Trying to talk my wife into swinging

[lhtss 15]

Hi. Trying to talk the wife into meeting some people, but no luck so far. What do I do ?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

How have your conversations with her gone so far?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I think you can talk to your wife about Swinging, or how you feel it might be something enjoyable for the both of you.

 

I wouldn't think you could talk her into it though. Not in that aspect at least.

 

It would be like talking someone into, jumping off a cliff.

 

That may sound silly to some, but swinging without the assurance of everything turning out fine... is scary.

 

How have you talked to her so far ?

 

What are her reactions or feelings ?

[rudrjunk 28]

Hi,

 

Swinging is and has been a topic of conversation for me and my wife for a very long time. Everyone will advise you that communication is a must. And I completely agree with that.

 

Swinging is a mindset that has to be nurtured and let mature. I have made mistakes in introducing my wife to others with the intent of swinging and we had even spoken about it. But then everything never happens as planned.

 

Keep your communication channels all open, but try not to badger her into taking over a swinging mindset. She will be ready when she will be ready.

 

My communication channels opened with my wife on the day after we got married. And it took her 18 years to have her breast massaged for 3 minutes by another person. This happened 3 weeks ago. Today, she wants to try being BI...Am I surprised? Hell yeah!. But it is upto her when she really wants to do something different.

 

So keep communicating with her and introduce her to this forum. Lots of experienced people/couples and tons of friendly advice.

 

Keep the fun going -

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

what do i do ?

 

 

See if you can get her to sign up here and talk about it. That is a good first step. If she has issues about swinging that she wants to discuss openly, this is THE place.

[realcplub2 513]

Swinging is, for couples, a partnership between BOTH people.

 

What do I mean by that, well, if BOTH parties are willing,m its all good, If both parties are honest with each other, its all good, and if they TALK about what they want, what they feel, or felt during whatever activity they pursue, then it is all good.

 

On the other hand, if one partner wants to do something, try something and the other isn't into it, or flat out doesn't want to.. its GAME OVER.. Both people need to be on the same page at all times.

 

Swinging by AMBUSH, is a perfect recipe for destruction.

 

Now as far as bringing a spouse to the idea of swinging, it can be as simple as discussing their fantasies. Most people harbor fantasies that involve faceless other people, as in multiple people. Ask Any guy, and they will tell you they have all had a moment or two where the idea of being with 2, 3, or however many more women at the same time appealed to him.. And women, according to studies, have the same in reverse, meaning entertaining multiple men... perhaps at the same time, or one after the other.

 

Discussing your fantasies as a couple can be cathartic, in that even though you have been with that person for many years, you may learn things you never knew... and they can learn things they never knew about you... Jeez, I didn't know you were always wanted to have sex at the top of a lighthouse...

 

So, our suggestion would be to start there. Once you get her to open up about what SHE wants, then see where that leads.

[az469 15]

look if your wife is not interested in swinging ,well thats it

you cannot force or concere her into it.

so it must stay a fanasty for now

[Willing29 66]

Can't be done! You can bring here to read postings on this board and you can talk to her about it but you cant "talk her into it". Maybe the first step is to get both of you to talk about your fantasies. Just like another post I made yesterday the word TALK keeps popping up. That's all you can do, is talk, talk talk. It's a start.

[midnightplayer 135]

I am pleased with this post and I agree with everyone on here that indicated you can't force anyone into swinging. The dilima I am in is that my wife seems to have shut down all of her sexual interest. I can not get her to discuss our own sexual play in the bedroom the next day. I can't get her to discuss any of her sexual fantacies, or anything about her sexual needs. Seems she doesn't have any. All that being said I respect her lack of interest, some women just loose sexual interests as they go through menopause and some women go the other way and become raging nymphs. Most of my male friends accept the lack of sexual play as a normal aging process. Not me I am going to the nursing home kicking and screaming no not yet.

I will respect her desire to not play or to play only when "she" thinks I need to get my nuts off. But that is not going to be how I want to lead my life. I want to have a very active and sensual sex life. So we have only a limited number of choices. 1. Remain this way and she is happy and I am miserable. 2. She accepts the chance of swinging with me and opening up her horizons to new sexual play. It is just sex. 3. We remain married and we morph into an open marriage and she has her vanilla friends, we have our mutual vanilla friends, we muturally socialize my swinging friends that she might enjoy without sex, and I have my swinging friends that I get naked with. Oh I am into couples not looking for a gf. 4. Lastly, we need to separate and have an orderly divorce and we go our separate ways and lead our lives as we see fit.

This is what I and many many husbands have to deal with when the wife is in a position that limits our enjoyment of life. Thanks for the post very thought provoking

[pervgeeks 119]

I am pleased with this post and I agree with everyone on here that indicated you can't force anyone into swinging. The dilima I am in is that my wife seems to have shut down all of her sexual interest. I can not get her to discuss our own sexual play in the bedroom the next day. I can't get her to discuss any of her sexual fantacies, or anything about her sexual needs. Seems she doesn't have any. All that being said I respect her lack of interest, some women just loose sexual interests as they go through menopause and some women go the other way and become raging nymphs. Most of my male friends accept the lack of sexual play as a normal aging process. Not me I am going to the nursing home kicking and screaming no not yet.

I will respect her desire to not play or to play only when "she" thinks I need to get my nuts off. But that is not going to be how I want to lead my life. I want to have a very active and sensual sex life. So we have only a limited number of choices. 1. Remain this way and she is happy and I am miserable. 2. She accepts the chance of swinging with me and opening up her horizons to new sexual play. It is just sex. 3. We remain married and we morph into an open marriage and she has her vanilla friends, we have our mutual vanilla friends, we muturally socialize my swinging friends that she might enjoy without sex, and I have my swinging friends that I get naked with. Oh I am into couples not looking for a gf. 4. Lastly, we need to separate and have an orderly divorce and we go our separate ways and lead our lives as we see fit.

This is what I and many many husbands have to deal with when the wife is in a position that limits our enjoyment of life. Thanks for the post very thought provoking

 

From the sound of your issue, it's not a swinging type of problem. Is your wife willing to go to her doctor and perhaps do something to adjust her hormone levels? If it's physiological, things can be done. If it's emotional or some combination thereof, is she willing to go to couples counseling or sex therapy?

 

In all honesty, what would be in this for another couple? My husband brings his wife to the table (me) who's sexually enthusiastic and fun (whom we are both happily in love) and in return we get....

 

Marital discord and no female partner in return.

 

Swinging is a couples thing for secure, in love couples to enhance our sex lives (and perhaps meet some new, like-minded friends in the process). It's not a gift to the the guys out there who "aren't getting any". We empathize with your problem as we were both in prior marriages with people we weren't sexually compatible with, but step outside of your issue a little and understand that what you are seeking isn't what the lifestyle is about.

[iapr 24]

I am pleased with this post and I agree with everyone on here that indicated you can't force anyone into swinging. The dilima I am in is that my wife seems to have shut down all of her sexual interest. I can not get her to discuss our own sexual play in the bedroom the next day. I can't get her to discuss any of her sexual fantacies, or anything about her sexual needs. Seems she doesn't have any. All that being said I respect her lack of interest, some women just loose sexual interests as they go through menopause and some women go the other way and become raging nymphs. Most of my male friends accept the lack of sexual play as a normal aging process. Not me I am going to the nursing home kicking and screaming no not yet.

I will respect her desire to not play or to play only when "she" thinks I need to get my nuts off. But that is not going to be how I want to lead my life. I want to have a very active and sensual sex life. So we have only a limited number of choices. 1. Remain this way and she is happy and I am miserable. 2. She accepts the chance of swinging with me and opening up her horizons to new sexual play. It is just sex. 3. We remain married and we morph into an open marriage and she has her vanilla friends, we have our mutual vanilla friends, we muturally socialize my swinging friends that she might enjoy without sex, and I have my swinging friends that I get naked with. Oh I am into couples not looking for a gf. 4. Lastly, we need to separate and have an orderly divorce and we go our separate ways and lead our lives as we see fit.

This is what I and many many husbands have to deal with when the wife is in a position that limits our enjoyment of life. Thanks for the post very thought provoking

 

 

I agree with pervgeeks in that this is not a swinging issue but rather a relationship issue and may or may not be at all related to the OP.

 

Menopause and the aging process may affect the libido in a number of ways but a lack of desire for love, closeness, warmth, affection, companionship and even sexual contact is NOT a normal part of the aging process. The desire for those things are taken to the grave.

 

What you are describing is probably a relationship issue and if there are problems within the relationship even bringing up the topic of swinging will have a profoundly negative impact.

 

She surely already knows you are dissatisfied with your sexlife at home (it may even be intentional) and if you start suggesting you bring other people into your bedroom to satisfy your needs it will be like throwing gas on the fire.

 

During problems in the relationship you need to turn inward into the relationship for resolution and not turn outwards to look for quick fixes on the outside.

[iapr 24]

 

Swinging is a couples thing for secure, in love couples to enhance our sex lives (and perhaps meet some new, like-minded friends in the process). It's not a gift to the the guys out there who "aren't getting any". .

 

This is one of the greatest quotes about swinging that I've heard in a long time! So true in many ways.

[slevin 1,374]

Excellent advice, as always, from iapr and also from pervgeeks.

 

To build on that, since I totally agree this is a relationship issue; what are you doing to make her sexually excited? Are you active outside of the house and your marriage? Are you going to the gym, pursuing hobbies, playing sports, trying new activities, having time out with friends, doing things with your kids, inviting her to try new (non-sexual) things with you? Are you living an exciting life? Are you seducing her, flirting with her?

 

Or are you sitting at home, watching TV and hoping she'll be a horny slut that wants to fuck when you're done with football? (Bad stereotype, not suggesting this is actually you, just making a point).

 

The thing about a relationship is that often times most problems can be solved by one of the two people taking a leadership role.

[tankman101 15]

hi trying to talk the wife into meeting some people but no luck so far what do i do ?

 

Your going to have to give people a little more info to work with. How the heck should we know?

 

What have you done? Whats your relationship like? What does she say then you bring it up?

[celtic239 297]

midnight - about three years ago my wife told me that she would be perfectly happy if she never had sex again. I for one was not amused. We are both in our fifty's. I hit the internet hard and became way too familar with female sexual dysfuntion websites. After several months of research I typed a letter to my wife and read it to her. In it I told her how much I loved her and how I believed that her having a fulfilling sex life was important. I stated that her lack of desire could be due to (a) a chemical/hormonal imbalance and that she could be a candidate for HRT, (b) that her lack of interest in sex could be because of her lack of wanting to have sex with me and I told her that she could take on a lover and I wouldn't be jealous and © that we go to a clothing optional resort to try to expand our sexual boundaries.

Bottom line is that we have been to Desires three times and just visited our first swingers clob. We have not swung but then again my original intention was to get the spice back into our lives. Unfortunately for me the thought of the Lifestyle does appeal to me and for some strange reason MFM is a fantasy that, I for one, would love to have with the Mrs. She on the other hand, after three years and thousands of dollars spent on vacations and almost every Black Lace book ever written, still won't even tell me what her fantasies are. I should add that we have been married for almost 28 years.

The only advice I can give you is to treat her with respect and dignity, be prepared to take a few more cold showers than you would expect and "give time time".

[pervgeeks 119]

This is one of the greatest quotes about swinging that I've heard in a long time! So true in many ways.

 

Why thank you! I try.

[jalmay 15]

hi trying to talk the wife into meeting some people but no luck so far what do i do ?

 

Sometimes, this is a sign that the wife has her own extramarital affair, that is how she is satisfied, and likes to play the honest way infront of her husband,

[want2knowmore 15]

Several times in this, and other threads, I noticed that the women are not willing to share thier fantasy. As this is part of the theme of my own story, why is it that women feel they must bury thier fantasy? Could this habit have some sort of adverse effects that lead to the lack of desire for sex?

[PB&J 1,086]

As I've said before in another thread, I personally don't have sexual fantasies. I live in the moment, enjoy myself immensely, and then move on.

This does not make me frigid, passive, unadventurous, or without interest in sex. Just ask my husband or playmates. Or listen outside the door while I scream.

[want2knowmore 15]

Didn't mean to make it statement with out variations or offend.

I think that when someone represses a thought or desire it effects them in ways they may not be aware of. A previous poster was talking about his wifes lack of desire. It was simply something I noticed in the post and in my own life. So the jist was if some one buries thier sexual desires CAN it also shut down thier sex drive. (which is what I think maybe happening in my sitituation) My wife will make very vague remarks, and when I ask for a little more information she refuses and shut right down. I have approached this in diffrent ways and guessing what she is trying to communicate has been about 50/50.

 

While I do not deny you have no fantasy you are also living in a lifestyle that offers more than what is availible to the "vanilla" world. Besides I doubt anyone in the SL can be called frigid, passive, unadventurous, or without interest in sex.

 

I have been with other women, before being married, that were not comfortable talking about thier sexual desires or wants. ( One of the reasons I enjoy this board is because people tend to be more willing to share thoughts, and I have learned a thing or two)

 

There is also the possiblity that I miss read your post, I don't always catch tone. If I upset you I apologize.

[PB&J 1,086]

No, that's ok, I wasn't offended. Just don't assume that in the case of your wife, or others, that the fantasies are there but there's something holding her back. It could be any number of factors that have contributed to a lack of sexual desire.

 

As well, pushing too hard to find those fantasies could scare her off, instead of relaxing her to the point where she's comfortable sharing. If she sees your no doubt honest efforts to establish better communication as a sort of criticism, as in, "Why can't you tell me your fantasies? What's wrong with you?" I'm not implying that's what you've actually said, but that might be what she thinks she's hearing. If she feels that you're not happy with the sexual relationship that the two of you share, a misreading of your efforts could decrease her sexual self-esteem and lead to a downward spiral.

[want2knowmore 15]

Nah, I get what you are saying and to some extent that was probly the case early on. We have been together for a long time, nearly 2 decades. I don't push it, something I learned here, I try to communicate my sincerest feelings. (Something I was never good at) I still try though. It will be like some comment she makes and I'll ask her to explain, and she just flat out refuses. Go figure. Any ways that is why I asked. I have no interest in leaving her. I know her so well, but she seems to have a wall when it comes to sex.

 

Anyways my question was a bit pyscological more than anything else. I got to stop hijacking threads.

 

it might be awhile before I get back, so thanks....

[PB&J 1,086]

That sounds like what my husband might have said a couple of years ago. Hey, people change.

[lhtss 15]

I want to thank you all for your input

[Sonja&Brett 17]

My wife also refuses to share her fantasies. She regularly uses her vibrator when I'm not around. I've asked her what she fantasizes about when she is masturbating. Nothing, she says. "I just get into the feeling." Maybe so. I just need to get a vision in my head to cum. I'd thought that if she did have a fantasy, we might get to the point where she welcomed acting it out at a swing club. We do go to swing clubs. Both of us love the erotic atmosphere, and have great sex in the private rooms. When I've suggested having sex in the more open areas, she has said no. This is interesting to me because she loves to cum on the jacuzzi jets, and doesn't care how many people are in the hot tub. This situation changed on our last visit to the Sea Mountain Nude Spa in Desert Hot Springs. There were 8 couples in the spa pool. We had been drinking for several hours. My wife switched from sitting on my lap to facing the jet. She positioned herself on the jet and told me to play with her ass. While she worked the jet on her clit she looked around to see if people were watching. When she began to cum, I fucked her ass with my finger. After several powerful orgasms, she turned to me and said,"Did my ass like your finger?" "Oh yes," I said. Next she said,"All the guys were watching and smiling."

 

She saw that the DJ was playing some club music in the playroom. "Let's go in there and dance," she said. As the beat became hotter, 3 couples laid down on the round bed. My wife pulled me down on the bed and pushed my head down between her legs. All of the other women were being eaten by their their partners. My wife was worked into a frenzy, and said, to my complete surprise, "Fuck me!" I quickly entered her. Looking at the other couples on the bed, I saw that all were fucking. What a turn on. My wife loved it. We went back to our room where she gave me a great blow job.

 

We haven''t talked about this experience. She apparently likes to separate the reality of what she likes to do when she has a buzz from how she feels when sober. I just hope that our next trip to the Sea Mountain will bring us even more adventure.

[swingingnites 15]

Wow! You are a great story teller...

[lhtss 15]

Boy i really started some thing here.

All of your in put and ideas where and are greatly appreciated.

Yes I agree communication is the key but some times I'm afraid to let her know how I feel.

I love her very much and she doesn't do any thing sexual unless I 'm involve (no she doesn't masturbate) I just introduced a vibrator to our bed and she really got off and recently

 

 

she went to a ladies party and bought some more toys so I might be making progress.I really want to thank you all for your comments you people are the reason I want us to be involved with the life style thank you again

[My Next 65 33]

I have said this before. Everyone has a persona, the person that others see us as being. We configure our thoughts and feelings to conform ourselves to that image. We become that person. We may actually have a different view of what we want, who we see ourselves as being buried deep beneath the expectations, the inhibitions and the social correctness of our environment. I think perhaps buried in all of us is a natural desire for sex that would not limit us to one partner or even one gender if it were not for all the reasons amassed over tens of thousands of years that has made marriage and fidelity and gender the norm. In todays world it is within our ability to protect all these reasons in our social life and let loose our inner desires with controlled abandon.

Those who swing find other swingers. They do not reveal themselves to vanilla friends who see them in their own image. Our wives would not strip naked before one of our vanilla friends because it is totally out of charachter and unexceptable behavior. Yet with the inhibitions lifted amoung other swingers who do not expect differently. she may strip, seduce and engage in sex with a number of men without an inhibition. I think there is a naturally born gene for sex. I think that the first step in releasing it is to find there is no sin of the flesh, no sin in the natural desire for sex. In marriage this has to be understood by both, that in a secure loving marriage of trust and dedication, it must be understood that nothing is lost or given away. It is part of life to be experienced as playtime, a passion to be felt with all the chemistry of pleasures it brings. The exhileration of running naked on a beach. A relationship between husband and wife is what each expects the other to be.

When a man and a wife can see that light, only then can it be. It cannot be coerced, it must come to light from the inner realization that it is nothing more than adults at play. How you show her that, I think, is to come to know each other beneath the inhibitations of persona.

 

 

I am not an advisor, I just play one on Swingers Board.