Single guy reply here- I always ask if I am talking to the couple just one on one. If it is the male, I am more comfortable, if the female I ask her to contact me when the husband is home. I have found it helps with the jealousy issues. Also helps to make friends first, talk to them a few times in a social atmosphere to find out what the boundries are, invite the couple over to show I am not married, etc, etc. If one asks me to meet them by themselves, I must have proof, in person that the other spouse knows about our meeting and is okay with it. I feel that a delicate relationship must be based on truth and communication.
For the record, I have also lost my "cache" of IM. Not sure if it didn't shut down correctly or what, but I can understand the suspicions. Hope you and your wife are able to work thru all of this....swinging should enhance your marriage, not tear it apart.