Guest luvin eye full Posted December 16, 2016 Am I the only one that thinks many of the “swingers” on here are disrespectful to their SO? I mean my wife is the love of my life, not outsiders. If something was wrong with her, even if she could not say or needed time to explain it (the why’s and therefore’s). I would stop heaven and hell so not to hurt her - I know what she expects from me and she knows what I expect from her and we both know what our marriage and many years together mean to us. But as I look around I see posts where the wife/husband think it’s fine to basically ignore their SO's feelings even though they know it will hurt them in the pursuit of their own lust over a play partner. Then the SO posts here and seems to make excuses for the behavior, and it's obvious that they are hurting. Some go out and do things to improve themselves and the SO is left to see or play with this new thing after some play partner has. Does anyone here think it’s disrespectful? I once stopped a 3some because I could see the husband was not into it like the wife. I took him aside and asked what the problem was, he said that he wanted to fulfill her fantasy but was not in a good way about it. I said to her that your husband is not feeling good about it. At that point she said "he’ll get over it" and ensued to continue. Sorry not with me. I got dressed and left thinking what the hell was that? Don’t get me wrong, I know husbands can be the same way. But if your SO will be hurt and you know it, why the hell do it? Or am I just getting old and that’s the way it is now. Play partners 1st, then deal with the mess later or not at all? Because you know your SO will have to get over it or lose you? Anyway, maybe it’s just different thought patterns. Regards Quote Share this post Link to post
njbm 2,731 Posted December 16, 2016 We have run into many couples that are respectful of their spouses and thrilled to see them happy. We see very together couples who communicate well with each other and ultimately us. We have seen train wreck couples and we run the other way. But the majority of couples we have met appear to be very respectful of each other, their relationship and us. More so than vanilla couples who have never had to tackle the challenges of the lifestyle. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Lionheart72 2,186 Posted December 16, 2016 Am I the only one that thinks many of the “swingers” on here are disrespectful to their SO? Yes. I think it's a matter of which forums you're reading. Most of the people who start threads in the Situational Help or Curious About Swinging forums (two of the most active) are either new or are asking questions about problem situations - because that's the nature of those forums. Since we only see a slice of their experience, usually during a problem or when blundering around in the dark, we aren't necessarily seeing posters at their best. This doesn't mean they are always like that, or even often like that. It just means that they're posting asking the rest of us to help them, most often because they find themselves in a place where there is trouble with their SO. 4 Quote Share this post Link to post
Guest luvin eye full Posted December 16, 2016 Yes you guys are right of course - I think I have just read too many lately. Regards Quote Share this post Link to post
GuyInMD79 1,500 Posted December 16, 2016 I do not think that there are a lot of people her who advocate being disrespectful of their spouses. I actually like to think that SwingersBoard is a place that helps people to understand that it's not all about their own selfish pleasure, that couples are in the lifestyle together, and that communication, respect, and love are at the heart of a successful lifestyle adventure for a couple. Like Lionheart72, I fear that your impression may be skewed by seeing the posts specifically in forums where people come to discuss problems they're having. I think one refrain you may hear in those forums is that there is great value in trying to do the right thing by your SO. We should, of course, make every effort to avoid hurting each other, and toward being respectful and sensitive to each other. And I think you will read of people advocating this approach over and over throughout the forums. But another point you may see made from time to time is that we must, as fallible human beings, admit that sometimes mistakes do happen. Often, they are not intentional, premeditated breaches on the part of the offending spouse; rather, they are the result of the basic biological fact that a person's rational thought process is often not working at peak efficiency when they're in the throes of sexual arousal. This is not an excuse for ill-advised behavior, nor is it an endorsement of it. It is simply an acknowledgment that it happens sometimes, despite our best efforts to prevent it. Speaking for myself, I encourage people facing this situation to consider whether they have a good reason to trust in the basic goodness of their spouse, talk it over, explain the hurt feelings, understand the thinking of the offending partner, come to a mutual understanding of what happened, how things went wrong, and how to avoid a repeat-performance of the problem. I hope you can see that this is not in any way advocating for people to be disrespectful or hurtful. It is an attempt to help people to recover in a healthy way from a bad incident. 5 Quote Share this post Link to post
PeterJ 834 Posted December 16, 2016 But another point you may see made from time to time is that we must, as fallible human beings, admit that sometimes mistakes do happen. Often, they are not intentional, premeditated breaches on the part of the offending spouse; rather, they are the result of the basic biological fact that a person's rational thought process is often not working at peak efficiency when they're in the throes of sexual arousal. I believe this is a very important point. While some people are able to keep at least a big part of their consciousness while in the middle of an intense sexual act, I've observed that some of my partners have been so engaged in the sex that they have clearly taken complete leave of their rational selves. (e.g. Declarations of love for a casual partner, chanted Anglo-saxonisms from a partner or requests for them from a partner not otherwise given to salty language, earnest-sounding requests to make them pregnant when that's the last thing they wish when they aren't being fucked.) If your partner is that way, it's probably important to understand that it's just the sex talking. Or make a point of not being present when they are with another partner. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
Guest luvin eye full Posted December 16, 2016 I agree with what every one is saying, I really do. My point is, it seems to me anyway, that these problem ( or many of them ) could be avoided and plenty of fun had if they just respected their SO. I mean LTR's will always have ups and downs but this kind of thing goes deeper. I don't see how you are caring in your LTR but forget your partners worth, value, feelings and risk it for a bit of ass. What's more, once they have done this it's 'oh it was a mistake'. But I think I will be expanding my thread viewing from now on to get a more even outlook. I also know many couples that are very respectful and i know they do value each other. But i was not talking about those yet. I should keep that in mind also lol. I think the main problem with the way I see things is that when you know it will hurt your SO if that make any sense. Thanks for the replies. Regards Quote Share this post Link to post
Lionheart72 2,186 Posted December 16, 2016 My point is that it seems to me any way that these problem ( or many of them ) could be avoided and plenty of fun had if they just respected their SO, Honestly, I think most of the problems in the world could be avoided if we just treated each other with respect. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be something humans are naturally good at. i don't see how you are caring in your LR but forget your partners worth,value feelings and risk you LR married or not, for a bit of ass. whats more once they have done this it's oh it was a mistake. really - don't get me wrong if it does happen and they can work it out then great I'm happy for them - really - You obviously haven't experienced it yourself... yet. I think a big culprit here is what's referred to as "new relationship energy" ... an actual biological high which occurs when the human animal engages in sexual activity with a new partner. Hormones which are actually designed to override your good sense in order to pursue an opportunity to propagate your genetic material. In short, sex... especially really great sex with a new partner... can literally make people stupid. So, yeah, mistakes do happen. Even the best people do do things that, were they in their right minds, they would know are incredibly dumb. The measure of a strong relationship, like any other venture, is not how you handle it when everything is going well. The measure of a strong relationship is how you handle it when everything goes completely and utterly to shit. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
M1F2KTJ 470 Posted December 17, 2016 I wanted my wife to experience other men BECAUSE I loved her. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
Guest luvin eye full Posted December 17, 2016 Thanks guys, I think what makes it hard is that sure if you screw some thing up, is that you take ownership of that and then work out what went "wrong". Then as a team go forward, but that's not what I have seem here. What I see is no one owns the problem. Like if i screwed some chick while out at a club after my wife had said no girls while I'm not there, then I would own the fault. Now I can say it was the hormones, but she still is going to kick my ass. lol I would much rather say yes I did it for what ever reason, and then we can work it out. Yet what I see here is yes it happened but it's not my fault because...(fill in the Blank) Anyway I'm sounding like some old fart now lol. In all honesty I'm not trying to judge but more trying to understand. But I make no apologies for thinking that however a couple decides how to have fun, they are still the primary team. Regards Quote Share this post Link to post
Guest luvin eye full Posted December 17, 2016 I wanted my wife to experience other men BECAUSE I loved her. That's great. I'm not saying you should not. I think you may have gotten the wrong idea of what I was saying. Probably my way of expressing my thoughts. Quote Share this post Link to post
Lionheart72 2,186 Posted December 17, 2016 I would much rather say yes i did it for what ever reason and then if we can work it out. yet what i see here is yer it happened but it's not my fault because...(fill in the Blank ) Really? I don't see much of that, except occasionally among people being defensive. Generally speaking, in my experience, when it does happen people get called out on that kind of behavior though many of us try to call them out in a "helpful" way... "you should examine you actions and be honest with your SO" rather than "you are cheating scum, burn in Hell and die." I think, if you're looking for the second (and I'm not saying you are), you are in the wrong place. Again, in my experience, the old stalwarts of this forum try to promote a positive, supportive and respectful attitude. Quote Share this post Link to post
Guest luvin eye full Posted December 17, 2016 Really? I don't see much of that, except occasionally among people being defensive. Generally speaking, in my experience, when it does happen people get called out on that kind of behavior though many of us try to call them out in a "helpful" way... "you should examine you actions and be honest with your SO" rather than "you are cheating scum, burn in Hell and die." I think, if you're looking for the second (and I'm not saying you are), you are in the wrong place. Again, in my experience, the old stalwarts of this forum try to promote a positive, supportive and respectful attitude. Lol, so no calling any of that stuff got it! That's not how i think in fact if you new me then you would know that i will bend over backwards to resolve anything and yes i have had to - i think i have phrased the question badly here, So i understand that things can and do happen in the heat of the moment - my thick head is tiring to get understanding in the posts were its clear the poster is hurting about a SO and has told them but the SO still continues knowing that its hurting their mate - then the poster tries to say it's them not the one doing the hurting - i just can not understand that. I wish i could then i could be of some use or help and that's why i'm asking. to expand my knowledge because i have never been with any one that would do this to their SO, i have walked out on a 3some where i thought the miss was just way out of line with her husband and still wanted to continue as a two some - so no way i don't go around hurting people on purpose. And i also know it's not just the girls that do this its the guys as well. Any way it has been good to talk about it (for me and thanks for the online therapy lol ) Regards Quote Share this post Link to post