So I'm not exactly sure this is where this question would go, but I don't know where else other than a swinger website to post about it.
My husband and I have been swinging for 10+ years, over the last 2 or so I haven't been in the mood to swing and doing the reverse of what would be the normal swinging pattern (starting looking for just girls, moving on to soft swap with couples, changing to full swap with couples) we started looking for the single girls at the end instead of the beginning. Which as everyone knows the elusive unicorn is typically difficult to obtain.
We have had girl friends in the swinging side of things over the years, the time involved just is too consuming. We make a very good living and so we decided to start on Sugar Baby websites.
My problem isn't aimed on the fact that we are dealing with sugar babies...just giving some background information.
I'm not even sure exactly what my issue is, and as I said previously this seemed like the only place to explain and possibly have someone that may somewhat understand.
Anytime my husband wants to be alone with whatever girl it is I flip out.
I feel like steel bands are across my chest and the anxiety is crazy...
I don't care if he is in the same room playing with her, I don't care if we are in a suite and they play in the other room, I don't care if I am sleeping and they are playing.
It's when I have to be somewhere else and he doesn't want to be alone so he asks to have company, or he needs to go somewhere and I can't join him and again he doesn't want to be alone.
At these times he asks me if whatever person can go with him or be with him etc...I initially always say no, he gets upset "that I would rather him be unhappy and lonely" and I typically cave thinking either I will get through it or he will somehow take my feelings more into account because he knows that I don't really want it to happen. Neither of which ever happen...
What happens instead is I end up clawing at the walls waiting to hear from him alternating between mad at myself and upset with him and her. If it's late night or over night I can't sleep I just drive myself crazy...
Then comes the moment of reckoning, he's back and I am upset and he can't understand why I would be upset when I told him to do it. I turn into the "selfish harpy" (my words not his) because I would prefer him to be unhappy.
When in truth the whole reason I say he can do it to begin with is because I do truly want him to be happy, I just can't stand how I feel during and afterwards. I don't feel like the good/cool wife, I feel like a pushover which I am normally not... which he will point out how can I be so weak that I allow something I know that I can't handle. I don't know why. I just continue to do it to myself.
I don't like feeling crazy, so it's not like I am a glutton for punishment or crave to feel like this... I don't get off on it, I don't like feeling upset and hurt towards him. Typically I then distance us from whoever it was that he spent this time with and cut all contact because I transfer all the hurt feelings to that person. It's the only way for me to really move on I think.
He can't understand why it's okay if I am around but not okay if I am not. I don't have an answer as to why there is a difference there just is. He thinks it's because I am a control freak and have to control his movements, I don't feel like that's the case. Because it is okay if I am sleeping, in which case I'm not in "control" just around.
I feel like I am being replaced I guess...it's no longer an us thing, it's a him and her thing. I feel like an after thought. It's not a good feeling. Calling and texting I feel like I am interrupting and an inconvenience.
The last time which just happened was the worst/longest 30+ hours where at the end I feel just drained and still not completely at peace. He doesn't do details well, so full disclosure doesn't typically happen...and I continue to ask for more information (which I get upset over so I get it, he would rather not tell me). I need things to make sense, I need timelines to match up and when they don't I get a little crazier than I already am at that point. I want him to hurry home not take his time and enjoy himself, I want him to realize I am waiting and going crazy.
He is the love of my life and my other half, I can't imagine my life without him...I am very happy with him in our everyday lives, that's not the issue. It's these moments that I have a hard time with.
How do I make it make sense...to him or to myself. How do I let it go and move on easier. How can I explain that it's not rational thoughts that just because it's okay when I am there doesn't mean it's okay all the time. And there isn't a thought out reason, it's just feelings. How do you explain why you have a feeling...how do you break down that feeling into all its parts?
I can't just not care, I wish I could...it would be easier.
I still enjoy going out on dates with girls with him, and taking them back to the hotel room. It's something that we do together that we get away for the weekend and enjoy.
How do I separate that from him going alone, how do i specify a difference when to him there isn't one.
We aren't at an impasse our life together isn't swaying on a platform or anything like that, and he has agreed no more solo trips...and we aren't arguing, but I still feel off kilter. He says something or I see something and it just makes me upset...not really mad, not completely crazy but just off.
I have agreed not to be such a pushover when it comes to this particular subject.
The girl on the last trip actually recorded part of their time together...I talked her into letting me buy the recording... at which point i deleted her from my phone. I didn't really think about him when I deleted it...at that moment I just wanted her gone. Of course he feels like I did it on purpose and asked how I would feel if he had deleted something. I would feel like he was hiding something, I wasn't...again not rational thought just going off of feelings.
I don't know what I am looking for here, I don't know if I will find what I am looking for anywhere. I guess just a place to maybe get someone Else's insight, there aren't very many places or people you can talk to about these kind of things.
He's not an epic asshole or a bad person, and understand this is my side of things and my thoughts and feelings so please no bashing if you have read this far.