Why no kissing during threesome?

[FLPlaytimes 19]

My husband and I have found a pretty regular MFM playmate, and for some unknown reason, my husband doesn't want me to kiss him. I don't get it. To me it's the most benign of the things we do with this guy, believe me it IS the most benign thing we do, but he's told me he will stop altogether if I ever kiss him again?!

 

Is there a reason my husband is this way? It just seems strange, and for me, kissing is what gets me going, if you know what I mean. I don't attach intimacy to it or anything like that. It's just another fun thing to enhance the experience and nothing gets my panties wetter than hot kisses from 2 different hot guys, but I feel like he thinks it's some kind of "relationship thing" that attaches some kind of intimacy to my interactions with the other guy.

 

I'm very confused about this, especially since my husband won't kiss me after I've done particular things, but our third will, so it's nice to have that option when my husband is "icked out" for lack of a better phrase. I love to kiss. I feel like this is his dealbreaker, but I also feel like it's kind of my dealbreaker too. I hate to think he feels he can't trust me. We've been together for 14 years, and I would never cheat on him. I didn't bring up swinging, either. He did. I would never have considered it were it not for his influence. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad he did, because it's been great, but I feel like this "no kissing" rule is some kind of commentary on his trust level with me.

 

Does he distrust me, or has he just watched Pretty Woman one too many times lol... Any advice I could get would be greatly appreciated because I am flummoxed by this one. Before you tell me to communicate with him, I have. He just replies that he doesn't like it and that's all I need to know, that I should just take it at face value. Basically, he just shuts down when I try to figure out where his head is. He doesn't seem to suffer any other conflicts other than that when we participate in multiple partner sex, so I guess I just wonder if maybe anyone else has this rule or if they know why this rule would be so important to him since he won't divulge his reasoning to me about it.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Mr. CoupleInMD79 here. I know a small number of people who have this rule as well. I have played with one woman in particular who has this rule, and it really throws me off. It takes some of the fun and spontaneity away from the experience for me, making the whole thing less enjoyable. It also seems quite silly to me- I can kiss your breasts, your ass, and your pussy, but not your mouth?

 

That said, I also know that some people have triggers for negative feelings that their partner does not understand. For example, I know a woman who is great with full swap and everything that goes with it, including kissing everywhere, but is bothered by the sight of a woman stroking her man on the cheek. She doesn't stop the show if it happens, but they both know that it bothers her a little.

 

Do you two ever do FMF play, or swap with a couple? In those cases, does your husband have a show-stopping rule against kissing the other woman?

 

I know you understand the need to talk this over with your husband, and that your efforts along these lines have not borne fruit. The aspect of your story that concerns me a little is the "that's all you need to know, just take it at face value" part. To me, that sounds like there is a rock there with something big under it! He should be willing to express to you what it is that bothers him. Even if he has trouble putting his finger on it, he should be open about that rather than shutting the conversation down and (if I'm reading things right) getting defensive. Maybe he could take a look at this thread, after you hear from some other members?

 

You two seem to be heading for an impasse. How long can you live with this no-kissing rule? How long can he live with your desire to understand, and relax this rule? It sounds like, eventually, you two will have to decide to either change something, or stop having threesomes.

 

Not too helpful, I know... But I wish you good luck, and hope that you two get stronger together, whatever you decide to do.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I agree with your husband - it makes him uncomfortable, he has asked you to stop doing it, and that's reason enough for you to stop.

 

Since he isn't saying "stop having sex" only "stop kissing" it doesn't sound to me like he doesn't trust you. He just doesn't like seeing you kissing another guy. It may well be that he doesn't know why it makes him uncomfortable. It may simply be that seeing you kiss this other guy causes something to twist in his gut and ruins the fun of the experience for him, even though he can't explain it to himself or to you. (In American culture, after all, men as actively discouraged from analyzing our feelings and reactions. It's therefore a skill a lot of men have failed to develop.)

 

One of the cardinal rules of swinging often brought up here is that a couple should move at the speed of the slowest member. In this case that would be your husband. If you respect him, you need to respect his boundaries.

[FLPlaytimes 19]

Mr. CoupleInMD79 here. I know a small number of people who have this rule as well. I have played with one woman in particular who has this rule, and it really throws me off. It takes some of the fun and spontaneity away from the experience for me, making the whole thing less enjoyable. It also seems quite silly to me- I can kiss your breasts, your ass, and your pussy, but not your mouth?

 

That said, I also know that some people have triggers for negative feelings that their partner does not understand. For example, I know a woman who is great with full swap and everything that goes with it, including kissing everywhere, but is bothered by the sight of a woman stroking her man on the cheek. She doesn't stop the show if it happens, but they both know that it bothers her a little.

 

Do you two ever do FMF play, or swap with a couple? In those cases, does your husband have a show-stopping rule against kissing the other woman?

 

I know you understand the need to talk this over with your husband, and that your efforts along these lines have not borne fruit. The aspect of your story that concerns me a little is the "that's all you need to know, just take it at face value" part. To me, that sounds like there is a rock there with something big under it! He should be willing to express to you what it is that bothers him. Even if he has trouble putting his finger on it, he should be open about that rather than shutting the conversation down and (if I'm reading things right) getting defensive. Maybe he could take a look at this thread, after you hear from some other members?

 

You two seem to be heading for an impasse. How long can you live with this no-kissing rule? How long can he live with your desire to understand, and relax this rule? It sounds like, eventually, you two will have to decide to either change something, or stop having threesomes.

 

Not too helpful, I know... But I wish you good luck, and hope that you two get stronger together, whatever you decide to do.

 

He has no problem with me kissing other women, which also confuses me. He kisses the women too, which doesn't bother me in the least. To me it's all part and parcel of the experience. I like seeing him take any pleasure he can get from the experiences we have, otherwise what is the point? I even asked his permission once, and he refused. I just don't understand the need to keep only my lips (the ones on my face lol) away from other men. I think we will eventually have to have this out, but for now I'm going to play along. Maybe once he sees that I'm not planning on falling in love with every male partner this will abate. Like I said before in my introduction thread, we are still very new, so maybe he just needs some time to adjust. We'll see. Thanks for the advice.

[FLPlaytimes 19]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I agree with your husband - it makes him uncomfortable, he has asked you to stop doing it, and that's reason enough for you to stop.

 

Since he isn't saying "stop having sex" only "stop kissing" it doesn't sound to me like he doesn't trust you. He just doesn't like seeing you kissing another guy. It may well be that he doesn't know why it makes him uncomfortable. It may simply be that seeing you kiss this other guy causes something to twist in his gut and ruins the fun of the experience for him, even though he can't explain it to himself or to you. (In American culture, after all, men as actively discouraged from analyzing our feelings and reactions. It's therefore a skill a lot of men have failed to develop.)

 

One of the cardinal rules of swinging often brought up here is that a couple should move at the speed of the slowest member. In this case that would be your husband. If you respect him, you need to respect his boundaries.

 

Oh don't get me wrong. After he told me his feelings on the subject I never did it again. I asked his permission to do it once after that, but he refused so I dropped it. Like I said in another comment, we're still pretty new to all this and maybe after time, his feelings on the subject will change. I am not going to pressure him, though. After all, this is supposed to be fun, right? If we both aren't having fun, there's no reason to proceed. I just wondered if anyone else has experience with this rule and could enlighten me on the reasons behind it. I just want to understand, mostly. It bothers me a great deal that I can't kiss unless it's a woman, but not enough that I would end what we do. I just worry that he thinks I would actually fall for someone else. He is everything to me, and that just is never in my line of sight. I wouldn't ever leave him for anyone. Also, his lack of communication worries me. I know he and his long term relationship before us was into swinging also. Maybe something happened that he ties to the kissing? I guess my need to know is what's driving me the craziest lol

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Hi, FLPlaytimes. For some couples, they have a "no kissing" rule because kissing feels more intimate than sex. For those who see kissing and sex as two things that go hand-in-hand or natural when having sex, then it's harder to separate the two and can see swapping as less fun if one has to constantly keep the "no kissing" rule in mind. It sounds like your husband is in the former camp (seeing it as more intimate) and you are in the latter camp (you can associate kissing separately from intimacy/love).

[FLPlaytimes 19]

Hi, FLPlaytimes. For some couples, they have a "no kissing" rule because kissing feels more intimate than sex. For those who see kissing and sex as two things that go hand-in-hand or natural when having sex, then it's harder to separate the two and can see swapping as less fun if one has to constantly keep the "no kissing" rule in mind. It sounds like your husband is in the former camp (seeing it as more intimate) and you are in the latter camp (you can associate kissing separately from intimacy/love).

 

Well I will be fine without it, I guess. I would be lying though if I said it didn't dampen the mood a little to skip the kissing. I can kiss women, just not men. Maybe we need to plan out more FMF instead of MFM lol. I have the ability to be able to completely detach my emotions from sex. My husband says that's a rare quality in a woman. I don't know. I've never asked other women, but from just watching my vanilla friends, I'd be inclined to believe him. Typically it's the man who can detach his emotions, and for the most part he does, just not on this one thing. I'm getting almost the whole enchilada. Maybe I should just quit bitching about the small stuff.

[longun45 115]

Kissing is a form of intimacy that prepares a person for sex. Now I will tell you that touching, kissing and licking the neck and breasts can in most cases get around kissing on the mouth. It is not quite as effective but it can take you a long ways. It's purpose is to start a chain reaction of chemical releases and it helps bind people with a level openness and prepares the body for sex. It may be that he feels threatened by that and then avoids it by the no kissing rule. (Actually this is a form of jealousy where he is not sure of how intimate you are actually becoming) Being more intimate with other Men is the perceived threat.

 

It would be wise to be institute a no kissing other women rule for him and then make sure he follows that rule when having other women. Here we have the, If it is fair for you then It is fair for me situation.

 

This is your starting point. He will now either go along with the rule or explain why. Do not ask him, tell him - NO KISSING on the mouth. He will ask why. Just tell him that it is just too intimate and it has begun to bother you as well.

 

One of two things will happen, you will both stop kissing others of the opposite sex or you will both be kissing others of the opposite sex. Do not ask him why. If he wants to break the rule he must then explain why for him and not you. This is where he has to put it into words.

 

Left unresolved this is a source of friction and will eventually become drama. If you both want to keep swinging it has to go and be resolved (yeah - I know you know that but he does not). And to avoid that he has to come out and talk or he must modify his behavior. He is resistant to direct questions, so it must be done by indirect actions.

 

FLPlaytimes, I wish you both the best and this is a possible course of action to resolve the situation. Give it some thought, you know him much better than I do. It's just an Idea and of course your mileage may vary.

[FLPlaytimes 19]

It would be wise to be institute a no kissing other women rule for him and then make sure he follows that rule when having other women. Here we have the, If it is fair for you then It is fair for me situation.

 

I could try that. Maybe that would open up a dialogue. That's really all I want. I just want to know where his head is on this matter. Understanding the whys of it and knowing why his feelings are this way would help us both. Without any communication my mind is left to think the worst, which is probably not even the case. I will try this. Thanks for the help!

[cplnuswing 4,712]

No kissing is a rule that some couples have, and everyone is absolutely entitled to their rules, but I'll be blunt, having that rule eliminates a couple from our possibilities list. For us, it's just too hard to separate kissing from sex, and we don't want to always have to be worrying about whether we are breaking their rules by simply going in for a kiss.

 

You've received some great advice, and I'll join in by saying the part that bothers me the most in your post is the "you don't need to know why, take it at face value" part. Simply put, that's not going to work, or at least not long term. Swinging gets a couple into all sorts of situations, both expected and unexpected, that must be worked through as a team, and teamwork requires open and honest communication. That part would concern me more than the no kissing rule itself, and that's the part I would be working on, building up that teamwork and communication. If along the way you solve the kissing situation in a way you are both satisfied and ok with, then great.

 

You didn't mention in it your post, so I'm wondering - do you state in your profile you are a no kissing couple? If not, you really should. It's not only being fair to others who might be interested in playing with you to know your rules early on, it also will help head off the problem that is eventually going to happen when someone goes in for a kiss in the heat of the moment.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

It would be wise to be institute a no kissing other women rule for him and then make sure he follows that rule when having other women. Here we have the, If it is fair for you then It is fair for me situation.

 

This is your starting point. He will now either go along with the rule or explain why. Do not ask him, tell him - NO KISSING on the mouth. He will ask why. Just tell him that it is just too intimate and it has begun to bother you as well.

 

One of two things will happen, you will both stop kissing others of the opposite sex or you will both be kissing others of the opposite sex. Do not ask him why. If he wants to break the rule he must then explain why for him and not you. This is where he has to put it into words.

 

I would heartily recommend against this course of action. It seems to me tailor made to provoke a fight.

 

Swinging is not an "even Steven" arrangement. It is perfectly acceptable for one partner to be uncomfortable with certain things, while the other partner is perfectly fine with them. In my own relationship, my wife is perfectly happy to have me do separate room play with another woman but I am not comfortable with her doing separate room play with other men. So, she doesn't. She respects that limit, which exists for no better or worse reason than that I am not comfortable with that kind of play at this time.

[MrDiscover 802]

MsDiscover simply doesn't like kissing others but me, kissing is one of our highest levels of intimacy. There are a few threads here on the board about this subject, but in short: oral is more intimate than fucking and kissing is more intimate than oral sex for us. We know it is different for other people but this is how we feel.

 

The mouth is what we also use to express our feelings, to kiss our kids goodnight, to comfort a family member in hospital. Using that mouth on a dick or pussy too is very intimate, kissing another mouth is that feeling times two.

 

Now, we don't have a strict rule on this, so on a date we kiss a little now and then. But more for our date partners than for ourselves.

[FLPlaytimes 19]

Maybe I should just let it go. It's a small thing, and I'm not sure who I'd be punishing more if I didn't kiss the girls lol. I do want him to discuss it with me though. There usually isn't any subject or topic we can't discuss. We're very open about everything. This is the first time he's shut me down without discussing it, so I was taken aback by that fact alone. I am not used to a lack of full communication between us. Thanks everybody for all your advice.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Maybe I should just let it go. It's a small thing, and I'm not sure who I'd be punishing more if I didn't kiss the girls lol. I do want him to discuss it with me though. There usually isn't any subject or topic we can't discuss. We're very open about everything. This is the first time he's shut me down without discussing it, so I was taken aback by that fact alone. I am not used to a lack of full communication between us. Thanks everybody for all your advice.

 

Well, that makes it sound like something that you guys should talk about... but forcing the issue won't help. I'd say put it on the back burner and revisit it at a future point. It may be that his emotional reaction to some event or memory are making him unwilling to discuss it. Get some distance from those emotions and he may open up. My long winded way of saying - don't push and give him time.

[couplers 4,582]

... Like I said in another comment, we're still pretty new to all this and maybe after time, his feelings on the subject will change. I am not going to pressure him, though. After all, this is supposed to be fun, right? If we both aren't having fun, there's no reason to proceed...

 

May I suggest that you two continue to play (MFM, FFM, couples) and that you forego kissing other men. What you can do is kiss your husband or a woman while being intimate with other men. Two reasons I suggest that: 1) you can get pretty much everything, the sex and the kissing, just in a sort of convoluted way, and 2) after a while, maybe quite a while, he will come around and open up.

 

It's hard to take, but count yourself lucky - while my husband allowed me to be totally intimate with my boyfriend, it was a couple of years before I got my head straight and let him start to play. And even then it was with my girlfriend, a woman that I chose, for my own comfort and satisfaction. In retrospect, I now realize how selfish I was and how unselfishly loving hubby was. Give a little and you will earn a lot.

[Hitch 37]

OKAY! Strange thing just happened to me....I am fine (in my mind so far) with everything I can picture my husband doing with another woman. I never even thought about kissing until I read the title of this thread. Then my blood pressure rose and I had a fight or flight moment. I need to think about this more....why does the thought of my husband kissing another woman bother me so much?

 

I think a kiss is a love thing, not a sex thing.

[summer609 15]

I have had the same issue from my Wife when our first 3 some, she was my best friends wife and accidently we fall in to 3some. She and I likes kissing we had long kissing. I wanted kiss her allover and I was in the job. But suddenly my wife stopped me doing that she separated both of us and it was the end of our lovely first 3some. So I'm also finding answers for same,

[Bob250 74]

Sometimes people in the LS seem to think that being a "couple" is a monolithic entity. News flash!! It isn't. It's two people, not one entity. Because of this, there are any number of variations and likes/dislikes. I think the OP should view this as a simple variation that she and her husband differ on, and move past it. There are plenty of other fun things to do, to let this be a problem.

 

If/when we ever get back into the LS, I am sure that there will be differences of opinion between GF and I concerning some swinging practices. This should not inhibit our overall enjoyment of the LS in general. Swinging like all marriage activities is about give and take.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

When we started, we also had a no kissing rule thinking it was too intimate. After awhile, this (like many of the other rules we had) eventually became a non-issue...but that was because we were able to talk about it and come to a resolution. It sounds like the two of you need to work on your trust and communication skills. One rule that we have always kept in place was we move at the speed of the slowest person and don't pressure that person to go any faster than they are comfortable with. This is a limit for him right now. Most likely he is afraid of losing you if you become too attached (intimate) with the other guy. Work on letting him know how great it is that the two of you are able to do this...together, that you can talk about and explore your fantasies together and (most importantly) that you are not going anywhere. He is the man for you, especially for allowing you to have the relationship the two of you have. Make him feel safe. He may eventually no longer care about this limit...or it may be something that he never is comfortable with. The options are you can accept it (and work on the two of you becoming closer) or you are headed for more problems. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[Hitch 37]

Last night, Mr Hitch and I talked about which to try first, the MMF or FMF and he gave me the choice. I think he's still afraid that I'm going to change my mind or that he is somehow going to mess this all up. Anyway, I was describing, in great detail, how things might go with another women. I talked about him kissing her and showing her what his tongue can do (picture Gene Simmons) and when I said it, out loud, and pictured it, it became less of an issue. I had to sit and picture this and get through it. In the end, she isn't going to steal him by a kiss, and it would be hot to watch, so I'm okay with kissing after really thinking hard about it and visualizing it.

 

Maybe this will help with your husband?

[Alura 2,773]

My late wife and I had only one rule in swinging, that we would never make love with a playmate. It turned out to be easy since neither of us loved another person. We covered this in our book. I believe you can click on the link at the bottom of my posts. When you get to the picture of the book cover, click on that and you'll be able to read an excerpt. I'm pretty sure this issue is covered early on.

 

I think it's a more important problem that your husband refuses to share his feelings about his reason for the "no kissing" rule. A couple should never fear discussing anything with each other. If the fear is there, the communication is not.

[Guycurious 39]

We had this rule for a while until one night in the hot tub I turned to see my wife kissing the other guy. I mentioned it later and she said, "I was curious to see what it feels like to kiss a guy with a goatee."

 

And the kissing rule was no more.

[intuition897 2,179]

I actually never addressed the original post. I think I will have to echo Alura: I'd be more concerned about his reluctance to communicate. If you want to bring up anything, it should probably be this. Like you said, you can kinda-sorta live with the rule, but the thing that's bugging you is the 'why'. And he won't answer. I would be really concerned as to why he feels he can't share the reason with you. Especially in light of the lop-sided rules he's got going on! If you can't kiss men, he should not be able to kiss women. I know you said you can almost live with it, but it makes you unhappy. If I were in your shoes, I would even the score and say fine, no kissing, period. Until we resolve why this is an issue, we will simply leave it off the menu. This is not something I would do out of spite, but simply as am eye-opening demonstration of how it feels from your end, and an assertion that you will not put up with nonsense. If he feels like talking about it, you're all ears.

[Guest]

I think the no kissing thing kind of got a kick start from the movie Pretty Woman when she explained that she didn’t kiss her clients. It was something we talked about as a possible rule but on our first swing experience, an MFM, I was kissing hubby and the other guy on the trip up the elevator to the room and continue doing it. Doing it, or not doing it, has never come up since the pre-swing discussions. To not kiss, would seemingly make it all far less enjoyable. Certainly, there have been guys where that initial kiss made me say, yes, I want to do this guy.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

So many great points covered. My only add would be that I feel everything I do with my husband is separate and better than with any play partner simply because I love him and have all of our shared experiences together. I can do any sexual act with another man and it will never be the same or better than with my husband. We have decided that love is only allotted to each other and not available to anyone else.

 

Now to OP I will have to echo up thread that the main issue is the reluctance to discuss the no kissing men issue. Communication is absolutely necessary and lack of it will just breed resentment. You may very well have to keep that rule but you should be able to know why. Good luck.

[intuition897 2,179]

Yes, I think whether it's conscious or subconscious, Pretty Woman had something to do with the no-kissing thing. I wonder if, as newbies, we weren't sure what the rules were supposed to be, and we just grabbed for whatever looked like an acceptable rule at the time. It sort of feels like what we did. We originally had a no-kissing rule, but honestly...yeah...I think it was from watching Pretty Woman.