Worried I might be jealous of the other person afterwards

[katsgoods]

I need help with this subject also with being scared of getting hurt. Me and my partner want this to happen so bad, he actually has done this before in the past I have not. He states it should be someone that we know or a friend, but when I think about it I think I might be jealous of this person afterward. also I am scared of what if I see him touch her in a passionate way that he ahs not done to me, or just seeing something that is done that is not done to me, what if it looks as if that person's pussy feels way better than mine does to him, what if a female that we do this with wants more and more, what if she jsut wants him, what if she starts doing flirty things with him like the everyday flirting we do together asd a couple???? I am so scared that these things will happen and I will feel so hurt. What do I do, how do I stop feeling this way?

[NakedInSeattle]

I can tell you what you DON'T do...that is you don't go ahead with this until you've talked about your fears and concerns with him and he assures you that it is for fun ONLY and that your relationship will not suffer.

As for him doing something to/with her that he has not done to you, this may happen and then it behooves you to ask for it and see if it is something that you'd like too. What if he likes her pussy better than yours - believe me we guys like all pussies equally. Just different that's all.

As far as flirting is concerned, that is bound to happen with people that are intimate with each other. Join in with the flirting so that she and he know you're always part of their playing.

Lastly, if she seems to wants more and more of him, you just tell them both that it ain't gonna happen.

The bottom line and thread to all my advice is TALK, TALK, TALK. And don't hold anything you feel back from either of them.

Enjoy your fun and remember that is what it is - fun.

[beachguyz]

It sounds like you are not quite ready to swing and that's fine. There are way to many issues from the tone of your post. Maybe if you were able to talk about your feelings and concerns with your partner you would be able to alleviate some fears. If you're not comfortable then DON'T do it.

This isn't about the love you feel about your partner, it's about sex with some one else.

You need to find out your partner's motivation before you agree to doing this.

[WesternSwing]

What do you do? You don't swing... at least for now.

Jealousy is plainly and simply insecurity. It's the fear that someone else will be preferred over you. That you don't have any real value to another person. That you could be easily replaced. And jealousy scans for evidence to prove itself valid. You are already doing this with comments such as:

also I am scared of what if I see him touch her in a passionate way that he ahs not done to me, or just seeing something that is done that is not done to me, what if it looks as if that person's pussy feels way better than mine does to him, what if a female that we do this with wants more and more, what if she jsut wants him, what if she starts doing flirty things with him like the everyday flirting we do together asd a couple????

You haven't started and you've already built-up threatening monsters in your mind. At this point it won't matter how he touches someone else, it will "wrong". You're mind has already determined that. In your mind you're saying "We can do this, but he better not enjoy it!" This is a disaster and it hasn't even begun yet.

How do you get over these feelings? By working on yourself and your self-value. Your personal and emotional security. If you cannot love yourself than you will never feel that you are truly loved by others, especially your husband.

Others have said some pretty good things on this subject, so I'll put them here. Several of these have been inspiration to me.

"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive."

~ Havelock Ellis, On Life and Sex: Essays of Love and Virtue, 1937

"In jealousy there is more self-love than love."

~ François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665

"It is not love that is blind, but jealousy."

~ Lawrence Durrell, Justine, 1957

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.”

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love the greater the jealousy.”

~ Robert Heinlein

When Mrs. WS and I first got into swinging I had some jealousy well-up in me that I didn't even know existed. I am usually a very self-assured person. And it wasn't the sex, or the worry that someone else was getting it better than I was, or that she preferred sex with someone else more than me. For me it was that Mrs. WS was developing a friendship with those we swung with, especially the male of the couples. After much thought on the matter and discussion between us it came down to the fact that she needed that connection to not feel "dirty" or "slutty" for having sex with someone other than the person she was married to. She, like so many, was conditioned to believe that once you get married you weren't supposed to have sexual feelings for anybody else, and if you did you were "dirty", so what we were doing was creating conflict within her: it didn't feel wrong but she had always been told it was wrong. Developing a relationship outside of the bedroom was her self-defense mechanism. It made it "okay".

For my part, I didn't like myself feeling this way. This wasn't me. This was causing me personal conflict and torment. I finally had to suck it up and confront my ownself about this, whether we continued swinging or not. I had to slay my own dragons. I had to truly feel that I was much more to her than anybody else ever could be, and that no sex, no matter how good, would ever change that.

It boiled down to this: I wasn't the first person she'd had sex with in her life, she'd had lovers, been married, and had more lovers after that. So chances are she'd had pretty good sex with them, too. But, good sex was not enough of a reason to stay with any of these other men. There are billions of other men on this planet that she could have good sex with; there is only one me. She's not in love with me because I'm the best sex she's ever had, she's in love with me because I'm everything else to her. The great sex is just a bonus.

I hope that helped some. Right now, I do recommend backing-off from swinging and work-out your personal fears about it. If you still want to move forward maybe you wade in rather than jump in. Start with going to parties and just flirting with others and going home all hot and bother and ravish each other. Move to some soft swap where maybe only oral sex is allowed and intercourse is left between you two. Wade in until you are comfortable with the water's depth and then wade a bit further. You do it however you are comfortable with, there are no set rules in swinging. Swinging is whatever you make of it, and is similar but ultimately different for each and every couple. And remember, to always go at the pace of the most slowest person in the relationship. And right now this is you.

Mr. WS

[ncmd_couple]

First off, all of your concerns are valid concerns. My lovely lady had all of the concerns that you did. So I will try to address them how we dealt with it. The key is that you will have to talk to your man open and honestly. If you don’t come together on this, then don’t do anything!

The fact that he has done this before isn’t really relevant, as you are new to this as a couple. Having your first experience with someone the two of you know can cause problems. Our first MFF was with a Bi lady that I knew very well before the two of us met. My lady friend and I talked about this in advance and we both decided that this first experience was all about my partner. It went well, all things considered, but the other lady was a friend of mine became a problem and jealousy raised its ugly head. But I was watching for this and made sure that I didn’t do anything to make it worse.

Several years later, after much water under the bridge, we had a MFM. This time the guy was a friend of my partners who she chose and had had relations with in the past. This experience went very well. No jealousy issues on her part.

My partner has had the same concerns. Keep in mind that the guys will react differently to a new female. A lot of that has to do with her. Some are better lovers than others, just like men are different. So don’t dwell on this as it is not a reflection of how he feels about you, or what he would want to do with you. And as others have said, if you see him do something different that you would like to try, ask him to do it to you later.

Because of this I think that you should start out with a stranger. I’m assuming that you two are talking strictly about a FMF situation here. You might be better off at a club with a couple. But this is something that the two of you have to decide together!

This is probably going to happen. Flirting is about personal style really, so he will follow his normal patterns. You will probably do the same thing, so don’t be concerned.

You are scared, and until you talk all of this through with your man you will continue to be. My lady, after a number of encounters, is just now starting to relax. But with a lot of communications between the two of you, and some experience, you will come to know that it is just about the fun. And going to a club doesn’t mean that you will hook up with someone, you will enjoy the sexy surroundings anyway!

[katsgoods]

Thank you so much for all of your advise. I am afraid of the friendship my partner will have with another female, call me slefish-I want this to be mine and only mine. We have talked about all of this and he understands this lifestyle as how it should be between a couple, how anyone who embraces this lifestyle will truly be happy-I don't undertsand it the way he does, he wants us to have someone who will be our third-she will be a regular person to call for us to enjoy. I don't think I can get to this point with someone being a regular person all the time-without thinking that this person is going to build feelings for him or me, but it's more about him. and I have told him, but he seems to think that I will be able to in time. I Love him with all my Heart, I do believe he is my soulmate,I just believe that I can be all he wants me to be- I know that I want to have threesomes right now with females, I just don't know if I can deal with the same person, or if it becomes a friendship, he has brought up a subject that if we find that someone what if they call and are horny-but I'm not would I let them do anything without me either being involved at that moment or even there when anything will happen and I cannot-he understands to a point but he says if we all have already done something what does it matter, well I feel that being alone with my partner is for me and me only. I don't knwo maybe I need to read some more,, get more advise then talk to him and think about it more before I do something.

[good times]

I agree with what the others have said so well and can only add that if what you have written here in your two posts is accurate, your partner does not understand swinging at all.

I agree that you probably aren't ready for this but I think it is understandable given what your partner has said. I can tell you that if my partner had those views we wouldn't even think of swinging.

One other observation, swinging with a friend you already have is almost always a bad idea.

[Cpl2share]

As everyone else said: Now is not the time. To proceed at this juncture would, quite simply, destroy your relationship. First you need to examine if you are simply doing this for him, or if YOU also want to explore other people. Pussy is pussy, they all feel different, but in the end (excuse the pun) they are almost all just about the same to us. Is he going to like yours less or more after being with another woman? Probably not, but if he does, then your relationship was doomed from the start. You need to really examine what you want out of swinging, and then talk to him. There is no gaurantee that he will tell the truth, but you also need to find out exactly where he is coming from. If This just about him wanting MORE pussy then it is not about the two of you, nor is it about you. Swinging MUST always be about the couple not just one of you. Take it slow and remember, nothing that happens can be taken back, so you have to be sure before you do it.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by katsgoods

Thank you so much for all of your advise. I am afraid of the friendship my partner will have with another female, call me slefish-I want this to be mine and only mine. We have talked about all of this and he understands this lifestyle as how it should be between a couple, how anyone who embraces this lifestyle will truly be happy-I don't undertsand it the way he does, he wants us to have someone who will be our third-she will be a regular person to call for us to enjoy. I don't think I can get to this point with someone being a regular person all the time-without thinking that this person is going to build feelings for him or me, but it's more about him. and I have told him, but he seems to think that I will be able to in time. I Love him with all my Heart, I do believe he is my soulmate,I just believe that I can be all he wants me to be- I know that I want to have threesomes right now with females, I just don't know if I can deal with the same person, or if it becomes a friendship, he has brought up a subject that if we find that someone what if they call and are horny-but I'm not would I let them do anything without me either being involved at that moment or even there when anything will happen and I cannot-he understands to a point but he says if we all have already done something what does it matter, well I feel that being alone with my partner is for me and me only. I don't knwo maybe I need to read some more,, get more advise then talk to him and think about it more before I do something.

I won't say what I'm thinking about the "I want this to be mine and only mine" comment. You need to do FFMs and MFMs and make sure that your man knows that his pleasure has nothing to do with the equation because it is all about you. And yes, I confirm that in my opinion that comment is VERY selfish.

[Lovethenights]

All the advice you've received urging caution and intensive self re-examination along with relationship work is very good. Being the male, I sensed perhaps your SO has a somewhat selfish and personal interest in the lifestyle which you need to make sure isn't driving his interest in your involvement. It needs to be a shared and joint undertaking.
As for what he may or may not experience, no difference between your body or hers, your sexual practices or hers, etc., should have any impact on his feelings for you. If his portion of your relationship is healthy, then you will remain his first choice in life. When I think of my wife playing in the lifestyle, anything that any man does to her that gives her pleasure, whether it is better than I give her or whether it is longer or harder or whatever, actually pleases me thinking that I am giving her a gift that few women ever receive. If someone touches her differently that I do and she likes it a lot, she is more than welcome to teach me how to touch her. It's truly about caring for each other, but within the bonds of trust. If we arrive together, we are going home together no matter what. (unless she tells me she'd like to stay and do him some more or be done some more, in which case I'd fall even more madly in love with her and let her) Until you have that kind of trust with your SO, you may need to re-think lifestyle involvement.

[ShellyM]

Perhaps I read it wrong OP, if I did I apologize. I wish you only the best of luck.

[katsgoods]

To Shelly Which comment were you referring to? I have read alot on here and I keep reading the same things-won't let their man go off alone-won't do anything if their man doesn't wear a condom-if you read some of the posts on here also don't want to do friends. It seems everyone on here has the same fears as I do, and as for having an MFM right now it does not interest me to fuck or suck another man than my own, I am attracted to woman and have wanted to taste a woman, me and my man talk about EVERYTHING!! and I have told him about all of my issues, and we are working on it, but I came on here to get more opinions because it doesn't really help when I have no one else to talk to about this subject other than him. I love him, and I would never do this just for him-if I did I would only be hurting myself, and our relationship. I was just wondering if my fears were the same as any one elses, I want to do this-we have talked about this together, and are working on these things together. My man was my childhood boyfriend from high school, and after 17 years we are together again, this man is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. Maybe I am selfish in some cases, but I have never had a friendship like I have in him, and right now this would be something we would have to decide on together if we would like to share this part of us because my opinion is that he is my best friend and my best friend only.

[WesternSwing]

Katsgood, after what you wrote in post #6 in this thread it is very clear to me all your partner is thinking about is how he is going to benefit from your wanting to explore your bi-side. What you are getting from this seems to be of secondary concern for him. He is already jumping forward to the "well, could I see her alone if you don't want to have sex that night and she does?" Wow. This is a big red flag. This I could never conceive. If Mrs. WS doesn't want to have sex I certainly would never call a girlfriend to fill-in for the night. That would be "replacement sex", not "additional sex" as swinging is intended to be.

Let me clarify this, also. I have played solo with some women. BUT, they called and asked Mrs. WS if I could come over and it had nothing to do with Mrs. WS not wanting to have sex that day.

I feel from your post that he's already working on the possible angles that will benefit him personally. You haven't even waded-in the swinging pool yet and he's already talking about swimming in the swinging ocean.

What pushed us into the swinging pool was Mrs. WS's desire to explore her bi-side. It was all about her exploring this side of herself. For my part, I was happy to help her live-out and explore these fantasies and if I got something from it for myself beyond the satisfaction of knowing I helped her realize a dream, then great. If I didn't, no big deal. My interest wasn't in my own pants and the idea that I'd get some strange. My interest was helping Mrs. WS explore this side of her. If I got some strange, all the better. If I didn't, no big loss.

Swinging has to be unselfish. As it says in the FAQ here, swinging is about helping your partner live-out their sexual fantasies WHILE you live-out your own. It's not taking your partner's sexual fantasies and running with them as if they are your own - which is what I feel your partner is doing based on what you've said.

Okay, I've repeated myself over and over here. In closing, you need to sit down with him and have a heart-to-hear talk about what it is you both want o get out of swinging, because right now it sounds like you want to seriously explore this other side of your sexuality and he just wants to get some strange and sees an opportunity to do so anytime he wants.

Mr. WS

P.S. What would his reaction be if your third was a man and you asked to see him alone? Would he be down with that? Just throwing that out there. If he couldn't honestly say "yes" with the same enthusiasm he seems to have about adding another woman to the mix, then his motives are purely selfish. Eventually, in this lifestyle, selfishness will cause big, big problems as one person starts to get resentful of the other's selfishness.

[katsgoods]

Ok I said that he would like it to be that way in the future, not right now.I have already told him that I can't deal with us doing something alone right now, and he has to face the fact that it will stay this way in the future. And yes he has said that it would be ok if I met a man and wanted to do something alone in the same fashion that it would be ok as long as he feels he could trust the person. He has asked me what if he found a woman for me where he would just watch would I be Ok with that-so I'm not believing that he is selfish, he said that he wouldn't have to fuck the woman either he would wait until I was ready and even would wait until I asked for it to happen. He wants me to explore my sexuality and he said he wants to give me the opportunity to experience this pleasure, and right now we have been talking about it for about 3 years now, and he has stated that he likes our talks, he has never gotten this close with anyone else in the past as far as how he has opened up to me, and he just expects us to talk for now, he said that he has really up to this point not expected anything to happen, and just likes to fantasize with me about it, and getting me to open up more to him. I came on here because I wouldn't mind doing something with a third, but wanted to see if anyone else had the same fears as me, I am a big woman so alot of this comes from not having self confidence in my self, and my man is so fucking hot alot of hotter woman look at him and admire him, so of course I'm going to feel this jealousy and have to work on these issues- I just don't know how, I have been thinking one way all my life even if I wanted to have a threesome and have fantasized about being with another woman with my man thats was all I thought about I never thought about all the other stuff, touches, and flirting, and shit like that or even having that same person sexually again, or that person wanting him again, and I have to face those fears if I want this to occur. Another question how often does any of you explore with a third person like lets say in a month?

[2fromNM]

We pretty much just go with the flow. If we go to a party or club and something happens then thats great and if not, then we had a good time and thats great too! We don't particularly want a regular third person, we're in this for recreation only and adding another person into the mix would cause way too much drama. Its more of a "hit it and forget it" thing with us. We have made some true friends in the lifestyle, but we try to seperate the "friends" feelings from the "sex" feelings if that makes sense.

While we admire and applaud the poly couples we can't help but wonder how (and why) they deal with the additional dynamics of that type of relationship.

I'm not trying to be insensitive because I know how difficult it is, but if you have self image issues concerning your weight or your look in general then thats where you need to start! Take some aerobics classes, belly dancing, pole dancing, get a treadmill, Jenny Craig or whatever you enjoy doing! That, IMHO, is just about the most proactive step you can take in alleviating your fears/worries.