Probably the first issue that springs to my mind regarding a couple's decision to explore the Lifestyle is communication.

Before you can interact with others in the lifesyle, open and honest communication between yourself and your signifcant other is crucial. This further expands to include communicating with others. Few things piss off lifestyle couples more than meeting a couple who are not both on the same sheet of music!

Example: We met a couple once in which the wife was portrayed prior to meeting face to face, as bisexual..only to find out that her hubby never bothered to tell her she was. As it turned out, when we brought it up in conversation, she was very vocal about her total lack of interest and her opinion (negative) about women who were. After G and I finished our drinks, we initiated our 'abort mission' plan and wished them a good night. We stopped by another club for a bit on the way home, and when we did get home there was an email from them waiting in our box. The hubby explained that he had 'told a little white lie' that his wife was bi because most couples with bi wives don't hook up with couples who have a straight wife (seriously untrue!)..and then suggested that we were taking our ball and going home because they didn't want to play our way!

Although this particular couple had quite a few concepts wrong, let's take a look the places communication impacted on this encounter - first (ignoring honesty for a minute) if their intention was to accomplish a hookup via this 'white lie' should'nt he have let her in on it? I suspect that he knew better than to even suggest it to her because he knew how she felt! Second, factoring in honesty...wouldn't it have been a lot easier to simply have asked us if we only met with couples with bi women? In this case, they would have gotten a pleasant suprise - putting it simply, just because G is bi doesn't mean she is going to get down with all women. For her, if we are interested in the couple and the wife isn't bi, then it's just a menu item that's not available. We have probably been with an equal number of couples with straight women as we have those with bi women...and we have been with couples with bi women where no bi play happened between them. But in this particular instance, we were not even given a chance to let them know this.

A couple who is considering inviting additional people into their sex life has to know where each other's head is at. What turns her on? What turns him on? What are her fantasies? What are his fantasies? What fantasies do you have in common? Do you want to leave them as fantasies or do you want to try to make them happen? What is she curious about? What is he curious about? What is taboo with her? What is taboo with him? Does it bother her to see him with someone with a tighter body than her? Does it bother him to see her with someone with a bigger dick? Then list goes on and on, but you get the idea. And not only does the relationship have to be open enough to ask such questions..it also has to be strong enough for the answers to be given honestly. If you say you are down with something simply because you think it's what your partner wants to hear..it will bite you in the ass down the road! Now, there is something to realize and remember -- within one's sexuality there are constants and variables. Just because something doesn't appeal to you today doesn't necessarily mean it will always be that way. Some things will..but there are some that you may see in a different light further along the road. And you may also find that things that really turned you on at one time no longer do it. I say this to point out that the nature of communication between a lifesyle couple should be constant and lend itself to review and potential change of past practices.

Once communications between the two of you are up to speed, and you are taking the step of communicating with potential playmates, the basic principles shouldn't change...but understand that many do allow them to; and many actually try to justify it. The encounter I mentioned earlier is an example of someone who felt the end justified the means. There are couples out there who are only interested in a numbers game, and all's fair in racking up one's score. They are usually rather easy to spot for those that have been in the lifestyle for a while...so their favorite prey is usually newbies, and the games they play to get another notch for their bedpost often sours new couples against the lifestyle. Perhaps it's poetic justice that most of these 'by hook or crook' types eventually evolve to a point where they find themselves wanting to find quality relationships..and find that their past reputation forever consigns them to being a notch for someone who is just like they were! My advice to those new to the lifestyle is simple - communicate with others the way you want to be communicated with. Yes, you will be disappointed at times. But the first time you do connect with someone who is hitting you up on equal ground, you will realize that it was worth it. And keep in mind that there are a lot of different forms of communication within the lifestyle..not just email and IMs, but profiles on swing sites, message boards in lifestyle groups, forums, etc..and honesty is just as important in those methods. It's amazing to me how few people realize that they are communicating quite a bit about themselves before they ever contact anyone, and fail to realize that some folks have excellent memories. And quite a few don't realize that they have often been filed in the 'not interested' bin because someone has taken what they have said at face value or in a manner they didn't intend. The fact of the matter is that the down side of internet written communication is that it's very difficult to convey ideas without expressions, inflection, and tone. Add to that the fact that many never learned or retained written communication skills, then just to keep it interesting toss in those who think cell phone text shorthand makes up for it..and things really get convoluted.

For example: A few of us from a site we used to belong to had a meet and greet that we posted to the events board for our area. Nothing too elaborate, a beach pavillion on a fairly secluded beach that we had reserved..simple setup, BYOB, the core organizers chipped in for ice and mixers, meat to BBQ, and attendees who had indicated they would come brought a dish. One of the group DJ'd on the side, and had a tricked out van that he provided good tunes from. People introduced themselves using their member name from the site so that a connection could be made. It had a good turn out..there were 25 - 30 people there at any given time, with maybe 50 total over the course of the day. A few of us had reserved a beach cottage a little further down the beach, and needless to say a more private party was the late night plan. As I said, the purpose of the function was for folks to meet folks, many whom were obviously new to the scene. As is the norm at those kind of events, some folks found folks they were comfortable with and chilled, some met folks they hit it off with and left for parts unknown, so on and so on. However, it was figured out that a more serious thang was going to jump off later at the cottage and as the meet & greet was winding down some people were hanging around hoping to wrangle an invite. We had decided beforehand that we were going to stick with folks who all knew each other for the after party, simply because we didn't want anyone who had attended to feel that not having been invited to the party meant anything. Among the couples hoping for a last minute invite was one in their early thirties who had been taking every chance they could to chat G and I up. G and several of our friends had noticed that they were uncomfortably close to being rude to any obvious first-timers and G could tell I wasn't 'feeling' the wife despite her flirting. They were sitting with ourselves and another couple who are very good friends of our's when I guess they decided to go for broke, and suggested that perhaps we could get together at the cottage and get to know each other better. I was about to make with a 'Thanks, but no thanks' when the female half of our friends (one of the core organizers, who had commented to G earlier about their behavior towards newbies) smiled innocently at them and said, "Oh I don't think you want to do that...wouldn't want you to be creeped out!" Everyone's brow raised and gave her the WTF? look, which she just as sweetly answered by saying, "Just the other day, did'nt you post on the forum that swinging with people old enough to be your parents would really creep you out?" As the wife glared at him (guess we know who posted that one!) the husband stammered something to G like 'you don't look that old' and of course, I couldn't resist pointing out, "Now would be a real good time for you to fold your tent and slip silently in to the night...!"

In summary...just be upfront with others. I have rarely told anyone they shouldn't say something - If you feel strongly about something, by all means go for it. But understand that you can paint yourself in to a corner by thinking that others in the lifestyle are not paying attention. A question that I have often posed to people is, "This is what I heard...is it what you meant to say?"