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Not disappointed - but wife doesn't believe me

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Ever since I arranged for Mrs. Sunbuckus to have a threesome with another man and myself, I had hoped that she would secretly surprise me with another threesome, but with another woman and herself.

 

Well, I thought that if any night would be appropriate, it would be tonight, but as it happens, it was not to be. Mrs. Sunbuckus seems to think I expect to have playtime seven nights a week, which, I can assure you, is not what I expect.

 

I have tried many ways to make it clear to Mrs. Sunbuckus that I am happy with her and whatever extra play happens is just bonus, but she has been moping around clearly believing that I am disappointed in her for not arranging a threesome this evening.

 

I know how hard it can be to get another woman over, and I really don't have any set of expectations for the lifestyle except to have fun with Mrs. Sunbuckus when the occasion presents itself.

 

How do you more experienced couples manage expectations and letting your significant other know there's no expectations except for whatever happens happens? :surrend:

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Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

 

I know, I sound like a broken record, but that really is the best answer I have.

 

If you say one thing and mean something else, or don't say anything and expect your partner to read your mind, you are undermining the trust and honesty that is the true heart of swinging.

 

Make communication, openness and honesty a central part of every aspect of your life together, so that she always knows that you mean what you say... whether you're saying you enjoyed dinner, or didn't like that TV show or love being with her.

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Open and honest communication.

 

It is the only way your expectations will be clear to one another. The only way.

 

In the beginning it will take time and you guys should go at a pace that you are comfortable with.

 

At this point, all you can do is reassure her that there is no expectation for play dates and times.

 

Talk to her... let her talk to you and listen to one another.

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But what happens if someone claims they are being honest and really aren't?

 

I know my wife sometimes tells me what I want to hear just to make me happy and to avoid conflict.

 

Sure, I understand to be the ultimate swinging couple their must be total honesty but nobody is perfect.

 

If one half of the couple does something they don't want to do just to make the other half happy, is that wrong?

 

No relationship of any kind is exactly 50/50 in every aspect.

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Mrs. Sunbuckus here--as you can see, a rare post from Mr. Sunbuckus!

 

I don't expect or think that he wants playtime 7 days a week. But I do know that he was hoping for playtime last night and as much as he will hem and haw about it...I think that hoping turned into expectation which leads to disappointment when it goes unfulfilled. Sorry, honey. And I understand being disappointed because I was also disappointed last night in not being able to find an available playmate. Take into account that it's a work night and we only have a couple of interests that are willing at this moment, the stars weren't lined up for last night in particular. Perhaps another night sometime soon but not the one night that he was hoping to be surprised.

 

Mr. Sunbuckus jokes around with me a lot and I will admit, sometimes you aren't sure if he is being serious or not serious. A lot of people who don't get his humor will just smile and nod but I can usually tell when he's trying to be funny. Same goes for when he really wants something. He will talk about it randomly several times a day because it is on his mind constantly. This was the case for his "surprise" FMF...although, how can it be a surprise if he feels it coming up??

 

Anyways, yes, I did mope around last night because it sucks having that feeling that you've let your spouse down even though you tried your best to meet their expectations but failed. So whether or not he was disappointed or not (he was, stop arguing with me, dear!) in the end, I was disappointed myself.

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I have to agree with the Mrs. I can see she is right just by reading the Mr's post.

 

It seems he's been hoping for "payback" in the form of an fmf since the mfm and the Mrs. knows this and this turns into "i must do this for him i am letting him down" because just like she said he casually mentions it here and there not realizing how often he is bringing it up because he is so excited hoping he gets "surprised" on a particular date...not just any time. LOL

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Not just communicate but believe your partner. Mrs S....moping didn't bring you two closer, did it? I do my best to set aside neg feelings and believe my partner when he says he is happy just the way it is. If I accept his statement of his feelings as true, we have lots more fun times together!

 

And Doug, if your partner is lying to you....you are in deep shit dude....if you just think she is and she isn't...same deep hole to fall and crash your relationship on. If it can be fixed so you two communicate and believe each other, great. If not, I think should worry the relationship can't last a lifetime and be close true friends. Best of luck dude.

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Not just communicate but believe your partner. Mrs S....moping didn't bring you two closer, did it? I do my best to set aside neg feelings and believe my partner when he says he is happy just the way it is. If I accept his statement of his feelings as true, we have lots more fun times together!

 

tribbles, you are correct, moping didn't bring us closer, I will concede to that. And yes, I could have acted in a more appropriate manner. However, I felt that he wasn't being honest with himself or with me. He was disappointed. And I was disappointed in not being able to give him what he wanted. When it was clear to me that he wasn't being true to himself about his real feelings, I started to mope. I will not pretend to take his words at face value and pretend to be happy when I know better. He may be able to fool himself into believing that he wasn't expecting anything but I know him better than he thinks.

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I felt that he wasn't being honest with himself or with me. He was disappointed. And I was disappointed in not being able to give him what he wanted.

 

Did you both talk out all of the above?

 

I know being disappointed happens but it doesn't have to be a big deal. For him wanting something or for you not being able to give it.

 

Heck, sometimes both being disappointed, owning your feelings, not blaming anyone, can bring you closer together.

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Did you both talk out all of the above?

 

I know being disappointed happens but it doesn't have to be a big deal. For him wanting something or for you not being able to give it.

 

Heck, sometimes both being disappointed, owning your feelings, not blaming anyone, can bring you closer together.

 

We'll be talking about it some more tonight, no doubt. And thanks...I'm the type of person that happens to find a way to blame myself for things, even when it seems to everyone else that it isn't my fault. (Like blaming myself that my phone got stolen.)

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Slow down...seeing a trend with the posts. Maybe it's because I have my therapist hat on right now but there's a trend. As I recall you all are newer to the lifestyle. It's not like you already have this go to circle of friends yet that you can call upon to say "come on over and screw us". Finding people takes time and even more time for quality people. So my advice is to slow it up and enjoy the ride. Swinging is not a race but a nice leisure walk in a beautiful park if you allow it. Feelings already hurt can only be the first of many issues that can arise if feelings and wirds are not communicated to a partner. Communicate communicate communicate.

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Slow down...seeing a trend with the posts. Maybe it's because I have my therapist hat on right now but there's a trend. As I recall you all are newer to the lifestyle. It's not like you already have this go to circle of friends yet that you can call upon to say "come on over and screw us". Finding people takes time and even more time for quality people. So my advice is to slow it up and enjoy the ride. Swinging is not a race but a nice leisure walk in a beautiful park if you allow it. Feelings already hurt can only be the first of many issues that can arise if feelings and wirds are not communicated to a partner. Communicate communicate communicate.

 

I can't agree with this more....you guys are VERY new at this. Its not a sprint to the finish, its more like a marathon. Swinging, if it becomes a tit-for-tat thing is never good. We rarely play when we go out because mrs always seems to be dissapointed in the male partners being selfish and not trying to please her. She loves going out to partys but hates the inevitable so we usually wind up playing together which is just fine for us.

 

You guys need to slow down, waaaay down and enjoy each other FIRST before you worry about who else you are bringing around. I can only see bad things happening if you continue this way.

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Slow down...seeing a trend with the posts. Maybe it's because I have my therapist hat on right now but there's a trend. As I recall you all are newer to the lifestyle. It's not like you already have this go to circle of friends yet that you can call upon to say "come on over and screw us". Finding people takes time and even more time for quality people. So my advice is to slow it up and enjoy the ride. Swinging is not a race but a nice leisure walk in a beautiful park if you allow it. Feelings already hurt can only be the first of many issues that can arise if feelings and wirds are not communicated to a partner. Communicate communicate communicate.

 

This is good advice. It does seem to take time and patience to find situations you want.

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Wow, a lot of great advice already, so i won't go there.

 

We are all disappointed from time to time. That's life and that's the breaks.

 

What I would say, is that the opportunity to have an exciting titillating evening with the one I love is always welcome. If a play partner(s) doesn't show, or if we just can't arrange it, that usually leaves us with an empty nest, increased libido, nice wine and her wearing a hot thong, not much else :cool: and, this is important, a night alone. This is rare for us.

 

I say make the best of it. Get him his favorite beverage, sit him down and tell him you'll be right back. Head down the hall, change into your sexist outfit, put on a wig, use a new perfume, bring a blindfold an shake your sexy ass all way back to the one you love. Let him smell you, touch you, want YOU. Shake your bits and blindfold him. Then talk dirty, do something you generally don't do, or act out a fantasy you've both talked about. Be creative and have the best sex ever.

 

I guarantee, he'll forget all about the missed opportunity and you'll both sleep better.

 

There is always another day, but you'll never get back last night so take advantage and have no regrets. Then, come and tell all of us what happened.:D

 

Steve

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