Partner signals?

[celtic239]

My wife and I just visited our first club. We haven't swung but have been to clothing optional resorts on three occassions. We sat down for the interview to join the club and we were treated to a great conversation/tutorial about being comfortable with the lifestyle. One of the questions was if we had a set of "signals" that we could use to "communicate" with each other. We hadn't and then my wife asked "if you were to want to make a signal, what would it look like?". I must confess she has a point. Without giving away any trade secrets how does one signal your partner. Do you use a code word for danger and a different one for "I lust after...", a hand signal for "I'm nervous" or "Where's the bathroom?" if someone oversteps their bounds do you blow a whistle, throw a flag and call a 15 yard personal foul?
All kidding aside, I have purchased five books on swinging and other than some brief statements there are no examples of what a signal actually entails.
Any help is greatly appreciated.

[JTcamp05]

I can always tell what my wife is thinking just by looking at her. I guess after a number of years we dont need signs or signals. I think you would have no problem figguring out what she is thinking if you "pay attention" to her!

[slevin]

Don't be afraid to call a timeout to step aside and talk amongst each other. Let any couple that you're talking to know that you are new to this, excited to explore it but are a bit nervous at the same time. If something comes up and you're not comfortable, no need for a signal. Speak up and say you aren't comfortable. Have a signal too because many women don't feel comfortable speaking up, let her give you a signal when she needs to talk (can be a word, a phrase or a hand signal; we recommend a word). When you see the sign, step up and take control; let them know you just want to step back for a minute, take the chance to talk with your wife.

If you've been together for a while I think you will find that you will recognize when your wife isn't comfortable without the signals and conversations. A little story for you: When we met up with a couple to play and had talked about doing a full-swap for the first time my wife and I were excited but really quite nervous at the same time. We were all naked and having fun and the time came to make that leap to the fullswap; I took one look at Katrina and I knew she wasn't comfortable. She didn't signal me or anything, but I got the sense that she was more nervous than was healthy for the situation and uncomfortable with going through with it. I just spoke up and said I wasn't ready for a full-swap that night (note I didn't say she wasn't ready, I said I wasn't ready, which was also half true). Everyone was cool with it and we went back to the soft-swap we were having a lot of fun with. Once we left and Katrina and I were alone we debriefed and she was thankful that I took charge and said I wasn't ready for the full-swap. She wasn't up for it and was glad to not have to be put in the position of being the 'wet blanket' since she was having a great time and was excited about the full-swap even though she wasn't quite ready. She appreciated my assertiveness.

The other couple totally understood and we saw them again a few more times to play, my stepping up like that didn't impact our fun with them at all. If it did impact it, well then they would be a couple we would not be interested in seeing again anyway.

[fun4Ds]

I think some signals work for socializing. Their not exactly trade secrets, its up to you what might work. We have heard a few and tried creating our own. Like, if I said while we were at a club "I need a shot of whiskey" Mrs fun would know, I want the hell out of here. (I don't drink while we are out on the town). Designated driver... If Mrs fun said something totally out of character, I would know something is up. We always pay attention to each other. We cant always see and hear everything though.

Now if its to the point of passionate sex. Like, if Mrs.fun had one person licking her pussy and a cock in each hand, and I said "I need a shot" She would probably say " make mine a double " I mean seriously, its like we said, we each have the right to say "STOP" Code words might fly out the window when things are in the heat of passion.

Never have we had sex with someone, before our little "are we are sure about this" conversation. Then we allow each other complete freedom to do as we please sexually. It takes more of a straight up "STOP" at that point. And there is nothing wrong with that. It happens. Don't be afraid or intimidated by anything or anyone, to say "STOP" Its not a weapon or a tool..... Its a right !

[screaminggood]

We talk when they excuse themselves to go to the restroom or get another drink from the bar, but mostly, if we noticed them in the beginning, we've already identified them as potential playmates or not. If it's a single man, I'll directly tell him that I'm interested but need to talk with my hubby privately first.

[Greg & Sheryl]

We've never used signals while at a club. We merely ask each other, "What do you think?" In a darkened room with loud music playing, we can lean into each other and have that private conversation even if the couple we are chatting with are sitting at the same table or in the same booth.

[jjtrindc]

When we first started, we were curious about the signals as well. For some couples it's literally hand gestures (kinda like signaling to steal second base)...for others it's a code phrase. We finally decided that for us it was just a bit too complicated and too easy for something to be misinterpreted. Having been together for so long, we generally have a pretty good idea of what each other is thinking. We also go into situations with a general understanding of our boundaries for that night. Ultimately, we find a way to talk privately to check in with each other whether that means going to have a dance or refreshing our drinks.

[good times]

Funny that someone would mention this that is presumably experienced in the lifestyle. The reason I say this is that I have yet to meet anyone who has been swinging for very long that "secret signals" have actually worked for. The fact is, like a lot of folks, when we were new, we tried this and it didn't work very well.

Like most of the others that have responded here, we use the direct approach. Once we have met someone and determined their is a mutual interest, we excuse ourselves and discuss whether we are both on the same page privately. We don't even hide anything from the other couple. We usually say something like, "we are going to discuss this privately, be back in a minute". Once play starts we are equally as direct, if things are not going well for either of us, that person will stop and say so to all involved, and we will politely exit. That hardly ever happens, but it does happen, usually because of lack of communication of what is expected before we get to the play room. But sometimes it is also just that the person you thought would be compatible with you on first meeting turns out to just not do it for you at all in the bedroom.

Point is, secret signals and such just lead to confusion, direct communication is always best.

[BiloxiCouple]

Good times made some very good points. We do similar things.

We still have a code word just in case. More often than not we can look at each other and know what the other is thinking, especially if we are thinking about not doing something. 21 years of marriage helps with the non-verbal clues.

[The Fuse]

We have hand signals for "yes, I'm into this person" or "no, I'm not". We use them while in the midst of a conversation with another couple. I'm sure that we've at some point just excused ourselves to talk between ourselves as well. I don't think there's any reason to try to hide what you're doing when you do that, as long as you are polite. Just like Good Times said.

We've never changed our minds once play started, but if that were to happen hopefully the one who changed their mind would simply get up and get the other, or let them finish if that were cool given the situation.

We've never tried a code word. Too much to keep track of. Mr. Fuse would definitely space on it, and I might too.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by jjtrindc

Having been together for so long, we generally have a pretty good idea of what each other is thinking. We also go into situations with a general understanding of our boundaries for that night. Ultimately, we find a way to talk privately to check in with each other whether that means going to have a dance or refreshing our drinks.

Ditto for us. We can usually tell with just a glance what the other is thinking, whether they are just making conversation and flirting or something more. If the something more seems to be going well all around, then we just make an opportunity for a few moments of directly talking to each other about where it may lead, make sure we're both on the same wavelength, and proceed on.