Couple with a Single Female: Who pays for the room...?

[HisnHersnYours]

wow! so many responses! thanks so much for all the great advice! i'll admit when you join a new forum there's always that initial worry what the ppl will be like and everyone here is so nice and helpful, so thanks.

To start, DH and i didnt even have to discuss much about who picks up the tab, we both pretty much assumed we are the couple, she is the single female, we pay. like i said, we've NEVER done this and i was actually surprised to read that single females shouldnt expect the couple to pay. we just figured that was the norm. either way, we plan on paying. The plan is taking her to eat, then for drinks, then back to the room. we just hadnt planned on an extra hotel room.

On the subject of sleepovers, i would have to say i really like the suggestion of another room. the OP hit the nail on the head concerning the "after glow", the sex between him and i later & the next morning awkwardness. that makes a lot of sense to me.

i did talk to her and she said all cute like "i could always drive home if thats an issue, i dont want you uncomfortable at all" i kept thinking *shes adorable!* "no we DONT want you to go home!" it does take me a bit longer to get to the full on sex, thats my hangup (probably because its our first time, the one on one with previous girl and i was much easier and WAS more of a "woo'ing" type situation) i guess i am more of the "woo'er". she was totally okay with taking it a bit slower and going with the vibe of the night. looking back at our conversation she is so down to earth and easy going it really makes me want her more. as ive said for me attraction isnt all about looks and i found when i first told her i had to take it slow, after we talked about it, im pretty much full on ready now. LOL.

so im going to call the hotel and ask for an extra room, i do think that would be best. we will foot the bill because thats just how my husband is. but i can see why this lifestyle is expensive, at this rate we wont be able to play as often maybe as we like. i did hear julie that it doesnt have to be that way, unfortunately for us it does, my husband wouldnt have it any other way. he's a southern gentleman at heart.

so problem solved. this place is awesome! its like overnight answers, i LOVE it! cant say thank you enough

[SnowwwWhite]

So if you were still single and didn't offer to pick up the tab for a couple, would you be offended when they "notice" you aren't being generous, they are turned off and take it to mean that you don't value them or want to spend time with them?

I only have vanilla dating situations to go by, but I've never been on a date where I didn't offer to pay for at least part of it. And with my manners I doubt I would ever offend someone I just met or give the impression I expected any sort of compensation.

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

I'm really surprised at the number of people who don't like hearing this point of view. Sorry guys, but not everyone has years and years of swinging experience and has gotten used to meeting for a down-and-dirty rendezvous. If you plan to meet inexperienced single females you may need to consider where they're coming from before judging them. Some of them may be accustomed to being treated very well and will notice when they're not. Who wouldn't?

I'm not about to apologize for having been treated well in life or expecting people I meet to have a minimal amount of class. I simply have an opinion. Whether it's popular or not doesn't give license for people to attack it and try to turn it into a single girl who's "expecting" to be paid for services rendered.

[SnowwwWhite]

we will foot the bill because thats just how my husband is... my husband wouldnt have it any other way. he's a southern gentleman at heart.

I'm so glad you wrote that... maybe part of the reason I feel the way I do is that I'm from the South... I'm so used to Southern gentlemen that I've gotten spoiled.

I know that not all men from the South have that generosity but I'd have to say from my experience many of them have an inherent level of class when dealing with females... whether they're friends or family, married or single, and I'm guessing "vanilla or swinger."

[JustAskJulie]

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

I don't think anyone is questioning (at least I'm not) the idea of treating others (singles or not) with generosity. It's one thing to offer to pay (and most people will), it's a different picture when ANYONE is assuming or expecting that someone else will pay. The latter idea is what I got from your earlier posts - that you EXPECT others to pay (or to at least offer to pay and would consider it rude if they did not).

[WeMayTryIt]

I only have vanilla dating situations to go by, but I've never been on a date where I didn't offer to pay for at least part of it. And with my manners I doubt I would ever someone I just met or give the impression I expected any sort of compensation.

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

I'm really surprised at the number of people who don't like hearing this point of view. Sorry guys, but not everyone has years and years of swinging experience and has gotten used to meeting for a down-and-dirty rendezvous. If you plan to meet inexperienced single females you may need to consider where they're coming from before judging them. Some of them may be accustomed to being treated very well and will notice when they're not. Who wouldn't?

I'm not about to apologize for having been treated well in life or expecting people I meet to have a minimal amount of class. I simply have an opinion. Whether it's popular or not doesn't give license for people to attack it and try to turn it into a single girl who's "expecting" to be paid for services rendered.

I hold no animosity at all toward you. Is it so anathema to want to treat the couples you meet with generosity? As you were doing, I'm just bringing a little perspective to the subject. While I personally would never consider the possibility of NOT offering generosity to a single female, neither would I consider not offering generosity to another couple or a single male. I'm not speaking about you with this comment, as I don't know you, but a lot of the single females we've encountered not only expect generosity to be offered to them, as though it's a right, the thought that they should offer to pick up a tab is reprehensible to them. It's a bit of the spoiled diva syndrome. Having said that, we have met plenty of single females who are NOT that way. They are usually the ones we feel most generous toward in the end. Single females aren't the only ones who are used to being treated well, with respect and a minimal amount of class, and they shouldn't feel they are owed such any more than a couple is. My point is simply that what we expect of others, we should be willing to offer back, regardless of whether we're talking about couples or singles.

[two42lovers]

We've had our share of play-dates with single women, and many encounters turned into sleepovers, with the three of us sleeping in the same bed. Since our circumstances allow for it, we prefer to play in our home - or our playmate's home. No need for a hotel. We also have a spare bedroom.

When we take a single woman out for drinks or dinner, we pick up the tab. Glad to do it. No expectations.

[WeMayTryIt]

When we take a single woman out for drinks or dinner, we pick up the tab. Glad to do it. No expectations.

As do we. Sometimes, the lack of expectation is quite one-sided.

[good times]

I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

The simple answer to this question is, yes, most swingers I know, whether a couple, or single for that matter, would be offended by someone who assumed they were somehow "special" and expected to be treated with "generosity". And no, I am not trying to attack you personally, I am simply trying to help you understand an important distinction between what it is being a single and dating, and what it is to be a swinger.

You are either a swinger or not, whether you are single or a couple makes no difference, a swinger is a swinger.

So if you want to be wined and dined, stick to dating other singles. If, on the other hand, you like casual recreational sex with others, don't expect to have the other pay your way, or even offer to. Because you need to understand that they believe you are doing it for the same reason they are. Therefore, it would never occur to your average couple that they should offer pay your way. And it would seriously insult them if they new that you expected them to make the offer.

In fact, once you gain more swinging experience, you will probably find that it would be insulting to you if someone did offer to pay your way. The reason for that is that it implies that they are trying to buy your services, or make you obligated to them. And whether they admit it, or even realize what they are doing was trying to make you feel obliged to service them, or not, at some point, that is exactly what they would be doing.

It is one thing to buy somebody a drink or cover the dinner check without any expectation or obligation. But once you start having someone pay for your hotel room, travel expenses, or any other large ticket item, you are going to be, or at least feel, obligated to them. To often in swinging, once you get to the play room, you will find yourself in a play situation that isn't working for you. At that point, the last thing you want is to feel obligated in such a way that you can't just politely leave.

[HisnHersnYours]

after speaking with her again about the extra room i get the feeling she is a bit disappointed. she mentioned a couple times its no problem to drive home that its not that much of a hassle. i dont know if its because she wanted to stay with us or because she's worried about us spending the money on her. even so she does still want to get together and is being very understanding about my reasons. i mentioned if we have drinks it would be best if she didnt drive and that we'd love to get her a room if she'd like. so shes going to think about it and thats where we are at.

snow white, i do understand where you are coming from. im imagining a single female could be thinking a number of different things. its possible it doesnt even occur to her to pay (people are different and it doesnt mean shes a bad person), its possible friends are telling her its right for us to pay (these friends could be vanilla as well and are thinking in dating terms), she could be new to this lifestyle and only have experiences where dates have paid and not know any different. A lot of people when they are the ones doing the inviting (like on a date) they do the paying. like in this case. and of course we didnt think anything of it because we already expected it of ourselves. i dont know my head is spinning on this one, but im glad you spoke your mind. its important to get all perspectives. so you thoughts are welcome on this thread *hugs*

[good times]

My guess is that even though she has met you, she doesn't want to feel obligated by having you pay for the room. My opinion is that this is a good sign, we would do the same with any other couple we were planning on meeting. An early lesson you learn in the lifestyle is not to put yourself in a position that makes you feel obligated to play. By the same token, another thing soon learned is if you offer to pay it will make some folks uncomfortable, and it isn't unusual for just the offer made to be a deal breaker.

I would try to work it out and communicate more with her, were I in your position, as it sounds like she is a good one.

[HisnHersnYours]

the funny thing about that is i was the one who opened that can of worms and told her that full on sex may not neccessarily happen that i wanted to take it slow. so my thinking is i dont want to waste her time and her money on something that may not happen. i would feel horrible if she got a room, wanted sex and things didnt go that far, which is why i offered. but she was of the same mind as me in saying we will take the evening as it comes. so as far as expectations, there are none. boy this is more complicated than i thought. LOL.

[Dynamar]

You, as a couple, need just-the-two-of-you time to reconnect after playing with anybody, single or other couple or whatever. The single female needs the same thing... well, in my case, it's watching a little Sportscenter and rolling over and going to sleep, alone, to snore like a freight train in blissful privacy.

Since your room is comped, why not offer to split a second room for her? She's making the effort to come a ways, I'm assuming, to meet you and that shows a lot about her comfort level and desire to meet up with you. Everybody wins.

And for the record, I don't expect anybody to pay my way. If a couple offered to split a room for me, I'd be very flattered and appreciative and depending on the situation, may not even take them up on it.

Bottom line, everybody needs time in their separate quarters after playtime.

[HisnHersnYours]

You, as a couple, need just-the-two-of-you time to reconnect after playing with anybody, single or other couple or whatever. The single female needs the same thing... well, in my case, it's watching a little Sportscenter and rolling over and going to sleep, alone, to snore like a freight train in blissful privacy.

Since your room is comped, why not offer to split a second room for her? She's making the effort to come a ways, I'm assuming, to meet you and that shows a lot about her comfort level and desire to meet up with you. Everybody wins.

And for the record, I don't expect anybody to pay my way. If a couple offered to split a room for me, I'd be very flattered and appreciative and depending on the situation, may not even take them up on it.

Bottom line, everybody needs time in their separate quarters after playtime.

Im in total agreement with you on that one. well everything is cleared up. we talked and shes still very excited, not offended i offered a room but she did decline and offered to drive home. that is her perogative. i dont drink much anyway so it wont be a big deal to go easy for her sake. sounds like she is looking forward to it just as much as us, should be a fun evening!

[sexcupid]

I think perhaps you need to clarify with her what exactly she had in mind. If her previous experiences have been all three people falling asleep in the same bed...then perhaps she just assumed that's how things would go with y'all?

I mean, I've only had one threesome experience where I was the single female....it was with friends and perhaps because of that, it played out a little differently than most...we all fell asleep in the same bed...had another round...went out to dinner (which they paid for)...and it was quite a nice experience.

If you aren't comfortable with a pile up in the same room at the end of the night...that's cool. But maybe she just doesn't want to feel like 'that was fun, you need to leave now! kthxbye!' lol

[jdavisauto]

If we ever going to meet anyone at a location that we all have to drive far to reach then the details will have to be worked out ahead of time, where she will sleep, meals and even the morning meals if she sleeps with us. We even talk about travel arrangements and even the expenses. For the most part if we invite someone we usually pay for all. But also being a retired Army Ranger I / we are ready for anything to happen if she or us change our minds or if problems arises. Good communications between everyone will head off most problems before they even happen.