Not Interested in a Contact

[BillyandDebbie 293]

How do you handle telling someone on a swinger site that you aren’t interested? Do you just not answer if someone contacts you and something in their profile doesn’t match your wants? What about if there is no physical attraction? Are we wrong not giving someone a reason we aren’t interested? 
Today so many people meet on dating apps, swiping left or right based on first impressions. I’m thinking that physical attraction is that first impression. Not sure how it works and if you are swiped that that person is interested do you have to swipe back? Now on SLS or Swingtown or Kadidie, I know we can contact a member and wait for a response or respond to a request. Do you always answer? I just figure if we don’t get a response there was no interest. I would hate to respond You’re not Our Type. 
For us, I am more interested in the appearance of the male, I think I know what Debbie likes. We do look at profiles together and Debbie is more critical than me and I certainly want her to make the ultimate choice. Also do you normally checkout the Private pictures and do those risqué pictures affect your choices? 

[njbm 2,735]

If we don’t like the other couple, we do respond and we say “We’re not a match.” We find that this is the least hurtful answer. 

We have received many answers in which the husband says he will do my wife, but his wife is not interested in playing with our husband.  We find that answer insulting. Our profile says we are looking for a couples swap, not a single guy.

 

We meet for a vanilla dinner or drinks on the first meeting. No awkward pressure to play.  We don’t mind dinner or drinks with any civil couple, so we are not too harsh about judging appearances. Some people who squeaked through on the pictures turned out to be totally charming and sexual dynamos. Give people a chance. 

[Fundamental Law 2,832]

Simple. "No thank you, and we wish you the best of luck on your journey. "  You should *never* give a reason. You should *never* feel an obligation to give a reason. "No means no."

 

[Fundamental Law 2,832]

Just now, njbm said:

 

 

We meet for a vanilla dinner or drinks on the first meeting. No awkward pressure to play.  We don’t mind dinner or drinks with any civil couple, so we are not too harsh about judging appearances. 

A side benefit of COVID: first Zoom meets are convenient. 

[cplnluv1 814]

I agree, “no thank you” is the best. Most will take that as you aren’t interested while others will press you. Either you can ignore or just repeat the No answer. I think we all have first impressions based on looks which dismisses some great possibilities. The first is the hardest decision to make, it’s even harder if you are not comfortable on any level. You will soon see that you may have missed meeting fun couples. 
Zoom meets are convenient not always the best way to see if you match. Most times you are going to meet those with more experiences, they should be aware you are just starting out. An innocent meeting, drinks or dinner will let you see if you are comfortable with people. We almost insist that a first meeting is just that, a first get to know meeting. 
We still say No to invitations we aren’t comfortable with, a sixth sense, looks have become less of a qualifier as we went further into the LS. We have met great people that we most likely would have passed on at the onset. Good luck in your search. Maybe you will post how things progress. 

[BillyandDebbie 293]

Debbie spent this afternoon looking at profiles and answering messages we received. Debbie is more critical and crosses off the ones she would never meet. I think she exchanged pictures with one woman but she received a crotch picture she stopped writing. She set a standard, nudes were fine, crotch shots not. She made contact with someone else and asked me what I thought. I thought from the profile they were nice. I suggested the Zoom as Fundamental Law suggested and Debbie set up the video conference for 7:00. To make sure they were real Debbie and the other woman had a cell call before I came home. 
Our 7:00 call lasted almost 2 hours and we talked about so many things and we had plenty in common. They have met 2 others online and have met one of them a few times. I enjoyed listening to the ladies talk, they were much more sexual in the chat. The video chat is a little hard to see, they really did look like the pictures we saw. We left the call with a meeting set up at a restaurant we both knew. I think we both understood that if things went well we would advance to what everyone was looking for. 
That Zoom recommendation was great. If they were fakes it would never happen. Now we wait to see if they show up. I reminded Debbie they were sizing us up too as much as we were of them. Do you ever wonder what the others are saying about you after meeting?  

[cplnluv1 814]

Love that you are doing all the smart things from phone, Zoom to having the women make the plans. The caution flag goes up when only the male is responding. 
If you are reading this before you meet I bet you are having a crazy feeling right now. Meeting new people has become my big pleasure and excitement. A little hint for you is to make up a phrase you or your wife can say that means Let’s Go Home. Go with your gut, better to skip further activity and not regret something later on. Not to be a downer you will learn not every meet goes perfectly. Good Luck 🍀 

[njbm 2,735]

We have two physical signal. One means I would do them, one means I would not. We each give our signal to the other spouse. Probably not obvious to the other couple. 
 

Did you ever have an evening go well, four experienced swingers, totally expect to play, other couple abruptly goes home and nothing happens? Weird one. 

[fauthly 1]

Thanks for the posts here. My better half and I are talking about possibly swinging again, it helps to get your perspective of what works and what fails.

[BillyandDebbie 293]

Didn’t think I would be posting this early after meeting our first  contact from a swing site. I thought we did everything prior to the meeting that would lead to a new friendship and more. I even wore new underwear. 
Phone calls, Zooms, wives talking, everything set for a great night. Met at a restaurant we both knew making for a neutral place. We had no problem finding them, we had just Zoomed and knew what they look liked. We spent hours talking, what could go wrong? Debbie gave me the preplanned signal of Let’s go home. What I didn’t plan was an excuse to leave without having sex. I knew the expectation was there, no guarantee made. After a nice dinner we said we would hope to meet again for more. I could tell they wanted more, they invited us back to their home. Quick thinking I reminded them we are new to this and want to digest things, a true statement. I didn’t know what Debbie was thinking or signal giving. We said good night and left without any negative vibes. 
I was not sure what happened that turned Debbie off, they were nice. She wasn’t specific, she said she just didn’t want to go further. I didn’t push for more reasons. 
Too bad SNL was a repeat. 

[cplnluv1 814]

6 hours ago, BillyandDebbie said:

I was not sure what happened that turned Debbie off, they were nice. She wasn’t specific, she said she just didn’t want to go further. I didn’t push for more reasons.

You sound like you have your thoughts in order and are working together with like minds. One of you wasn’t ready and it wasn’t questioned. The other couple might be asking why you went home. You are asking too after just the signal you got. You will both know when moon and stars align. 

[Roliin75 53]

This is why swing clubs are my favorite place to meet other swingers.  Neutral territory, if you have interest in another couple you try to connect.  If not, you can walk away.  No excuses needed.

[njbm 2,735]

43 minutes ago, Roliin75 said:

This is why swing clubs are my favorite place to meet other swingers.  Neutral territory, if you have interest in another couple you try to connect.  If not, you can walk away.  No excuses needed.

Yes, most of the people there mean business and want to play. If a couple says no, you have many other candidates to choose from. 

[AndrewandAnn 359]

We haven't had a subscription to a swinger's site in quite a while. We did have a lifetime membership to SLS, but decided to cancel it because of all the time wasters and phony profiles. Anyway...

 

How do you tell someone you're not interested? There are two ways. One is polite. The other is less so.

 

When Ann and I would be contacted by a couple in whom were were not interested, we would simply reply, "Thank you for your interest in us. After reviewing your profile, we don't feel we are a good fit. We wish you the best of luck. We're sure you'll find the right couple soon." Or, words to that effect.

 

You don't owe them an explanation, and seasoned swingers have no expectation of one. However, if they persist with more questions or pleas for you to reconsider, block them, and go on with your life.

 

The less polite way is to simply ignore the contact, something we did on occasions when we felt the contact was crude, overtly sexual, and so on. That kind of behavior resulted in an automatic block. Singles were ignored and blocked since our profile was listed as couples-only.

 

The bottom line: To us, on-line swinger matchmaking was a numbers game. If anything didn't match, we passed. We were only interested in meeting the right couples, never the most couples. Quality, not quantity. That policy has served us well over the years.

 

Good luck to you.