First time nerves

[Queenb87 1]

So husband and I have talked about swinging and went to a club last month. We observed, talked with some couples, and just generally enjoyed ourselves. We went back the next weekend but still just observed but these weekends lead us to a deep conversation. We laid out what we want and set our rules and overall agreement. 

Since I mostly top him, he wants a sub to top. We have a friend who we have spoken with and has come to an agreement with us. It was mainly just going to be him topping her but she wants me involved also as her "queen bee". I want to play around a little, so I get to play at the club with males. 

 

Here lies my problem: I suffer from extreme anxiety issues. No matter how excited or looking forward to something I am, I always want to run when the time comes. The closer we get to this upcoming weekend where us and our "kitten" are going to the club and staying at a hotel, I am getting more and more nervous. Even though I am consider myself bi, I have been with a woman. And even though a man at the club has shown interest in me, I just don't know how I am going to be able to get past my anxiety to go to a room with him. My husband has even said he will approach this man about me. 

How did you get past first time nerves/anxiety??

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,136]

I think i'm a lot like you @Queenb87.  I remember being so nervous the first few times i swore the other couple could hear my heart beating out of my chest.  But the more you do this the easier it gets - it may just take a while til you're relaxed enough to really enjoy yourself.

I will say this: most clubs are BYOB so bring your favorite alcoholic beverage and have a drink or two before getting started.  As much as I hate to condone alcohol as a coping mechanism, I really think it helps relax you and remove some of those inhibitions ?

Edited December 29, 2020 by hunterdonNJcpl

[njbm 2,731]

One or two drinks takes the edge off, I agree.
 

If the club seems overwhelming, can you host one or two people at your home or at a hotel room? May seem more intimate, less activity than in a club. I personally prefer the home/hotel/ ship cabin to the hustle and bustle of clubs and playrooms. 

[Lionheart72 2,186]

OK, my advice is set the swinging/sex idea aside for a moment. You say you have anxiety issues. Think about how you usually deal with those?

 

Just think about it in terms of going out to a new place, with new people. Think about your standard coping mechanisms. Turn to  them and apply them here.

 

Now, once you've thought of those, we can open up the idea of sex. The idea of sex is, I'm sure, adding to the anxiety. So I guess my advice here is, give yourself permission to NOT have sex. You don't have to. You've already gone to the club a couple of times, not had sex and had a good time. Do that again. If, while you are there, you and your partners all feel that the mood is right for sex, go for it. If any of you... especially yourself... don't feel it's right, don't do it. If you started, and it feels wrong, stop. Just say "I'm not feeling this" or "I'm sorry, I don't want to continue right now" and step away. That is OK. It is always OK. 

 

The key here is don't put pressure on yourself to go and have sex. Go and have fun. If that fun involves crazy acts of naked passion, great. If it involves sitting around chatting with your partner, great. Whatever works for you on the night.

[njbm 2,731]

One additional thought. Do you have a prescription for anti anxiety medication? Would you like to speak to a doctor about it? Your call. You don’t have to mention swinging. 
 

I disclosed our lifestyle to one medical professional. She was very supportive of it and non-plussed. 

[couplers 4,180]

On 12/29/2020 at 5:08 PM, Lionheart72 said:

my advice here is, give yourself permission to NOT have sex.

This whole post just makes too much sense, not only for this specific situation but in general.  Thanks.  ?

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by couplers

[Numex 2,188]

On 12/29/2020 at 3:26 PM, Queenb87 said:

So husband and I have talked about swinging and went to a club last month. .. 

How did you get past first time nerves/anxiety??

Perhaps you need to think of different approaches to start instead of a club.  My wife and I began by her getting back (separately) with two ex-boyfriends.  It started as a foreplay fantasy where she told me who she enjoyed as sex partners, so I said to go for it.  First time they had dinner together, second time we three had dinner to make clear I was good with it, third time they did it.  Eventually we MFMed with both and have moved on to couple's swaps.

 

I/we have never been to a club, but I can understand how it could be a bit overwhelming. 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Numex

[AndrewandAnn 359]

On 12/29/2020 at 7:08 PM, Lionheart72 said:

OK, my advice is set the swinging/sex idea aside for a moment. You say you have anxiety issues. Think about how you usually deal with those?

 

Just think about it in terms of going out to a new place, with new people. Think about your standard coping mechanisms. Turn to  them and apply them here.

 

Now, once you've thought of those, we can open up the idea of sex. The idea of sex is, I'm sure, adding to the anxiety. So I guess my advice here is, give yourself permission to NOT have sex. You don't have to. You've already gone to the club a couple of times, not had sex and had a good time. Do that again. If, while you are there, you and your partners all feel that the mood is right for sex, go for it. If any of you... especially yourself... don't feel it's right, don't do it. If you started, and it feels wrong, stop. Just say "I'm not feeling this" or "I'm sorry, I don't want to continue right now" and step away. That is OK. It is always OK. 

 

The key here is don't put pressure on yourself to go and have sex. Go and have fun. If that fun involves crazy acts of naked passion, great. If it involves sitting around chatting with your partner, great. Whatever works for you on the night.

"Give yourself permission to NOT have sex." Superb advice, and not just for novices.

 

To say it in a different way: Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you are feeling in the moment, without expectations or value judgements.

 

In fact, this notion is the very foundation of our "lifestyle" activities. We try (usually successfully) to avoid embarking on new relationships while carrying the baggage of high expectations. Over time, we learned that setting out with big expectations only set us up for disappointments--either in ourselves or in a prospective lifestyle partners.

 

Our singular goal is to have fun--in whatever form that takes. If the "fun" is just meeting interesting and enjoyable people with no physical attraction between us? Great. That's still a "win" to us. 

 

On the other hand, if we determine we are mutually physically attracted, we simply let things naturally progress--and without any kind of time limit. We may take several more get togethers before we're feeling ready for any sexual activities. And we always start out SLOWLY. Usually, we will begin with some same room sex, then move on from there.

 

Also, we've found that having a comfortable and relaxed environment promotes better outcomes. For that reason, we like to entertain at home or in spaces and locations with which we are very familiar. 

 

Anyway, this is what works for us ? Your mileage may vary.

 

Stay in touch.