Want to swing, my wife is not open to idea. Any advice?

[trent2 15]

Hello everyone I am a married male. I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea. I am looking to see if people here are in the same situation and advise from people who have experience in this area. I am not bi but just have the desire to see my wife being pleasured by/with another man.

 

Thank you!

[truckerbuddy 127]

 

 

have you asked your lovely wife to join reading the thread the board has to offer? There is a lot of info in/on here. Maybe if she see the responses from the ladies on here, just maybe she will have a different feeling about it all.

 

BUT. Please don't make her do so. Let her come in/on when she wants to.

 

The best thing you can do is... talk to her about it. but do not push her. If you do... she will hate it even more.

 

I hope this can help.

[Guest cpl4funindel]

Hi there, and welcome to the Board!

 

First off, from our experience to succeed in this lifestyle requires that both members of a couple be completely on the same page as to what you want from it, and what you're comfortable with. If she's hesitant about even the idea of doing it, then pushing her will only make it a rift between the two of you.

 

Now, if you're concerned she doesn't have a good picture about what this is all about, having her read these forums is absolutely a great resource to give her all the information she needs to make a determination. We've found the postings here to be invaluable as we've progressed in the LifeStyle.

 

Either way, don't rush her and you may find she comes along on her own... Or not. No matter what, it needs to be something you decide on and do together... We like to think of it as a "Team Sport". ?

 

Just my .02. Good luck!

[TNT 1,155]

trent2 said:

I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea.

 

Welcome to the Board!

 

Your question is not the first of its kind, nor will it be the last.

 

The best advice anyone can give you is to talk to your wife. If you cannot have open and honest communication with each other and RESPECT each others wishes, swinging will not work.

 

To be successful in swinging it CANNOT be just about what you want, it must also be about what your wife wants. You said you have a desire to see you wife pleasured by/with another man...she too must have this desire or it's a no go.

 

Talk to your wife, explaining to her why you have this fantasy/desire. Swinging is a big shift in the way most people view sex. She might or she might not ever be able to make that shift in her way of thinking. Listen to her and ask that she listen to you. Even if she never decides that swinging is something that is right for her, having a relationship where you both can communicate openly with each other is never a bad thing. You cannot change your wife's mind for her, you can only plant a seed to a different way of thinking.

 

Teresa

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Trent. TNT is right. In order to give you any advice beyond what she has said, please answer the following questions.

 

1. Can you and your wife talk about anything and everything in an open and honest way?

 

2. How have you brought up the subject of swinging to your wife thus far?

 

3. How open is your wife sexually? Does she talk openly with you about your sex life? Do you watch porn together? Do you enjoy toys in the bedroom together? Watch each other masturbate?

 

4. Why do you want to swing? What do you hope to get out of it?

[IvoryTowers 380]

You want to "share" your wife when she doesn't want to be shared and you want ideas about how to make her change her mind.

 

Do you understand how this can seem offensive? You want to fulfill an fantasy and use your wife like a prop or a doll in doing so. This desire has nothing to do with her pleasure, in fact, the direct opposite, since you want to make it happen against her will.

 

By all means, talk to your wife about your fantasies and desires, and listen to hers. I'm all for both sexual adventuring and helping partners realize fantasies. But please don't come to here and ask for advice about manipulating or forcing your partner to do something!

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

Echo IvoryTowers, and further up TNT. Plant seeds, yes. Try to convince, no. Talk at length, yes. Treat it like a debate team contest, no.

 

My wife brought up the idea of swinging, but she was fairly reluctant to the idea at first. It wasn't a question of finding what "worked" with her. For me, it was most definitely a matter of finding out what would make her happy, how she discovered herself, and how I could help.

 

My wife takes great pleasure from me getting pleasure in watching her being pleasured (phew, what as sentence!). But, I've made it absolutely clear to her and she readily acknowledges that she will only play if she wants to, for her own pleasure, for her own desires. My pleasure is absolutely secondary to that. I would never, ever be happy watching her have sex with someone else knowing she was doing it primarily for me, or to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

 

No, I love watching her have sex with other men because I thoroughly enjoy doing everything I can to make her the happiest, most self actualized person she can be. Casting aside society's rules and helping her to fulfill her sexual dreams and desires and satisfy the sexual creature she is, is my goal. Kissing her deeply, and passionately while she is having sex with someone else is an incredible feeling, knowing how fulfilled *she* is feeling. I could never have that feeling knowing she was doing it for me or because of what I wanted.

 

Plant the seeds with your wife. Don't push. Discuss. It can take a lot of time. The fact that you could plant the seeds without her running for the hills is a step in the right direction, but it's just a step. There's many more, and you've got a tremendous resource here in this forum to help you along the way.

[almost40 15]

bbarnsworth said:

 

Plant the seeds with your wife. Don't push. Discuss. It can take a lot of time. The fact that you could plant the seeds without her running for the hills is a step in the right direction, but it's just a step. There's many more, and you've got a tremendous resource here in this forum to help you along the way.

 

May I ask: when you say plant the seeds, what worked for you?

[NCfuncouple98 367]

Mr NC brought it up in conversations for a couple of years, I never really took him seriously about it.

 

After nice romantic evenings together, the right intimacy, whatever, he just found moments where we were really communicating to bring it up "in passing". I still didn't take it seriously.

 

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

 

So what was the magic seed that finally blossomed? Can't really tell you. Each person is different, each couple relates differently, and the conversations we had could have the opposite effect for you.

 

You know your wife. You know this is something of interest to you. Now you need to communicate with your wife honestly and openly, and if she says "No Way", well, maybe that means NEVER, and maybe it's just not the right time.

 

Our earlier conversations were about a 3some with another male or female, and that helped open the door. Honestly the thought of swapping with another couple, back then, would've completely turned me away. Things change.

 

Mrs NC.

[trent2 15]

Perhaps I didn't phrase is correctly. I would never do anything to any such effect, I love my wife dearly. We have been married seven years and plan to spend the rest of my life with her. What I mean is that it has become a fantasy of mine but we have NEVER discussed anything like this before. She is completely fine with the fantasy but she is less open to the idea of actually doing anything. I told her that it would turn me on to see her being please and would only enjoy such an encounter if it would make her happy being pleased by more than one man. It's hard to get her to open up about anything sexual. It's hard to get to know what she wants. To let you know how far away we probably are from ever doing anything in reality. She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it. When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

 

I guess the point I wanted to make is that I am not a jerk or worse who wanted to use my wife as a doll for my pleasures. I want to know how this may effect our sexual relationship and how women think about it. I know everyone is different. She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

 

Just looking for information on sexual relationships, not how to make someone do something they don't want to do.

[trent2 15]

Mr NC brought it up in conversations for a couple of years, I never really took him seriously about it.

 

After nice romantic evenings together, the right intimacy, whatever, he just found moments where we were really communicating to bring it up "in passing". I still didn't take it seriously.

 

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

 

So what was the magic seed that finally blossomed? Can't really tell you. Each person is different, each couple relates differently, and the conversations we had could have the opposite effect for you.

 

You know your wife. You know this is something of interest to you. Now you need to communicate with your wife honestly and openly, and if she says "No Way", well, maybe that means NEVER, and maybe it's just not the right time.

 

Our earlier conversations were about a 3some with another male or female, and that helped open the door. Honestly the thought of swapping with another couple, back then, would've completely turned me away. Things change.

 

Mrs NC.

Thank you ! I needed to hear something like that. Thank you to everyone who understands my situation. I never realized I would have so much information and people willing to offer advice! Which leads me to think that it can work and be a very pleasurable experience when everything works out. It may never manifest into reality, but you have all given me great advice and a better idea on the situation and how to approach it.

Thank you I will be back reading often.

[trent2 15]

bbarnsworth said:

My wife takes great pleasure from me getting pleasure in watching her being pleasured (phew, what as sentence!). But, I've made it absolutely clear to her and she readily acknowledges that she will only play if she wants to, for her own pleasure, for her own desires. My pleasure is absolutely secondary to that. I would never, ever be happy watching her have sex with someone else knowing she was doing it primarily for me, or to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

Absolutely, it really is all about her. When she is happy that is what turns me on the most. I'm a giver I guess.

[LFM2 1,482]

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

 

Very good post, Mrs. NC!!

 

Hi Trent! I want to formally you to the board! There really are some great people here with some great advice.

 

You sound like many husbands/wives who come in and ask how to get their spouses to swing. Well, one way doesn't work for everyone. It's the old proverbial getting a horse to water but you can't make him drink scenario. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but actually convincing her that this is what she wants is not up to you. Just to reiterate, she does have to want this, too. Some couples, no matter how much they love each other, no matter how much they talk are never meant to swing and that's OK.

 

When my husband brought it up to me the first time, he'd talk about the fantasies. He never pushed or prodded. But if I asked him questions, he was honest about what he wanted. Now, even though we were totally monogamous for those two plus decades, I always had my inner fantasies that I didn't share with him. My inner self told me that people shouldn't be monogamous, but society tells us different. I kept my vanilla tiara firmly planted on my skull.

 

A month or two go by and he brings it up again. Not pushy, but just planting those seeds.

 

If you read the threads here, you know that communication is paramount in starting and maintaining a healthy swinging relationship. Being totally honest in your feelings is a priority. Of course I had the "what ifs" when Dave and I first talked about it. What if she's prettier than I am? What if she's better than I am? What if she's this or that? It was a never ending self-esteem issue with me.

 

If your wife gets to the point where she's willing to talk, chat about it over coffee at the kitchen table. That's neutral territory. When you talk about threesomes or couples in the bedroom, it seems that maybe the fantasy only comes up when you two are making love. Does that make sense?

 

Bringing her to this board and looking through threads is an excellent idea. This is where I came for research before even thinking about swinging with my husband. Well, I asked questions, I read threads until I thought my eyes would fall out. I learned, I talked with my husband more and then we talked more and more again. We talked outside the bedroom about what we both wanted. We made rules.

 

Like Mrs. NC... I was the queen of vanillatown. It took some time, but it wasn't pushed or shoved on me. We talked about it rationally.

 

We really both wish you good luck!

[TNT 1,155]

Perhaps I didn't phrase is correctly. I would never do anything to any such effect, I love my wife dearly. We have been married seven years and plan to spend the rest of my life with her. What I mean is that it has become a fantasy of mine but we have NEVER discussed anything like this before. She is completely fine with the fantasy but she is less open to the idea of actually doing anything. I told her that it would turn me on to see her being please and would only enjoy such an encounter if it would make her happy being pleased by more than one man. It's hard to get her to open up about anything sexual. It's hard to get to know what she wants. To let you know how far away we probably are from ever doing anything in reality. She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it. When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

 

I guess the point I wanted to make is that I am not a jerk or worse who wanted to use my wife as a doll for my pleasures. I want to know how this may effect our sexual relationship and how women think about it. I know everyone is different. She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

 

Just looking for information on sexual relationships, not how to make someone do something they don't want to do.

 

Thanks for coming back and elaborating a bit more. It definitely helps with understanding when a better picture is drawn

 

It seems you've taken the first step...building the trust it takes to be open with each other. Many women are raised with a repressed view of sex and sexuality. For them to even be able to entertain the possibility of changing that view takes time and an enormous amount of trust in their partner and themselves.

 

From the way I'm interrupting this, with the fact that your wife just watched her first porn movie, it seems she has a very narrow view of sex. The first step in possibly working your way into maybe having a threesome some time in the future is to change her view of sex. She has to come to a realization that it's something that does not necessarily have to be kept in a nice, neat little box. She has to not only understand from you that no matter what it is where sex is concerned, that you're okay with it, that you're not going to judge her or think she's weird...as well as, giving herself permission that's it okay to explore some of her deeper inner thoughts and share those with you.

 

For some the ability to be totally open and honest about all things sexual with their partner is easy, for others it takes time. There's nothing wrong with taking as much time as is necessary.

 

I would suggest forgetting about working towards a possible threesome at this point and concentrate on you and your wife building and exploring a sexual relationship with each other where when a question is asked by either of you there is no fear of the question being a "trap" , but that it's just a question asked for the purpose of understanding each other better and building a deeper trust in each other.

 

Once you've reached a point where sharing your sexual fantasies with each other and asking any question in the book without fear has become second nature, then you've reached the point where the possibility of exploring your sexuality with others becomes a fun and non-threatening idea.

 

Continue to read the board and even bring your wife here to read. It may seem like the only thing that is discussed here is swinging sex but on a deeper level we do discuss what it takes to build that strong relationship foundation that allows for the possibility of swinging to become a reality.

 

Teresa

[The Fuse 1,012]

I would suggest forgetting about working towards a possible threesome at this point and concentrate on you and your wife building and exploring a sexual relationship with each other where when a question is asked by either of you there is no fear of the question being a "trap" , but that it's just a question asked for the purpose of understanding each other better and building a deeper trust in each other.

Teresa

 

Wonderful suggestion and so well said. Just think of how much fun the two of you can have exploring with just the two of you.

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

may i ask: when you say plant the seeds, what worked for you?

 

I'll answer this by responding to another quote here...

 

She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it.

 

and use a quote from TNT to begin the response

 

Many women are raised with a repressed view of sex and sexuality.

 

BINGO.

 

Our society has a dizzying array of expectations of us. It is very, very hard for most people to work outside of those expectations. "You just got married and you never want to have children? What's wrong with you?" is one example. People are routinely pressured to remain within typical expectations of normal behavior.

 

When you go of script, the world goes nuts. Swinging is definitely off script.

 

See, little girls don't dream of being swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor and carried off to the altar in a white horse drawn carriage...and then having threesomes, foursomes and moresomes with their husband and many other men.

 

Definitely off script.

 

When my wife and I first ventured into swinging, I wanted (and of course still do) my wife to be fulfilled, self actualized and happy. A couple of years before she brought up the subject, we'd been investigating purchasing a Sybian (look it up if need be). They're expensive, and we didn't want to buy one only to find it wasn't pleasurable for her. I found a local swing club that had a Sybian, offering the possibility she could try one out before we bought one. I suggested we could go, only for the reason of trying out the Sybian. The idea of my wife having sex with other people wasn't objectionable to me then either, but my point wasn't trying to go sideways into swinging. I wanted her to try out the Sybian, and that's. We did talk tangentially about swinging, but not in the sense of us trying it out. I think that time period planted seeds though that slowly grew with her.

 

Shortly after my wife brought up the subject of swinging again, we had bed room fantasies about it. It became very, very obvious to me that my wife was extremely turned on by the idea. The problem was she wasn't acknowledging it to herself. Every time I'd bring up the subject, she'd get turned on. With support to let her know I was fully in support of her fantasies becoming reality, she started acknowledging how erotic it all was to her, and how much she really did want to do it. I remember her waking me up one morning, and she was very turned on. She'd woken up thinking about sex with multiple men and it was driving her crazy.

 

Once she acknowledged how much she really wanted to do it, at least on a physical level, the rest was history. It took some time to talk through things, work out rules, expectations, etc. But, helping her realize how erotic it all was to her is what made the difference. What was equally important, if not more so, was that I was along for the ride. Had the ride turned away from swinging, we would have been just as happy. All I was doing was putting gas in the car; she was doing the driving.

 

Getting past society's expectations and rules and communicating honestly and openly with yourself is hard.

 

When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

 

Slam on the brakes here...

 

If you can't communicate honestly with your wife, keep working at the communication until you can. With my wife I told her explicitly that I of course would love to have sex with other women...who wouldn't? What I added on was that there was NO way I was going to without her full acceptance, knowledge, and encouragement. We're a team, and we do this together. Period. In actual swinging activities, we both have absolute power over each other; no means no, doesn't require an explanation, and doesn't involve a debate. It is important to both of us that we always work together and always both have full control over what goes on.

 

If you're sensing a trap in talking with your wife, head right into it but disarm the trap; you're a team. Period.

 

She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

 

You can help her realize her sexual self and fantasies. Based on what you said about the porn movie, sounds like you're on the way.

 

There's a series of videos called "Screw my wife please". There's something like 50 DVDs in the series. Before my wife had swinging sex with other men, I'd found this series and suggested them to my wife. A week later, she bought two DVDs in the series, and we watched them. They were very erotic to my wife, and she was very turned on watching them. Keep in mind my wife is NOT into porn. But, she was seeing her fantasy come to life on the TV. It wasn't long after that when I finally got to see her have sex with another man.

[JustMrJ 178]

I agree with the last two or three posts. You two need that open and honest communication about sex, not to mention ANYTHING else for a healthy marriage/relationship. And this means any subject, any time... dinner, breakfast, lunch, dressing in the morning, watching TV, etc.

 

Now, the next step is for the both of you to find out what you want out of your sex lives TOGETHER.

 

Somewhere down the road, that may mean swinging, or it may mean just the two of you enjoying your own 'thing', whatever that may be.

 

Never push, always communicate and love.

 

*HUGS*

[Ready4us 15]

Hello everyone I am a married male. I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea. I am looking to see if people here are in the same situation and advise from people who have experience in this area. I am not bi but just have the desire to see my wife being pleasured by/with another man.

Thank you !

 

We are almost in the same boat. She stopped when we got married and I want to get right back in swinging. I miss it sooooo much. I think your situation is a little easier, I would recommend for both of you visit a real nice swing club just SEE...no playing! And then talk some about it. May be she will worm-up to the idea.

[trent2 15]

Thanks for all the feedback!

 

It has all made things much clearer for me. Right now we are just going to focus on what we like right now and may explore fantasies down the road if the road leads us that way. It was something I needed to research and get feedback on from people who have been there. I see now that it isn't for everyone and it may not be for us, maybe it will be. Thank you all!

 

To each their own.

[curious2u 32]

Looking back my husband brought up the idea in a kinda clumsy, lovable way and I shot him down completely. In my opinion a woman who isn't ready just isn't ready - yet.

 

What I mean is we all grow at different speeds and had he not introduced the idea - the seed- I would never have ever gotten to the point where I let another man touch me in front of my husband. It took me years to accept the idea and my guy was relentless but not pushy. He pushed the idea without being too pushy. I was nonetheless opposed to the idea for a lot of reasons.

 

I suggest you come to terms with either never swinging with her or waiting until she comes around on her own terms. I really appreciate my husband hung in there, no pun intended, and now we are on the same page.

 

To assume that two people would agree on this subject the first time it is brought up is possible but I have been on a lot of forums and spoken to a few people who have similar experiences. It takes TIME and you must be patient. If you are patient and it was meant to be then you will be rewarded.

[Babysteps 63]

All I was doing was putting gas in the car; she was doing the driving.

 

What a great analogy!