Why not have sex on the first date?

[adamgunn 1,460]

I’m a bit curious as to why some people will not have sex on the first date?

 

Let’s assume you are meeting another couple or a single for a get-to-know-you-drink. Both of you are attracted to the other(s). You just know that you so want to have that second date so you can get naked and play.

 

In that situation, why wouldn’t you just go ahead and play on the first date?

[Alura 2,773]

I can't think of any reason to not have sex on a first date, Adam. The late Mrs. Alura and I did on our first date and, later, on some swinging dates.

 

When I was a teen, Miss Skilly taught us not to kiss on the first date. Many of us ignored that lesson, too.

[Guest]

We normally do.

[2NoLimit 95]

We actually have that in our profile. To be honest we have discussed this, and the main reason we have it is to eliminate expectations from another couple (mainly the sport swingers) It also makes us feel less pressure when going on a 1st date (For both couples). We also know that if we really hit it off, and if it so happens naturally then we are ok with playing on a 1st date.

 

Wouldn't you feel more comfortable going on a first date knowing that it's a no pressure couple? We do.

[njbm 2,863]

Less pressure. It can be difficult to perform with someone you just met. I like to like the person that I am having sex with. We can explore that at our first meeting. Also, my wife may notice something alarming about the other couple, but she can't say it in front of them.

 

We won't rule out first meeting play, but we'd rather meet, talk among ourselves privately and anticipate a future play session.

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

can't say it in front of them... we'd rather meet, talk among ourselves privately and anticipate a future play session.

 

This is right on the money. We've had too many of those moments where we're reaching the end of a first date and someone says, "so, do you want to play?" I mean, I know whether *I* want to but, short of both of us disappearing to the bathroom to talk about it, I've got no idea what she's thinking. It seems a bit rude to have that conversation right in front of the other couple.

 

"Well, what do you think hun?"

"I like her/him well enough, but (s)he's just a little too [reason for being disinterested] for my taste."

"Hmm, yeah. I guess I can see that. Huh. They look a little offended. Do you think they can hear us?"

"Well they are sitting right there, so..."

 

[padoc 1,701]

Swinging is our hobby, NOT our lifestyle. We enjoy recreational sex yet feel absolutely no obligation to play with a couple just because we've met them for drinks. On the other hand, if we meet a couple and there is a mutual attraction, we don't see any point in NOT playing. WTF, if we wait a week or a month till the stars align again and we all find another time and place to meet, will we/they be better looking? younger? thinner? Not likely! In our experience, there is absolutely no point in NOT acting on initial attraction. We're not looking for a lifetime relationship, we're looking for erotic fun and if it presents itself on the first meeting, why waste an opportunity?

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Agree. If things are good, do it!

[njbm 2,863]

Two schools of thought!

[adamgunn 1,460]

Okay, it seems to me that all the responses here are of the "Yeah, we say no sex on first date, but we might do it if everybody is okay with that." I was looking for a response from someone who is adamant that they wouldn't, no matter what. Thanks for your input though!

 

As far as not knowing what the other one is thinking, my GF and I have clues we can say without anyone knowing what we're talking about.

 

Case 1: One of us likes the situation, and wants to know if the other does.

Me: You know, I really liked that bottle of Merlot the other night.

(In fact, neither of us likes Merlot. So the mention of it alerts her that I'm interested.)

Her (If she agrees that it's on.): Yeah, that was great, we should get another bottle.

Her (If she doesn't want to take it further that night): I don't know, I thought it was a little bland.

That is, agreement about Merlot is agreement, disagreement is let's-think-about-it.

And, of course, she could start the conversation as well as I could.

 

Case 2: Absolutely nothing is going to happen.

Either of us: Hey, we haven't been to the zoo in quite some time.

Neither of us is wild about the zoo, any mention of it is a wave-off.

 

You can pick your subjects based upon your own lives and desires. It's just got to be something that wouldn't normally come up in conversation.

[Alura 2,773]

You can pick your subjects based upon your own lives and desires. It's just got to be something that wouldn't normally come up in conversation.

 

"How 'bout that bull rider at the Rodeo in Tahelquah, Sweetheart?" ["I think these folks would be exciting rides. Wanna fuck 'em?"]

 

"That cowboy really stayed with the bull, buck for buck, Darling! It was exciting!" [Yes, let's.]

 

or

 

"The ones who couldn't stay on for eight seconds, Darling?" [Let's not.]

[njbm 2,863]

We have a non-verbal signal that we give to each other to say whether we are interested or not. It doesn't mean we are going to play that night, but if one of us is not interested, the other one knows where this is going. Incidentally, we agree most of the time.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

It really has to do with personality types, doesn't it? Some people are impulsive, others are reflective. Same is true for couples. No value judgement either way. Our approach is that the first meeting is in a public place with zero expectations except the opportunity to get to know the other couple and a pleasant meal. The absence of expectations is key--it relaxes the agenda and allows everyone to walk away at the end of a meal.

 

Here then is the question: you've finished the main course, the conversation is lively and fun, and it's 8 pm on a Saturday night. The other couple says "We live a couple of miles away. Would you like to come back to our place for coffee and dessert?"

 

Is that a bid to continue the conversation because everyone seems to be having a good time, or to play?

[2NoLimit 95]

Here then is the question: you've finished the main course, the conversation is lively and fun, and it's 8 pm on a Saturday night. The other couple says "We live a couple of miles away. Would you like to come back to our place for coffee and dessert?"

 

Is that a bid to continue the conversation because everyone seems to be having a good time, or to play?

 

At that point we would take it as both. But we still wouldn't feel pressure to play, and we are getting along, so we would probably go (that to us is a natural flow)

 

Now if they would phrase that same question to "do you want to play" We would decline as now there is some pressure and expectations.

 

Funny how the way a couple brings it up can change the outcome of a date.

[asncpl 728]

I can think of one reason why someone don't play on first date even if they hit it off: kids. We have met playmates who could get out for a couple of hours to meet over coffee, but they would need to arrange for a babysitter if they want to stay out and play. Not sure if this is a situation that fits the question, since it's not a question of "wouldn't" but rather a circumstance of "couldn't".

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

My wife and I often do. But that is owing only to the fact that we'd had twelve years of experience in meeting prospective play mates. We have developed something like ESP and seldom any longer need to go home and discuss the whole business.

 

Play on the first date is difficult for beginners. I would, in fact, not recommend it to beginners.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Since we are usually looking for FWB, we want to make sure that we start out with the friends part first and the benefits come a little later. Even the first meeting can go really well only to find out later that there are deal breakers (they are also members of the Nazi party or KKK or believe in cannibalism). While we would never totally rule out playing on the first date, it would really have to be something special happening between everyone. What we want to be very careful about is that one of us ends up 'taking one for the team'. Once 'play' is brought up and put on the table, it can be more difficult of someone who is borderline about the other couple to say they are not interested/ready yet. We also think (as others have already said) that it's important to not have that pressure on anyone and have the opportunity for us to talk together outside of the other couple.

 

We also have a signal for 'not going to happen/lets think about leaving'. Why spend the entire night if one of us has already decided this is never going to happen.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

At that point we would take it as both. But we still wouldn't feel pressure to play, and we are getting along, so we would probably go (that to us is a natural flow)

 

Now if they would phrase that same question to "do you want to play" We would decline as now there is some pressure and expectations.

 

Funny how the way a couple brings it up can change the outcome of a date.

 

Your response mirrors ours. It's a restaurant, it's early on a Saturday evening, management wants the table back, and going somewhere to continue the conversation makes sense.

 

Keeping options open matters. So here's how we would do it. Sure, head to their place ... or to ours.

 

Choice 1: Travel arrangements: The invitees either need time to talk among themselves, "Can we have your address so we can plug it into the GPS?"; or perhaps the ladies want some time to chat " Alex, why don't you take Bob in our car and Betty, why don't you ride with me? That way, someone in each car knows where we're going."

 

Choice 2: When we get there: "Would you like dessert in the living room? On the patio? In the hot tub?"

 

And so on. Keeping options open eliminates pressure and keeps everyone comfortable.

[njbm 2,863]

We generally expect that when a couple asks us back to their place, they want to do us. It is more difficult to escape the spider's web if you are in their house. So if we do not want to go forward, we won't continue the evening.

[vaitape 35]

We don't get out too often, but when we do, we prefer to play on the first date. Between work, work travel, kids, and life, trying to get together twice with someone you know you want to get busy with just doesn't seem a good use of time.

 

We are up front in our profile that we don't date. We also communicate in 'making plans' emails that while we don't expect anyone to play that isn't comfortable, if the meeting is just to 'plan for later', we aren't interested.

 

Everyone has their own reasons and no disrespect intended. It's just not us.

[Markjorge1 59]

I can't imagine not playing on the first date if both my wife and I were attracted to the other couple. The reason we are going to the clubs is the excitement and fun of having sex with each other and playing with other couples. If you are lucky enough to meet a couple you connect then play. Life is too short to waste time.

[yorktownvaguy 76]

As a single male, I have been invited on the first date. During the meeting (at a restaurant) I generally excuse myself to go to the bathroom, whether I need to go or not. This gives the couple time to talk things over, and more than once, on my return I will be asked to join them at their home for desert and a night cap ... if you get the drift.

[PeterJ 932]

As a single male, I have been invited on the first date. During the meeting (at a restaurant) I generally excuse myself to go to the bathroom, whether I need to go or not. This gives the couple time to talk things over, and more than once, on my return I will be asked to join them at their home for desert and a night cap ... if you get the drift.

 

I pretty much do the same thing, but when I excuse myself to go to the restroom, I suggest while I'm gone they may wish to speak together about what, if anything, they would like to do next.

 

Sometimes, what they wish to do next is settle the bill and go our separate ways. Other times it's settle the bill and go someplace private together.

[3waypleasure 58]

Our best swinging experiences have been meet for drinks, if everyone likes each other then invite them back to our house. Naked in bed within a couple hours of meeting. Me and my wife never need to step away and discuss if we want to play. We know what the other is thinking.

 

We don't care about what you do for work, about your kids, and definitely don't want to listen to you brag about yourself, your travels, or how much money you make. We like to talk about swing experiences and what turns you on. If we are on the same page, lets have some hot sex. We are not looking for long term friends, just hot sex with a hot couple.

 

If we spend too much time talking to a couple, eventually we will pick out things we don't like. Many times we have felt there was a lot of initial attraction, but as the night goes on it fades. You find they talk bad about other couples you know, or say something about politics that makes them very unattractive. Then we just wasted 2 hours on a couple we don't want to play with. Many times the more we know someone, the less attractive they become.

 

If the initial attraction is there, we try to strike while it is hot.

[Wornsilver 219]

If we spend too much time talking to a couple, eventually we will pick out things we don't like. Many times we have felt there was a lot of initial attraction, but as the night goes on it fades. You find they talk bad about other couples you know, or say something about politics that makes them very unattractive. Then we just wasted 2 hours on a couple we don't want to play with. Many times the more we know someone, the less attractive they become.

 

I certainly can't disagree with your statement, there are just going to be people, vanilla or lifestyle, who do not appeal to us. Still, your comment made me sad. Perhaps I just don't want to admit to my shallow side.

[padoc 1,701]

There have been a few nights when, after we beat a hasty retreat due to a total lack of "doability)Mrs Doc says to me, "I shaved for this"?? Our selection process has improved markedly over the years so I hear that a lot less now. This is recreational sex which is in large part predicated on sexual attraction. If it's not there, we cut our losses if it is, why put off the recreation.

[3waypleasure 58]

There have been a few nights when, after we beat a hasty retreat due to a total lack of "doability)Mrs Doc says to me, "I shaved for this"?? Our selection process has improved markedly over the years so I hear that a lot less now. This is recreational sex which is in large part predicated on sexual attraction. If it's not there, we cut our losses if it is, why put off the recreation.

 

We try to vet people well, but still run into some strange ones. We spent several hours (dinner and drinks) with a "full swap" couple, when we asked if they were interested in playing they said sure. They came back to our house. We were making out with each others spouses and got undressed and on the bed. Then the guy announces that his wife only plays with other females, and I was to just sit and watch them have an FMF with my wife.

 

I was a bit angry said no way, so they got dressed and left. On their way out, he said that you would be surprised how many couples go along with it. Why do people do such things?!?

[adamgunn 1,460]

3Way, I don't know. That was just plain rude, and you were right to throw their asses out.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think a lot of people put in their profiles that they don't have sex on the first date to cut down on people expecting it to happen. That way if things work out and they want to, they can and all is good... but it's a whole lot easier to just say goodbye, maybe we'll see you later and end the night and move on when there's no expectation. Most people are NOT good at blatantly stating "hey guys, nice to meet you but there's no interest here."

 

And for others, in a couples situation, it may give them more ease to be able to go home and talk about it more rather than to try to communicate non-verbally that they are/not into the couple before their partner commits them to something they aren't totally into.

[Fi86 78]

I've no idea, I usually do.

[Numex 2,386]

Mrs Doc says to me, "I shaved for this"??

 

My wife and I wouldn't expect you to shave anywhere just for us, even if we did play. Other than taking a shower, come as you are.

[SAMnTINA 362]

Never had a problem with sex on the first date, after all we are not here to find bridge partners. Fact is we have even met couples visiting from out of town at theri hotel rom had sex then gone to dinner. Some times it's good some times it's great and some time it's just a funny story you get to tell.

[mammothBBC 16]

From a time investment standpoint, I'm not going to meet someone and not have sex. They could be horrible at sex, and I need to find that out sooner than later. I almost always have sex the first meet and then if the sex is good and I want to see them again, I might look into doing vanilla stuff like drinks or dinner. Sex then hanging out in that order