and passionatly toe tickling inlove with her, she's fun, very sexual, passionate, she is always looking for ways to please me and I gobble it up. Gready huh? LOL I've always had this secret desire to try swinging, just the mental thought is so exciting, I kept my secret to myself during my first marraige due to the fact she had no interest in sex or me. The beautiful woman I am married to now is so sexual, sensual, passionate, with a mouth that was just made for my &^%$. She is so sexual and would love nothing more but to never get out of bed. LOL. So considering she is so sexual and loves sex, I told her about my secret desire once while we were dating, and she seemed kind of blasay about it, again considering she is so damn ready at the drop of a pin and now that were officially married, I brought up my secret once more, but more seriously, this time there was nothing blasay with her reaction. She literly became unglued, unhinged, distraught, some pretty serious arguments erupted over my secret, I made a few threats about wanting this, with or without her, (bad thing) but after some time passed, she seemed to be getting more ok with the idea, we began reading whatever we could, we took a few swinger tests (online) we talked about what I wanted, what turned her on, what we could handle, not handle, etc... the more she seemed ok about trying this, the more excited I got at the prospect of sharing this sexual woman. After some nudging we met several couples, attended a few house parties and a club once, all the above just keeping to ourselves, then after more nudging, we tryed a MMF combo with my wife as the center of attention, everything seemed ok, she was definatly turned on during, the fire inside her was on full tilt, after, her thoughts about the event got the better of her, she began breaking down at work, going to the rest room and crying to the point of having to leave work, we're new to this area and I know she has no one to talk to (female friends she can trust) now sh e feels like she's betrayed me adn our marriage and has informed me that if I still want this, then I have to be ok with what she can offer, which is the bare bones min, no others in a physical form, no touching, etc... all I'm offered is live porn when I want the whole package. I know about my wifes sexual history, she confided in me from the beginning about being raped at 14 by her brothers freind, the 2 male cousins that molested her as a teenager, how she was never unfaithful to her ex husband who was unfaithful. I am her 3rd real sexual partner (not counting the rape) I love my wife and want to swing with erh, what can I do to make her get over her feelings of regret, betrayal and grief over what we have done together, I have told her over n over that I don't see what we have done as any form of betrayal, but I can't get that into her head. I want more then live porn, but I want my wife to be truly ok with what we do and have done. I'll take all the help and sugjestions I can get. thanks, F