New to this scene, remarried for 4 years to the man of my dreams - the best lover I have ever had, very knowledgeable, sensual and will do just about anything to please me - he is into anal and so am I and I have so enjoyed playing with him - he has introduced me to so many other new things.
Years ago (with my ex) I had a disastrous threesome with a former friend, and my take-away from that was that some things are just better left a fantasy. So I fantasize about lesbian sex but truly have no desire to act on it. I sometimes share these fantasies with him but not so much lately (more on that later). He fantasizes about being the "bottom" in a MM sexual encounter and is obsessed with finding a FMM experience (for himself, not me). Last week I found out he was posting and replying to CL ads for casual sex looking for the other M for his fantasy. I was devastated - not that he was interested in men, obviously, because he has shared that with me (tho after we were married:() but because of the deception.
He is taking the steps to make his fantasy a reality and I am in the dark. For more than a year he has been bringing up going to a local swing club, and I have brought up all the reasons why I am really not that interested - we are older, not Ken and Barbie, the scene at the club seems younger, there was a violent incident there not long ago, and really, the bottom line (no pun intended) is that for right now, I really don't want to have sex with anyone but him.
Before you'll go thinking I am a prude or conservative let me assure you I am not - I am a live and let live sort - I do not judge others - I have some fairly kinky desires but they happen to revolve around him, period. For instance, before I met him I was always hoping I would find someone who would enjoy letting me play with his butt, because that is a real turn on for me - so like I said he IS the man of my dreams, quite literally. However, the thought of someone else touching me sexually is a real turn off for me. And I am no kid - I know who I am - like Jessica Rabbit said "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" LOL
I have shared ALL of this with him, multiple times. He has told me he only wants to have this MM experience if I am with him - but my rule is if you want to really know a person, forget all their words and just look at their deeds. When you apply that rule here you can see my dilemma.
The thought of a FMM encounter leaves me tepid, at best - and at worst it scares me - what if he decides that this is really his sexual orientation? We have friends who "came out" in middle age, left their families and started over. All of which I pointed out to him when I told him I had seen his emails.
His position is that he has done nothing wrong, that my disinterest left him no other choice. He feels I have criticized him for having these feelings, but when I ask him when and how, he cannot remember. I never meant to make him feel bad for sharing with me, but before this I always felt that we were a team - that we had each others backs, and that we would work our way through this together. I certainly wasn't going to deny him this pleasure he wants so badly, but it was how to go about it and when that was hanging me up. This past year has been a very tough one for me for other reasons, so admittedly I put this situation on the back burner.
I can see now that this is going to happen, with or without my consent or participation. It may already have happened - I cannot really trust his word right now - he is so obsessed I think his judgment might be impaired.
I have already found many answers here - like why do people swing? (sex, intimacy, excitement, relief from monotony) How do they keep their relationships solid? (communication, rules, boundaries, trust) What is fidelity? is it physical, emotional, both? What constitutes sex? (jury is still out on that one). I have learned many new terms and acronyms:). I have also seen how over-eager pushy partners shoot themselves in the foot by thinking only of what they want and need, and not what their partner is really truly ready for.
And I have seen people get into this lifestyle for all the wrong reasons - trying to please their partner, fear of loss, ambivalence, boredom, and using it as an escape from a relationship that is flawed and unhappy.
So, I am working my way through the deceit - getting tested for STD's tomorrow, reminding myself to be scrupulous with my words, to not make assumptions.
I have asked him, as a stop gap measure, to please BCC me on all future CL communications, he agreed but again I have little confidence in his truthfulness right now. I figured then I could at least not feel like a cuckold spouse, and who knows, maybe he will find the perfect, DDF, NSA man to initiate him. Still not sure where that leaves me - whether I would want to be there or not, participate or not.
Some questions for the forum:
Have you ever gone into a swing scenario with this degree of trepidation I describe, and found that you actually enjoyed yourself?
Have any of the women out there been through this particular FMM situation, and can they offer additional information? I make this gender specific, because I know full well that in reverse, you guys cannot feel my pain ("yeah, my wife is totally obsessed with hooking up with another chick on CL so she can experience lesbian sex, she insists that I be there" - righhhhtttt).
Any other examples of rules and boundaries that you experienced swingers use? How do you enforce them?
My sweet man is hurt and vulnerable about all of this, and I do not want to make him feel any worse, but I kind of need some extra assurances that there will be no more secrets. Ideas?
How do you rebuild trust after something like this?
At this point, with the direction things have taken, I almost think that I should go with him to a swing club or encourage him to find a M to pre-empt another episode of quasi-infidelity - is that a totally crazy idea?