Jealousy: How to overcome it?

[Tink456too 18]

Hubby and I have enjoyed hotwifing for quite some time. He doesn't watch in person, but I take pics and videos. I have asked him to come watch, but it's not his thing. Although, he does like the idea of watching in secret.

 

That isn't our issue though. I'm happy if he is. My issue is jealousy. Lately he has wanted to have another woman. This is new territory. He has always been happy with my stories, but now he wants to play too.

 

I get very jealous and I know it is a double standard, I don't like the idea of him enjoying another woman. When he mentions it, I clam up and am not supportive of it. He and I have talked about it and we understand how each other feels.

 

I have offered same room, but he says no, he would feel uncomfortable with that. He is clear to point out I play why can't he. I have actually told him I will give up the lifestyle if he wants so that it isn't a double standard.

 

I want him to be happy so my question is how do I overcome the jealousy so he can have another woman?

[JandKinBoise 856]

Welcome! I hope you enjoy the site.

To answer your question...There isn't a trick to overcome jealousy that I know of. Often, swinging requires compromise but this is way past that. Not wanting to see your mate have sex is not uncommon or we would all be swingers. If he does understand your feelings, he shouldn't be pushing it. You didn't start being a hotwife on your own. This was a desire of his so there is no double standard in my opinion.

If you get to a point where there is an impasse, I suggest you put a hold on things for awhile. Caving to his desire could be a disaster.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Love, trust, communication. Every couple needs all three, any couple in the L/S needs all three in abundance. Jealousy is a byproduct of a lack of one or more of the former. Work on improving all three and you should find that it isn't as much of an issue. Also, take slow, short steps into bringing in another woman or couple. Start with same room sex or soft swap and see how things are. Jealousy also seems to be more prevalent when it is being done without the other partner present (imagination is much worse that seeing what is happening). Of course, it also might be something that you can't get over, in which case you may need to walk away, but first you may want to try and see. We wish you both luck as you consider what you are going to do.

[intuition897 2,179]

Hi Tink, welcome to the board!

 

What follows is just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt. If I were in your shoes - with a personality such as I have - I would feel disturbed that I was experiencing jealousy, and I would be doing everything I could to eradicate it, for my own peace of mind. In our experience, jealousy and its ilk are all negative emotions that have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with fear and insecurity. It is a self-centred set of emotions, focused wholly on one's self, and is not concerned with the needs of the other. So we don't see it as a positive or normal thing in our relationship at all.

 

We haven't tried hotwifing before. We had started out playing equally, and we don't play separately, mostly because we want to avoid any one-sidedness. The only thing I can suggest is to examine how you feel when you play with another partner. Why should your husband not feel jealous of what you're doing? Why would he feel any differently than you if he was with another partner?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

By any chance, is your hubby on this site as well? Your story sounds very similar to that of another new member who is describing the husband's side of the story.

 

As others have mentioned, it would be helpful to you to think carefully about the origins of your feelings of jealousy. Are you concerned that he will fall for one of his play partners, and leave you for someone else? Are you insecure about your own attractiveness (I'm betting it's not this, based on the fact that you play with other guys, and know that guys find you attractive)? It might be healthy for you and your husband to dig in and talk this out together as well.

 

Also, why does the idea of same-room swapping feel OK to you, but swapping in different rooms is not OK? Do you fear that he will say and do more intimate things with another woman if you're in different rooms? To be honest, I think the approach you two are taking does contain a basic inequity. He trusts you to play with guys on your own, and not fall in love with the other guys, but you do not trust him- unless you are in the room to watch. That said, I think that he could make great progress in creating something like a more balanced arrangement if he could find a way to try same-room swapping with you. His feelings could use some examination and discussion as well.

 

Now I understand that your current hotwife scenario has benefits for your husband as well as you. But it also seems that he desires to balance out the arrangement. The conundrum is that unless you two have a breakthrough of some kind (and I'm hoping that the thought and discussions I mentioned above might result in getting "unstuck"), you guys may not find a mutually agreeable solution. If you don't agree on a way to balance things out, and continuing on as you are is going to cause tension in your marriage, then I think that taking a break from hotwifing might be the best thing for both of you.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

You may find the sidebar on envy and jealousy towards the end of this essay useful. Swinging: Consensual non-monogamy within marriage

[Tink456too 18]

Yes, hubby just joined as well. We wanted to see if other couples had an idea of how to overcome my issues. I want to let him play and have decided my insecurities are just that and completely unwarranted.

 

We have a strong marriage with open communication and lots of love and trust.

 

I have realized there is no need for worry and he deserves the same fun I get. So we are going to try it. If it doesn't work we learn and move forward with a more open relationship because we are communiacting better. If it does, we add an extra level of excitement to our lives.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Kudos to both of you, on several fronts!

 

I'm glad that you are both here, both seeking to share your points of view, and both willing to hear the perspectives of others.

 

Also, it's great that you two are talking things out with each other, and are willing to venture outside your comfort zones. Tink456too, I'm crossing my fingers and toes for you! Hopefully you will feel the same thing that many of us have found when seeing our spouse playing with another person- besides the turn-on, there's the feeling of happiness in seeing your spouse giving and receiving pleasure, and even pride in them for being bold, adventurous, and desireable. And knowing that that hot number is coming home with you is the icing on the cake!

[Lee6657 15]

Ok I had to pipe in even though it's uncomfortable. I'm her husband and yes I am on the site. I was here before her.

 

Her jealousy level of wanting to know everything said even in a forum post lead her to join also. She justifies her behavior by asking her own question. But my question to her is:

 

Why this forum out of the multitude of others she could have chosen instead?

Why, to follow me.

She means well but subconsciously denies the level of jealousy she exhibits.

 

Try discussing a subconscious denial issue with someone who has kept so many secrets in her life that her family jokingly refer to her as an undercover CIA operative. Not kidding.

She naturally keeps information compartmentalized.

 

I bet she knows who killed Kennedy if you ask the right question.

 

Yes we talk. It's interesting and not boring...��

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife felt the same way. She agreed to try having sex with another man in front of me while I watched but she confessed that she wouldn't be able to handle me having sex with another woman. She thought I wanted her to have sex with other men so I could have sex with other women.

 

I wasn't interested in reciprocation. My fantasy was to watch her having sex with another man. Having sex with other women would be fun but that wasn't my purpose.

[SweetNaughtyWif 18]

Your story could almost be mine . Except we play with couples as well as the hotwifing thing, and both of us have battles with the green-eyed monster. Getting into swinging was both the best thing and the worst thing for my jealousy issues. Best thing because most of the time I can see and feel that the sex is just fun and entertainment for both of us - its demonstrated open-viewing trust. However there have been a couple of occasions when my doubts have been quite justified.

 

My advice is to have some really solid rules/boundaries. We have some rock solid rules and they stand us in very good stead, one of our bedrock rules is that it, the swinging/scenario/party/person or persons etc must be fun for both of us. The times when one has been left out is the times when we have had problems. For myself, I am at ease when I know that we're both on exactly the same page.

 

My other advice is the same as others have pointed out, get into your own head/heart and figure out where and why you feel like this. I did, it hurt and it took me places that are unpleasant but I feel I am getting better for it. It may also pay to work out your 'triggers', my hubby hates seeing me lying naked in another mans arms chatting after sex. For myself, I don't like it when there's a lot of whispering between my hubby and his partner during sex especially if I am right next to them (apart from anything else - it's rude!).

 

I have also come to realise that it's okay to be territorial. Not jealous. I mean that it's okay to safe guard your partnership because not everyone will respect it. My hubby has had to step in when I've lost my head there for a second and I had to do the same thing for him.

 

I hope this helps .