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terryanddar

I think this is one sided. She won't let us play with girls

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I met my girlfriend a little over 3 years ago . I have been turned on by one girl and multiple men since I was around 19 , when I had my first threesome with a couple that picked me up at a bar . I opened an account online and have met a few couples . This will probably sound strange , but I responded to an online add , where I first met my girlfriend ,she was single . She wanted to party with some guys at a bar and maybe go to a hotel after . I have to lie to my friends and family about how we met , but oh well . Anyway we really hit it off at a gangbang of all places . We have been pretty solid for the last 3 years . We have had threesomes and moresomes all with men but no women . Both of us have only done the one girl multi guy scenario . We have done it together and we have also done it before we knew each other . She said she would try a couple but backs out at the last minute and say's she doesn't like the guy . This summer we had our first positive response from a female . She said she doesn't want to do a threesome with a girl it does nothing for her . She has been with about 15 guys in different scenarios over the last three years , we have done this as a couple . I've told her how much I want to try 2 women at once , at least once in my life and she's not budging . Is this hopeless ? Any advice please ?

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So I have mixed feelings as I read this post.

 

On one side of the coin, you have a woman who knows exactly what she wants and from what it sounds like, has been very open about it. It has made you happy but you have since decided that you want more out of your experiences.

 

Many couples have only one who is interested in swinging and one who isn't and it's not anyone's fault. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to do something so like anyone who reaches this point in their lives, you have to ask which is more important?

 

It doesn't sound like she ever mislead you but instead probably agreed and later backed out. Some could call this selfish but I look at it like this. It's not what she wants and it may never. Some may say that if she loves you she should try to see things from your perspective and try to meet your needs also.

 

It sounds like you are both young and you two need to talk about this and if this is a strong desire that you feel is not going away then you need to work through it like a partnership or face some tough choices. Many married people find them at this point in their lives and accept a negative response because they truly love their SO above their own desires.

 

The question is do you? It doesn't sound like you're married but you can't expect someone to do something for you simply because you do it for them. Love isn't like that. So to answer your question, yes, it's one sided but your looking for fairness and we accept those we love as they are and sometimes it's lopsided.

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Some may say that if she loves you she should try to see things from your perspective and try to meet your needs also.

 

Uhhhh......DUH

 

I guess I'm "Some".

 

It doesn't sound like you're married but you can't expect someone to do something for you simply because you do it for them. Love isn't like that.

 

The hell it isn't. It's a two way street.

 

What are your girlfriend's reasons for not including a woman?

 

Seems obvious to me.

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I'm not saying it's a bad thing . I am very aroused by our current status . I just want to try it once . I don't think that is so bad .

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The hell it isn't. It's a two way street.

 

If it really turned my wife on and she really wanted me to have sex with another man while she watched, I don't care how much I love her its not going to happen. There are limits to the street.

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Seems obvious to me.

 

But without additional data, what is obvious to you is merely the construction you're giving it. Plus, there really is information in the reasons people give, even when they're merely explanations and not the reasons themselves.

 

OP, one of the reasons many of us do not recommend one-sided sex is because of the underlying unfairness of it, which might cause problems in the relationship. For some couples, it can work out, with the question of fairness/unfairness not a part of their relationship, but clearly it isn't working for you.

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I love sharing her , watching her , etc . I want to have more fun . How easy is it to get 1 or more men to join a couple? I really want to try this . If that is selfish , I don't know ?

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We both love her being the center of attention . I like watching ,she likes performing . Our sex life goes crazy , for whatever reasons when she takes a new partner . I would like to try this , with two girls just once .

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terryanddar, please check your email (your spam folder too) for a confirmation message from swingersboard to verify your account. Until you do this all of your posts will go into moderation and not be visible until they are approved, which could take a while.

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My thoughs on this is a threesome does not mean she needs to play with the woman, it could be both women pleasuring you and you them.

 

As for jealousy, well that is a different issue, one you two need to discuss in depth. You seem to have be able to handle the green monster, you need to figure out why she has not. I would not case it s as fair or unfair, but illogical that one side manages to deal with jealousy and the other side happily takes advantage, but the situation is not even attempted to be reciprocated.

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The hell it isn't. It's a two way street.

 

OMG, really? If you get your wife flowers, you automatically expect her to get you something? What happened to the love isn't selfish part? You don't do things and expect reciprocation. You do things out of love, not because you want something back. If you knew all along like this guy did from the very start, this his girl was into gang bangs, and you accepted that then you can't come back later and say, okay, I've been doing this for three years, it's my turn. You can ask but never expect otherwise it's not a partnership, it's a dictatorship.

 

Seems obvious to me.

 

How about adding something constructive to the post instead of being a critic. This doesn't help the poster or provide anything to the conversation.

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terryanddar, how much have you two talked about FMF threesomes or couple swapping? Have they been in depth, open, and honest? Have they taken place outside of the bedroom? I think it's only normal to have a curiosity for something different like a FMF threesome or couple swapping after seeing your partner have a MFM--especially after so many years of doing the same thing.

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We have talked about changing things up in the bedroom , outside the bedroom . She never get's overly excited about the idea . In the bedroom she does talk a good game . Our add is for single str8 males , couples or str8 females . 90 % of the responses we get are from males , the other 10 % are couples . We have had only 1 female respond . When we look through them she rules out or skips the couples .

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When we look through them she rules out or skips the couples .

 

Well, yeah, and I'm guessing it's because she doesn't want you to be with another woman. But, that's a guess. So, it's time to have a series of conversations outside of your bedroom that focus on honesty. She gets to tell you what she is and isn't up for, what she really wants and what she doesn't want. And this time? No pretending. Then you get to decide how you feel about that, just like she gets to decide how she feels about your desire to have a threesome with two women.

 

While you work this out, I'd strongly suggest staying away from sex with others, for a whole bunch of reasons.

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I don't want to stop swinging , nor does she , and we are not fighting or at odds . I'm not going to cheat on her over an opportunity that has come and gone or for any reason. To be quite honest I love having threesomes more with someone I love than I did as the single guest of other couples . There is no bigger turn on for me and her as well . The whole process , searching , anticipating , first meeting , her getting ready and coming out of the bathroom naked with just a couple pieces of jewelry on with her hair and makeup done , to the first contact . They are the most erotic experiences I 've ever had . I guess we'll change what we are looking for in our profile . Are we still swingers or some variant then ?

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I don't want to stop swinging , nor does she , and we are not fighting or at odds . I'm not going to cheat on her over an opportunity that has come and gone or for any reason. To be quite honest I love having threesomes more with someone I love than I did as the single guest of other couples . There is no bigger turn on for me and her as well . The whole process , searching , anticipating , first meeting , her getting ready and coming out of the bathroom naked with just a couple pieces of jewelry on with her hair and makeup done , to the first contact . They are the most erotic experiences I 've ever had . I guess we'll change what we are looking for in our profile . Are we still swingers or some variant then ?

 

While I'm one of those people who think words matter in terms of language and clarity, on your personal level it doesn't matter. If you are happy with your activities it doesn't matter if it "classical swinging" or some variant.

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As long as it's not cuckolding . lol .

 

Nothing wrong with it, if its your thing. It's just not swinging :)

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terry, as Chicup mentioned, don't get too hung up on whether you two are engaging in "swinging" or not or if it is labeled as anything. However, what I am concerned about is whether this issue is going to continue hanging in the air between you two. If you two continue to be in this relationship, I would highly recommend mauijane's advice and have a series of conversations dealing with what each of you wants, likes, and don't want from future sexual experiences with others. If you two want to be in this relationship for years to come, it is important that you two can be open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. If she is feeling jealous, then it is best that she be honest with you and herself. If she isn't jealous and just not interested, she also needs to make that clear with you. Communication is important in making a relationship function, whether a couple swings or not. Since you two aren't married, now is the time to see if you both have similar goals and desires in life.

 

There are at least three different situations that can arise:

 

1. You two don't talk about how your girlfriend honestly feels about you having sex with another woman, your curiosity continues to fester until resentment builds up--not good for the relationship.

 

2. You two don't talk about it, you decide to drop the FMF threesome idea and never think about it again--relationship may/may not continue.

 

3. You two do talk about it, she is honest about her feelings and you two decide how to proceed from there--a better communication and feeling of being open with each other strengthens the relationship.

 

Yes, with option 3 there is the possibility that you two decide that you two aren't compatible but would you rather not know that and continue in a relationship that would probably end eventually--maybe even after you two are married? Or would you rather know now and decide whether to find a more suitable partner?

 

I know I am being practical and it's easy to do that since I'm not involved. I am also going on very limited information so only you can decide whether this advice applies to you or not. If you take anything away from my post, I do hope it is that you and your girlfriend need to focus on communicating with each other honestly about each of your needs and desires. It is a very critical skill in any relationship.

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Well, in our opinion it would only seem one-sided if one of you were not in agreement or feeling left out (aka....feeling of not fair play). If you are both satisfied with the MFM threesome all is good.

 

Prior to even becoming involved in any threesome, we both agreed that, as my wife is not in any way interested in any close sexual contact with another female, that at this point in time there is no interest in an FMF. She was more interested in the MFM. We discussed this before our first MFM experience and we were both in agreement with the situation.

 

In our own situation and limited experience, we have been involved in an on-going and more or less frequent MFM threesome with another male. As I get really sexually aroused as seeing Mrs Trophy play sexually with another male and really enjoy participating, and Mrs gets her need for two men at the same time, we are all comfortable, have good clean fun, and are all sexually satisfied with the experience at this time.

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terry, as Chicup mentioned, don't get too hung up on whether you two are engaging in "swinging" or not or if it is labeled as anything. However, what I am concerned about is whether this issue is going to continue hanging in the air between you two. If you two continue to be in this relationship, I would highly recommend mauijane's advice and have a series of conversations dealing with what each of you wants, likes, and don't want from future sexual experiences with others. If you two want to be in this relationship for years to come, it is important that you two can be open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. If she is feeling jealous, then it is best that she be honest with you and herself. If she isn't jealous and just not interested, she also needs to make that clear with you. Communication is important in making a relationship function, whether a couple swings or not. Since you two aren't married, now is the time to see if you both have similar goals and desires in life.

 

Here are some thinks we have discussed and in some cases reaffirmed .

1. As far as marriage goes we don't think it matters if we do or if we don't , neither of us want children , and what is a wedding mean if neither are religious ?

2. It is in part because she doesn't care to invite another women to join us due to lack of arousal , but mainly she says she would get jealous and does not want the chance of resentment towards me .

3. She would like to do threesomes and gangbangs with men only , as often or as long as I am fine with it . List of reasons include it is her favorite and mine , we both really get off on it and share a common kink . She likes to be watched , shared . photographed and video taped by me , it makes her feel sexy . It is working so far , if it ain't broke don't fix it .

4. If I never have two woman at once , oh well . I think there was some inferior feeling I may have had because I' ve been with about 30 women and she has been with more than 100 men . Kind of childish on my part I know .

5. If not all swingers do couples or fmf , than I guess we are not alone , who cares what it is called .

6. I do feel very included , she calls out my name when we swing , engages me with verbal " dirty talk " , prolonged physical and eye contact , passionate kisses etc.

7. It is about the experience and all of the benefits that come before , after and during .

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1. As far as marriage goes we don't think it matters if we do or if we don't , neither of us want children ,

 

Tax laws, inheritance laws, pension rights etc etc you really should get advice there children or not but let's not get into that here.

 

It seems obvious that the situation is unfair and bothering you.

 

The real question in my mind is "hypothetically" what would happen if you closed down the gangbangs or mmf threesomes because she won't share. What WOULD she do? That seems to be the fundamental question here.

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Sorry I meant the question more from the perspective of would she stay with you if she can't have these activities or would she leave if you were to say enough is enough?

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Yes , I'm very sure she would . Over the last year we have really slowed down compared to the first two years . Our last gangbang , not huge , two guests was summer 2012 . In 2013 we had four threesomes , three with the same guy . All were me asking for them .

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I assume you were saying she would stay you weren't specific:lol:

 

This is a fairly new relationship for you and to a certain extent you are still in the honeymoon period. One thing I have come to understand is that as a relationship ages unfair situations can really start to tear a relationship apart. Couples always go through periods where power struggles erupt (I like it this way you like it that way) and most get resolved by compromise or they spin out of control and turn into ongoing feuds or the relationship ends. They become fodder to throw out everytime you have a spat and after a while you find both parties entrenched in their positions and no longer listening. to each other.

 

From your perspective it is obvioius this unfairness is bothering you immensely and if she is not prepared to compromise then the swinging/threesomes/gangbangs should be ended.

 

Obviously you can always resume them should she change her mind but for your own peace of mind I say end them until she can be more even handed about it. Good luck!

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