Was I wrong

[D&D 362]

So it seems I may have made our first of many mistakes or at the very least a misstep.

 

I'm going to lead off with we are new to this, barely two months. So your thoughts would be helpful.

 

One of the first contacts did not turn out so well and it has escalated more than we find comfortable. The long story is that the person was never able to produce the other half of the couple. They blame it on the fact that while I was on a three day business trip I could not speak with either of them. Although we had been in contact over the course of three weeks. I am not going to go into a lot of details but the texting and style of communication led me to believe that there was no other half of the couple. Towards the end we made several explicite requests to talk with the her and was repeatedly told that she was to busy and that our chance to talk to her was missed during my three day business trip. Even though my wife could talk to him on the phone on a daily basis. Finally my wife just asked him to let her talk to his wife. He took a week to reply back and then only ask when we were going to meet. We politely said that it just wasn't going to work out between us

 

A week later we met a great couple, here on vacation. (yes they took our virginity... cant remain a newbie forever) Of course as the evening progressed we all started talking, with us doing mostly asking. However, they asked us about an individual who had contacted them when they posted that they were coming down for a vacation. The person had set up a meeting and then showed up with out the other half because she was "working". This couple told him that when he produced the other half they would be happy to play. Of course the other half was never produced. And this individual never replied back with any excuse. The funny thing is when the couple said his profile name it was the same as individual that we encountered. We had a very good laugh about that because we thought the odds would be pretty low that both of us would talk to the same guy. The other couple said this individual is probably hitting on newbies like us or out of towners

 

Forward a couple of weeks and we get an invite from another couple that is coming in to town for a vacation. While we are setting up a time to get some dinner we tell them about this guy. We explicitely told them that we did not not know if he had a wife, but we were never able to talk to her and neither was another couple who actually met him. They replied thanks for the advice and laughingly, said that they would tell their story about him when we met for dinner. As it turns out that they also were never able to talk to the wife.

 

 

Today we received a threatening email from this guy, but before I could read it he recalled it. I could still get the email because it was forwarded to my offsite email account. The upshot is that he is pissed about being outed to other couples we meet.

 

So the question I have is should I have outed this profile to the last couple we met. The first couple we met outed him to us. So we have only brought him up once. I don't think it is wrong to warn other people about this kind of behavior. This is not warning someone about something that I subjectively find unpleasing, like saying they were a poor lover. This is outright disingenuous.

 

I am curious as to what the consensus is on this.

 

Thanks

[shrevecouple 252]

Yes and no..lol

 

I think you should assume that we are all adults and these people could have figured this out for themselves IF they had contact with this guy. If a couple cares if he is "attached" or not...they will find out. On the other hand I think it was cruddy of them to out you for saying something.

 

Think about that. How else would he have known to flame you if someone handn't specifically pointed you out as the people who ratted him out. It's probably best just to remain mum about this type of thing unless you like inviting extra drama in your life.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

Best to limit the answer to any inquiry to either yes, we know them, or no, we don't know them, without elaborating. The appropriate answer for the case you described would have been we don't know them because, having never met, you really did not. This is not only to avoid a possible retaliation but just out of a sense or propriety. You would not want people talking about you, would you?

 

~Michael

[D&D 362]

Ok I can see the point about not bringing the drama on. I certainly brought it on as we could have just let it go and chalk it up as a learning experience. Actually my wife is laughing about it.

Just moving on and not saying anything was probably the best move. As started with I am sure this just the first in a long line of mistakes. It's an interesting realization to find out that I am the drama....

[angelkin 1,326]

The good thing is that your mis-step isn't likely going to result in any issue with the locals. As others have said, best to remain impartial and leave your answers short and based in fact. I wouldn't sweat it.

[slevin 1,374]

I don't think it's worthwhile to out someone like this. If it comes up in conversation with someone telling a story like the first couple did, then it's cool to tell your story. If it ends up being the same person it's a great laugh. No point in specifically bringing it up though. Best to just move on.

[junglecouple 127]

Just curious detail.

You said you "received a threatening email from this guy, but before I could read it he recalled it."

 

I don't know of a function in any email program that can "recall" an email once it's sent. Especially since you already received it.. How did he get it back from your email box? Just curious.

[D&D 362]

Jungle,

 

Swing life style has a recall function in their internal email system. You can recall an email as long as the recipient hasnt read it. Once the recipient has read an email it cannot be recalled.

 

I only noticed that it was sent because a notice from SLS was sent to my personal email.

 

 

Thanks everybody for the comments.

[slevin 1,374]

Just curious detail.

You said you "received a threatening email from this guy, but before I could read it he recalled it."

 

I don't know of a function in any email program that can "recall" an email once it's sent. Especially since you already received it.. How did he get it back from your email box? Just curious.

 

Although this was referring to an SLS message, MS Exchange and Outlook have this feature. Although, the user who received the message gets a popup saying that you want to recall it. They have to accept to allow you to recall it, which removes it from their inbox. So they can choose not to recall and read the message instead. It's not a very useful feature.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

If I'm honest with myself, I imagine we would have done the same thing that you did with the first couple.

 

With the second couple, we wouldn't have made a preemptive first strike. If they asked us about that particular member, we would probably share what we experienced when contacted and let them draw their own conclusions. It may not be the best action to take, but it is what we'd do.

 

Live and learn. Sounds like you two have the right attitude about it, so file it away and take what you can from it.

[DigginIt 1,132]

He is a jackass, why do you even care if he's mad at you? Unless you feel he may physically escalate this I say, fuck him. You have to think...someone that goes through the trouble to pretend to be a couple, then actually go out to meet a real couple and then try pull off a rouse like this has to have a few screws loose upstairs.

 

I tell funny stories all the time about dates gone wrong. We had a guy after us for 2 weeks about a cheap $5 pair of sunglasses. He was really going overboard on the demands for the return of his glasses it's still one of our favorite stories to swap with other couples.

 

There is this nice little button on Swing Lifestyle, when you are looking at his profile that says 'report' and it's anonymous. I'd report the guy as a single meeting people under false pretenses. You would be providing a service to all the other people who's time he is going to waste in the future.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Good for you DigginIt-- I agree with you and saying F.I to the lying single guy. And we share stories too--- some are just too funny not to share! Like the cpl we said no to but the guy proceeds to feel me up when we gave a hug good bye. And he wonders why we said no........ LOL. I remember your sunglasses story... very funny too.

 

 

He is a jackass, why do you even care if he's mad at you? Unless you feel he may physically escalate this I say, fuck him. You have to think...someone that goes through the trouble to pretend to be a couple, then actually go out to meet a real couple and then try pull off a rouse like this has to have a few screws loose upstairs.

 

I tell funny stories all the time about dates gone wrong. We had a guy after us for 2 weeks about a cheap $5 pair of sunglasses. He was really going overboard on the demands for the return of his glasses it's still one of our favorite stories to swap with other couples.

 

There is this nice little button on Swing Lifestyle, when you are looking at his profile that says 'report' and it's anonymous. I'd report the guy as a single meeting people under false pretenses. You would be providing a service to all the other people who's time he is going to waste in the future.

[D&D 362]

Dig,

 

I'm perfectly ok with him being mad at me. His anger at being outed is his problem. It's more the escalation I didn't like. And frankly I could have avoided that fairly easily by sumply moving on. Of course we all are going to talk about our experiences, the moral, take from this is to leave specifics out of the conversation.

 

But you know what, I would have liked someone to warn me not to have wasted my time with this guy. So while I understand completely that I should have just been glad nothing more happened and moved on i guess I was thinking from that perspective. That isn't a justification just an explanation.

 

Thanks to everybody who has commented. On a broader note: it's interesting that what we should do is kind of obvious in many cases and yet we still moved hastily down a different path.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to agree with most of what everyone else has said. In general, it's not a good idea to go into specifics with others, or to invite drama. No gossiping is a good rule of thumb. The way I look at it is if someone is there talking about other couples to me, what are they saying about me later?

 

That's not to say that we don't all share stories, we just don't typically share specifics. Now with that first couple when they they told their story and it so closely lined up with yours, I can see how that would have easily lead to "I wonder if it's the same guy, was it..." after you both shared your similar tales.

 

With the second couple, I wouldn't have shared and I wouldn't share in the future warnings about others. It's up to each of us to determine who is right for us and others have said, if they have brains they'll figure it out (if they care). If they don't care then it doesn't matter.

 

I would also question whether or not I'd want to meet this second couple after they obviously outted you to this guy. However, I doubt you really have anything to worry about from the guy. He obviously figured out the error of his ways and recalled that message. I doubt you'll hear much from him. Although, I would be a little concerned as it sounds like he may have your phone number? Hopefully, it's not your home number and you can just block his calls (if he attempts to call).

 

That said, I'd say report this guys profile and your experience to SLS, they may likely remove him.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Dig,

 

But you know what, I would have liked someone to warn me not to have wasted my time with this guy.

 

Exactly how I feel.

 

And if the post didn't convey it, I was on your side but just the whole screw him attitude was meant to sound as a pep talk

[D&D 362]

Julie,

 

Thanks I have to agree with what you say. I only add that SLS has all the details. I did not report him for posing or anything else. but did forward them his email to me along with an apology for my actions. I did not aak them to do anything only apologized for what I did.

 

I don't know that the second couple was the one who told him it was us. Perhaps that is why he recalled his email to me- because he wasn't sure it was me who talked. While south Florida has a relatively large active community it isn't really all that large. And word eventually gets around. While I certainly was one who talked it may well have been someone else who outed him. In anycase while we will talk to the other couple I really don't want to drag them into it anymore than I already have.

 

Dig,

 

I know you were on my side. Thanks!

[Alura 2,773]

I'm just a hick Okie and I don't pretend to be an expert on swinger etiquette, but I don't think you owe someone who is trying to mislead you anything, including discretion.

 

Outing him was a service to the community.

 

Anyone, in my opinion, who is entering the lifestyle should know that he is obligated to show proof that he is what he says he is. That he wasn't shows that just doesn't get it and is probably not married at all or is trying to cheat on his wife.

 

I disagree with those who said, "Fuck him!" I say, "Don't fuck him!"

 

Alura

 

Sent from Florida on White Fox's obnoxious PC.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have to agree with Alura on this one. If they guy can't produce a mate, he's playing everyone. I think you did people a big favor.

 

OTOH, I can see being discreet and everything, but seriously, why not warn others of someones dishonesty? It could save somebody a lot of time and troubles.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I disagree with those who said, "Fuck him!" I say, "Don't fuck him!"

 

:lol: You made me laugh.

[Alura 2,773]

:lol: You made me laugh.

 

That does my heart proud, DigginIt!

 

By the way, nice state y'all have here. White Fox and I spent the afternoon on the beach. Nice cool breezes and lots of sunshine!

 

Alura

[D&D 362]

An update,

 

So our suspicions about this guy are correct! Apparently this guy targets newbies like us. At our first house party we met a couple we both we interested in. Didnt do anything with them at the house party but we met them for a nice dinner a couple of days later. Since it turns out that we were more experienced than they,just barely, they asked us a lot if questions about how to meet other couples and how we evaluate prospects. Of course we told them we didn't really have any good advice on that except to follow your gut feeling. We're so new to this it is probably better For us to not advise anyone. So they begin to describe a profile that contacted

them and guess what it's the same guy that contacted us. They had the same experience as us. That makes four couples we know who have had the same experience with this profile.

 

At this point I don't feel bad at all now about outing him. Good riddance!

[Swinging Oz 15]

I think you did the right thing. I would be glad that you warned me about someone potentially trying lure newbies. Good on you. Keep doing you due diligence and yes, your gut is is the best judge.

[PB&J 1,086]

I still fantasize about two guys like this meeting up... and finding that there is no wife at either end. That would be so so very sweet.

[D&D 362]

I still fantasize about two guys like this meeting up... and finding that there is no wife at either end. That would be so so very sweet.

 

Oh that made me laugh!!!

[Alura 2,773]

I see nothing wrong with "outing" a liar. We owe nothing to one who misleads.

 

Alura