What about being exclusive with another couple? Is that possible in the lifestyle?

Help, help, help.....

We have dabbled in the lifestyle (on vacation) for over a year and enjoy making friends. But it's just been a vacation thing for us and at home we don't get involved with anyone else. We tried to be exclusive with a couple 2000 miles away last Fall. It worked for about 3 months and we all got a little emotionally involved to some extent. Then they wanted to play with others and we were a bit hurt at the "breakup" (on good terms - actually if we saw them again, we would all likely get along great).

So now we met another couple about 2000 miles away and they are just new in the lifestyle. We spent a whole weekend together and lots of email and Skype chats. They are very fond of us and recently asked to be "exclusive" with them. We are not sure if "exclusive" works in the lifestyle, but we are not totally opposed. The problem is that the four of us are travelling to a nude lifestyle resort in a few months with a big lifestyle group. We kind of don't want to close doors to others, but our friends want it to be an "exclusive" holiday for the four of us. Is this normal? They are a wonderful couple and we like them, but the two of us kind of do have some interests in others at the resort (that we have met in the past) and kind of like the variety of personalities generally. Any other experiences that anyone can share to give us different perspectives on this?

I'm Poly but not a swinger, but I would think that exclusivity is something that you would build up to, after a period of acquaintence, and not something to be rushed into. I would tell this couple that you are just not ready for that level of commitment, and explain why. If you are open and honest with them, I'm sure that they will respond in kind.

As you have already found out, emotions get involved and can result in hurt feelings.

IF and that is a BIG IF you wanted to so something like that why do it with someone 2000 miles away. Personally, that makes to sense to me at all.

To hard to get together with that type of distance.

Being in the lifestyle makes for many great experiences but committing to other people is not one we have ever had the desire to explore. Drama and to many rules take the fun out of things.

Can exclusive work? We have never tried it, though it has been requested of us. We decline. But that is us. I have heard of exclusive relationship among pairs and even small groups. I think we hear about them more when people, like you, are considering it or when, for whatever reason, they come apart.

If I were you I would ask yourself some questions.

1. What do you want out of the LS?

2. What do you and the other couple want/expect out of an exclusive relationship?

3. What are the positives and negatives in doing so in general and with this couple?

4. What rules/boundaries do you have/they have?

5. What happens if one couple breaks the rules?

People choose exclusivity for various reasons; reduced STD risk, desire for closer BFE/GFE style experience, etc.

2000 miles away sounds difficult unless you all travel frequently. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

It does not sound like our cup of tea, we like variety and the freedom of not being completely tied to someones schedule other than our own.

I vaguely remember a post about one couple in an exclusive relationship "cheating" with another couple. So it starts to look and feel like another marriage in some ways.

I think starting out a weekend at a lifestyle resort with an agreement to be exclusive sounds like a bad idea. Just be honest and tell them you'd like variety and you're sure there are going to be many couples beside you who will want to play with them. Perhaps they're insecure about meeting new people. If you're comfortable, I'd offer to introduce them to your other friends who are going to be there. It's much better to be honest before you go than to get there and be struggling with temptation or having an argument there. If it is the case, be sure they know that you do still want to spend time with them and play with them.

Hope you have a great time!

We were exclusive with our partners. It was never a "committment" just that we never found another couple to add to the mix. Well, there was one time but it turned out to be a one time thing so it may not count.

They were local, though, and one of the benefits was the ability to call them and say, "Hey! The kids are going to grandma's for the weekend! Wanna play?"

Two thousand miles is a long way. Do y'all own a Learjet and an oil company?

Alura

From what I have seen everyone that I know that's done the exclusive thing has ended in a disaster.

If you WANT to do an exclusive thing I would not do it with a couple that many miles away. I can't see how on earth that would work. I'd look locally if that is what I was wanting.

So far the responses have been absolutely wonderful and helpful... We're kind of sensing it is not really easy to make an "exclusive" relationship work and from our experience it is hard to imagine why it wouldn't end in disaster.

On the flip side, the two of us are a little on the shy side and the comfort we get from exclusive is avoiding the stress in meeting new people (which hasn't really been a problem, just stressful). Playing with someone around home isn't really a good option because we are unusually busy (work hard/play hard) and prefer to do our cutting loose when we get away on our Lear jet (ya right...haha)....

When you step out of your everyday surroundings you tend to get more sexually excited, so I can understand why you only play when you're away. But exclusivity is asking for trouble. Funny thing is, the reason why people look to swinging is to relieve themselves of just that. It seems contradictory to the LS.

We prefer a circle of regulars over anonymous encounters, but that's not exclusivity, that's familiarity. To each his & her own.

And we do visit clubs for the occasional hit-n-run.

We know a pair of couples that are, I guess, "Semi-Exclusive". They've been together for a few years, and will play with others, but it seems, only as in the four of them playing together with others. It seems to work well for them, but I think that kind of success for that long of a period of time is rare.

It doesn't sound like your heart is into doing the exclusive thing again, based on your OP. I would avoid it unless you're both 100% over the top in favor of it.

The prettier half of the two of us asked me to downplay the whole 2000 mile thing because we have a vacation home that we travel to four or more times a year that puts us only three hours from our new friends.

Also, they would probably offer to fly and visit us once or twice per year. So the distance isn't too much of an impediment but some planning and less spontinaity is definitely required. But I agree that it does seem kind of contradictory to what LS is all about. I've read a lot about jealousy between respective spouses, but does jealousy between two couples come up also and should it?

We know a pair of couples that are, I guess, "Semi-Exclusive". They've been together for a few years, and will play with others, but it seems, only as in the four of them playing together with others.

It is funny you said that, as I ran into a profile tonight that is a couple+female. They make it clear that they only play if the female is included. The first thing I thought was that increases the problems of chemistry exponentially. And in your example it becomes even more complicated.

with us we would love to find a compatable partner couple.. someone whom we have more than just sex .. friendship..

not really worried about he emotional envolvement..

The prettier half of the two of us asked me to downplay the whole 2000 mile thing because we have a vacation home that we travel to four or more times a year that puts us only three hours from our new friends.

 

Also, they would probably offer to fly and visit us once or twice per year. So the distance isn't too much of an impediment but some planning and less spontinaity is definitely required. But I agree that it does seem kind of contradictory to what LS is all about. I've read a lot about jealousy between respective spouses, but does jealousy between two couples come up also and should it?

Jealousy between couples definitely comes up. If you are clear and firm that you are not going to be exclusive they will have to deal with their jealous feelings. Otherwise they will involve you and it will be a lot less fun. A couple we played with regularly asked us to be exclusive. We said no. The male of the couple would occasionally tell me he was jealous when we played with other couples. I would simply say, you can't be jealous and go back to our play. (not saying he can't have his feelings, but basically, we're friends with benefits and I'm not dealing with drama) Being exclusive would have really increased the drama.

You are still welcome to fly back and forth across the country as often as you want to play with them, but you also have the freedom to find other swing partners when you vacation. If they can't accept you playing with other couples you really need to evaluate whether they are right for you.

Your friends might be interested in a couple that they feel safe going bareback. That's the only positive I can see in an exclusive arrangement. And that can be a pretty compelling reason.

(Save the arguments pro/con condoms for another thread, please!)

Your friends might be interested in a couple that they feel safe going bareback. That's the only positive I can see in an exclusive arrangement. And that can be a pretty compelling reason.

 

(Save the arguments pro/con condoms for another thread, please!)

Very compelling reason. We haven't talked about that yet with the newcouple but we would like that for sure. This new couple may not even be interested in bareback...we don't know yet, as being with a new couple is very new to them. Our other "exclusive" friends from last year liked to bareback with us but I got screwed (or hosed if you will) because my playmate was not on the pill and I had to wear a condom anyway (except for her time of the month).

I'm thinking long distance relationships typically don't work in any situation. In a swinging relationship, I just don't see it. Exclusive relationships within swinging can work and do work well for some, but I just don't see it working long distance, or lasting long before one couple or the other wants to play with someone else just out of inability to get together (unless you all have unlimited funds to fly back and forth across the country).

Been there done that and it didn't work for us. Why are you swinging, to enjoy just one person or the many who are out there!

For us, we will not be exclusive to a couple. We are looking for fun and not another spouse. We have been asked in the past but we have always felt that it goes against the reason we are in the lifestyle to begin with.

If we wanted exclusivity, I don't believe we would be in this lifestyle. To each there own, that's just the way we feel

I feel the bareback factor to be a major plus in an exclusive relationship with another couple or couples. There are groups of couples that also maintain exclusive or semi-exclusive relationships. To call them not part of the lifestyle is silly. We each decide how many we wish to swing with. Once you have one extra partner you play with, you are no longer monogamous.

Exclusivity need not be lifetime. It need only be for the time that it works, it feels right. For this couple it seemed what they liked about exclusivity was the simplicity, the fact that it was distant, the idea that it was about playing during vacation time away from homebase, and the bareback factor. All reasonable.

As an aside about the fertility factor, there is vasectomy. As a man I find my vasectomy to be invaluable, never having to worry myself or a partner with fertility fears.

For us being exclusive either with another couple or small group would not work. We like to meet new people and a big part of the fun is finding out all the new buttons to push. I agree that we have never seen the long distance thing work and long distance and being exclusive would make it worse.

K

I feel the bareback factor to be a major plus in an exclusive relationship with another couple or couples. There are groups of couples that also maintain exclusive or semi-exclusive relationships. To call them not part of the lifestyle is silly. We each decide how many we wish to swing with. Once you have one extra partner you play with, you are no longer monogamous.

 

Exclusivity need not be lifetime. It need only be for the time that it works, it feels right. For this couple it seemed what they liked about exclusivity was the simplicity, the fact that it was distant, the idea that it was about playing during vacation time away from homebase, and the bareback factor. All reasonable.

 

As an aside about the fertility factor, there is vasectomy. As a man I find my vasectomy to be invaluable, never having to worry myself or a partner with fertility fears.

Yes, we are grappling with these issues in a big way. The summer resort trip is weighing heavily as we will not only have the new couple with us, but there will be other couples there that we have played with in the past and who may want or ask us to play again. Some feelings may be hurt, unintentially.

The new couple has not even brought up the issue of "bareback" so we can't even be sure that that is a factor for them. They seem to want us all to themselves. Incidentally, we have told them about all of our past experiences so they are well aware that we like to have fun and don't have too much trouble meeting others at lifestyle friendly resorts. Incidentally, they are very fit and attractive and would also have no problem meeting others but they are adamant that they wish to be only with us. It seems clear that we need to have a talk with them about what would happen in various scenerios.

Mrs. Westcan is not totally opposed to the idea of "exclusive" but she admits that one of the big reasons for that is the stress in having to meet and get to know new people. It stresses me out also, but to me the stress doesn't weigh as heavily as the benefits. Not sure if that is the best reason. But that is really the only reason she has given.

Don't want to start a new thread here, but I could never get the V done, although I have the utmost admiration and respect for those that can.

I can say for us we do NOT want to be exclusive. We like to play spontaneously when the mood strikes, and not feel like there are ANY strings.

We played with a couple recently and had a great time - we live hundreds of miles apart. With her we can both text and joke and have a good time, but her husband? Always wants to have sexting going on with me, and that just doesn't turn me on. I would MUCH rather meet someone that I connect with and have a good time, with no strings to anyone but my husband.

Mrs. NC.

Yes, we are grappling with these issues in a big way. The summer resort trip is weighing heavily as we will not only have the new couple with us, but there will be other couples there that we have played with in the past and who may want or ask us to play again. Some feelings may be hurt, unintentially.

 

The new couple has not even brought up the issue of "bareback" so we can't even be sure that that is a factor for them. They seem to want us all to themselves. Incidentally, we have told them about all of our past experiences so they are well aware that we like to have fun and don't have too much trouble meeting others at lifestyle friendly resorts. Incidentally, they are very fit and attractive and would also have no problem meeting others but they are adamant that they wish to be only with us. It seems clear that we need to have a talk with them about what would happen in various scenerios.

 

Mrs. Westcan is not totally opposed to the idea of "exclusive" but she admits that one of the big reasons for that is the stress in having to meet and get to know new people. It stresses me out also, but to me the stress doesn't weigh as heavily as the benefits. Not sure if that is the best reason. But that is really the only reason she has given.

We can only speak for ourselves, but we love meeting new people. If meeting new folks is stressful for you, I'd reconsider why I was in the LS. If we're going away and there are a bunch of playmates there who would want to play again, we're not thinking about exclusivity for a second. It's just not what we're looking for.

Don't want to start a new thread here, but I could never get the V done, although I have the utmost admiration and respect for those that can.

It's a piece of cake. Had it done 7 years ago. Quick and relatively painless for me. Was sore for a couple days but nothing intolerable.

Big Nikki here.

Let's tease this apart into its various aspects. And while we're discussing things, let's keep in mind that in life nothing is all this or all that; but somewhere on a spectrum.

You appear to have a natural inclination to be in, or to consider, an exclusive relationship with another couple. Call that "going steady" to borrow high school terminology. It can be a very sweet thing and if it progresses far enough, you might find yourselves more or less in polyamory.

If you find yourselves wanting to be exclusive with another couple, that's dandy, and don't worry about "is it possible in the lifestyle?" ; follow your desires and don't be concerned about whether it fits some definition.

Now, about being exclusive 2000 miles away. Going steady but only seeing each other on occasion? That's a recipe for much unhappiness. Only if everyone truly agreed that you were exclusive when together, but otherwise not.

The other couple may simply want to be in an always-exclusive relationship, but they need to find a couple closer to home.

If you and they want exclusive-only-when-together, then you should take fabulous vacations together, but don't do it at lifestyle event, that's another recipe for frustration (including frustration of others), hurt feelings, even feelings of betrayal.

-- Big Nikki

Exclusive is possible, like anything else it might take some time to find someone who is willing though.

We've met quite a few people, and usually the only ones we see going exclusive are the singles/hall pass types who hook up (1v1). Im sure there are couples who do so, but they probably dont go out to parties as much.

We know of some couple groups who are "exclusive" amongst a 2-4 couple grouping, meaning they all get together and play with each other most every weekend. The only time they come out of that grouping seems to be when they lose a member and want to replace one, which is when we came across them.

It's an intriguing thought, but it's not for us. We love the variety, and while we do have "favored" playmates per se, we like having the option to play around with more.

The bit I don't understand: why would you want exclusivity?

This is our experience... We have a couple that we thought we were gonna be exclusive with but with our schedules we just cant see each other very often... so we have ventured out to seek other couples... We would like to have an exclusive couple but just havent found one yet... We also know that with this lifestyle we can not expect that a couple that we did choose to be exclusive with would be exclusive with us... We wouldnt push it either... just my thoughts...

I can say for us we do NOT want to be exclusive. We like to play spontaneously when the mood strikes, and not feel like there are ANY strings.

 

We played with a couple recently and had a great time - we live hundreds of miles apart. With her we can both text and joke and have a good time, but her husband? Always wants to have sexting going on with me, and that just doesn't turn me on. I would MUCH rather meet someone that I connect with and have a good time, with no strings to anyone but my husband.

 

Mrs. NC.

We are not big "sexting" types. Like you, it doesnt really do too much for the Mrs., but she doesn't mind once in a while. We dated one couple where that is pretty much all he wanted and when the Mrs., didn't reply in kind, he lost interest. In that case, his wife and I got along wonderfully and really became quite close (even though we were 2000 miles away). But alas, it takes four to tango and if everyone isn't in sinc, it doesn't work. The two of us also prefer a close connection and a good time. I don't think it's very easy for four people to have it work.

The bit I don't understand: why would you want exclusivity?

To clarify, I (hubby) am not really that much in favour of the whole exclusivity thing and agree with many of the comments so far, although if there is a close connection between the four of us, I can see how it could work. The relationship we had with the couple before this couple was very close to that. We were both very into the other couple.

The Mrs. is a little on the shy side and it's my thought that she prefers avoiding the stress of meeting new people. I think that is her reason for considering the "exclusivity" route - the comfort level and the potential for developing a very close emotional bond. This new couple is very nice. He is a wonderful, thoughtful guy and I see why my wife really connects with him. I like his wife also, but probably not to the exclusioin of all other as I don't really see developing a close bond with her and probably wouldn't want to spend a whole week at a vacation resort with mostly her alone.

This makes me tired just thinking about it. Phew. It's hard enough to find a cpl for 4 way chemistry......

So far the responses have been absolutely wonderful and helpful... We're kind of sensing it is not really easy to make an "exclusive" relationship work and from our experience it is hard to imagine why it wouldn't end in disaster.

 

On the flip side, the two of us are a little on the shy side and the comfort we get from exclusive is avoiding the stress in meeting new people (which hasn't really been a problem, just stressful). Playing with someone around home isn't really a good option because we are unusually busy (work hard/play hard) and prefer to do our cutting loose when we get away on our Lear jet (ya right...haha)....

I'm curious, was your wife even living at home when you were typing this out? Did she even know that you posted any of this stuff? I agree with others, be honest and tell the couple you're not into the "exclusive" thing. Don't invite them up to your house in Canada and tell them that you are going on a vacation for them. Also, don't invite them up and then spring it on them that your wife moved out on you. It doesn't take much to just tell someone how things are so that there are no surprises.

For us, we will not be exclusive to a couple. We are looking for fun and not another spouse. We have been asked in the past but we have always felt that it goes against the reason we are in the lifestyle to begin with.

 

If we wanted exclusivity, I don't believe we would be in this lifestyle. To each there own, that's just the way we feel

And that's a fair statement ... It sounds like you would be honest and up front with any couple who was advancing this proposition and just tell them your position. Fair to say that the OP never did this, which is why his first post starts out saying, "Help". I mean seriously, you don't go making vacation plans at a major nude resort with a couple wanting an "exclusive" if you're into the freedom of the lifestyle, or do you?

Yes, we are grappling with these issues in a big way. The summer resort trip is weighing heavily as we will not only have the new couple with us, but there will be other couples there that we have played with in the past and who may want or ask us to play again. Some feelings may be hurt, unintentially.

 

The new couple has not even brought up the issue of "bareback" so we can't even be sure that that is a factor for them. They seem to want us all to themselves. Incidentally, we have told them about all of our past experiences so they are well aware that we like to have fun and don't have too much trouble meeting others at lifestyle friendly resorts. Incidentally, they are very fit and attractive and would also have no problem meeting others but they are adamant that they wish to be only with us. It seems clear that we need to have a talk with them about what would happen in various scenerios.

 

Mrs. Westcan is not totally opposed to the idea of "exclusive" but she admits that one of the big reasons for that is the stress in having to meet and get to know new people. It stresses me out also, but to me the stress doesn't weigh as heavily as the benefits. Not sure if that is the best reason. But that is really the only reason she has given.

 

Don't want to start a new thread here, but I could never get the V done, although I have the utmost admiration and respect for those that can.

But something tells me you never did have a talk with them. Yes, I can imagine your wife would get stressed out about this stuff, especially when she's not told of your activities on swinger sites, and who you are lining up on your vacations. Could cause someone to cut their vacation in half and leave for good! I'm sure this wasn't your case.

I never really thought about it as being "exclusive". But.....We had one situation early on that was somewhat "exclusive" because any rare chance we got, we hooked up with them instead of going out to parties or meeting others. As most have said, it didn't end well. Emotions got involved and it became too much of a "relationship" for comfort. I just think it sounds too much like dating. Not our cup of tea or why we are in this.

Some folks could be a bit exclusive just because of high profile positions. I can see that as an option with a very few partners. However, it didn't work for us at all.