soft swing deception

[JustAskJulie]

I just heard an idea from a couple of putting in their profile that they are soft-swing only even though they are actually full-swap, for the purpose of eliminating any contact from swingers who were just out for the sex and not looking to actually develop relationships/friendships.

What is your take on this? How would you feel if you were a soft-swinging couple that contacted this couple? Or if you were a full-swap couple that suddenly found out that this couple was now an option when you might have thought otherwise based on their profile?

How do you feel about this type of deception, is it ok?

[N&G]

It sounds like a dumb idea to me. Why would anyone believe that all soft swappers are looking for relationships and all full swappers are just looking for sex? Many full swap couples will probably not respond to their ad and soft swap couples aren't looking for full swap. As a full swap couple we would not be especially interested in responding to a soft swap only profile although sometimes exceptions could be made. It sounds to me like typical internet BS where deception is the rule instead of simply being honest about what you want and expecting the same from others.

Greg

[good times]

You know, we just ran into a couple at the club recently that told everybody, including us, that they were soft swap only. The next night we saw them and, quite frankly, kind of blew them off because we just aren't into the soft swap thing. They kept hanging around us and finally asked if we would be interested in getting a room and swapping. Seems like kind of the hard way to go about it to me. In this case they were pretty hot so we didn't really give the deception angle much thought, but now that I think about it, I can't help but think that the other people they told that they were only soft swap might be offended if they were to find out that they then turned around and swapped with someone else. It seems to me that the fact that they are being deceptive would hurt them much more than the deception would help them in the long run.

[NandTfromCA]

Deception is not good.

We don't, nor do we expect everyone to tell us everything. But when it comes to the pertinent info like "what you want to do with us", it's key.

It's ironic that someone will lie to try and get someone else to tell the truth.

[lookingfornow]

We think it is really sad and agree fully with N&G--how dumb. But, I think it is a reflection of the increasing number of couples experimenting with swinging without having really looked into themselves and their relationships to see what they are all about. One of the things that we really like about the small number of committed lifestyle couples that we have met is how well adjusted they seem to be regarding not only their sexuality, but themselves. I think the deception is an outgrowth of the large number of "dabblers" that are now around who aren't sure about who they are because they haven't really dealt with the deeper questions of why they are drawn to swinging. That confusion in who they are and what they are after manifests itself in (among other things) their inability to accurately describe what they are interested in or comfortable with doing.

[Spoomonkey]

There are plenty of soft swing couples - and we just don't contact them. They don't contact us either. Nothing against them - and no offense taken - but we just really wouldn't be compatible.

So, the couples (if they are out there) who do that are simply going to be passed over by most. There was a point where we decided that we would play soft with soft play couples if they wanted - but we realized that when we do that what "soft swing" often meant was "we can do what we want, but you best not step over any lines with us."

In our worst experience, the husband went down on Mrs Spoo - which I assumed meant we were all okay with ALL of us doing that - even goofy little me But apparently, not so much...

Needless to say - things ended quickly...

Plus - there are so many full swap couples - couples that you can develop friendships with - that we decided, "what's the point?" We just don't have room in our social calendars for soft swingers.

If someone pretended to want what we wanted - just to get to know us - only to bait and switch - we'd be pretty pissed.

Spoomonkey

[Mike and Jan]

Well, sounds like they want to get to know the couples before the full swap sex...,

So, doesn't that make them a soft-swing 'at first' couple?

Maybe that's the way they should have worded it.

[WesternSwing]

I have to say that deception is deception, and if they are doing this just because they don't want to have sex on the first date, then what else are they lying about? It just seems like a dumb way to go about it. They should just say in their profile "we don't like to play on the first date". Then others know they are full swap but won't expect any on the first meeting.

Mr. WS

[ohash01]

I can see why people do that. Mr. and I advertise as soft-swing...simply because that's what we are AT THIS MOMENT. Are we opposed to full swing? Nope. We just need to find the most ideal couple before we make the choice. At that point, we will probably change our profiles, but with the stipulations...you know..."full swap if we are VERY comfortable". We don't think it's fair to put full swap as an option yet, then have full swap couples contacting us...they'd be disappointed with us. It's not deception - it's just keeping us from having to answer all those messages with a negative. Like "sorry - not yet". I always feel like poo when I have to do that.

[GotBatteries?]

We are full but we decided to slow things down and go soft swap so we contacted this couple that advertised themselves as softswap. We all hit it off really well and eventually we found ourselves in a nekkid puddle with them.
Right in the middle of these festivities, she turns to him and says 'You want to fuck her dont you? Go ahead.'

Huh? Mr and I both, instantly, called time out and the four of us had some long discussions. Not just about false advertising, but also about her chosing who I get to fuck. :rollseyes

I think that maybe couples go with the 'soft swap and maybe full swap with the right couple' because they want to soft swap with a couple first and see how it goes before committing to the full swap.

[JP51]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I just heard an idea from a couple of putting in their profile that they are soft-swing only even though they are actually full-swap, for the purpose of eliminating any contact from swingers who were just out for the sex and not looking to actually develop relationships/friendships.

How do you feel about this type of deception, is it ok?

If they are looking for more of a relationship then they need to just say it up front! This deception would not make me a happy camper and if we did hit it off, would make me back away, wondering what "other" deceptions are they running on us? I would most likely end it at that point.

[BiloxiCouple]

Deception = Liars and I don't like liars.

[ibn battuta]

I guess I could understand why they would do it... if the couple only has done soft swaps before but is considering a full swap if they can meet the right people, feel comfortable etc, then I guess advertising for a soft swap and hoping for a full is ok... but even under those circumstances I really don't think its a good idea. First, as many others have already stated, honesty and open communication are essential to the whole process. If the individuals come into an encounter under false pretenses, I doubt any good could come of it.
Also it seems rather selfish to me. While the couple that placed their add may be in some respect protecting themselves from couples that "just want sex", they seem to be assuming that a soft swaping couple wants a long lasting relationship or at least a more platonic relationship, which may not be the case. The add placing couple seems to be unconcerned with the feelings or wants of the soft couple.
I guess it just seems like a power trip to me. The soft swapping couple will come into the encounter expecting one thing, then suddenly (if the couple that placed the add deems them worthy) the fake soft couple will spring a whole different level upon the unknowing couple. Most likely the soft couple will either leave the encounter annoyed and upset, or they will be pressured into going through with a full swap. Again, not what I would want to happen.

Hopefully my response makes sense. I always find it hard writing about nameless people.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I just heard an idea from a couple of putting in their profile that they are soft-swing only even though they are actually full-swap, for the purpose of eliminating any contact from swingers who were just out for the sex and not looking to actually develop relationships/friendships.

The reasoning behind their decision is flawed. But they may be inexperienced swingers and don't realize that whether a couple is soft swing or full swap has nothing to do with whether swingers have an interest in developing a friendship before playing.

What is your take on this? How would you feel if you were a soft-swinging couple that contacted this couple?

If they surprised us with fliping into full-swap mode during some soft play, we'd not be happy about that if it hadn't been discussed and agreed upon beforehand. I do think a number of swingers who are newer to swinging want soft swing but are open to full swap, once they find the right couple. So they list themselves as soft swing only so as not to jump the gun if they aren't yet sure of playing that way with a full-swap couple.

Or if you were a full-swap couple that suddenly found out that this couple was now an option when you might have thought otherwise based on their profile?

We've had this happen and it was fine with us since, in our profile, we say we are open to soft swing and full swap. We have had some great times doing only soft swing with couples whose profiles say they are only soft swing, which for us means everything except penetration with a play partner. (BTW, we clarify what we both mean by soft swing before we meet.)

One couple who was soft swing had their first full swap with us because they felt comfortable with us.

How do you feel about this type of deception, is it ok?

I think whether it is deceptive or not depends on WHY the couple says they are soft swing only. In other words, what's their motivation and reasoning behind doing it; is it to be tricky or to move slowly?

As an example of another kind. I used to have myself listed on our ad site profile as bisexual, but when I made that change (from bicurious), more couples contacted us who were obviously most interested in girl-girl play. That is not my focus. I consider myself an 80/20, and that 80% wants a MAN. So I changed my status back to 'straight' and still have my profile written as before, which says that I am open to soft play with women when there is mutual agreement and compatibility, however, men are my priority. This has eliminated the hassle of contacts from couples more interested in girl-on-girl action. Am I being deceptive by listing myself as 'straight?' I don't think so because in my profile I clarify my stand on bisexual play.

LM

[Sweet_Candy]

Had to post this email banter we had with a couple that solicited us. This is not the first time we’ve received a solicitation like this. To us this is deception from the beginning which we tend to shy away from and we tried to let them down without ruffling their feathers.

Fun****

Wow! Who knew that such deep debates over politics and world conflict occur on CT. LOL! We have enjoyed looking at your profile and think that we might have some common interests. We enjoy both witty conversation and FUN times. Let us know if you would like to meet for dinner, drinks, or whatever!

Sweet_Candy

Thank you for your interest your pics and profile are nice as well. We do see a red flag in your profile, we are full swap and prefer the same. Other than that everything else was great. Good luck in your pursuits.

Fun****

Sorry, that red flag should only be yellow. We actually PREFER full swap if the chemistry is right. We had that on our profile for a while but found out that it really turned off some of our 'just seeking friends/soft swap only' friends. (Afraid that we were going to jump them. LOL) Also, we kept on getting contacted by couples wanting sex ONLY. Does that info change anything?

Sweet_Candy

We are here for sex with benefits, if we become friends even better. When we go out there's intent but never an expectation. We make sure those we are going out with are not wasting our time with wanting to be friends/softswap only. That might change your desire for us?

Fun****

We are FUN friends. But... we both have to like you before we become FUN friends with benefits. If you want to meet us for dinner, drinks, dancing, hanging out in the hot tub, or whatever, just contact us. Otherwise, we enjoyed chatting with you and understand! FUN, FUN, FUN!

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Edited out any reference to other couple's screen name.