Ethical Question...

My wife and I are BRAND NEW to this lifestyle as we have only had one MFM to date. When we met the guy that joined us, he requested that he be the only other guy my wife sees.

Well today my wife and I started chatting with another guy. We plan on having a drink with him. I feel we have the right to meet anyone without explanation but if it goes further we fully intend to disclose.

Is it common for a third to request they be the only one? And what courtesy is generally given to other partners? Thanks.

No, it's not common to want to be the only one, although there's no harm (or purpose) in asking. Unless there's a particular reason, like a promise because your wife and he are going bareback, you don't have to disclose who else you're having sex with. (If he's new to this as well, he may be experiencing the puppy love that comes with a having a new sex partner.)

Still, I would tell him so it doesn't lead to drama later. My guess is that if you still want to play with him, he'll go along.

No, it's not common to want to be the only one, although there's no harm (or purpose) in asking. Unless there's a particular reason, like a promise because your wife and he are going bareback, you don't have to disclose who else you're having sex with. (If he's new to this as well, he may be experiencing the puppy love that comes with a having a new sex partner.)

 

Still, I would tell him so it doesn't lead to drama later. My guess is that if you still want to play with him, he'll go along.

We are not going bareback so I don't feel I owe anything there. I think it's decent to disclose but we just hope he'd go along cause we like the guy

BlueStag, it's not the norm that a single male request he be the only one your wife sees. My wife and I would turn his request down, to the point that if he made it before we played, he would never get in my wife's pants.

You want new experiences at this point, else your wife wouldn't be chatting with other guys. I'd make a decision to see other people, if I were you.

Ethically, the only thing I think you owe the initial gentleman is to tell him that you're probably going to open up your situation. If he complains, simply don't see him anymore.

Best of luck.

BlueStag, it's not the norm that a single male request he be the only one your wife sees. My wife and I would turn his request down, to the point that if he made it before we played, he would never get in my wife's pants.

Same for us, making that request this early on would get him immediately blacklisted. If a strong swinging relationship ends up being established, then there COULD be legitimate reasons to have a conversation along those lines, like for example to see if all parties are satisfied enough where things are that it is worth broaching the subject of exclusiveness and bareback. Even then though, one needs to tread carefully. We've had that conversation, and it's one of those things that just sort of develops on its own if and when the time is right, and even then, no guarantees how it will end up, so if it works out then an icing on the cake sort of thing, but not a demand or make or break. It should take a good while to get to that point, so if it comes quick, then red flag for us.

In terms of the ethical question of what you owe him...all you owe him is an answer, and no is an answer.

Good luck on working through this little curveball!

I appreciate the input. The dilemma for us is that everything else in the situation is great. There is great chemistry and it's very comfortable. I just feel ultimately we decided to delve into this lifestyle to break up monogamy ... not start a new version of it. My greatest hope is that he is open to us exploring elsewhere

I just feel ultimately we decided to delve into this lifestyle to break up monogamy ... not start a new version of it.

Can you tell us more about this guy? Is your sense he is a regular swinger, or is this something new to him too? How did you find him?

Single guys as a group get a bad rap in the lifestyle, mostly deserved in my opinion, and all of those issues can mostly be summarized as they just don't "get" it. Unless they once were part of a swinging couple, they just have a hard time seeing things from a couple's perspective. The good ones are the ones that have made that mental jump and can see both sides of the equation.

It's hard to fully assess a situation from just a few words in a forum post, but I just have a feeling that this individual is one of those, either from inexperience or from his own selfishness or inability to see all perspectives, and doesn't really realize what he's doing and how he is coming off. He may be a great guy and teachable, so if you have good feelings about him otherwise, it may be worth trying to do that. He may react by getting all pissed, in which case there is your answer, or he may have sort of a eureka moment and that lead to a long run of good experiences and friendship for all three of you. You'll just have to decide if you sort of want a "project" being so new yourselves, or if you'd rather move on and try to find someone that knows the score right from the get-go.

Can you tell us more about this guy? Is your sense he is a regular swinger, or is this something new to him too? How did you find him?

 

Single guys as a group get a bad rap in the lifestyle, mostly deserved in my opinion, and all of those issues can mostly be summarized as they just don't "get" it. Unless they once were part of a swinging couple, they just have a hard time seeing things from a couple's perspective. The good ones are the ones that have made that mental jump and can see both sides of the equation.

 

It's hard to fully assess a situation from just a few words in a forum post, but I just have a feeling that this individual is one of those, either from inexperience or from his own selfishness or inability to see all perspectives, and doesn't really realize what he's doing and how he is coming off. He may be a great guy and teachable, so if you have good feelings about him otherwise, it may be worth trying to do that. He may react by getting all pissed, in which case there is your answer, or he may have sort of a eureka moment and that lead to a long run of good experiences and friendship for all three of you. You'll just have to decide if you sort of want a "project" being so new yourselves, or if you'd rather move on and try to find someone that knows the score right from the get-go.

We met him through an app my wife uses. He's relatively new, but has had a few experiences as a third.

My wife is thinking the 3 of us need to sit down and put it on the table. I do agree that if anger is the response, I'm out. That's a major red flag

My wife and I...have only had one MFM to date. When we met the guy that joined us, he requested that he be the only other guy my wife sees.

I agree with several others who have responded, it’s both unusual and in my opinion quite inappropriate in an MFM play relationship for the other male to request that the two of you play only with him. That he would do so after your first session with him is disturbing. Storm clouds ahead!

There are so many single males out there who are keen to play. Your wife and you are in the driver’s seat. Surely you will be able find a guy who shares all of this fellow’s good points without the worrisome (and perhaps dangerous) flaw.

We have had similar offers.

We took it as a compliment.

We then politely declined.

What you owe is an honest answer.

The chips fall as they may. It will be better all around.

You're letting this guy ask for something from you both that he has absolutely no right to expect. You're letting him into your relationship and giving him a say in what you and your wife do or don't do way beyond what should be his very limited participation in your life. ARE YOU NUTS???? The guy wants YOUR wife. The only conversation you need with him is the one where you tell him to "get lost" and never contact you or your wife again.

On a brighter note, there are thousands and thousands of single men in the Jersey, Pa, NY and DE area. Pick one, pick a dozen, until you find a good fit. Its a buyers market if you're looking for single guys wanting to get laid. Don't just settle and don't let any of them become more than a walking vibrator.

I got the impression that the single man asked the couple to be exclusive, but I did not get the impression that the couple agreed.

One of the key advantages of the lifestyle over vanilla dating is that the lifestyle lacks exclusivity. At a house party, I can play with one woman and, nature permitting, play with other women right in front of her at the same party. We’ve fixed up playmates with other playmates. It is a boinking festival without regrets. The single male you met is way off track. We would dump him.

I got the impression that the single man asked the couple to be exclusive, but I did not get the impression that the couple agreed.

 

One of the key advantages of the lifestyle over vanilla dating is that the lifestyle lacks exclusivity. At a house party, I can play with one woman and, nature permitting, play with other women right in front of her at the same party. We’ve fixed up playmates with other playmates. It is a boinking festival without regrets. The single male you met is way off track. We would dump him.

You are right the request was made, but at the time we brushed it off with "you are the only guy we are talking to at this time and will let you know if that changes"

We are going to sit him down and explain we like him, but as you said the whole reason for this is to break monogamy

Just out of curiosity , the app your wife used to meet this single male. Was it a swingers site or singles hook up or dating app?

I believe it's called 3fun seems to be geared towards the lifestyle

If a guy asked me this question then I'd think:

A) Possessive: That he is potentially a controlling / possessive / obsessive person who will begin to view my wife as his sexual property. I have encountered this a few times in my life and it can turn into a very dangerous situation very rapidly indeed. That basically in some cases having sex with a women can act as a trigger point for some men, for example:

They have sex with a women, they put their penis inside of a women and within a matter of hours such guys are thinking:

"She is now my property. She should now do whatever I request. I can now have sex with her whenever I want. She has allowed me to have sex with her so now she shouldn't even speak to another man. She is now my sexual property and she shouldn't even have any other male friends at all. She should now obey me. She should now be 100% loyal to me"

Many years ago now when I first began experimenting with swinging me and my girlfriend met a seemingly clean and nice guy and had a MFM threesome together. In fact the entire experience seemed to go really well until only a day later (1 day after having sex with my girlfriend) the man totally flipped out. From the very second he shoved his penis into my girlfriend he now viewed her as HIS PROPERTY, and instantly assumed he was now 100% allowed to do whatever he wanted to her sexually, whenever he wanted, and that basically she should be 100% loyal to him and follow his requests. It wasn't a fun experience!

B) Cheating: For those on this site who know my posts they will already know my opinion of single guys into swinging isn't that great as putting it blunt the vast majority of them end up been cheating and lying men who are simply looking for a quick and easy way to have an affair. Many of the so called "Single Guys" into swinging actually have girlfriends or wives and families at home who know nothing about their secret sexual lives.

In this specific case what the man could really be saying is:

"Hey I want to be the only other guy your wife sees, because if your wife does see another man she might catch an STD / STI and pass it onto me. THEN I'll end up going home and passing that STD / STI onto my wife that I'm cheating on and then I'll be in real trouble. If I get an STD / STI from your wife then my wife will end up finding out that I'm cheating and I don't want that to happen"

The ideal goal for most cheating guys is to find a sexy and attractive women to have sex with, but one that isn't sleeping with anyone else.

C) Friendship Based Threesome: There is however a very small chance that this guy is more attracted to a friendship based / long term / ongoing threesome with you both. I generally find people who explore threesomes either explore the subject JUST for sex, or they explore the subject for friendship and in hope of finding some kind of poly, three way relationship type situation.

Some people view swinging as simply having sex with strangers for fun. Other people view swinging as finding a dedicated friend to almost share a friendly relationship with. That in a very small amount of cases perhaps some people will want an exclusive friendship with you, because they like you, because they view swinging as more than just sex but as a close ongoing friendship that they hope will last a long time.

The chances of that with a so called single man however is very slim. My honest guess is the guy is simply scared of catching an STD and doesn't want to pass it back to his wife at home and get caught out.

OVERALL:

If you are looking to swing with single guys (especially ones off the internet) then understand that about 80% or even 90% of them are already attached (either married or in a relationship already) and sure some of those guys will be honest and explain they are in a relationship and looking for a sexual affair, where a drastic amount of them will simply lie and say they are really single.

You could say having sex attracts single guys, but swinging attracts married and attached guys.

I have met enough guys via swinging who are pretending to be single.

If a guy asked me this question then I'd think:

 

A) Possessive: That he is potentially a controlling / possessive / obsessive person who will begin to view my wife as his sexual property. I have encountered this a few times in my life and it can turn into a very dangerous situation very rapidly indeed. That basically in some cases having sex with a women can act as a trigger point for some men, for example:

 

They have sex with a women, they put their penis inside of a women and within a matter of hours such guys are thinking:

 

"She is now my property. She should now do whatever I request. I can now have sex with her whenever I want. She has allowed me to have sex with her so now she shouldn't even speak to another man. She is now my sexual property and she shouldn't even have any other male friends at all. She should now obey me. She should now be 100% loyal to me"

 

Many years ago now when I first began experimenting with swinging me and my girlfriend met a seemingly clean and nice guy and had a MFM threesome together. In fact the entire experience seemed to go really well until only a day later (1 day after having sex with my girlfriend) the man totally flipped out. From the very second he shoved his penis into my girlfriend he now viewed her as HIS PROPERTY, and instantly assumed he was now 100% allowed to do whatever he wanted to her sexually, whenever he wanted, and that basically she should be 100% loyal to him and follow his requests. It wasn't a fun experience!

 

B) Cheating: For those on this site who know my posts they will already know my opinion of single guys into swinging isn't that great as putting it blunt the vast majority of them end up been cheating and lying men who are simply looking for a quick and easy way to have an affair. Many of the so called "Single Guys" into swinging actually have girlfriends or wives and families at home who know nothing about their secret sexual lives.

 

In this specific case what the man could really be saying is:

 

"Hey I want to be the only other guy your wife sees, because if your wife does see another man she might catch an STD / STI and pass it onto me. THEN I'll end up going home and passing that STD / STI onto my wife that I'm cheating on and then I'll be in real trouble. If I get an STD / STI from your wife then my wife will end up finding out that I'm cheating and I don't want that to happen"

 

The ideal goal for most cheating guys is to find a sexy and attractive women to have sex with, but one that isn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

 

C) Friendship Based Threesome: There is however a very small chance that this guy is more attracted to a friendship based / long term / ongoing threesome with you both. I generally find people who explore threesomes either explore the subject JUST for sex, or they explore the subject for friendship and in hope of finding some kind of poly, three way relationship type situation.

 

Some people view swinging as simply having sex with strangers for fun. Other people view swinging as finding a dedicated friend to almost share a friendly relationship with. That in a very small amount of cases perhaps some people will want an exclusive friendship with you, because they like you, because they view swinging as more than just sex but as a close ongoing friendship that they hope will last a long time.

 

The chances of that with a so called single man however is very slim. My honest guess is the guy is simply scared of catching an STD and doesn't want to pass it back to his wife at home and get caught out.

 

 

OVERALL:

 

If you are looking to swing with single guys (especially ones off the internet) then understand that about 80% or even 90% of them are already attached (either married or in a relationship already) and sure some of those guys will be honest and explain they are in a relationship and looking for a sexual affair, where a drastic amount of them will simply lie and say they are really single.

 

You could say having sex attracts single guys, but swinging attracts married and attached guys.

 

I have met enough guys via swinging who are pretending to be single.

Great post! Thank you! I don't think he is possessive as he is VERY respectful to me as the husband.

I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be a relationship he's hiding. Weekends are out of the question to meet up being one of my other clues. Do I have proof other than that? No. But we will not be obliging his request for exclusivity

Great post! Thank you! I don't think he is possessive as he is VERY respectful to me as the husband.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be a relationship he's hiding. Weekends are out of the question to meet up being one of my other clues. Do I have proof other than that? No. But we will not be obliging his request for exclusivity

Side thought on even seeing a married-single guy.

My daughter was dating a guy she thought was single until the wife shewed up in the waiting room of the office where she was the receptionist. The scene that followed involved the police, a room full of patrons and my daughter losing her job.

While losing her job was a bit unfair it was understandable. The room was full of families with kids and the confrontation was not exactly family friendly. Her boss was fearful of a repeat by the wife not only embarrassing his practice but also possibly endangering his patients.

Side thought on even seeing a married-single guy.

 

My daughter was dating a guy she thought was single until the wife shewed up in the waiting room of the office where she was the receptionist. The scene that followed involved the police, a room full of patrons and my daughter losing her job.

 

While losing her job was a bit unfair it was understandable. The room was full of families with kids and the confrontation was not exactly family friendly. Her boss was fearful of a repeat by the wife not only embarrassing his practice but also possibly endangering his patients.

Wow! That sucks. It's so hard to verify if someone is actually single. The fact the we are only looking for single men at this point means it will be a constant thought

Somebody trying to tell us who Mrs. E can fuck or suck would be a hard pass. She got enough of that from her mom and the nuns in high school, and I'm trying to encourage, not discourage, experimentation.

Somebody trying to tell us who Mrs. E can fuck or suck would be a hard pass. She got enough of that from her mom and the nuns in high school, and I'm trying to encourage, not discourage, experimentation.

I fully agree with you. Everything else about him is great. He fucks her really well too. But we made it clear that while we like seeing him, he will NOT be the only one

I think it's not unusual for people who are curious enough to enter the lifestyle to be concerned about STDs. It's hard to affix blame. The lifestyle is new. A couple entering it, who have not had outside experiences, are exposing themselves for the first time.

One of our play-couples (married in high school because she got pregnant) had never had sex with anyone except each other. Quite simply, they were turned on but scared. That she was an R.N. who worked in an STD preventative program, gave her a legitimate concern. AIDS was the program's major issue.

The four of us had a long talk during which we agreed to consult one another if any of us found anyone else who was interesting. If such a couple was deemed acceptable, they'd be invited to join our little group. We played together for three years until she went to Medical School and eventually became a Physician. She simply had no time to play. We didn't find such a couple.

One of our play-couples (married in high school because she got pregnant) had never had sex with anyone except each other. . .

This reminds me of friends of mine who are married to each other. They began dating in high school. She had dated (and had sex) before him, but he had never. They got married one year out of high school. A few years later, he and I were out doing something together and he asked me "What's it like? Are other women really different or is it all the same?" I felt bad for him. He was very curious, but he wasn't the type to cheat (and he never has).

The first couple we ever played with was a soft swap. They'd been high school sweethearts too and neither of them had had sex with anyone. His wife was amazing, a really wonderful lady. He was amenable to having full swap, but she was not and they were on the same page about that, so soft swap only was their rule. For her part, she really, really wanted to have sex with other men, but also didn't want to cross the bridge of having had sex with other men. She felt that once crossed, she couldn't go back to how she felt before. So, she was very happy to do soft swap, sort of a cake-and-eat-it-too, but not do full swap. We played with them twice. She was a lot of fun in bed, and I really wish we could have had sex.

That never happened to us. This is supposed to be fun. We would avoid people who are possessive and controlling.

Great post. May I add a few thoughts?

If a guy asked me this question then I'd think:

 

A) Possessive:

There's a guy in our group who likes to "own" the woman he's fucking. He doesn't do it in group play, but when playing alone has asked my wife and other women and they're willing to indulge him. My wife says it's everything from "Your my cunt now!" to gentle, "I love you." Extraordinarily possessive play, but when it's over, it's over. He's not that way in group play, including when it's been him, his wife and my wife alone, and he happily shares his wife with other men and women, and enjoys watching or letting her go off alone. His wife jokes about how she never thought he'd be open to swinging since he has that kink.