Etiquette when meeting new couples

Twice we have met new couples with the plan of dinner and then attending an on-premise club. My question is are we being rude, should we do something differently? Here are the scenarios:

The first time we had no intention of playing after dinner, but we all went to the club. We did not give them any indication verbally or body language wise we'd be playing, but did encourage them to meet us at the club. Should we have told them outright, "There's no way in hell we're playing with you?" We got there first and started talking to other couples. At the club we talked to the couple we had dinner with and tried to hit on another couple and my husband and I danced together. We did not play with anyone. We said goodbye to the couple we came with.

The second time (different couple) the plan was once again dinner then club. We met and dinner went fairly well, but my husband and I were both so-so about them. Husband did mention at dinner that we had corresponded with other couples who would be at club. We got to the club about a half hour before them b/c they went home to change clothes. Before they got there we started flirting with a couple we had talked to online. We really hit it off with this couple. We did introduce the dinner couple to another couple we knew and danced with them once, but otherwise pretty much blew them off in favor of the new couple. We played with the new couple (and had an awesome time!) By the time we were done the dinner couple had left, so we didn't say bye.

When I recognize I'm not interested in someone I tend to not make eye contact, move away from them touching me and start flirting with someone I do find attractive.

So, I felt kind of bad blowing these initial couples off and asked my husband. He said, "Yeah, I guess we are kind of being dickish..." So, are we?

When I meet someone for a date (couple or single) i stress that the first date is vanilla only, NO PRESSURE, and about getting to know others. This keeps me from making promises I can't keep.

When you say that you are going out to dinner with them, then attending an on premise club, you give someone the idea that yes you are going to play, and when you change your mind suddenly or start ignoring someone..yes, that really is a dick move. If that happened to me I would be extremely insulted.

Avoid the issue all together until you both come to a decision on whether or not you're going to play with a couple. Tell them after you both have had a chance to speak to each other that you guys are either going home after dinner (you don't want to play) or you're going to the club and would be delighted if they can join (you want to play). If they say no, its either because they don't want to play or they have stuff they need to get done and don't have time to go to a club. Talk to them after about setting up a play date after everyone has had some time to make a decision.

This way, you know everyone is at least into the idea of having some naked fun time and you don't have any of this awkward problems.

So, I felt kind of bad blowing these initial couples off and asked my husband. He said, "Yeah, I guess we are kind of being dickish..." So, are we?

As you relate the information, and my interpretation of it, I'd have to say yes, it is a little dickish. But, if I'm understanding the process, I think you're needlessly setting yourself up to look this way.

Am I correct in assuming the dinner date and the club visit are on the same night? If so, by going to the club with the other couple after dinner, you're saying "yes, we're interested" by saying nothing. They're going to assume all is going well unless you come straight out and say "we're not interested".

I'd consider separating dinner from the club visit. Have a vanilla dinner date one night, and if all goes well, set up a club night date for a later time. That will kill any expectations and lessen the disappointment for potential couples that turn out to not be a good match.

FWIW, we don't do the dinner date thing unless we feel really, really good about the couple. Otherwise, we tell them we'll be at "the club" on a certain night, and would enjoy meeting them there if they attend.

two4youinswva said:

As you relate the information, and my interpretation of it, I'd have to say yes, it is a little dickish. But, if I'm understanding the process, I think you're needlessly setting yourself up to look this way.

 

Am I correct in assuming the dinner date and the club visit are on the same night? If so, by going to the club with the other couple after dinner, you're saying "yes, we're interested" by saying nothing. They're going to assume all is going well unless you come straight out and say "we're not interested".

 

I'd consider separating dinner from the club visit. Have a vanilla dinner date one night, and if all goes well, set up a club night date for a later time. That will kill any expectations and lessen the disappointment for potential couples that turn out to not be a good match.

 

FWIW, we don't do the dinner date thing unless we feel really, really good about the couple. Otherwise, we tell them we'll be at "the club" on a certain night, and would enjoy meeting them there if they attend.

That is the plan we use also, there have been people over the years We were glad not to have to share a whole meal with. Out of conversation topics and desire before the appetizer was there.

The situation with the first couple was they were new and wanted to meet for dinner to feel more comfortable. We were already planning to go to the club and were supposed to be mtg other couples for husband's birthday. They knew this ahead of time.

The second couple we offered to meet at the club, but thought it would be nice to meet over dinner first since it's easier to talk that way. I guess it would have been better to just offer meet at club?

I guess it would have been better to just offer meet at club?

I think so. It keeps expectations lower. If we have dinner with someone, and then it proceeds to a club (especially an on-premises club), we're most likely going to interpret it as an escalation to greater potential of a hook-up that evening. If you just meet them at a club, you can cut bait as quickly as necessary in a friendly manner, and give the other couple time to concentrate on a better suited match up that evening.

I have to agree with Mr. two4you regarding this situation.

If you're going to dinner, then going to a club, it would almost seem to us that you're saying you want to have dinner then go play.

If you say we'll meet you at the club, that would send us a different vibe that we're only going to meet at the club and we'll take it from there.

If you want to have dinner with these couples, I'd make it a vanilla affair and then either go home afterward or do something else.

I do think it's important to express that it's never a good thing (for any couple) to meet anyone with expectations. Expectations lead to hurt feelings and sour grapes if nothing happens. We have no clubs here, so we often do dinner with potential (and those we've already played with) playmates, and we love it. We get a chance to visit and talk and we're pretty shameless, we don't care who hears.

Good luck!!

We typically will just meet at the club. It makes it easier to talk about sexual topics than a public place as well as offering alternatives if nothing comes of the meet. That being said, we've not done many "cold" meetings at clubs and have never been in a situation to say no thanks. Emails and chats have worked well for us to pick compatible couples.

In the first case, if they new you were meeting others than perhaps not so much a bad move. In the second case, the move to the club was perhaps an implied invitation. But to be there earlier and find another opportunity before the other couple arrived, that was not the best move.

I recall a situation recently where we went to a local swing club, last minute decision. We ran into some friends there,and they were meeting friends for play. Our friends' friends met us and really were interested in playing with us. We felt really in the middle of things and declined since they were there on a "date" with our friends, though not the first one..so perhaps not as big of a deal. But still they were expecting to play together. (Though we did hook up with friends' friends much later in the eve)

I think the pre-planning of a night of dinner and the club does feel a little play positive for most couples. My thinking would be "obviously they are interested and just want dinner first to cement that since they are already making plans to follow dinner with an environment where we can actually play". Either cutting dinner out of the picture totally or still meeting for dinner/drinks before the club is fine...but either 1. don't tell them you plan to go to the club afterwards unless you are actually playing or 2. just say "we would like to meet and see if we click. we already planned to go to club xyz, we can see if things click and if not, then there are still opportunities to explore"

I know meeting in a restaurant or some quieter place before is more ideal for conversation...but as you said...it does seem a bit dickish to invite a couple to the club after dinner and then totally blow them off b/c for most people the invite to an on premise club afterwards does indicate a level of interest that you do not seem to have in these couples.

Ill agree with others, if you are giving them the plans on dinner then club, they probably are thinking that you want to go further than just talking.

What we would do is either meet the new couple at dinner and not suggest any kind of activity afterwards, or just plan on meeting at the club (or in our case it would be called meeting at the party, since we have no on site clubs here).

Either way, if you dont click, you dont click. We will tell people that we dont click that way if they dont seem to understand the body language (very rarely have had to go that far), but I bet we also mess up ourselves on the other side, where we are the ones not understanding the body language.

two4youinswva said:

FWIW, we don't do the dinner date thing unless we feel really, really good about the couple. Otherwise, we tell them we'll be at "the club" on a certain night, and would enjoy meeting them there if they attend.

That's what we have learned as well. Dinner + club implies a possibility - and for us there are NO possibilities until we meet and click. Much easier to meet AT the club with no expectations.

Thank you guys all for your feedback! We really want to treat everyone right and have fun. We'll definitely heed your advice in the future.

Dinner just wasn't that important to us. We used to say we'd "have dinner with anybody." It was always our first step and was no indicator at all to us. Nobody ever said, "We don't want to go out for dinner with y'all, 'cause y'all might think we want to fuck you." We almost never fucked in restaurants.

Did anybody ever talk to y'all about your egos?

Dinner just wasn't that important to us. We used to say we'd "have dinner with anybody." It was always our first step and was no indicator at all to us. Nobody ever said, "We don't want to go out for dinner with y'all, 'cause y'all might think we want to fuck you." We almost never fucked in restaurants.

 

Did anybody ever talk to y'all about your egos?

 

Alura

Almost?

What's the matter with my ego?

Almost?

 

What's the matter with my ego?

The emphasis is yours, Beautiful.

Alura

Yes, you lead them on. When you encouraged them to meet you at the club, it's really no different than inviting them home with you or to a hotel. And yes, in any of those cases you would have the option to back out and not actually play, however you would still be expected to be upfront about that decision. If you invite them to a club and then spend your time focused on other people or just blow them off, it's just rude.

In the future it would probably be best to only meet another couple for dinner with no plans for anything beyond that. That way if you aren't interested you can just go on about your night and no one feels bad.

Almost?

It sometimes seems to me that one should rarely speak in absolutes. Don't you agree?

Alura

Totally dickish. Just not good first date material, stick to a vanilla date. If they are future fun worthy then meet up with them again. This reminds me of one of the last dates myself and Mr.learning went on before our hiatus. We met with the couple, had a nice dinner, then they wanted to hit another place, and then another(per their desire) We thought it was a decent date until 4 days later we get the rejection email...it would have been proper if they would have just said "it's nice to meet you but we are not into you" after the first place and call it a night. The more you linger, the more dickish it becomes.

Agreed, Alura! Mr. Sweet and I tend not to assume anything means playtime except an outright invitation to do so. That said, we realize not everyone sees things that way, and are careful not to lead anyone on.

Funcoupledayton, I don't see what you've done as "dickish", since it wasn't your intent to lead them on, and you did go to a club versus a hotel after dinner. That said, I can see their side of things, too, so erring on the side of caution next time might be advised.