Curious, but there are so many questions

[JAPrufrock 588]

So, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, 7 of those married. We have two kids, and oddly enough, after our son was born my libido returned (I had a few years where it left), it's like I'm a teenager again! Good news for our sex life, but we've both been feeling a little...bored lately. Enter the MMF fantasy of mine that I've had since forever. My husband is way into it, but I'm a cautious person by nature, and I'm so worried that reality will NOT live up to fantasy, mainly that we (I) will regret it as what is once done cannot be undone. First things first, my husband had 3 partners before me, but he is my first and only partner. I was raised in a conservative religous home, and still am religious. This is a big hurdle for me. So here are some of the hurdles I'm hoping other people may have had and how they deal or dealt with them:

 

1) How do you get over the reputation aspect? Please do not be offended, I am not judging, obviously I'm here, right? but every time I hear a story about swingers etc... everyone treats it like a joke. Or like those people are deviant. With my upbringing this is really tough for me. I get so excited to think about my husband sharing me, or getting to try someone and something new, but that part in the back of my brain just screams "This is wrong, you're married! Marriage is for one person!" Sometimes I feel like I am two people stuffed into one brain.

 

On a practical level, what about someone outside of the swinging circle finding out. Has anyone ever had someone leak their lifestyle? Do people worry about this sort of thing?

 

2)I know that this is 100% hypocritical, but I am not OK with my husband sleeping with another woman. It likely stems from insecurity on my part, as I know that he loves me with all of his heart. He has told me he actually isn't interested in it, as he knows it wouldn't make me happy, and he'd much rather watch me with another woman or man. But I still feel like, if he's okay with me and someone else, I should be okay with him and someone else, right? Jealousy isn't the right word for it...well I guess it is. I'm like a kid with a toy... He's MINE! On the strange opposite side of the spectrum, a tiny part of me wants him to feel that way towards me. He said that if anyone ever offered me attention I didn't want, he would not be happy about it and step in, but I weirdly want him to be possessive of me. How do others deal with feelings like this? I feel like this means we're probably meant to keep this as a fantasy only.

 

3) Insecurities revolving around body type. I am not athletic, and while I'm not morbidly obese, I have had two kids and am a fair bit overweight, and always have been. It took a long time for me to let my husband see me naked while we were dating. I am not a model, and I have a hard time thinking that other people will see me as sexy. My husband is always reminding me that I am sexy, and he does make me feel like I am, but...will other people find me sexy? I keep myself clean, but probably lean more toward the hippie side of things. I HATE shaving my bikini area because of ingrown hairs/itchiness (I keep it trimmed). Will other people be put-off by that? Opening yourself up in this way is kind of scary, did others struggle with this?

 

4) Safety. I've only had my husband, and we were darn lucky he never picked anything up from his prior GF's. I'm terrified of getting an STD, and for health reasons, I can't take hormonal birth control. There's no way to verify if what someone says is true. Is it just a leap-of-faith kind of thing where you use condoms, hope nothing happens, and that the person is clean? Is it rude, if you're working on getting to know someone/a couple for fun to ask that they give you lab work results (and you give them yours) before sex can happen? Blow jobs would be a good starting out point for me, I think, but how much fun is a BJ with a condom on?

 

And the final aspect, which ties in to safety, is how do you meet someone? I was curious and posted an add on Craigslist, thinking no one would respond (I was honest and said penetration wasn't going to happen, but they could watch) and got a ton of responses. Some were nice and others were... creepy to say the least. IT actually turned my husband off to doing it and we deleted the post without answering any of the replies.

 

Is it all like that? There are a few clubs in the area, but that seems like a big step to take. Were others hesitant to try them? I'd like to meet someone discreetly for drinks, get to know them, and then see where things go, is it possible to do something like that in a club setting?

 

There are a ton more questions, and I'm sorry for writing a novel. We're just so new at this. Before now it was a fun fantasy. I know the trick is to go slow, and communicate with your spouse, but it's hard to know where to start.

[Heing&Sheing 75]

Hello & welcome!

You sound exactly like me when we started our swinging journey. I could have written your post. We are not super experienced but I will answer to what we have already learned.

 

1. Had the same feelings. Same background. We are now in a place where we believe *cheating* is wrong, wrong, wrong, but a mutual sexual encounter is to us much the same as using a sex toy, its mutually desired (we only go as fast/far as the slowest person is ready for) and is enhancing our sex lives. So we feel no religious guilt for swinging.

We are very private, we only share our names, face photos after chatting (on website, or via email or text) with someone & feeling very comfortable with them. There is always that chance someone will "out" us but remember for them to see our profile or something like that they were there too. We of course are still kinda scared of that happening, we live in a very conservative area, and in a community with tons of family members all around close . But we would just hold our heads high knowing that we are not the only ones with skeletons in the closet...

 

2. I felt this way at first & hubby was the same as yours, he didn't HAVE to have another woman, his thrill was mainly to watch me receive & give pleasures. But the more I read & the more we talked about the LS,I started wanting the same for him.I know that he comes & leaves with me, no matter what. And that "jealous" feeling you have & kinda wish he had... that is a negative emotion but the pride he feels in me & me in him regarding swinging is a positive emotion and is just as sweet, more so really.

 

3. I could be the author of this paragraph! Me too, not obese but have extra pounds, stretch marks & all that comes with carrying & breastfeeding 2 large healthy children at a young age. Have never been confident in my body. I still do not contact or consider couples where the woman is a fit, hot, hard body. I would be too intimidated in my mind about my insecurities to have fun. Not that we only play with women at least my size but no skinny fit muscled perfect sex symbol looking chicks. I have actually been surprised at the amount of men & couples that have contacted us saying they are attracted to me. (IMO, hubby is much sexier) It has raised my self esteem considerably! It is scary, but you would be surprised how many men are attracted to "real" women & not stick figures or barbie dolls.

 

4. This was one of our sticking points for a long time. Fear, plain & simple. Hubby has had a Vas, & I have blood clotting issue so didn't take BC for years now. Talked to my gyn (a whole other story struggling with that, lol) about safe bc methods for me & found one that is safe & will be getting that soon. As for STD's there are several threads you can read through here on this wonderful site, they helped us a ton! While you can never know for 100% sure about someone even with a recent test, what have they done since...? We so far have been very choosy about our playmates & discuss STD's extensively with them before playing, and go with our gut about taking a risk or not.

 

We are on SLS (swinglifestyle.com) it has many options for weeding out what you want or don't want. We are not really the club type, We would rather have a meeting before deciding to play with someone & it become a FWB thing rather than a once & done with kinda random people.

 

Hope this helps. I'm sure other members will chime in with other great points too!

-She

[Heing&Sheing 75]

Oh I forgot to say that you should stick to what you are ok with (individually & as a couple) you will be amazed at how many "varieties" of swingers there are. It may be a bit harder to find playmates if you are not comfortable with the other woman being penetrated by your hubby, but if that's what your rules are then there is probably a couple out there that will be looking for just what y'all are wanting.(probably more than a few) just be honest about what you want & stick to your guns.

-she

[PandO 103]

We are still very new to this, as well. We currently only have one experience under our belt, with a couple where we engaged in a full swap experience. I wanted to respond to all of your questions bc these same thoughts and fears are still so fresh with us too and yet there was such a radical perspective change on some of them right after our experience that I wanted to share, but for some reason I'm struggling this morning to get my thoughts down. Maybe it's the pregnancy brain...

So for now I just want to address #3.

 

I used to be very morbidly obese. I eventually made some huge adjustments to the way I was living and was able to lose a LOT of weight several years back. I've also had and breastfed going on 4 kids now. I've managed to keep getting any extra pregnancy weight off after I have the kids, but I have a lot of loose skin... on my upper arms and stomach area especially. I've always been pretty confident with my husband bc he met me at my heaviest,and was a huge source of encouragement and inspiration on my journey to losing the weight, as well. He's loved me and my imperfect body at all the various sizes and stages it's gone through. All that to say, my body has some major flaws and I was terrified to get naked in front of other people. Sure I fantisized about it and wanted to do it, but as the day of our date got closer, I was REALLY stressing it. I cried at one point. I was hoping they'd have to cancel. They didn't. Lol I totally understand your fears on that.

 

I'm happy to report it was not an issue. All that worry and fear for nothing. I think our gentleman friend was not only okay with my body, but took pleasure in it.

 

Just be honest. Don't tear yourself down or anything when describing your body shape, but list yourself as curvy with some extra weight. Once they see pictures and meet you in person, even with clothes on, I'm sure they'll be able to tell if they are attracted or not. I don't think most men are really so naive to what a woman's body actually looks like after we've aged some and had a few kids. Some men even have a preference for softer, curvier women. My husband is one. But keep in mind, there are PLENTY of chances for people to realize a lack of attraction or compatibility and back out of play before you actually ever get naked.

 

It actually felt incredibly empowering to know another man found my body pleasing, and has had a positive effect on my view of my body. Good luck to you!

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Welcome. You have some good questions. I'll offer a few of my answers, but as with many things your answers might be different.

 

Concerning "reputation," I always told myself I didn't care. What really matter is how you feel about it. One thing I will say, my marriage is with one person. There is a lot more to my marriage than sex. As for anyone else finding out. I pretended not to be worried about that, but I didn't go out of my way to tell people. Eventually some of my friends did find out... and it turned out they were into the lifestyle too.

 

Concerning not wanting to share your husband. There are lots of different kinds of swingers. If your husband is OK with not playing and you make it clear to your partners that he doesn't, then that's OK. What does raise a flag of concern with me is your desire for him to be possessive of you. It does make me wonder if perhaps swinging isn't the right course for you. You may be able to find a balance between him both sharing you and being possessive, but it would take a lot of work and good communication.

 

Concerning insecurities, the vast majority of swinger's I know aren't supermodels. There are a wide variety of body types and the median age of swingers is somewhere in the 40s. As for shaving, my wife doesn't shave either and she hasn't had any trouble. Lots of guys actually complement her on her "natural look." I don't think you'd have any problem finding people who think you're sexy.

 

Concerning safety. Yes, it's a concern. Condoms are a requirement for us when playing. There is a certain "leap of faith" involved, but most swingers I know are very aware of this concern. People get themselves tested regularly and condoms are very effective.

 

Concerning meeting people. Don't use Craigslist. I'm sure some people can navigate it successfully, but more often than not I just hear terrible things about it. There are some good dedicated swingers websites which work better for people who know how to use them. Myself, I prefer meeting people at our local swingers club.

 

Yes, it is possible to meet someone, have a quiet drink and chat at a swingers club. Every club I've been two has two sections... a social area and a "play" area. The social area is a lot like a normal club, it's has tables and chairs, a dance floor, a DJ. Most clubs as BYOB, because of the legal complexities involved in liquor licences, so people have to bring their own drinks. The majority of activity in the social area involves having a drink and getting to know people. Only then, if then, do people move to the play area, which in my experience, usually involves a lot of small private rooms with a bed or two.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Your post is a really good summary of the things people feel when first considering swinging. If it is any consolation, nearly everyone has felt some or all of those themselves. I'm a look before you leap kind of person too, so I think coming here and trying to learn all you can is the best decision you could have made, since with knowledge comes comfort.

 

Swinging doesn't always live up to the expectations. Some experiences are less than you had hoped for, while some are fantastic and will bring out feelings you've never experienced before. It's important to realize that up front, since setting up unrealistic expectations in your mind is a sure way to quickly get disillusioned with the whole idea of swinging.

 

Everyone is different, but I don't really see swinging as something that can't be undone. You try it once or several times, decide it's not for you, and then just move on. If you were in it together and both were totally on-board with giving it a try, then it shouldn't be hard to leave it behind you. The best analogy I can think of right now would be taking a different job. That is a big step, impacts both people in the relationship, and is nothing to be taken lightly. But, when it doesn't work out, then you just leave it behind you. You both thought it would work and be a good thing, but then it wasn't, so you just move on with life.

 

You may say but how in the world can anyone compare sex outside of marriage with a job? This ties into the next point with the religion too. Society and religion will tell you that a marriage is centered around sexual commitment to each other and that adherence to that is a metric upon which marriages are scored. Swingers don't see it that way. Sex with others is just a fun activity, to be kind of silly about it, say like joining a bowling team. Something fun you do with other people who have the same interest, and maybe make some new friends along the way. To us, what makes a marriage isn't that we never have sex with anyone but each other, but that there is a level of honesty and sense of togetherness that many couples don't have. Swingers don't see sex as #1 on that "what makes a marriage" list, and we reserve the right to define for ourselves the role sex plays in our relationship rather than letting others tell us what role it should play. If it is something you decide to do together, and both are totally on board with it, then it is what is right for you.

 

To hit upon your other questions, discretion is very important to swingers. There may be a few because of their life circumstances don't have to worry about it as much, but for most, discretion is something we value, give others, and expect from others in return. Just using common sense goes a long way toward protecting your privacy - don't post face pics viewable to anyone on a personal ads site, don't give out your full name and address to just anyone, etc. Just keep discretion in mind and there shouldn't be any problems.

 

Regarding just you playing, not your husband, there are all sorts of ways to swing. Yes, the most common is couple on couple swap, but that doesn't mean it's the only way or the "right" way. The more unique your swinging style gets, the more difficult it will be to find others with that same style, but you can be rest assured there are others out there looking for the same thing you are, it's just a matter of finding each other.

 

Body type. Swingers are very nonjudgmental, and I have no doubt you will find plenty of people who find you sexy and attractive. Just like we don't let society define for us what our marriage should be, we don't let society define for us who we should find sexy and attractive either. Many people feel empowered by swinging and confirmation that yes, they are indeed sexy and attractive to others. Other comparisons you make to determine that are just hypothetical, you are comparing to airbrushed pictures in magazines, celebs and people whose literal job is to stay fit, trim, and beautiful, etc. None of that is real life for real people. As I think you will find out if you do indeed proceed with this, swingers are nothing but real people in all sense of the word. They are your neighbors, your kids teacher, your coworkers, etc. and they aren't judging anyone for being real people just like they are.

 

STD's. The only 100% effective prevention of STD's is to never ever have sex with anyone, your whole life, including your spouse. Once you discard that as being unrealistic, then it becomes a matter of calculated risk. Is swinging riskier than a monogamous relationship with one person? Yes. But is that risk 50% safe vs 99% safe, or is it 80% safe vs 95% safe, or ?. Only you can decide what that level of acceptable risk is for you. All of us have found a level we are comfortable with, whether that means testing, always using protection, carefully selecting partners, or what other methods we have in place to reach our comfort zone. It's different for everyone, so you will just have to decide your acceptable level. In terms of HIV or something truly serious or life threatening, use common sense and the risk is almost negligible. By far, the most dangerous thing you can do in swinging is getting in the car to drive to wherever you are meeting another couple for dinner, etc. So, no it's not a "leap of faith thing", but it is a calculated risk thing, just like getting in a car.

 

Finally, if you want to find swingers, then go where the swingers go, and that's the online personal ad sites like SLS and swingers clubs. CraigsList may be great for selling your old lawnmower, but don't mess around with it for swinging, it's just too free and open and you are inviting trouble.

 

Keep the questions coming and we'll all do our best to try to answer them

[angelkin 1,326]

You've received a lot of great responses already and I want to congratulate you for having the courage to post your concerns. I think I can speak for the forum membership that we feel honored when someone shares their personal feelings and asks for advice from this community...in a way, it validates who we are as swingers and it feels good to know that a relative "outsider" doesn't think we are a bunch of sex-crazed perverts Which leads me to your first question:

 

1. Reputationally speaking, the acceptance I feel in the swing community far outweighs what the rest of the world might think of my sexual interests. I am free to be the real me when I am in the company of other swingers, not having to hide my silly sexual innuendo sense of humor, my open flirtiness, and interest in kink of many kinds. The benefits outweigh the risk to me. As far as being found out - it's a major concern, but I had it happen in a BIG way and I lived through it. There's a thread here about being "outed". Anymore, almost of the people I am close with (family and friends) know I am a swinger and there's something freeing about that.

 

Only you can decide if stepping beyond the fantasy is worth the risk, for me, I don't really care what others think about me. I'm having the time of my life, and we only go around once.

 

2. I don't have a lot of experience with jealousy, but would like you to ponder on the idea of compersion. From what you've said, it sounds like your husband in in this frame of mind and perhaps you can find your way there someday. I do think a little jealousy and possessiveness can be a good thing, though. Can you consider the fact that he is willing to share you some level of possessiveness? I mean, not that he owns you, but you are his wife - and if he said "no way", you'd honor that, right? On the other hand, he has chosen to explore this path with you, i.e. given permission. Just another way to think about it.

 

3. I too am overweight, have grown children. I've found that men of my age are looking for intelligence, enthusiasm, and fun rather than a hardbody Barbie doll. I am confident in myself and my abilities and own my sexuality - IMHO, those things alone make me sexy. Swingers come in all shapes and sizes, just look around the grocery store and the shoppers there are basically what you'll see at any swinger club. Accentuate your assets, downplay your perceived trouble areas, and if it makes you more confident - don't get naked! There's something very sexy about a corset, garters and thigh-high hose, or a cute babydoll...nobody says that you can't hide behind clothing

 

4. Like everything else in swinging (and as others have said) the STD risk vs reward is the key. I've been promiscuous my entire life, even before swinging, and I've never had an STD. Mitigate the risk via condom use, regular STD screenings, and being honest with your doctor about your activities will go a long way. As far as fertility goes, that's a tough one (I'm fixed). I've never asked or been asked for my STD results - and I've never actually been given any written results from my doctor, but I've never asked for them.

 

Finally, meeting people...I'm in Ohio and I can tell you, Ohio and Indiana is a hotbed of swinging activities. SLS and SwingerZoneCentral are the most popular websites. Given that you'd rather meet and get to know someone first, I'd recommend joining one or both of these sites (you can be a free member). You'll find a great number of single men, and after careful screening, there will be one that fits your style. Men on those sites are more likely to respect your relationship and follow your play style than a random guy off the street.

 

There's also a really great Meet n Greet group in Dayton (monthly on a Friday) that is ran by one of the moderators here. It's a no pressure way to meet people and just see what you think. It's at a local bar, no fees, just join the group and show up.

 

Ask all the questions you want and take a look around the forums...there's a lot of information here to explore. We are glad to have you with us!

[JAPrufrock 588]

Thank you all so much for your insight and thoughtful responses. It is so nice to find people that have had the same concerns (it always feels good to know you're not alone), and to get their perspective on things. You all gave us so much to think and talk about! I sat down and thought, really thought, about how I would feel if my husband was with another woman (while I was there, of course) and you know what? I found myself getting a little turned on by it, once I got past the first initial feeling of jealousy. Imagining him being pleasured, and having fun, while he watched me do the same was actually enjoyable to think about. Granted, thinking about and doing aren't the same things, but it's a start, right!?

 

We've realized that this is something to ease into, take it slow. We are considering going to a club one night, agreeing that we will just stick to one another for the time being, just to see what it's like. I'm glad that we did the Craigslist experiment. I realized that my husband is, if not possessive, at least protective. There were a few unsavory people and Mr.Prufrock was like "no way in hell was I going to let that guy sleep with you!"

 

The analogy of Swinging as a sex toy really made sense. Obviously there's more to it then that, but it did help me reconcile it a little in my head, and the advice about it being something we can try and just walk away if it's not for us made me feel a little better, because it's true. My husband and I have such a strong marriage already, if we don't like it, we just say adios and we'll have a good story to remember when we're old Now... how to get our feet wet.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

You are on the right track! Thinking and talking about things together will lead you to the decision that is right for you as a couple, whatever it turns out to be. Just being able to openly and honestly talk about this subject puts you ahead of about 90% of couples, and that kind of communication is so valuable to have in other aspects of your relationship that have nothing to do with swinging at all.

 

Some people never totally escape feeling some level of jealousy no matter how many times they do it, while others don't feel any jealousy at all from the very start. Where jealousy becomes a problem is when it is the type that is controlling you, not you being able to control it. When you control it, and are able to move past it, then yes, you can go places that are very enjoyable indeed, and not just directly related to enjoying something yourself, but also for your spouse, which is the compersion angelkin made reference to. When we are playing if I hear Mrs cplnuswing crying out in pleasure and see her doing things that I know she is enjoying, I'm happy for her. It's not that I can't make her feel the same things, but why limit what makes her happy to just when I do it? And yes, it does go beyond that too because seeing your spouse getting sexually pleasured by someone else is just hot. Obviously, not everyone thinks that or else the whole world would be swingers , but for those of us who do, there is no denying it is a turn-on.

 

You are right that thinking about it and doing it are two different things, but once you have gotten as far as you have where you are giving the whole idea serious consideration, then it's not as different as you may think. You've already made that jump in your mind from someone who has those thoughts as 100% pure fantasy to this is something that could actually happen for you. Once you are in that this could happen thought process, then I will bet it would play out about like you think it will if and when it does happen in real life.

 

Absolutely, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to swinging. Take small steps, and when the next step feels like it will be one too far, then stop and give yourself time to get steady again before taking the next step, or just decide you've gone far enough. I always recommend going to a good club as a great way to get started. Just go with no expectations other than having a fun evening out together, and you can't go wrong. You can learn a lot about swinging just going to a club, watching what is going on, and maybe chatting with other people. Nearly everyone you meet at the club will be happy to offer what help and advice they can to a new couple.

 

Swinging is magnifier. If there are cracks in the relationship, it will find them and make them larger. If the relationship is already headed downhill, it will make it go downhill faster. But, if the relationship is solid no matter how close you look, then it can boost it up to a new level you likely haven't experienced before.

 

Angelkin's recommendation of the Dayton group is a really good one. All clubs and parties have a different feel to them, and some are much better than others. Especially just starting out, you want to hit one of the good ones where you will feel comfortable right from the start, so if I was in that area, I'd give strong consideration to starting with it. It's a meet and greet, so off-premise, no sex, so just a great way to meet some people and find out what swingers are really like in a comfortable setting.

 

Good luck! Threads like this are always my favorite because it brings back the memories of how we felt when we were in the place you are now. Scared, excited, anxiety, anticipation, and all the other things that make swinging so fun and interesting

[PleasingHer 52]

On the issue of being possessive:

 

Ask yourself what part of him do you want to have and hold? His heart, time, love, adoration, stolen kisses, laughs, intimacy? Don't you already have all of those things?

 

There certainly is a list of things you should zealously guard about your husband, for me nowhere on that list is their sexuality. Sex is but one expression of love. It will always feel different with your spouse than anyone else. Your not losing intimacy by sharing him with others.

 

You should be very possessive of every other aspect of him, his heart is what you should crave, that's what you already have and no amount of random sex should change that. We are possessive out of fear, and what we will lose if our spouse leaves us for another. When a breakup or divorce happens, there is heartbreak and rivers of tears. I garauntee we aren't crying over the sex. We are devastated over the loss of intimacy, the things nobody else knew about, the knowledge you had each other's back, the shared goals and dreams are gone. You see, sex is an expression. It can be passionate and intimate. Or it can be my crotch is on fire just thinking about this other guys junk pounding me into submission. Each is equally valid, each equally enjoyable

[JAPrufrock 588]

PleasingHer, what a wonderful way to look at it. You're absolutely right I am coming around to the idea. We talked about it, about why I feel possessive. A lot of it comes from my own insecurities. He was my first (and only) boyfriend, and I'm still amazed he was even into me, but clearly he is, so I need to get over it and realize that he obviously loves me for who I am, and isn't so easily swayed. He is, if anything, constant. So the more I think about that, the easier it is to think about him gaining pleasure from a different encounter. Still not interested in totally separate play though. He is all hot and bothered about watching me with someone else, and I get all hot and bothered thinking about him watching me, so what's the point in not being in the same room?

 

Angelkin, Where can I find the meet-and-greet information for the Dayton group? Dayton's a little ways from us, but maybe we can swing it (pun intended!)

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

If your love, your trust, and your communication is all rock solid, there just isn't much room left for jealousy.

[angelkin 1,326]

The dayton meet and greet group (search that in the groups page) is available on SZc and perhaps SLS. Pm funcoupledayton here for specifics. It's a really easy way to get to talk to lots of people without a club visit. In my experience, clubs are frequented by more experienced swingers and these M&Gs are more laid back - and since there's no sex on premises, less daunting than a club.