Is an inactive swinger a swinger still?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Some of the discussions in the thread: "Is it a lifestyle or a hobby?" got me thinking....

 

If you are not actively swinging, are you still a swinger? What is it that makes someone a "swinger", anyway? We have so many different definitions of what swinging is, who it includes, what it includes... but what is it that determines if you are a swinger?

 

If you haven't played in a year but think you might again, are you still a swinger?

 

If you haven't played in 10 years and probably never will again but you still hang out and are friends with swingers because you like their attitude better than vanilla people, are you a swinger? Or just a wanna-be?

[VegasLee 1,486]

JustAskJulie said:

If you haven't played in 10 years and probably never will again but you still hang out and are friends with swingers because you like their attitude better than vanilla people, are you a swinger? Or just a wanna-be?

 

Maybe you would be a retired swinger.

[havefuninsun 122]

GREAT question! I think you're always a swinger.

 

I think being a swinger is how you look at sex and your relationship(s). I also think it has a lot to do with why you choose NOT to swing anymore ... I think some people try it, and it's very negative to them (maybe a lot of jealousy issues, etc.). These people are not swingers to me.

 

Because of our unbelievable schedules right now, we don't get to play often, but we consider ourselves swingers none-the-less.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

I say once a swinger, always a swinger. We took a break last winter, but we still hung out with our swinger friends. I think if we never swung again, we'd still think like swingers, feel like swingers, talk like swingers. I don't think you can unring the bell.

 

Pepper

[socolais 696]

I think we don't swing to become swingers - we swing BECAUSE we're swingers. Therefore, once a swinger, always a swinger,,,, but perhaps there can be a few exceptions......

[SCcpl40 74]

We don't think every couple can be on, all the time. Family, jobs, and work may change the frequency in which people can play. For us, once in the lifestyle, you'll find normal life boring!

[Spoomonkey 421]

For me, swinging is something I do - not something I am. I used to play football, but I doubt I'd call myself a football player now. I used to be a preacher, but now... Well... Come on

 

I am not going to try to define others, but for me I am a swinger when I am swinging. If I'm not swinging, I'm not a swinger. I may know a lot about the topic (as some of our inactive folks here do) but I don't think I'd carry the label personally.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I think that 'swinging' is an attitude.

 

It's certainly not something that most people have.

 

But, those of us who do, can't just turn it off and on..., it's just the way we are.

 

Even though we're not, currently, participating for whatever reasons, we're still swingers.

[willyoats 324]

My nomination for the correct label for an inactive, former swinger: "swunger"

 

It does not have a good "ring" to it, but it beats the heck out of "has-been".

 

It's also useful to have a legit label to use when confronted with an inquiry about whether or not you are a swinger. One of our kids blindsided my wife a few years ago with that question. It came out of the blue, but it happened a few weeks after we decided that we were going to stop swinging. My wife answered with what she thought was a truthful, but possibly evasive, "no". (She answered that way because I did not believe that our kids were old enough to handle such intimate knowledge of our sex lives. They are old enough now and they know all of our history.)

 

If our daughter had been more like a old congressman chasing commies and asked whether we were now, or ever had been, swingers, it would have been more difficult to find a truthfully evasive answer.

[oncewere 84]

Speaking as one who fits the description, I have to liken it in some ways to being a recovering alcoholic. I can resist the temptation but the yearning never goes away. In some ways it gets stronger. When your spouse isn't interested you just suck it up.

[VanHlebar 187]

Great question Julie! I am not a huge fan of the term "swinger" only because of the negative attitude that seems to be tagged with it. I sort of agree with Spoo in that I am a swinger when actually swinging but then the question is when am I swinging? I think I have been "swinging" most of my life. Not in a sexual sense, but in the attitude. I have never been one that was jealous of other guys hitting on my girlfriend or wife and well I have always been one to be "friendly" with other ladies even when I had a girlfriend and with my first wife.

 

I think that you can surely stop the swinging activities, but I am not so sure that you can stop the thought process if you will, at least I can't. MrsVan and I could stop playing with playmates, but there is no way that I could stop pointing out attractive guys or ladies to her, etc etc.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Swinging is just not about the sex, it's an attitude.

 

I've said that before.

 

While I physically may not be able to do anything for a while, I am still mind---fucking you:sex:

[tribbles 490]

It might make a difference why someone isn't swinging right now. A year off could happen for many reasons but 10 years = retired swinger IMO.

[sweet_tna 680]

Hmmm . . . another one of those questions that really only matters how each of us defines the term. For me, we're actively swinging, ergo we're swingers. If we decide to hit the pause button at some point, I'd probably still consider us swingers.

 

But if we decide we're done for good and turn in our swinger cards, then I can't see us calling ourselves swingers.

 

=)

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

sweet_tna said:

Hmmm . . . another one of those questions that really only matters how each of us defines the term.

 

Excellent point. Everyone defines themselves differently in the lifestyle. As many types of swingers as there are (poly, full swap, voyeurs, MFM, FF, FMF, etc) there are ways to define yourself as well.

 

Whose really to say as a blanket statement that if you are inactive (for whatever reason) you are or aren't still a swinger? Is it based on attitude or activity? Then what would the attitude be and how much activity?

 

For me I don't define myself by everything I like, do or participate in. We have sex with other people when we get the chance and the stars are aligned ... but we also love to watch football, go to movies, dance, shop, travel, run, exercise. You get the point...sometimes I'm a football fan (FL Gators!) and sometimes I'm a swinger then other times I'm a runner in such events as the Indy 1/2 marathon.

 

So if you ask me on first meeting if I am..."whatever" I'd probably answer yes I am a swinger...football nut...runner. I'm not doing any of that at the moment the question is asked but I have been and done those things...so you decide.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

hehe... we haven't been on the swingset in the last 6 months. I don't feel like we're retired... We're a bit young for it! We're honestly too focused on other things. That doesn't mean that we don't still think/talk about swinging. We'd love to be able to include it in our lives. We've just chosen another path for the moment.

 

So, I guess I still think we're swingers...

[fun4Ds 1,098]

We deer hunt only in the fall of the year. We still consider ourselves deer hunters.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

Mrs Spoomonkey said:

Whose really to say as a blanket statement that if you are inactive (for whatever reason) you are or aren't still a swinger? Is it based on attitude or activity? Then what would the attitude be and how much activity?

 

We believe that being a swinger is largely about attitude, but activity does have to play a part somewhere along the line. Perhaps one can still be a swinger if he/she is inactive, but it's up to each person to draw the line between being "inactive" and being "retired."

 

Mrs Spoomonkey said:

For me I don't define myself by everything I like, do or participate in.

 

This is where we differ, because we do define ourselves by what we do. Every activity we participate in reflects certain aspects of our personalities. We are swingers. We are runners. We are fans of the TV show "House."

[Spoomonkey 421]

I define myself by what I am when I am doing it. I think the question revolves around "inactive". If I am inactive because I am busy, having the worst run of luck or whatever, but fully intend to get back to it when I can - I'm a swinger on a break.

 

If I am inactive because I no longer want to have sex with others, am too old to be interested in sex with my spouse, much less new partners or have found Jesus - that is something else altogether. I would no longer define myself a swinger.

[Chicup 41]

Two tourists were talking to an old chap who had lived in the area his whole life. The old chap explains to them:

 

"You see that church over there? I built that church. Do they call me Peter the church builder? No.

You see that bridge over the river? I built that bridge. Do they call me Peter the bridge builder? No.

.. but you suck ONE cock ..."

 

Thats sort of how I view swinging.

 

Once you are a swinger, its a mind set, even if you are no longer swinging.

 

Unless you do a 180 mentally and decided the whole thing was wrong, you no longer share a lot of the same values/feelings that a majority of society does. So even if we were to quit swinging, and someday we will, we will still THINK like swingers, and thats what I think matters.

[butchnamy 15]

I have to agree with most everyone up here. We havent swung in nearly 5 years, but still consider ourselves swingers and probably always will.

[Bama0468 93]

Maybe you would be a retired swinger.

 

or just plain Tired LOL

 

anyhow, I think it is a attitude, a state of mind so yes your always a swinger untill your mind changes, no matter the "type" (I.E. soft, full swap, etc.)

[knb2004 364]

Very interesting thread, and right up my alley considering my "analysis gene"...

 

My quest, of course, is to understand why some of us humans insist on monogamy, while others of us think it's silly. I have not found an answer to this point, though I believe I'm making progress, at least partially thanks to this thread.

 

The question at hand is really, what makes a "swinger"? Is it actions, attitude, recent history, long term history? Does having sex with others make you a swinger? Or do you have to be a swinger in order to successfully (read: no consequences to your primary relationship, not literally) have sex with others.

 

Like most, I tend to think it's more of an attitude. It takes a certain personality, outlook, and level of expectations to make the very concept palatable. Therefore, I think the attitude is what makes you a swinger, and it's the reasons preventing you from acting on that which determine if you are still a swinger or "retired" as Mr. Spoo so eloquently put it.

 

I am a NASCAR fan. Yet, I do not see every race, and I physically attend very few. I have neither the time, nor the money to attend every session, and do not have the time or desire even to view every race despite the lack of cost. It's my attitude that determines if I'm still a Nascar fan, whether or not I'm actively viewing or participating. If I'm not seeing races because I just can't, or because I have higher priorities, but in my heart I still like the sport and look forward to the time that I can re-engage, then I'm still a fan. If I've decided I'm no longer interested, regardless of reason, then I'm not.

 

I think the same holds true of swinger status. If I'm too busy, broke, sick, tired, or whatever to participate whether for a day or the rest of my life, I'm still a swinger if I would participate except for my obstacles. If, however, I've decided that it's no longer for me, then I'm not.

 

One final observation: To be a NASCAR fan, I have only myself to consider. To be a swinger requires myself as well as the lovely Mrs. knb. So it's equally true that if she decides she's no longer interested, then we are by definition, no longer swingers. So while it's not a perfect analogy, I think it's pretty close.

[PB&J 1,086]

This reminds me of an argument I had with my college boyfriend. A particular residence house at our college was referred to at a residence council meeting as "B House, where transvestites dance naked in the halls". He kept saying that if they were naked, they weren't transvestites, since by definition a transvestite is dressed in the opposite sex's clothing. I kept trying to patiently explain to him that transvestitism was not a temporary condition of the body, but a permanent condition of the mind. In other words, it's not about whether one is dressed like a transvestite, but whether one thinks like one.

 

I doubt I could ever think like a vanilla again.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

Here would be my thoughts:

 

If you tried swinging once or twice and you didn't like it, then when you get out, you're most likely not a swinger.

 

If you found it destructive to your life and you got out, you're not a swinger.

 

If you're out now, but you would jump back in if circumstances were right, you're still a swinger no matter how long you're out.

 

If you're out now, but would never jump back in under any circumstances, you're no longer a swinger.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I doubt I could ever think like a vanilla again.

I like this.

 

I think once you've done the swing thing, you are always a swinger. You can throw the hyphens in front of it if you'd like: Inactive, Retired, etc. But, in the end, if you still have the attitude expressed by PB&J, you're probably still a swinger.

 

One caveat that was mentioned in an earlier post: If you turn your back to swinging and renounce all that it involves, then you're no longer a swinger in my (not so important) book.

[awesomecplmn 21]

This is a very interesting conversation. Hubby and I have recently become so-called active swingers, but as we look back over our lives, we realize that we were probably both always swingers.

 

We both liked to look at our parent's dirty magazines as kids. We went to a swinger event within a year or two of being married. Nothing happened there other than some conversation and dancing b/c we ran into the parents of a friend of mine and I freaked out. We had a 3some with his ex early on in our marriage and then he reciprocated by bringing home a male friend. We drove several hours once to meet another couple after getting to know them on AOL back in the day.......we only soft-swapped. Then we took a lot of years off for a couple reasons. And I truly didn't think I ever would swing again. Then sort of suddenly, our relationship strengthened, I got out of a job and we started swinging again.

 

We've had virtually no issues since starting in July of last year. And when people ask us how long we've been in this lifestyle, I don't know what to say. Six months?? We feel way more experienced than 6 months. 15+ years?? We feel way less experienced than 15 years. So when people ask, I pretty much explain this to them and say something like we are the oldest newbies around.

 

When we're no longer really newbies, I think I will revise to say we have been in and out of the lifestyle to varying degrees our entire marriage. That best explains it.

 

But, I think we are both swingers. I like the concept that we're not swingers because we have recreational sex outside our marriage, but instead we have recreational sex outside our marriage BECAUSE we're swingers.

[amid 91]

Once a cucumber becomes a pickle it will never be a cucumber again. As much as it would like to think it could be it never will be.. even if it's out of the jar it's still a pickle!

[IvoryTowers 380]

I find it very interesting that most people come down on the "once a swinger, always a swinger" side. I'm firmly on the other side, because I see swinging as an activity, not a belief system.

[knb2004 364]

Ah, but while swinging IS an activity, loosely defined as consensual and usually shared non-monogamy within a relationship, it requires a certain belief system for someone to be comfortable and to do without drama. We (meaning those of us who swing) have a different mindset than much of the rest of the population, and I don't believe that goes away even if, for whatever reason, one no longer actively has sex outside of their primary relationship. Unless the reason one no longer swings is that they really never had those beliefs, in which case they're not an ex-swinger, they're a never was who for whatever once went outside their box.