He wants to swing...I don't want to...and it's killing me!!!

[Bad Sandy]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Much the same happens with sexual desires, the desire people have for their spouses or the desires they have for other people. It is something that either is there, or it isn't. There's nothing to understand able to "awake" a desire that isn't there in the first place.

It seems to me you don't desire sex with others than your husband, that your desire to fulfill your husbands desires and expectations, and this leads you to desire to be able to desire sex with others, and for this to happen, that there should be something to understand about this whole thing.

I find it funny how multiple people can read the same thread and feel completely different about it. Babysteps, I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I WAS YOU! I absolutely had an "awakening" to my desires. For me it began with very frank fantasizing during sex. My husband and I discovered we both found our best friends sexually attractive. Our steamy pillow talk about them began an awakening in me I had NO idea was there. Unlike most, I think you are absolutely going to be swinging at some point. I too have a habit of researching things to death. But mainly because I like to look at all the angles of an issue. I encourage you to keep exploring your issues for as long as you need to.

And as an aside, everyone keeps telling you to talk to your spouse about it, but I want you to know that it is ok if you need to work this through a bit on your own too. I didn't want to get my husband's hopes up so I pondered the subject for months without him knowing. He was quite suprised when I said, you know, I think I'd like to try swinging. Everyone does things in their own way, and as long as you maintain respect for each other, it's ok.

Sandy

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Bad Sandy

I find it funny how multiple people can read the same thread and feel completely different about it. Babysteps, I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I WAS YOU! I absolutely had an "awakening" to my desires. For me it began with very frank fantasizing during sex. My husband and I discovered we both found our best friends sexually attractive. Our steamy pillow talk about them began an awakening in me I had NO idea was there. Unlike most, I think you are absolutely going to be swinging at some point. I too have a habit of researching things to death. But mainly because I like to look at all the angles of an issue. I encourage you to keep exploring your issues for as long as you need to.

Unlike you, it doesn't seems she has an "awakening" to her desires. She said she has a husband who swung before meet her, who's telling her he misses it and he'd like her to give it a try, and that she'd love to be able to fulfill his desires.

Not everyone approaches the lifestyle by doing the same path, nor comming from the same place. When we read a story, we may choose to find out what it has in common with our own story, or what makes it different.

Like you, my wife had her own "awakening", it took 10 years for her to have it and make up her mind about swinging. And yet, I choose to focus on the differences. It'd be easy to say "go for it" when you won't be there should something blow up in their faces, but I preferred a conservative approach to swinging for ourselves, and I believe this is something healthy, so I prefer to take the time to dig in deepth in every aspect bringing me doubts before taking a cheering atittude.

She has the right to explore every aspect of this, and up to me, she's most than welcome to discuss whatever she need in this board. But while my doubts remains, I will keep advicing her to not swing.

Originally Posted by Bad Sandy

And as an aside, everyone keeps telling you to talk to your spouse about it, but I want you to know that it is ok if you need to work this through a bit on your own too. I didn't want to get my husband's hopes up so I pondered the subject for months without him knowing. He was quite suprised when I said, you know, I think I'd like to try swinging. Everyone does things in their own way, and as long as you maintain respect for each other, it's ok.

I wholly agree with you here.

[sexsexsex]

swinging is fun

[sexsexsex]

but you have to be carefull on what you do

[Bad Sandy]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

I prefer to take the time to dig in deepth in every aspect bringing me doubts before taking a cheering atittude.

I hope I didn't appear to be telling her to just go for it! She absolutely has to explore her doubts inside and out before deciding anything. I certainly did. It was probably 3 years from the first suggestion of a threesome by my husband until the day I decided to give it a whirl. The first several years I flat out refused to even consider it. Baby steps is at a point I didn't even get to until I was almost ready to try. I suppose that is why it seems to me like she's likely to try it. I may just be projecting my experience onto hers, which you point out, could be wrong. Thanks.

Sandy

[Fringeswinger]

Babysteps,

I sent you a private message to answer your question of me. Hadn't been on in a while so sorry for the lateness of reply.

Fringeswinger

[Neofree]

Babysteps, you might try seeing if he's interested in going to a club to look around and maybe play together only. Or meet up with a couple for same room sex. Just have a strict no touch rule... No saying if it will ever be more. This is what me and my wife have agreed on. Still havent gone yet though.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Neofree

Babysteps, you might try seeing if he's interested in going to a club to look around and maybe play together only. Or meet up with a couple for same room sex. Just have a strict no touch rule... No saying if it will ever be more. This is what me and my wife have agreed on. Still havent gone yet though.

LOL, she's not the one here trying to convince him about this, but it seems it's the other way around.

[Neofree]

No I got that. But I mean it might be a comprimise she's willing to make and leave it open from there. Just make no promises. Recommended starting point no matter what your intentions are.

[Fringeswinger]

[ Ask him to start off with very tame fantasies. Don't jump right into swinging! Try flirting with the waiter or the sales associate at the electronics store. Try dressing up sexy and go to the mall or something. Have him let you know when he notices someone eyeing you up. It's just fun! It's just play! Don't assume the worst; just trust him and...play![/QUOTE]

What a great idea! I think we all pretty much know how he will react, but put the shoe on the other foot. Ask HIM to flirt around in your presence and see how YOU feel!

I accidentally fell into this myself, and that's what told me I couldn't handle the reality (but the fantasy still blows me away). If I have posted this before I apologize.

At my wife's office Christmas Party last year, she wanted to dance and I didn't want to (except slow dancing, I hate dancing - I'm uncoordinated and it makes me feel stupid). Anyway, I suggested she dance with an attractive younger male co-worker who liked to dance. All the other ladies liked to dance with him too, probably because not only is he good, but the other husband's don't like to dance any more than I do. Cool.

Anyway, they danced together to some rock song or something, no problem, then came back to the table. As a few other people were standing around next to our table, he made some funny comment or told a joke or something. Everyone laughed (including me) and my wife who was standing next to him, gently and obviously squeezed his arm or playfully punched his shoulder or something like that.

My reaction was a second of rage! Totally internalized and not noticible to anyone else, but I got so jealous that she paid any kind of attention to this guy! How dare she? Only I am allowed to make her laugh! She can't touch ANY one else in ANY way even if in public in a group of fully clothed people!

How ridiculous! You have to know my wife and how stupid it is to even think that she would in her wildest dreams feel an attraction to anyone but me, much less only attempt to make me jealous. After that second I was just pissed off at myself for even being pissed off. Perfectly innocent everyday behavior that I'm SURE I myself have engaged in (OK but not with dancing involved). No justification for any jealousy AT ALL, but there it was, and I felt it!

Now I have been married to my wife for going on 15 years with 3 kids behind us. No problems, and we continue to slowly explore and sometimes add a few things to our repitoires (although we are really tame by this board's standards). My point is you sometimes do not know how you will react in a certain situation, especially one involving someone you love and trust.

That little unplanned test pretty much told me that although my biggest fantasy is and continues to be to see her with another guy or girl or do a threesome, I don't believe I could handle the physical reality.

Isn't that strange?