This isn't how it was suppose to be!

[suburbanitemom 15]

We have a bit of a complicated situation brewing at our house. I am going to try and be brief and hope that I am not leaving off valuable information. About 10 months ago we started into swinging. We got into is for several reasons, mostly for me. Those reasons were:

1) So I could play with girls as I am bisexual

2) So I could explore my kinks (which he is not interested in helping me with or participating in)

3) and, to work towards filling both of our fantasies

 

We have played several times, together and separate. What is boils down to is that I love when he plays with others whether or not I am there. I love playing with others whether or not he is there. He hates and freaks out whenever I play when he is not there, and it is worse when it is a single male I am playing with. So the rule is now that we only play as a couple in full swap situations.

 

The problem with this as it only allows the first of the reasons to be filled, and his fantasies. I cannot explore my kinks with him or with him present (his choice) and most of my fantasies revolve around those kinks.

 

So he is reasonably happy with this arrangement but I am not. I know that you are suppose to go at the speed of the least comfortable partner, and we have. He has no reason to try and be comfortable with me exploring though. He is getting what he wanted out of it, plus he has never understood my desire to explore my kinks. So I am frustrated and still not getting what we set out for and feeling selfish for wanting it because he's not comfortable. At the same time I feel that he is being selfish for not giving me the freedom to explore.

 

Any advice on our situation? I could use a different perspective.

[Chicup 41]

We have been swinging for 12 years or so.

 

We don't swing with singles and I'd NEVER be comfortable with her swinging with single males without me for several reasons, not the least of which is her safety.

 

If this EXACT same post was posted by a man, everyone would be all over you for being insensitive and selfish. Being you are a female, some would tone that done but I'm not most people

 

As it is you are getting far more leeway than most people ever get in their relationship. As a swinger I think how LUCKY I am. There are aspects to our swinging I wish Mrs. Chicup were more open to, and sometimes its very frustrating but despite that I am STILL lucky.

 

So decide for yourself what is more important to you, fucking stranger males or having a strong relationship and MOST of your fantasies met.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

I will give you a perspective of a man who has a relationship within which I am sometimes out-and-about with a woman and my wife is sometimes out-and-about with a man. I very much appreciate Chicup's observations regarding safety. These women or men are all people with whom both of us are acquainted. And like Chicup I feel very fortunate to enjoy the situaiton I have. One reason that I am happy for my wife to meet men is that I realize that I am not able or willing to give in to every wish or whim. I am generally responsive to suggestion but my mind does not go into all of the same dark corners her's goes.

 

BUT, I am a firm believer in the principle that swing lifestyle should move at a pace that is no faster than the pace of the slowest partner. To work on any other principle is to invite real unhappiness. My advice is to work on gaining your husband's trust in your judgment and choices. I am also seeing a hint that he is feeling threatened in some way or another that you have not yet realized. If I know anything about my gender it's that we men like to feel in-control.

[Alura 2,773]

Hi, Suburbanitemom! Thanks for posting this interesting question.

 

It seems the major problem revolves around your inability to explore your "kinks." In most cases, I'd agree with Chicup but I feel we need to know more about your fantasies to help.

 

What "kinks" do you wish to explore? If single males are a necessary part of those "kinks," why?

 

Alura

[suburbanitemom 15]

Thanks for the responses so far. As to the kinks, there are many, but the major ones that he wants nothing to do with are me: in a 3some with bi-males; and, being dommed and a sex slave for an evening. I'm not dumb and have many layers of safety for meeting strange males, not about to let just anyone tie me up or throw me around. I have also involved him in everything. Showing him profiles, giving him phone numbers and screen names so he can talk with these guys, insisting on webcam and phone conversation before even meeting in a public place. He knows when, where, who, and I check in at designated times.

 

Which, I will add, he broke the rules of when he played alone. He did not check in and I was left wondering until late the next morning both times he played alone. I have done nothing to earn his mistrust. I save all chat history and texts, he has all my passwords, and he does read them. On the other hand, I do not have his passwords and cannot read his emails unless I ask him to sign in for me -which I have not done because I trust him- though he does not really chat that I know of.

[slevin 1,374]

I agree with Chicup, but I'd also add that your husband should be open to trying to explore your kinks. Within reason of course, but if you're into BDSM or something like that then even though it might not be his thing I'd say he should try it out to make you happy. It doesn't have to be his thing, but why not try to make you happy. Again, within reason. My wife and I are generally up for helping each other explore fantasies even when they're not something we're really into individually. To go along with that, neither of us would ask the other to do something we knew they were adamantly against.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I can think of three very good reasons for someone in love with a partner to be a very strict gatekeeper of the other person's sexual expression:

 

1) He/she is personally untrustworthy,

2) Is dealing with self-esteem and confidence issues, and/or

3) Disapproves of the forms that sexual expression takes.

 

I'm sure there are other causes, but those spring strongly to mind in this instance.

 

My partner and I follow slevin's model of being up for helping the other explore, but even there we have an agreement about nothing being off the table and trying things multiple times before we toss it out. Second time's usually the charm, actually. The reason we have the agreement is that both of us have been in relationships where our sexual expression wasn't fully embraced, so we know how painful it can feel.

 

There are therapists who specialize in sexuality of the variant type. One might be in order if you can't find a place where you're both comfortable.

[angelkin 1,326]

I am kind of in a similar situation. My husband is the slower partner in swinging and we move at his pace. I feel truly lucky to be able to swing at all, that takes a very special relationship. Do I get frustrated, sure. Do I break rules, no way. Maybe my desire to experience other situations isn't as strong as yours is, I've mentioned my interests and he seemed receptive, but I am not having much luck getting him to go there with me. For me, that's ok...sounds like for you it's not.

 

I assume you have talked to him about how you feel? Has your arrangement been re-negotiated? Maybe it's time to revisit the reasons you do this and see if there is a way he can allow you the freedom to explore while still being comfortable. Has he ever clearly stated the reasons he objects to being part of your kinks? Once that comes to light, perhaps a path to your desires will be clearer.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

I'm with Alura in that I'm not sure the swinging per se really has anything to do with the issue here, which as I see it is finding a way to satisfy at least some of your desires and kinks, with or without swinging.

 

You want to play with girls - he can't help you with that obviously although swinging does provide an outlet

 

You want to play with two bi-males - if he is straight, which I'm guessing he is, and I'm assuming you want male-male play as part of the experience, then he can't help with that, or at least I don't really think it is fair to expect him to

 

You want some BDSM play - Here is where there should be plenty of room for compromise, and I would focus my discussions with him on what sort of middle ground you can agree so he can help you fulfill at least some of your needs. You say he isn't interested, and if you have done a good job communicating so you are sure he truly understands how important it is to your sexuality, then if I were you I would just have to conclude that you and him will always be on different wavelengths sexually. Where you go from there, you will have to decide for yourself, but I think the therapist suggestion is a good one.

 

I do see your frustration since it seems like your arrangement that was supposed to be beneficial to both of you has worked totally in his favor, and not only will he not help you himself fulfill your fantasies, he is preventing you from having the opportunity to get help. If it is the normal issues with safety, etc. behind his concern, then those are problems that can be worked around. If it is because he has a problem with you having those kinks to start with, then I'm back to the different wavelength thing and where you go from here.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Pete and I didn't really set clear boundaries and expectations when we first started up (and we are still newbies as a cpl) and it COMPLETELY fucked me up for a few months there.

I had also had some job related issues and I think if Pete made the choices he made when I wasn't being professionally raped at work his choices wouldn't have messed me up so much. So now with our communication lines much better and he figured out deferring to me with numerous aspects I feel much more comfortable with the concept of swinging and swinging in itself.

You guys are pretty new into this-- your hubby is your main priority and love of your life. Keep it that way. If he needs 'baby steps' then do it in my opinion. I think you will be happier in the long run. Keep us posted! and Best wishes.

Jill and Pete

[CandLinPC 92]

I have a bit of a different take on this one. First, I agree with Mauijanedoe that there is probably a reason why your mate freaks out a bit. Talk about it. Figure out what his real problem is. It's obviously not safe to do BDSM play with strangers.

 

There are plenty of swingers who are also kinky. Strike up a relationship with a couple that you guys can agree on, let him get to know them. Now you can go over to that couple's place to be a slave for the night. It's someone he knows, and can trust. If you aren't able to find kinky swingers, go to a kinky "munch" together. A munch is a meet and greet in a vanilla bar/restaurant/coffee shop/etc. Find someone you, as a couple, can get to know and trust.

 

None of your efforts will work though, if he isn't honest with himself and you.

 

Might I also add that if he keeps breaking rules, then you guys should probably stop what you're doing and take stock of the situation. Maybe he thinks you will break the rules because he may have problems keeping to them.

 

I hope you guys can find a solution that you are both happy with.

 

-C

[DynamitePair 67]

I think CandLinPC smashed the nail on the head....This sounds like future counseling session fodder. Please don't take that as an insult in anyway, it is meant only to illustrate. You two need to talk this through. And the unhappy side of it is you may realize that you guys are no longer fit to swing. It is going to suck for you and it is going to suck for him. It appears that you have the right mindset for both swinging and keeping your relationship first. Unfortunately, with all the good advice you are getting none of it will work until you get through to him. He has to admit to himself that there may be an issue.

 

If I may be so bold as to offer a way to get him to walk down that path with you, it may require a little manipulation on your part but believe that it will benefit you both in the long run. Many men and women, specifically in the vanilla, but carries over into our world as swingers, often find the fact that their mate or even themselves would be interested in another party sexually. This leads to feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and anger which can manifest in a variety of ways. Men for example, may question the devotion of the significant other and take it as a personal insult to his manhood that you would dare to consider sex with another male much less a female. Women, in my experience, take this to mean that she is not good enough in bed to completely satisfy her man. Again, this is not the end all, me being omnipotent, just observations.

 

In your case, based on what I have read, again non-insultive; it is not a far leap to categorize this behavior as passive aggression. A way to punish you without directly punishing you. To clarify, he has a good defense about some of the things he is doing, "we are swingers" , " we're in an open relationship" or "well, you’re fucking other people" . Which drums up the correct behavior in you, which is concern, confusion, disappointment and some slight anger/bitterness. Emotion drama that you don't want to deal with, further punishment. This may all be somewhat unintentional as well.

 

SO, the manipulative part, he isn’t coming clean with your questioning about why he is doing it and what is going on with him, so you may have to lead him along by getting him to focus on him. Reassure him that you are in with him for the long haul. Remind him what a great lover he is for you and how special he makes you feel. Then start with the questions, small easily answerable questions, get him to fess up to his kinks, what is turning him on, then try to relate that to your kinks and what you want to explore. Don’t jump into this too quickly, as the goal is to get him to open up. Get him talking and then ease into why he can do what he wants and says you can do what you want but not end up wth the cold shoulder.

 

I know it very much looks like I am telling you to baby him but really I am trying to get you to baby your relationship by giving him that nurturing which may help any insecurity or distrust so you get those honest answers to strengthen your relationship.

 

Or you could just handcuff him to the bed rails face down and start shoving fingers in his asshole with the threat of working everything in until you reach your elbow or he gives you what you want to hear. lol sorry, got too serious for a moment there.

 

Finally, I am not an expert nor do I presume to be, I don’t know all the details about your specific situation and there may be even more dangerous things lurking beneath what you have shared. Unfortunately you won’t know either until you guys get to talking and sharing honestly. Also, there is no guarantee that you will like the answers either. I really do wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide to do and with what happens next.

[DynamitePair 67]

Holy crap, I just realized I posted a book, while trying to curb my natural ability to run off at the mouth, I left many points open ended and unclear. Before any swingers read the previous post and get offended, let me please clarify by stating the information above should only be taken as relevant to this thread. I really was trying to keep the post concise, which i failed at. I do realize as swingers we are much more open and the statements in the second paragraph can be misleading when taken from a swingers perspective. Again, Sorry. I know that seeing your significant other with another can be very hot and exciting, I was merely trying to point out that not everyone is wired for this lifestyle and it can be troubling for both men and women even when approaching the topic of swinging to discuss the feelings involved with admitting that you want to have sex with someone else or see your significant other having sex with someone else. Again, topics of the previous post were for this thread/specific to this situation only and not meant to offend anyone.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have one of the same kinds/fantasies that you have and, like you, it's not something my hubby would ever participate in. I understand that and I have set it aside as something that A) may remain forever a fantasy or B) it might happen some day when he is ready to be involved in it.

 

Swinging isn't about everyone getting everything they want, it's about a couple participating together and making each others fantasies come true. 1 out of 3 aint bad, and it's more than a lot of people will ever get (including a lot of people who find their way here). It may be that swinging only with other females or with couples (with your hubby's involvement) is the extend of the swinging that the two of you do, or it may be that down the road as his comfort level increases to match your own he finds/ that he's comfortable enough with certain people to allow you to explore your kinks with those people.

 

Given both of the kinks you don't feel are being fulfilled I can totally understand why he'd feel reticent to have you go about seeking those out without him. There is a safety issue to be addressed and IMO any guy who was totally ok with you going about those without him being very much involved, I'd question his feelings and commitment to you.

 

I'd love to be able to include single guys in our playtime. I'd love to see my hubby with another guy, heck I'd love to see myself in the middle of two guys having fun with each other, but it's not likely to happen and in the end as much as I'd love to see those things happen, I'd much rather see my hubby happy and fulfilled and see our relationship ROCK than worry about which one of my fantasies may never be reality.

 

So, yeah, IMO, this is how it's supposed to be.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Felt like I might have been a little too harsh in my first reply so I wanted to add another thought. On the BDSM stuff, it might be helpful to make sure he fully understands what it is you desire. If it's strictly BDSM (no sex involved) that may make a difference for him. However, if he doesn't really understand BDSM I can understand where he'd still be reticent to indulge this fantasy for you, because he likely sees it as abuse rather than pleasure - which is likely why he doesn't even want to be present when you partake.

 

I realize your fantasy is to be a slave/sub, perhaps doing some role play and putting him in that position for you would help him get an idea. Maybe put a bet out and have that be the prize. You win, he's your slave and vice versa. Go easy on him somewhat but show him how enjoyable it can be. He may still not be up for having you go off and engage with strangers alone but he may be more willing to help you with your fantasies a bit together, or (as others suggested) help you find a swinger couple who is into D/s that you can play with on occasion (maybe do an exchange program with them so that their f can come play at your house once in a while).

[Playful1 434]

Honestly, I see his actions as a sign that something is already wrong with the relationship....on his end at least.

 

It sounds like you are trying to be as understanding as you can and work within his comfort zone. The problem is, he is not giving that back, and it feels like he is not being honest about his issues with your fantasies.

 

I do agree with the idea of seeing if you can find a swinger couple who is into bdsm. As someone who is rather involved in that, and swings, they are out there. The issue here is, he has said he is not ok with you playing alone, but refuses to be around when you explore those fantasies. that leaves it as a no win situation.

 

Sit down with him, push him a little to be honest. Emphasize that you are not judging him, etc. but that you feel like there is something else going on. See a therapist if you need to.

 

This is a rough situation you are in, and you have to understand that his concerns/worries may prove to be totally irrational (as most emotion based reactions are) and therefore you cannot apply logic to them. He needs to acknowledge what his real concerns are before any progress can be made.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

Which, I will add, he broke the rules of when he played alone. He did not check in and I was left wondering until late the next morning both times he played alone. I have done nothing to earn his mistrust. I save all chat history and texts, he has all my passwords, and he does read them. On the other hand, I do not have his passwords and cannot read his emails unless I ask him to sign in for me -which I have not done because I trust him- though he does not really chat that I know of.

 

I missed this part earlier. I'd love to hear his side and I really encourage you to show him this thread, if for nothing more than so that he can see how you feel. I really hope you've been talking with him about all of this already and sharing that what he did bothers you and that you feel he doesn't trust you.

 

I can't help but wonder if perhaps it's not that he doesn't trust you but that he feels intimidated and insecure because what you want is something that he can't give you. Everything he is getting from swinging is something he could get without swinging. I think someone else mentioned this in their reply as well, that maybe he's feeling insecure and you need to work on him to remind him that he does come first and that as much as you'd love to have all of this other that it's about both of you (if that's the case - if it's not just move on and find a guy who will make all your fantasies come true). It's possible that he stayed out too late and didn't check in because he was trying to "show you" what he feels like (insecure) when you are doing things he's not comfortable with. Since you are ok with him being out with other women, the only way he could make you upset or feel insecure is if he broke the rules. I also wonder if this really bothered you or if you are just bringing this up as something to toss back at him because he's not giving you what you want. As far as the trust issue, does he have all your passwords because he demands it? or because you just give them to him? There's a difference. If he's not asking for them and you are just giving them to him to make sure he has them, then that's not a trust issue on his part.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Seems to me it's likely a control issue on the part of your husband. Wanting to be in control usually results from insecurity. Saying no to trying something a partner really wants is often due to being insecure in one's own sexuality. So it sounds to me as if your husband has issues of insecurity.

[Chicup 41]

Seems to me it's likely a control issue on the part of your husband. Wanting to be in control usually results from insecurity. Saying no to trying something a partner really wants is often due to being insecure in one's own sexuality. So it sounds to me as if your husband has issues of insecurity.

 

Her: Honey I really want to be gang banged by a hells angels club.

Him: No way in hell!

Her: You are just insecure in your own sexuality!

[weloveeachother 29]

Her: Honey I really want to be gang banged by a hells angels club.

Him: No way in hell!

Her: You are just insecure in your own sexuality!

 

Haha, sorry but that's just funny!

[twistedpretzels 100]

Her: Honey I really want to be gang banged by a hells angels club.

Him: No way in hell!

Her: You are just insecure in your own sexuality!

 

YOU KEEL ME! hahahahahaha

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Dealing with disagreement in a serious discussion by making fun of it is as common as shit on a farm.

 

Kind of a Chi cup of shit.

[slevin 1,374]

Dealing with disagreement in a serious discussion by making fun of it is as common as shit on a farm.

 

Kind of a Chi cup of shit.

 

As is continually trying to spin things around by saying "what you say is saying more about you than anything else". Which is your go-to argument. Chicup actually had an argument in that comedic delivery.

 

Personally, I think L&L had a point, but focused it in the wrong direction. I don't think this is necessarily an insecurity in his sexuality. This could be an insecurity in the connection between the two of you. Your strong desire to explore these 'kinks' may be leading him to worry that if you find someone who fulfills those that you may be drawn to that person more than your husband. Pure speculation, but if the insecurity line of thought is going anywhere, that is my bet.

[Frzrbrn 15]

Her: Honey I really want to be gang banged by a hells angels club.

Him: No way in hell!

Her: You are just insecure in your own sexuality!

 

Chicup for President 2012....

[cupl4fun 361]

I think Julie is correct. I would love to have the male half of the couple chime in here as well. Without the other side of the story this is all going to be simply speculation on our part. Trying to divine what people's motivations are is difficult work, especially when we only hear one frustrated partners side of the story.

[junglecouple 127]

cpl4fun; I agree with you entirely. There's no trouble like a pissed off woman, or even worse, a wife. I had one, stack lie upon lie and then claimed abuse. How does a male, in today's society defend himself when it's "she said, he said". the court and cops ALWAYS side with the female.. The truth is not a necessary element.. It's impossible to prove a negative. I've never touched a woman in anger, but the courts records tell a different story.

[savcpl912 15]

Just had to toss a hat in the mix. We don't do singles at all. Mrs Sav can play on her own and so can Mr Sav. But not with singles. They have nothing to lose in it. We do.

[suburbanitemom 15]

I just want to thank everyone for all the advice earlier, I really appreciate the perspectives of others who have been at this longer than me. I did want to update all of you that took the time to respond in the first place. We talked as a couple at great length all through all this. After an evening out with some friends (him with male friends who several are in or are at least aware of the lifestyle), I found him in the guest bathroom at about 1:30 in the morning whipping himself with a wet towel. It came out that he is a self injurer and has never learned how to deal with strong emotions. He just hurt himself and then buries them. So all the time when we talked about things I though he was dealing with it and he was not, hence why the same things kept coming up over and over again.

 

We decided to stay in the lifestyle, but set clear rules to only play with couples and only same room. The first time we went out he broke the same room rule on a dare. I am at fault as well, I didn't call him out on it as I didn't really care. Then recently we were at a club and he was done with the girl he was playing with and he left me in the room with the other couple and the male of the girl he was playing. I was confused and not sure what to do. He left with assurances that I should continue. I also realized after those times that he very rarely looks at me when we play and doesn't touch me. The opportunity came up that he was asked to be part of a gang bang for one of our female friends, I gave the OK because he wanted to and again I didn't really care about the rule. After that play experience he told me that I should go play because it was only fair, he got to have fun so I should. I told him I didn't need to it wasn't a tit for tat situation. He said no, go play, have fun. I had a day arranged with a married male friend that we had both met in a vanilla setting so we added playtime. I made sure he was still ok with it before I left that morning. It all seemed fine. Then I get a text later saying that we need to talk. He goes on to tell me that evening that I have put him through emotional hell, worse then his grandparents dying and his high school girlfriend cheating on him. That he's tried for me but he can't handle me playing alone. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. After all of our talking, and him admitting that I was correct in my judgement that he doesn't like to see me playing most the time, he said he did enjoy playing with couples and wanted to continue.

 

As I am sure you'll be happy to hear, I pulled the plug on it. I told him we cannot play until everything is sorted out. We had rules of couples only same room play only and he broke them immediately without even realizing it. He couldn't even list what our play rules were when we went through the latest round of talks. He said I need to write them down for him next time so he knows what they are and can study them. I don't know what to make of all that considering the rules were set for his comfort level. Really, he made the rules and I agreed to follow them.

 

So, at this point I have pulled down all our profiles. We are still talking about everything, and he has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow (finally!!!!)

 

That is where we are. It is disappointing to me that we are in this spot, because I had finally been in a spot where I was comfortable with who I am and my kinks (even unfulfilled as they were.) I am not sure we will ever go into swinging again. Even if we do, I'm very hesitant because I'm never sure when I have crossed a line until he blows up on me later. I always had permission for what I did, but I was also the "bad guy" and the one who had to change.

 

I really do want to be part of the lifestyle for many reasons, but I am left feeling right now that my partner is not cut out to be able to handle it. Any advice?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm really glad he's going to a counselor. Are you going with him? Are you going yourself? You might want to consider it. Is the counselor sex-positive/kink-friendly?

 

Best wishes and thanks for updating us, let us know how things go.

[suburbanitemom 15]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm really glad he's going to a counselor. Are you going with him? Are you going yourself? You might want to consider it. Is the counselor sex-positive/kink-friendly?

 

Best wishes and thanks for updating us, let us know how things go.

 

He did go this morning and said it went well, he was given a couple book recommendations for dealing with emotions and self-confidence. The guy was aware of the lifestyle and was nonjudgmental. He actually even mentioned that it was a little ironic as this situation is usually reversed. I'm not sure how kink friendly he is, but I'd be wiling to bet he's OK with it. We are starting out with a few sessions just for him and I will go alone a few times, then we will both attend some sessions. I have told him that I will be supportive and involved in any way I can, including attending any counseling sessions necessary.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

As I am sure you'll be happy to hear, I pulled the plug on it. I told him we cannot play until everything is sorted out. We had rules of couples only same room play only and he broke them immediately without even realizing it. He couldn't even list what our play rules were when we went through the latest round of talks. He said I need to write them down for him next time so he knows what they are and can study them. I don't know what to make of all that considering the rules were set for his comfort level. Really, he made the rules and I agreed to follow them.

 

So, at this point I have pulled down all our profiles. We are still talking about everything, and he has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow (finally!!!!)

 

That is where we are. It is disappointing to me that we are in this spot, because I had finally been in a spot where I was comfortable with who I am and my kinks (even unfulfilled as they were.) I am not sure we will ever go into swinging again. Even if we do, I'm very hesitant because I'm never sure when I have crossed a line until he blows up on me later. I always had permission for what I did, but I was also the "bad guy" and the one who had to change.

 

I really do want to be part of the lifestyle for many reasons, but I am left feeling right now that my partner is not cut out to be able to handle it. Any advice?

 

I hear that you want to be in the lifestyle, but it isn't something that can be successful for a couple just because they want it. It takes a level of maturity and honesty that your husband isn't capable of. Counseling might well improve the situation, but the issues here aren't exactly about swinging (although that's what helped them to surface). Self-harming is a particularly difficult habit to break, as is making a lot of rules and then expecting your partner to remember them and be the gatekeeper. Neither are habits of a healthy person in a healthy, mutally supportive relationship.