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Jealousy, What A Bitch!

EvolveYourIntimacy

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I can't be the only one this has ever happened to... our old friend jealousy came to visit me recently and that made me say some things in a manner that was not reflective of my true feelings resulting in a bit of damage in my relationship. During a play session with another couple I noticed that my partner was doing things with our lady friend that he hasn't done with me in a while. So instead of doing the right thing and communicating effectively about it I went about it completely wrong and did something never wanted to do and that is hurt him.

First let me tell you what I did and then I'll tell you what I should have done.

 

Looking back at the experience I now see that I probably had feelings that I didn't understand in my alcohol infused state during play time that resulted in my sabotaging my experience. That is called jealousy. I saw him doing things to her that I wanted him to do to me but instead of using that as a relationship builder, I completely messed up, got my feelings hurt and sent him a text message. In my defense, which is mute at this point, I felt the text message would be received in a more upbeat way. But that's the thing about text messages; they are recieved through the voice of the reader not the intention of the sender. I tell all of my couples to never talk about important issues through text and then what did I do...

 

Here is what I should have done but hindsight is always much clearer than the presented issue, right? I should have figured out what he did with her that I wanted from him and said something to the effect of: "I really liked watching you do ---- to her, do you think you could do that to me tonight?" Yes folks, that is the mature way to deal with jealousy in this situation but of course, I did not have the forethought to behave in this way and I hurt my beloved partner because of my inability to effectively communicate my needs.

 

I am human, sharing your partner is difficult at times but I have made it even more difficult by allowing jealousy to sneak in. I know we will make it through this stronger but it doesn't stop the initial damage my stupidity has caused. Have you every experienced something like this? If so, how did you handle it?

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Jealousy is my drug. For two years I had a husband and a boyfriend who were both monogamous with me.  (I worked hard to keep them satisfied emotionally and physically.)  I was jealous anytime a woman looked at my husband or even complimented him to me.  (He is in shape and good looking.)  One day when with a friend, she said to me that it must be great to be in bed with him.  It still is burned into my mind how jealous I was, and out of my mouth came, "It can be arranged."  At that point I realized 1) there was not going back, I am a woman of my word (plus I knew hubby would a) find her attractive and b) have sex with her if I told him to), and 2) how much I wanted it, to feel what it was I was afraid of.  (Me choosing the woman for him to do this with did give me a sense of control.)

 

Long story short, they fucked numerous times over several months and I looked forward to it each time with a knot of excitement in my stomach.  Longer story short, we made it a game of dating women together with the ultimate goal of hubby having sex with her and me watching (I wanted to see it!)/participating.  Women were willing to screw hubby, and they did, but most didn't want me there.  Those that did opened me up to my Lesbian side, and one woman, Clair, joined us to make the now four of us a family rather than just a wife with a guy on the side.

 

Even now, I get jealous and it makes me excited.

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@couplers Thank you for your reply. You are right, I should have channeled my feelings in to a hot erotic experience, and I fully plan on doing this if/when the feelings arise again. We have to remember that these feelings are normal feelings but how one handles them makes all the difference in the in relationship.  One thing I have to remember is that while I am a sex coach, I am also in the lifestyle as well and sometimes my brain knows what to do but my automatic responses are not always on point. Thankfully he loves me!

 

Stephanie

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I have a question for you.  You mention alcohol infused.  My other half and I have had more than our share of "moments" which I often attribute to alcohol.  We have a totally peaceful relationship when alcohol is not involved and when we are not in a swing club.

 

I know people say alcohol makes your true feelings come out.  Do you really think that is true?  I do love her very much but I notice how much I question us as a couple when we have these moments.  She is not to blame, I think we both are when these things happen.  

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We are not in the LS but talking about experiencing LS scenarios are some of the hottest fantasies we share.

 

If I gave in to my jealousy I would not be with my wife. In this manner, jealousy can fuel passion.  The green eyed monster has a cute look.  Talking out my jealousy takes on more the form of developing a fantasy story.  It helps if your partner loves you and laughs it off or enjoys the story and is ready to go afterwards. 

 

The spiciest fantasy is jealousy driven and as such has me discussing what my most jealous scenario would be.  She does not like the stories too close to home, so they are typically changed a little, e.g., sometimes they take place in Medieval times, in a far distant future, etc.


There is a karma side to jealousy. If you let it be, it will let you be.  The Poly literature says that jealousy is a learned trait which can also be “unlearned”.  I say let it fuel your relationship and there are many ways.  Your point about communication is a great one. 

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I always figured that my wife doing something with another partner and/or the way she's doing it is just what she wants from him or her at the time and not from me. It is, in part, a reason why we swing, to get the experience we want from the person who we desire at the time. Particularly when we go out for alone play, one of us wants someone else more than our spouse at that particular time. It's hot for us to talk about afterwards and usually have reclaiming sex. We are happy to give the other that gift.

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I was never jealous of my wife and she was not jealous about me. We shared our sexual adventures and we found it a real thrill

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