Want to get to know people before swinging, but feeling rushed

My husband and I are new to this lifestyle (about 3 months). My question is: Isn't it individual with each couple you meet how long it takes to become comfortable with being intimate? HOW commonplace is it that everyone is intimate on the second date? I am a type of person that likes to get to know the people first (I'm not talking about three months of dating every weekend, maybe 2-4 dates). That's part of the fun. I know people only have limited time to devote to their swinging LS due to family, jobs and life. But I feel rushed at times. I'm in swinging to enjoy people ON ALL LEVELS, not JUST sexually. I am an extremely loyal person when it comes to people. I have incredible passion for the human experience. I feel like some sort of freak because I'm not ready to jump into the pants of one couple but I was ready to go for it with another (after getting to know them and enjoying their personalities). How do you ask people for more time and not feel like a freak? I didn't do very much dating in my earlier days due to finding my husband when I was 18 AND wasting no time with guys when I did date them. I thank you in advance for all of your input.

Petite Pixey

Welcome!

Yes, I believe it is perfectly normal for you to experience the differences. I know when I was dating after my divorce, there were times when things happened right away, other times when it took quite some time. This, in my humble opinion, is no different. The chemistry may take time to develop, if it does at all. However, it may be "WHAM" these people are a great "fit". You shouldn't feel like a freak at all, in fact I think it's quite normal to have different timing patterns.

Good luck and have fun!!

Hi Pixey -

Welcome

Thanks for posting. I hope you will register so that you can come back and post again.

From what I have gathered in my search for swingers, most are not going to be interested in going over two dates before deciding to play. By then couples usually know if everyone clicks.

We have played with two couples. Both times we played on the first date. But prior to this we had communicated enough through e-mail to learn a lot about each other and to get the sexual heat going. We also spoke to them on the phone before meeting. By the time we met and spent a few hours with them we were ready to play. I think this is pretty standard for swingers.

Most swingers - especially those with children at home - don't have a lot of free time to date. Swingers go out to have sexual fun. For you the sexy flirting and developing a friendship sounds like a requirement before sex. And this is okay. Just make sure the people you contact know this.

You will have your best chance of finding people like yourself if they state in their profiles that they wish to develop a lasting friendship with a couple, they emphasize their desire for sharing activities outside the bedroom as well as inside, say they are in no rush to jump into bed, and state they are not pushy.

My suggestion: Be selective when choosing couples. Contact only people that state in their profiles those things I mentioned above. In turn, you should let others know the pace you prefer, this will avoid frustrations and keep everyone happier.

You should approach swinging in the way you are comfortable. Don't feel you have to play sooner than you want, even if others typically do.

LM

I second LM's thoughts. If this is what you want, great. No problems there. Just communicate with your prospective partners ahead of time and let them know how you feel. This will help to avoid any misconceptions when you do finally meet. Others may not feel the same as you, but that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with what you want. Best of luck to you.

Mr. Funk

I have incredible passion for experiencing female humans...

I'd say too that it's fairly typical to play on the second date. Generally there won't be a second date unless there's interest from everyone involved.

Still, you have a right to your preferences and if you need a few more meetings to feel comfortable, that's OK. Just make sure that you communicate that along the way. Sure, you'll find those people who won't go along with that, but I believe that you'll also find those who will be patient. After all, you're worth it, right?

-B

We are whores, we usually play on the first date but are totally cool with people who like to meet more than once before playing. If you aren't comfortable with playing on a first date, then by all means don't.

We fall into the have kids category and not a lot of free time. We have played on first meeting, but we clicked (and have continued to play together). There are others we are taking our time getting to know but may possibly play with. It's a case by case kinda thing I guess

I like what LM had to say, too. You have to go at the pace you are comfortable with, and it may involve meeting a few more times. So long as you are upfront with others, and trying to find those who feel the same way, you should do fine. We like to get to know people first, too- makes things way more fun for us. Like EvilMJ, we don't have a lot of free time to go out (arranging babysitting, sometimes overnite, for 3 kids sometimes takes a while),but when we do, we like to make the most of it with whoever we're with. We do a lot of communicating online- emails, chats, using webcam, sometimes phone calls so we still get to know each other even if we're not in the same room at the time.

For us, a second date is usually a playdate, if everyone's interested after the first one. Because of the time we've spent chatting previously, it's a pretty easy decision to make and everyone's comfortable with it. You shouldn't feel pushed to play before you are comfortable doing so. Where does the pressure to play that you sometimes feel come from- the other couple, your SO or yourself? Hopefully not from spouse, but sometimes we can push ourselves to move at a different pace. If it's from the other couple, then you may need to look elsewhere for compatible friends.

We hope you will register and let post again so we can get to know you better. Welcome to the board and we hope to hear more from you!

Thanks everyone It's great to hear that people are patient as a whole and exhibit the behavior as such.

I really do understand that people have a lack of time due to children and life. I think that I will become more comfortable with the time frame once I've had more experiences. The whole "hopping into bed with someone who I don't know" phenomena unsettles me at times and others it doesn't. It all depends on the chemistry of the person. Even if I started dating now in my life, I still wouldn't be a bed hopper. It's not who I am. When people meet us (my husband and I) and we're not all over them, they wonder. We are both reserved people. I am very reserved sexually in the sense that it takes me more time to trust a guy that he's going to be a good fit sexually. I can become adaptable any situation. So I have been willing to hop into bed on the second date to see how it feels, even if I am not crazy about the guy. My husband told me that these are the expectations of couples and I reacted to his wise words unkindly. I also have the attitude that even if I am a little unsettled about certain things, I work with my emotions. I am not about to run into a cave and "figure myself out". I want to go for it and experience as much as I can, good, bad and indifferent.

We have only had sex with one couple on the first date, and the stars, planets, and all their moons were aligned that night. We prefer to get to know someone better before getting naked with them. Sometimes this is two meetings, sometimes more. We just play it by ear and when the time is right, it is. I agree with others though that you pretty well know by the second meeting if it is ever going to happen or not.

We think getting to know others a little first takes some of the jitters out of it, therefore making a better experience for all involved. We have a steady couple that each and every time gets easier-going and more comfortable, which makes it easier to explore fantasies and makes "stage fright" less an issues with everyone involved.

My advice, there it no set rule. Play it by ear and let the chips fall where they may. Do what's comfortable for you. If a couple really is interested, you will hook-up sooner or later.

Mr. WS

I want to go for it and experience as much as I can, good, bad and indifferent.

Your last statement shows you are ready to be flexible. I think swingers who adapt best to the lifestyle have your attitude.

LM

All of this support has given me a boost of confidence! Thanks a bunch!