Jump to content
IntrovertedLoV3r

Introduced to poly lifestyle a year ago now partner wants to swing with his wife I am troubled

Recommended Posts

I do apologize If I seem ignorant or closed minded but I am fearful. I recently found out that the man I have been seeing for a year who told me up front that he was polyamorous but only looking to expand his “collective” to 1 or 2 partners outside of his wife now wants to explore swinging. I am afraid of the possibility of him giving me an STD or STI. I have never had one and do not ever want to get one. I am concerned because he and his wife want to do this and they didn’t talk to me about it or include me in possibly joining them so I could get more acclimated  to the lifestyle and possibly find my place in it. I feel like this decision is not demonstrating the principles of polyamory where communication and openness are paramount. Does this “ethical”non-monogamy only extent to the primary couple? Should I not expect my feelings or comfort to be considered in the arrangement? Let me be clear the words love and girlfriend and consideration including me in a “family style”arrangement  have been discussed. Our encounters were never just sexual there were emotions involved. Please help me understand. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Every arrangement can vary, but it doesn't sound like you are in a 'poly' relationship to me. They are evolving as a couple - you can evolve with them or cut them loose.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Unlike the Swinger Lifestyle polyamory and polygamist relationships are far more complicated.  There are relationships, feelings, a deeper connection/friendship that can happen in the swinger LS when couples/single/solo participants become common and steady playmates.  It can border a polyamorist lifestyle to some degree but the couple involved maintains a primary relationship but not necessarily exclusive relationships.  Some poly relationships also include the swing lifestyle while remaining emotionally attached to primary partners.  Most often polygamy does not include Swinging or partners outside their family environment.  
 

Developing a loving, connected, emotional relationship in monogamy is challenging enough.  Sharing, growing together establishing a life together and goals the give and take in relationship for two compounds greatly when three….four….five or more are attempted.  Certainly doable.  Certainly can be very loving, supportive etc as with any monogamous relationship and like that relationship has to be equal across the three….four or more.  
 

In our experience we have both had relationships that developed with another but in the end did not become a forever relationship do to individual needs. With our additional developing female relationships one younger wanted children that I/we could not provide.  Later an older relationship after two years, very close and loving…family health issues took her out of state for those family obligations.  With the male relationship all was growing well and looking like a living arrangement in the near future……and circumstances beyond our control and his brought to a very sad and abrupt stop…..a sad loss.

 

Communication and open sharing (not sexual) is a must and constant checking in with each other, sharing thoughts and concerns, needs, desires…..and the big issue, time.  How to share time, time with, emotional and support time.  And another big hurtle……..open.  Being out as a thruple or quad etc.  Because hiding it is the first step to distraction.

 

we know personally several expanded living relationships that involve multiples.  More that were called poly….but in reality only extended sex partner based that never really grew….or had a chance to.  Number of “family members” the gender mix never really factored in.  Nor did sexual interests/identity.  What did work was the communication, emotional mix, commitment and willingness to give to each other what is needed at the moment.  Again, not talking about sex.

 

It is our belief that many “poly” relationships seem to all revolve around a third for sex.  Not a committed poly relationship.  As such someone is bound to be hurt, not get what they really need from a relationship…..devotion, emotional support and growth.  A true three or more way relationship.  And again not talking about sex.  That is totally sepperate.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

The following is from a VERY limited exposure to Poly relationships, from the outside looking in.  Much of the dynamics revolving around a standard issue marriage and a Poly family, as far as power relationships, seem to run the same  in terms of range. This is somewhere between  total control by one to total immersion of those involved.

An mundane example would be a new car was purchased . Did it just show up in the driveway or was it a consensus decision.

OR

If my wife or I take a lover, is it a mutual decision or announced as a fiat accompli.

 

It sounds to me, from your description, that your particular poly pairing  is not in the consensus mode. The term you used "collective" keeps waving a little flag.

 

Way back in the days , when my generation "invented sexual freedom", we sometimes used that term describing a commune. They too often had sexual mobility between the members. Decision matters where handled in any number of different ways. The word family was not often used. 

 

( In ours , new members were introduced  to the group as a a friend. After some period of vetting , someone would suggest that they be included, consensus carried the day. In one I visited in Arizona, group reception was welcomed , but the power of inclusion rested in the hands of one person.)

 

"Poly" gets thrown around fairly casually, almost to the point of being meaningless as a specific type.

Collective might be an accurate term for you.  The collection might be continuing ,based of their needs not yours as an equal.

 

Originally did the terms of engagement  give you an equal input into their personal relationship or were you an elevated FWB who lived with them as a guest in their opening marriage?

 

How would it be received if you decided to take a lover, without asking and getting a green light?

 

I really hope couplers pipes up on this thread.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

While the word "polyamorous" was used by you, it sounds like what you might have actually been in was a closed monogamous swinging relationship (swinging within a closed group). Polyamorous  (at least to us) by definition involves 'many loves' (while there might be a principle couple, all involved are truly involved and decisions are a group choice with love and respect for all opinions)...what you have described doesn't sound like the love extended outside of the principle couple. They were swinging within a small group and now they have decided to open that group up further to more people. That leaves you with only one choice: stay or leave the group.

 

We too are waiting on Couplers to chime in here...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
19 hours ago, lcmim said:

Before generalising on this

An excellent, succinct post.  You covered it all in four points. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Always helpful having your unique insight couplers, especially on matters such as this. Thank you for being part of our larger "family" here on the board. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...