What is BDSM?

[SwingSetWife 444]

Not what does it stand for. I have, at least, gotten that far.

 

SSH and I joined FetLife (him a while ago, me more recently). We have also noticed that a good handful of the people we see on swinging sites (or even sites like okcupid) have profiles on fetlife. I go on there and it is mostly confusion. I feel like I'm missing something because I honestly just don't "get it". SSH is interested in exploring some of his submissive side (we are both more submissive). And we find that there are more "out" bisexual men/heteroflexible men and that is something that we are looking forward to exploring as well.

 

Does anyone here have any experience in the bdsm/fetish/kink/role-playing scene? Does anyone have any experience where one partner was interested in exploring it but the other wasn't?

 

As far as me personally - there are a few things I wouldn't mind trying. Problem is, like I said, both SSH and I are both on the submissive side, and I am only comfortable doing those things with him. He is trying (and I love him for it!!! ) but I know that I just can't fill that role that he needs me to play for him. I feel like an ass saying that but I know it just isn't in me to do it.

 

Just to be clear - although I might feel like an ass for saying that, he doesn't make me feel that way. He is so supportive and just wants me to be comfortable. It is all me. I feel guilty that I can't play that part for him. We have discussed him maybe exploring it more on his own, but I have my reservations about that as well which I can get into if anyone here can provide some answers or has experience with this...something...

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Does anyone here have any experience in the bdsm/fetish/kink/role-playing scene? Does anyone have any experience where one partner was interested in exploring it but the other wasn't?

 

In order, yes, I do and no, unfortunately I don't.

 

The BDSM and swinger scene in my area is pretty well intertwined (a regional thing, I gather), so most of the swingers I know are also into BDSM and both swingers clubs in our area boast having large dungeon play areas.

 

So, what is BDSM... at the most basic, it's a game of trust between two partners. Oh sure, tying someone up and whipping them often plays a big role, but at it's most basic BDSM is a game of trust. The submissive trusts the dominant to understand and respect their limits, the dominant trusts the submissive to explore his/her desires and to use the safeword (or whatever other cue is agreed upon) to end the scene if they need to. BDSM is about exploring sexual boundaries, pushing your limits with someone you trust and letting yourself be completely open and honest.

 

When I have a little more time, I'll come back and post more... but that's a start.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

As far as me personally- there are a few things I wouldn't mind trying. Problem is, like I said, both SSH and I are both on the submissive side, and I am only comfortable doing those things with him. He is trying (and I love him for it!!! ) but I know that I just can't fill that role that he needs me to play for him. I feel like an ass saying that but I know it just isn't in me to do it.

 

My wife and I have a similar problem. She can play a somewhat submissive role and enjoy herself, but would like to try out a dominant role from time to time. I am very uncomfortable in a submissive role and would like to explore my dominant side more than is entirely enjoyable for her.

 

Since BDSM, just like swinging, is about trust, honest and communication and BDSM, just like swinging, is a place where you should proceed at the pace of the slowest person... we have to limit ourselves to those activities which we both find comfortable and enjoyable. When it comes to stretching outside of those comfort zones, part of it falls into stretching ourselves and part does involve finding other people who we can explore with.

 

We have discussed him maybe exploring it more on his own, but I have my reservations about that as well which I can get into if anyone here can provide some answers or has experience with this...something...

 

Our first introduction to BDSM was at our local swingers club, on our very first night there. One of the people we met was a dominatrix. My wife was curious and agreed enthusiastically when the dominatrix offered to flog her. From there, we started exploring ourselves, but also going back to the club and having more small scenes with people there. Most of the time, when my wife goes, I am there to watch and to provide "after care" (a term for the cooling down/relaxing/grounding period after a scene). In that way, I am able be part of the experience, and to make sure she is OK, which still letting a more experience dom take her to places I am not ready to myself.

 

You might find something like that to be a good compromise between his exploring alone and your concerns. Think of it as the difference between same room and separate room play as a swinger. I'm sure you would find someone who could accommodate you... and more importantly, someone who wouldn't is not someone you want to be playing with.

 

I'm not sure what else to offer, but feel free to ask any other questions that occur... here or by PM if you'd rather. I'm sure there are other people here who can chime in.

[Sunflower 22]

I am also curious about BDSM. My husband has tried to play the dominate role, but he feels as though it is wrong to treat me that way. I like to say he is too emotionally involved. He is not interested in BDSM at all. I would like to be submissive and talked dirty to. Our first visit to a swinger club had me bent over with my hands on a woman's thighs and everyone else taking turns spanking me with a wooden spoon. I loved it! (even though I was sore the next day, LOL). I like the idea of him to be there to take care of me after and it is something I will definitely discuss with him.

[Guest]

I disagree with the premise that it is about trust. Rather, I think part of it is the excitement and anticipation of submitting to something where you don't have control and you don't necessarily set the exact limits. I'm into BDSM, my hubby tries to accommodate me and has come up with his own twists to the game that can be exciting and work well with our love making and even enhances our swinging, but he is really just too nice and too gentle of a guy to make me be really submissive or to inflict any real level of pain. He knows this and admits to it. Rather, he will accompany me to a dungeon or to a master and observe while one or more people take me on a path to new limits of unpredictability and where trust is not necessarily a factor.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Rather, he will accompany me to a dungeon or to a master and observe while one or more people take me on a path to new limits of unpredictability and where trust is not necessarily a factor.

 

Respectfully, you are putting yourself in a situation where someone else is in control, and more often than not able to inflict pain or otherwise do you potentially serious physical and/or emotional harm. Trust is a factor. Either you trust that person or you have a death wish.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Looking back on it, I think my last post came off sounding more judgmental than I intended... I'm just trying to say that, implicitly or explicitly, trust is a factor in BDSM like communication and sharing are factors in swinging.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

I was reading something about this just the other day. This IS a big problem for lots of people. All too often (as already pointed out) the other partner isn't interested or willing to participate. Fortunately, that wasn't a problem for me and mine, but it still is occasionally an issue. It's hard to love someone and then punish them or treat them poorly...no matter how much they may want you to do it (once again, communicate, communicate, communicate). I WANT to go easy on her, but this just makes her push the boundaries that much further (and boundaries should be relatively firm and consistent). I have to constantly remind myself this in order to keep her in line and happy. That's one reason that people turn to on line D/s relationships. Even though the Master isn't physically there. they are still controlling the others actions and challenging their (soft) limits. While trust is important, it's usually about giving up control and allowing someone else the power.

 

Now, I expect to find photos (shoulders down) of the women with clothespins on their nipples in my inbox before I return...more instructions to come.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Thank you everyone for the responses so far.

 

 

I was reading something about this just the other day. This IS a big problem for lots of people. All too often (as already pointed out) the other partner isn't interested or willing to participate. Fortunately, that wasn't a problem for me and mine, but it still is occasionally an issue. It's hard to love someone and then punish them or treat them poorly...no matter how much they may want you to do it (once again, communicate, communicate, communicate). I WANT to go easy on her, but this just makes her push the boundaries that much further (and boundaries should be relatively firm and consistent). I have to constantly remind myself this in order to keep her in line and happy. That's one reason that people turn to on line D/s relationships. Even though the Master isn't physically there. they are still controlling the others actions and challenging their (soft) limits. While trust is important, it's usually about giving up control and allowing someone else the power.

 

Now, I expect to find photos (shoulders down) of the women with clothespins on their nipples in my inbox before I return...more instructions to come.

 

 

This is a lot of the problem I am having. It's not so much that it is "hard to punish", I just don't find it interesting or erotic at this time. I'm going to explain this the best way I can...

 

I have an interest in doing some kink related things.... light bondage, spanking, rope play.... things of the nature. But not as "punishment". I don't "feel the role", as I attempted to explain to SSH. While it can be considered "role playing" (which I'm not into anyway), I honestly feel like you are either a dom or sub or you just are not... Sure, you can train and learn to become one or the other, but what you are really doing is fostering traits that you already have in order to make them stronger. If you don't possess the personality for such a relationship, can you really "force" yourself into and "learn" to enjoy it?

 

How do you manage the "real world" and your "sex life" in regards to a D/s relationship? I understand that some live it 24/7, but that is not a reality for us at this time. How do you know when and where to turn the switch off and on? How (or do you even) incorporate punishments for everyday things (you forgot to ask permission for such and such when we went shopping today.....) into your bedroom play?

 

I know I sound like a newb, but remember... I am

[Lionheart72 2,189]

If you don't possess the personality for such a relationship, can you really "force" yourself into and "learn" to enjoy it?

 

Replace swinging for BDSM and ask yourself the same question. I think you'll find the answer is no, given the responses to any number of threads on these forums about couples where one member wants to swing and the other doesn't.

 

How do you manage the "real world" and your "sex life" in regards to a D/s relationship?

 

A lot of people in BDSM have a D/s relationship in the bedroom and a perfectly normal relationship everywhere else. Just like swingers aren't constantly hitting on people and having crazy naked orgies in the halls at work , most people in BDSM are just ordinary people most of the time.

 

How do you know when and where to turn the switch off and on?

 

As with anything else, it's context based. When you're in a place and time where you're going to have sex, be it BDSM, swinging or vanilla, you switch into sex mode and when you're not, you don't.

 

How (or do you even) incorporate punishments for everyday things (you forgot to ask permission for such and such when we went shopping today.....) into your bedroom play?

 

I suspect a lot of people just don't... or if they do, they do when it strikes their fancy.

 

You mention role playing... I think there is a bit of role playing in BDSM, at least for those into it casually. For some people, like me and my wife, being a dom or a sub is a role we play in the bedroom. In BDSM, people talking about "scenes." A scene is a BDSM scenario often discussed ahead of time. Much like a swinger couple may discuss with their partners what their rules and limits are, and what kind of sex they want to have, a BDSM scene involves a degree of negotiation... of talking about what the participants like or don't like, what they want to do or try. And like the discussion between swingers it can as detailed or general as the parties involved feel appropriate.

[SwingSetWife 444]

If you don't possess the personality for such a relationship, can you really "force" yourself into and "learn" to enjoy it?

 

Replace swinging for BDSM and ask yourself the same question. I think you'll find the answer is no, given the responses to any number of threads on these forums about couples where one member wants to swing and the other doesn't.

 

 

I believe I might have been misunderstood here so I will attempt to explain a bit better...

 

When SSH and I first started talking about swinging, I was not really interested. Even when we started actively swinging, I liked it (a lot) but if it wasn't for him, I would of never gotten into it. I could of been perfectly happy being monogamous. But since we have started, it is something I very much enjoy. You see it "grew" on me. I believe the situation you describe is more if a partner says "absolutely not" or "we tried it and I don't like it" or some variation of that. It was never like that with us really. It was more "meh, if you want to" that became "can we hook up with this couple next weekend pls pls plsssssssssssss" lol

 

With BDSM, I get the impression (I could be totally wrong...) that it couldn't necessarily happen that way. If I am naturally submissive, I don't see any amount of "training" making me dominant. No matter how much I want to do it to please my partner (and everyone, please take this the right way.... when I say do it to please my partner, I don't mean that he is forcing me or that I'm doing it because I don't want to do it. I DO want to do it, I'm talking more personality traits than "taking one for the team") I can't force myself to have a dominant personality. Or maybe I can. I don't know. There are certainly personality traits that people possess that they don't like or they find don't suit their lives and they work to change them and can with a certain degree of success. But I'm not sure that applies here.

[SwingSetWife 444]

BTW, it just occurred to me what my biggest problem might be as far as all this goes. I have been assuming and applying that there is only one "right" way to go about this. I know I just need to relax and figure out what is right for us. All of it is a bit overwhelming though

[Lionheart72 2,189]

BTW, it just occurred to me what my biggest problem might be as far as all this goes. I have been assuming and applying that there is only one "right" way to go about this. I know I just need to relax and figure out what is right for us. All of it is a bit overwhelming though

 

 

BDSM has this weird mystique around it, but like swinging people who are into BDSM are just people. They range from super-intense people to ordinary folks who have taken casual spanking-during-sex to a next level. Most of the ones I've met are pretty relaxed and friendly. You might look in your local area and see if there are any BDSM groups which offer classes or social hang outs. Meeting some BDSM folks in a casual, comfortable environment might help dispel some of that mystique.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

BDSM has this weird mystique around it, but like swinging people who are into BDSM are just people. They range from super-intense people to ordinary folks who have taken casual spanking-during-sex to a next level. Most of the ones I've met are pretty relaxed and friendly. You might look in your local area and see if there are any BDSM groups which offer classes or social hang outs. Meeting some BDSM folks in a casual, comfortable environment might help dispel some of that mystique.

All of this is true. I know of the existence of a group like this who meet once a month in casual settings like restaurants. The problem with this group, I do not know about other such groups, is how would a curious person learn about the group? If I had not been told by a person who is engaged in this alternative lifestyle, I would never have know of its existence. It seems they cannot be found using a Google search owing to the fact that they, purposefully, have no Web presence.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

All of this is true. I know of the existence of a group like this who meet once a month in casual settings like restaurants. The problem with this group, I do not know about other such groups, is how would a curious person learn about the group? If I had not been told by a person who is engaged in this alternative lifestyle, I would never have know of its existence. It seems they cannot be found using a Google search owing to the fact that they, purposefully, have no Web presence.

 

Fetlife... at least for the BDSM community in my area, Fetlife is the Facebook of kink.

[SwingSetWife 444]

From what I understand, the group in my area is very active. I have looked at their website and also checked out their events on fetlife. The do something several days out of the week.

 

They do have seminars (classes) several times a month but they don't appear to be for the novice and my concern was the same as SW_PA, I can't exactly ask questions about bdsm at the local Chili's. Hahaha. but it is a good networking tool so we will join after we talk more about what we (think) want out of this.

[Mochacino 188]

I don't know how I missed this thread! I understand the problem you have as well. I was naturally submissive as well and never thought I could pull off being in charge. But it starts slowly just like learning anything new. You find your comfort level and you read, and talk to others, and then BAM! For me once I developed my alter ego It was easier to play pretend until I could do it without thinking about it, kinda a fake it till you make it thing! At this point the only person I am submissive to is hubby and I am a Domme in my own right. PM if you would like as well! Can't wait to hear about your journey!