bbarnsworth

There's an old piece of advice here that is very, very relevant: In getting into swinging or hotwifing, always go at the pace of the slower person. Some couples take years, and that's ok. My wife and I took eight months. Some couples take a weekend. No I'm not joking Whatever works for you is exactly the right speed. You say your wife is good at hiding stuff. That can be a bit of a problem. It's important for mutual communication to become very strong. It can take time to develop that, to get to the point that she feels comfortable divulging her innermost secrets. Even coming to an understanding of them to the point that she can articulate them may take a long time. There's growth here. She's gaining a deeper understanding of herself and exploring it. It's hard to know you two as a couple with just a few posts. But, at a guess, it sounds like she wants you to help her explore her erotic self. Think of this is sort of a Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs sort of thing (if you've never heard of that, look it up!) She's exploring the self actualization aspects of herself. Part of this can be scary for some people. We're programmed from an early age that monogamy is a must, and cheating is the death of a relationship. Well, having sex with consent isn't cheating. So that becomes a really difficult concept to wrap one's brain around. Rewiring the brain to think of this as something that benefits a relationship can be a slow and quite scary process. Questions can arise like, "Just how much of a slut am I anyway?" "Do I really want to be a slut?" (it's not being a slut) "Will my husband really still love me?" "Why are we doing this? Isn't it enough for us together?" and on and on and on. We're not raised in such a way that we have a tool set to manage this. It can take time to acquire this, and gain enough understanding of oneself and the relationship to get to the point of being able to do it. I'm just looking at web reviews, and Le Boudoir appears to be an upscale lifestyle/sex club. That might be too much all at once for your wife, even if the two of you are just observers. I can't judge that; only the two of you can. I mentioned above about going to a regular (non-lifestyle) club. If you go to such an upscale club, and your wife dresses nicely and in a slightly to moderately provocative way, you can have her go in ahead of you and take up a seat at the bar. You can come in 10 minutes later, and take up a chair at a table or a booth or something, where you can watch your wife. She can feel comfortable knowing you've got her back in the event some guy gets pushy. An advantage to this is your wife doesn't have to do anything except sit there and look pretty. This can be beneficial in a number of ways. First, many women think poorly of their appearance, even if they're quite beautiful. Men coming up to her will show her she is attractive, even if she doesn't think so. Two, the possibility of another man...even just the possibility...can super ignite your sexual appetites for each other. It's important to embrace though that if no one comes up to her it doesn't mean she's not attractive. Just the wrong group of people that night. I mentioned hotwifing above because of something you said; about how your wife would react to you watching another woman. Hotwifing comes in many shapes and forms, but the basic principle is that the wife of a couple has sex with other men, while the husband (generally) doesn't have sex with other women. This sounds very much like what your wife might be comfortable with as you move forward. Maybe down the road she might be willing to involve another couple. Right now, I suspect (based only on what you said) that she wouldn't be too comfortable with you flirting with another woman or softswapping with another woman. There's another term to learn; compersion. Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy. A person experiences compersion by actively being aroused/excited/enjoying their partner having sex with other people. For me, I absolutely "have" (like it's a disease? haha) compersion. I think my wife having sex with other people is incredibly erotic, and I love it when she has lots of fun. The more fun she has, the more fun I have. There's been times when she's been having literally toe curling sex with another man while I am there, and hearing her sounds and watching her motions is just flat out incredible. Is it possible you are wired this way too? You noted about how much it excites you to see how turned on she gets. Imagine how turned on you might be watching another man have sex with your wife and she's thoroughly enjoying it. Is that you? That might be the basis of some conversation with your wife, to encourage her to understand that it's really about her, and not about you wanting to be with other women. Maybe other women might come later, but who knows? That's up to the two of you. I hope that's some things to think about and maybe discuss with your wife. Please feel free to keep asking questions! We're happy to help! Oh and one more thing; you asked about meet and greets. Here's a Reddit thread that might get you started on finding meet and greets in England: https://www.reddit.com/r/UKSwinging/comments/1c65nuc/swinger_meet_and_greet_uk/

Keep nurturing conversation. You can also try some things, like going to a strip club together (if she is bi, or bi curious). You can go to a regular club too, with her dressed somewhat provocatively and let her explore reactions of men around her. You could go to a swinger's "meet and greet"; things usually don't happen onsite, but it opens possibilities. Lots of ways to have a look at the water, if not dip your toe in it. With all of these you can then discuss with her how she felt, what seemed exciting, etc.

Some instruments are longer than others. 😆

People talk about different... I've got another angle on this. When my wife and I got into the lifestyle, we discovered over several partners that the SOUNDS she makes are different with every partner. It's not intentional. It's just how it comes out. I found this intriguing and fun to experience as an observer I had a friend from high school who married young, just a year out of high school. He'd been married about three years when we had a discussion about differences in women. By this point, I'd had sex with four different women. For him, it was just his wife. He asked me "Is it any different with other women?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was always different with each woman.

Concur with lcmim. I don't want to sit here in denial of some of the issues raised. But, overall, I call bullshit. New account, single post. I see agenda written all over this. Sorry, go troll somewhere else. Women don't have a sex drive. Good grief.

With respect to my fellow forum members, I'm going to have to disagree that Amy's response is very thoughtful. My reasons are threefold; one she presumes that a married couple with kids can't engage in this lifestyle. That's utterly false. Two, she presumes that opening the marriage will automatically induce additional stress. Three, she presumes that opening up a marriage will likely lead to ending it, yet doesn't back it up with any supporting evidence. She just presumes it will likely end the marriage. So, the short form is "It's ok to try it if you like stress, don't have kids, and want to end your marriage. Go for it!" Sorry, I'm not on board. I find her response judgmental, cynical, and deeply critical.

Eric, read what has been said above, and read it again...and again and again and again. I would be exceptionally careful in making sure your wife is really onboard with you playing, and she not. If you don't have absolutely 100% open communication, there might be something brewing here that you know nothing about. Heart to heart communication is key here. Why do you want to play? Is there anything in it for her? Why does she want you to play? How will she feel when you come home after just having had sex with another woman? Or, would she get to watch? There's a lot of details here and I'm just scratching the surface. In 15 years, we have bumped into only a single married couple where the husband played but the wife didn't. The wife of the other couple and I really clicked, but she wasn't playing, only her husband was. My wife wasn't interested because the husband smoked. So, nothing happened. Others above are very correct; single guys are very, very, very common in the lifestyle. You are going to have to put together a fantastic profile on a swinger dating such as swinglifestyle.com. And I do mean FANTASTIC. To date, including the subject line and your three posts so far, you've managed to eek out 23 words. My wife and I do look for single males from time to time. But, if we found a profile with 23 words, we'd think "Ok, he's not really into this and hasn't put any effort forward into creating a great profile. Next!" It's trivially easy to discount single male profiles. Don't make it easy. Have a very complete, very detailed profile. Have great pictures, perhaps professionally done. You don't have to be naked in them (and as Shy_Couple said, do NOT include dick picks!), but you do have to look well groomed and in shape. If you don't get them professionally done, don't take selfies in mirrors with your cat's dirty cat pan behind you. Don't take selfies with empty Budweiser cans sitting on your dresser. Don't take selfies with you unshaven for a day. Etc. Etc. Etc. Be clear about the kind of arrangement you want, what you're up for, what you're comfortable with. Be clear you are married and playing with permission AND CAN PROVE IT. If your wife isn't willing to confirm you are playing with permission, this isn't going to go anywhere.

Haven't been, but I'll be in the area around that time. Unfortunately, I'll be visiting with someone. She's aware of my wife and I being in the lifestyle, but has no interest in it. So, can't say we could join you. Sorry nobody else has responded. Best advice? Try it. Who knows how it will go? Looking at the website, it seems like it's a very nice place!

HHgirl, it can be tricky to line everything up. We have young adults at home too, which can make it chaotic. We don't play at home for this reason. At least, not now. We have at times played at home. One time, my wife's boyfriend came over. He was known to them so it wasn't odd for him to be around. I took the kids out for ice cream. I thought I'd been gone long enough for them to get a reasonable sex session in. But, when we got home I realized they were still in our bedroom. I had to usher the kids to another part of the house. They were young enough at the time that nothing was suspected. My wife had a number of sessions at home with a different boyfriend later. In those cases, the kids were at school and it was during the day, so no worries about them walking in the door. Now, it can happen any time. We have an app on all family phones that display where everyone is. This is partly for safety, but also for ensuring no surprises Though, this is becoming less dependable now. So, we don't play at home and haven't for a while now. What we expected to happen as we got into the lifestyle way back was that my wife would need to go solo to the home of any boyfriends she developed. We always thought this would happen; if she found a guy she really enjoyed having sex with, better to keep him around. Given that, she'd likely be satisfying his sexual needs, so going to his place on a fairly frequent basis was likely going to be the case. And that's how it turned out with boyfriend #1. Boyfriend #2 was a bit far away for that to work out very much.

Well, we all have our dreams, don't we? Who's to say his is any weirder than any of ours? Still, the chances of him getting what he's looking for are about as good as him personally finding WALL-E roaming around Venus. But, there's zero chance if he doesn't try. Two thumbs up for trying.

Society strongly views cheating as a marriage breaker. If discovered, it's quite often the end of the marriage. Yet, ~50% of marriages in America have one or the other (or both!) partners cheating. No small wonder then that so many marriages end in divorce. So, if cheating is a possibility we get VERY worked up about it, looking for clues in the shadows, piecing together bits of disparate 'evidence', and concluding..."Yep, there's cheating going on, I'm just sure of it!" even though there's no smoking gun, per se. There's an old saying; in any sufficiently large scenario/organization, if you believe there's a conspiracy going on, dig hard enough and you will find evidence of it...even if it never existed. For this guy, there could be pieces of evidence that point to cheating going on, yet nothing actually going on. There's no way to be 100% certain without a smoking gun. The problem is the insecurity and jealousy will feed itself and generate problems alllll on its own even without there being cheating going on. If he confronts his wife without a smoking gun, she will be hurt...most especially if she isn't cheating. If he digs hard looking for evidence, she may start to suspect he suspects her of cheating, and if she isn't it too will cause damage to the relationship. There's no easy way through this, short of hiring ($$$) a very discreet private investigator to do the spying for you. Personally, I would not and could not accept a cheating partner. Trust is very, very important to me not from the stand point of my wife having sex with other men (obviously, since we're on this forum) but for the underpinnings of the relationship. It's a key component. I couldn't be in a marriage that didn't have that. I know from experience; I tried staying in a relationship where I cheated and my then long term girlfriend cheated (both roughly about the same time). We tried for ~2 years to make it work. Ultimately, it didn't...in large part because of the cheating, even though it never happened again. It's not the sex, it's the trust. Not all people are the same. Some people are fine not having trust as a pivotal underpinning of a relationship. If this guy is among those, that not knowing for certain about her cheating might be ideal...if he can let go of society's desperate need to act and act NOW to end the marriage because of infidelity. I'm reminded of someone who posted something here many years ago. He came home to his wife fucking a random guy in their bedroom. When he came in, he could hear them going at it. They had not detected his arrival at home. He had a choice; confront his wife and end things or join them. He chose the latter, and they stayed together. For some people that works. For me, it wouldn't, but for some it does. Thus, Numex, no I don't think your advice was bad advice. It offers another perspective, and one that probably up ended his thought process. For all we know he's now turned on by the thought of his wife cheating

UncleOops; while cumming fast might be a concern, there's a 180 flip of this that could happen as well. Quite a few men report that their first encounter in swinging resulted in Mr. Happy having a difficult time rising to the occasion. There's a misconception about men that we're all walking hormones, and just the tiniest bit of stimulation (which could be the sexy woman next door bending over in her garden to pluck some weeds) will result in rock hard erections. It just isn't so. I was 41 on her first swinging encounter. I was in good shape, healthy, all good to go. No reason to believe I would have a problem with an erection. I'd never had a problem before. We played with another couple. The woman in question was rather sexy, and of a different body type than my wife which made it all the more exciting; something new! Mentally, I was really into it...like WOW this is awesome! My wife was making delightful sounds as the husband of the other couple was playing with her. Everything good to go, right? Nope. While I did get an erection, I had some difficulty with it. About a month later, we played with the same couple. Zero problems. There's just no way to know how you will react in your first encounter, much less how Mr. Happy will react. He's got a mind of his own and cares not for the thoughts of the brain upstairs. Go into your first encounter with no expectations other than having a good time for the evening. Whatever happens (or doesn't) is good. And don't drink

Trying too hard to make it work is certainly a concern. Consider though; this isn't a romantic relationship per se, even though you might play with them for years. I mean, you might fall in love with them (you and your husband both). But, even with that it's not a standard relationship. You don't have to make everything work well. You don't have to agree on finances, who does what chores, who's doing the errand that needs to be done tonight, etc. One of the pleasures of this lifestyle is that you only have to figure out how to click sexually (if you play with them once or many times) and as friends (if you play with them many times). It's less complex :) Enjoy it for what it is, and don't stress too much about whether it's "perfect"; you'll never find that. It's a bit like an age old definition of a relationship; what their quirks are don't annoy you and vice versa. Everyone has quirks. Except in this case, the set of possible things that could be quirks that might annoy you are less because there are fewer things you have to worry about.

(take with a grain of salt; guy speaking here) I don't think it should set of alarm bells. Everybody has a kink here or there. None of us are 'normal' (whatever the hell that means). If they're clean, I don't see the harm.

What GoldCoCouple said * 1000. Even 10,000. Aww heck make it a million. I'm serious. Having totally open communication is key to successful swinging. It's something you do together. You can't do that without total communication. As GoldCoCouple said, it needs to be without judgement. Be supportive, allow her to explore her fantasies and perhaps help make them come to reality when she is ready. It doesn't sound at all like you are, but you can't talk her into it. You can open doors, let her know you are 100% onboard, but allow her to walk through that mental/emotional door.