Swinging and gray-sexuality

Hi everyone, I'm hoping to get some advice and guidance as I am new to this. I recently came to the realization that I am gray-sexual. Not quite asexual as I sometimes experience sexual attraction and/or feelings, but it is only occasionally and quite frankly I don't have much desire for sex outside of occasional masturbation. I am very fit and healthy and do not take any medication...so it's not a reduced libido due to that...just who I am. If I were to go the rest of my life without sex, I honestly believe that I would be ok with that.

The issue is that I have a husband who is very sexual and I don't want him to be deprived his sexuality. I am considering offering him the opportunity to open up our marriage for the purpose of getting his sexual desires met. We are a very happily married couple with tremendous love and respect for each other. Sexuality is the one area where we just aren't compatible. Would it be appropriate to post on a swingers site looking for women for him? We would be completely upfront about the fact that there is a 98% chance that I would not play (but would like to keep the door open to it if I feel the desire). How would you suggest we present our profile? I would like to meet women and couples in the lifestyle...I think they would have a better understanding and respect for what we are doing than someone we just meet randomly. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thank you!

paintedlady-

There are all kinds of swinging out there, and I think there's nothing wrong with the kind of arrangement you are looking for. I hope your husband realizes how lucky he is to have a wife who wants his desires to be met, even if it's with someone else! Is he amenable to this idea as well?

So I think you could put up a profile that makes it clear that you are looking primarily for women for the Mr., or MFM situations involving him, and that while you would love to meet the people who respond, you are most likely not going to be involved in playing. If you make it clear that you are totally OK with this idea (maybe even write some of the profile from your first-person perspective), that will help to allay the potential concerns of women who are on the lookout for men cheating on their wives. I won't lie to you- there are many fewer opportunities out there for the kind of scenario you are proposing than for couple-with-couple play. But if you are patient and keep looking, you will find people who want just what you're offering- for every lock, there is a key!

So, I know that you have portrayed your sex-drive situation as something that is not due to a medical condition, that you are fit and healthy, that it is who you are, and you seem OK with this state of affairs. I'm no doctor, but my point of view is that such a low sex drive is unhealthy in itself, even if you are otherwise healthy. Also, I don't know your age, but of course people's sex drive does diminish a bit with age, as hormone levels are reduced somewhat. But just because you are not otherwise unhealthy, doesn't mean you have to settle for a low libido! My wife and I, both in our mid-50s and not unhealthy people, with hormone levels that are normal for people our age. But we are benefiting from hormone therapy, including implanted testosterone pellets (for both of us- yes, testosterone for women, in smaller quantities, is essential!), thyroid supplements, and other things, that put our hormone levels not at "normal for 55", but at "normal for 35" levels! We have more energy, better mental clarity, we sleep great, have lost weight, and have a healthy and happy libido. It might be worth looking into! End of commercial!

Good luck with your search!

CoupleInMD79 said:

So, I know that you have portrayed your sex-drive situation as something that is not due to a medical condition, that you are fit and healthy, that it is who you are, and you seem OK with this state of affairs. I'm no doctor, but my point of view is that such a low sex drive is unhealthy in itself, even if you are otherwise healthy.

I would like to respectfully disagree, CoupleInMD. There are those who are asexual, demisexual, gray-a, and anything else they call themselves on the asexual spectrum. For some people, sex just doesn't hold any interest for them or they don't experience any sexual attraction to anyone except for infrequent occasions that may be linked to an emotional (but not romantic) attachment to someone.

Just a few links I found regarding it:

Gray asexuality

Demisexuality and gray-asexuality

Are you asexual?

Asexuality website

As for your situation, paintedlady, as long as you both are open, honest, and up-front about the situation, then I don't see that there would be a problem. Communication between yourselves and the other couple is key here. As stated in your other post ( New to swinging and unsure if what I want/don't want is frowned upon ) it will take patience to find others who will be open to your situation. A lot of couples desire a swap between all parties. There are couples who are looking for an extra female to join them. For those who desire an extra male, it is easy to obtain since there are a lot of single males. Your husband will have to stand out amongst them.

Couples who look for an extra male may like that he is part of a couple because there is less of a chance he will become emotionally attached. On the other hand, couples may not understand the dynamic of your relationship and play it safe and steer away.

Have you two looked into attending any swinger meet and greets or swinger clubs in your area?

Hi CoupleInMD79,

Thank you so much for your reply

Is he amenable to this idea as well? Yes. He is actually the one to bring up the idea of an open marriage. In a nutshell, he is just waiting for me to give the green light and insists that he is OK if I do not want to do it. He has been very supportive regarding the roller coaster of emotions that I have been through over the last few weeks since he mentioned it. At times, it wasn't very pretty at all and he was full of apologies for the sadness and anger that I was experiencing. Like many people, the idea of opening up a marriage seemed to go against everything that I thought a marriage should be. I made a conscious decision to be open minded and have since started reading several books on the topic and have seen a shift in my thoughts. I'm not 100% there yet, though, hence the reason that we are still in the "considering" phase.

Thank you for your tips on how to go about setting up a profile. I will definitely keep your comments in mind if we move forward!

I am 36 years old and my husband and I have been together since I was 27 and he was 26. Our sex life has been strained from the beginning. Long stretches of time...and I'm not talking weeks or months...but years without sex. Honestly, it is a miracle that we have the two kids that we have. Our love for each other is deep and our relationship is very strong - not once did either of us consider leaving or cheating due to this issue. It's kind of been the elephant in the room all these years that we didn't really address. When my husband mentioned opening up the marriage, it opened up the floodgates of communication on this topic. I didn't realize how strong his sex drive is and has been...that he would want it everyday. I had no idea. He stopped initiating because I wasn't initiating and I wasn't showing any sexual desire or interest in him. And the cycle went on and on. The only times I have ever initiated were when I knew I was ovulating and wanted to get pregnant. Sex for that purpose only - not for pleasure. My husband is very attractive and women find him incredibly desirable...yet I just don't find myself desiring him in that way. And no one else for that matter. I cherish what we have and I desire our relationship and his love, attention, emotional closeness, hugs, cuddles, etc. - just not sex. I signed up to the SLS website to look at couples and single males to see if I had any urge or felt any sexual attraction. I have been on there every day, looking at as many profiles as possible and...nothing. So I started racking my brain and decided to go back and look at the asexuality spectrum. I knew that I wasn't asexual, but there was something going on with me - a gray area - and I found it. When I look at my history, I enjoyed sex in the beginning "new partner energy" phase with most of my partners, but never sought out sex and it never really occupied my mind a whole lot. Now with my husband, having been with him for so long, I can really see myself more clearly. When I was reading about gray-asexuality, it was the biggest sense of relief...yes, that's me!!!

I appreciate your suggestions for hormone therapy and supplements but I'm not sure that is right for me, though. I had the Essure procedure done so that I would not need to take birth control, I had both of my children naturally with a midwife so that I would not be pressured for any type of induction or pain relief or any unnecessary medical intervention, and I don't even do Ibuprofen or caffeine. Needless to say, I'm a hard sell...but I promise to keep your suggestions in mind

So here I am, discovering something about myself that I believe was always there - I just didn't have the awareness or vocabulary to define it. I am in counseling currently regarding the specific issue of my sexuality. My second appointment is tomorrow and I will begin the discussion with her regarding what I have recently discovered about myself and how best to proceed...for myself first, but also for my relationship with my husband. I don't want my husband to go without and I don't want to feel pressured to do something that I really don't have any desire for - so opening up seems to make sense. I find myself currently struggling with the idea of my husband with another woman, though. He insists that this is for purely sex only. He has told me time and time again how beautiful I am to him inside and out, and how deeply he loves me and how strongly he is committed to me. That we won't do it unless I'm 100% on board. I trust him and want him to feel happy and fulfilled on all fronts, and I think this could be a safe place to achieve that. I need to work through my concerns and worries, and then maybe we'll find our own little brand of swinging that works for us

Thank you again!

Hi sunbuckus,

A big thank you to you as well for your reply!

Thank you so much for the links. I printed one of them out to take to my next counseling appointment. It was like reading a profile about me. What a sense of relief and understanding!

If we decide to move forward, we will be very honest about what we are looking for. My husband is very committed to me and our marriage, and he insists that an emotional attachment to anyone besides me is out of the question...that this would be for sex only. My hope is that we can find couples or single women in the lifestyle that would be interested in a husband with a hall pass. My husband gets hit on quite often, and the ladies seem to like what he has to offer

I am very interested in doing a meet and greet, party, or club. My husband was showing strong interest as well. We put the discussion of opening up our marriage on hold, though, as I was going through quite a bit of emotional madness regarding the issue. He wanted to back off and give me time to process it at my own speed. I would like to get our feet wet and see how we intuitively feel when we are in that environment. I am currently in counseling and working through the issues that I have with my sexuality and want to come to a better understanding of who I am, what I really want, and how I would feel about my husband having sex with other women before saying yay or nay to him. The first meet and greet, party, or club would probably just be a test run. My concern is showing up to a gathering with no intention of either of us playing...and then being seen as a tease or upsetting others. Your thoughts on this??

You are very welcome, paintedlady! I am glad those links helped you as well.

My concern is showing up to a gathering with no intention of either of us playing...and then being seen as a tease or upsetting others. Your thoughts on this??

If you attend a non-premise or meet-and-greet, this will not be a problem. These sorts of situations are set up just for this reason...to meet other swingers, possibly see if swinging is for you and your spouse, and just get a feel for the community of swingers in your area. When we went to our first meet-and-greet as newbies, it was a relief to hear from other swingers their thoughts about the LS. Out of the entire room, we were only attracted to one couple, but we talked to several couples that evening. They were friendly and helpful.

Since you said you are in counseling and working through issues, I would recommend putting swinging on hold until you and your husband are in a more stable place. Adding swinging to your plate might be too stressful or overwhelming. That doesn't mean that you have to stop researching or reading though. I found that reading here and other materials online really helped me when we first began.

You can go to any sex club with no intention of participating. It's polite to not lead anybody on that is interested in playing, but well frankly people ignore that all the time.

I would also go with open ears and open eyes. Look listen and learn, it will be fun!!

Thank you for your courteous appreciation, panted lady- I hope you understand that my comments were intended only to suggest a possible option to look into, in the unlikely event that it was something you had not considered.

I agree with sunbuckus on the idea of attending a meet and greet event in your area. In fact, I like that notion better than going to a lifestyle club at this point in your process. A meet and greet held at a local tavern will have no sexual activity taking place on the premises, and so will take that kind of option off the table for the evening. Now that's not to say that some people at the meet and greet won't be making plans for something after the party, but it'll be easy and quite natural for you two to decline any invitations, should they come your way. This can be more about you getting comfortable with actual swingers, face to face, getting to know some people, and telling your story to those who you feel comfortable with. Swingers are generally very friendly, open, and approachable people!

You might be able to find some meet and greet groups on SLS.

Good luck!

Since you said you are in counseling and working through issues, I would recommend putting swinging on hold until you and your husband are in a more stable place. Adding swinging to your plate might be too stressful or overwhelming. That doesn't mean that you have to stop researching or reading though. I found that reading here and other materials online really helped me when we first began.

A wise approach, I believe.

I am curious. How do you find meet and greets?

Thank you sunbuckus, kikonkrome, and CoupleInMD79! I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your responses. It feels so nice to have a safe outlet for unloading my thoughts. You all are awesome

Even though I don't expect to play myself (but might - you never know!) I feel a real draw towards people in the lifestyle. They do overwhelmingly seem friendly, open, and approachable. The social part of this appeals strongly to me and I would love to make new friends along the way which is part of the reason that I want to do this together as a couple (with absolute honesty about what we are looking for of course). I think a meet and greet sounds perfect! And then if we are comfortable, move on to a club.

I will continue reading, visiting this forum, and educating myself about swinging and open marriages. I agree that we should put swinging on hold temporarily as I work through my issues. When it feels right, I think a meet and greet would be a perfect place to start. I will look on SLS. Are there any other websites or resources that I can tap into to help find local meet and greets?

Thank you again!!

Are there any other websites or resources that I can tap into to help find local meet and greets?

SLS has worked for us but that might be because it is popular in our area. You can also try SwingTowns, Swinger Zone Central, SDC, Kasidie, and AdultFriendFinder. All you have to do is scroll all the way down and there is a "Links" list of all these websites. I don't know if they have a calendar of events but that is how we use the calendar at SLS.

SLS has worked for us but that might be because it is popular in our area. You can also try SwingTowns, Swinger Zone Central, SDC, Kasidie, and AdultFriendFinder. All you have to do is scroll all the way down and there is a "Links" list of all these websites. I don't know if they have a calendar of events but that is how we use the calendar at SLS.

Thank you! I will definitely check those out!

You are very welcome!

Since you said you are in counseling and working through issues, I would recommend putting swinging on hold until you and your husband are in a more stable place. Adding swinging to your plate might be too stressful or overwhelming. That doesn't mean that you have to stop researching or reading though. I found that reading here and other materials online really helped me when we first began.

I respectfully disagree with this suggestion. It doesn't sound as though your relationship is unstable and there's no better time to explore new avenues than with the support of a therapist and a loving partner. Attending a meet & greet may provide the social aspect of swinging that is appealing to you as well as make connections with understanding and friendly couples you/your husband might consider having casual sex with. The atmosphere in the company of other swingers is relaxing, titillating and full of possibilities - and a great venue to explore your sexuality. I am always amazed with each encounter, whether we swing or not, how much closer we feel because we are doing something together as a team...opening up new lines of conversation.

I say try the meet & greet or the club just to check it out.

Your specific situation aside, I am glad to see that you are considering this, despite your more "grey" sexuality. I identify with that, as I am most certainly a demisexual. I have never really enjoyed, or prioritized anything concerning sex until I met my husband, who is the first one I have been able to open up to in that way and enjoy it. I have always been able to have sex, although it always felt more obligatory within the relationship, but I certainly could have lived without it and did, for many years. With my husband, that is not the case and I genuinely want it from him, which was a new feeling for me, but I know I could never get that again, at least without another 30 years of searching.

When he brought up swinging, I went through the usual roller coaster of emotions, and it took some time for me. Not because I didn't like the idea or because our personal sex life was suffering (as it certainly wasn't), but because of my (rather extreme) demisexuality. I was even open to the idea of him playing, and me not playing, and being comfortable with the idea of finding a couple in which the male was in a similar "grey area". I didn't hate the idea that I could (for example) play scrabble with the husband while my husband played with his wife. I was mentally prepared for any possible scenario. Separating the emotional connection from sex is, what I thought, impossible. We had our first experience recently (it ended up an unintentionally soft one with a more negative (yet non-damaging) reaction from my husband than myself...surprisingly), but that aside, I viewed the experience as "being with my husband" and I found that I could separate it, with the knowledge that I was doing it with him...rather than seeing it as "doing it with the other guy". It was much easier than I thought. Because of this, it is important to note that being in same room was essential, as well as the ability to connect with and touch my husband, being he is the sole catalyst for my sex drive. Because of the strength of our relationship, the lack of jealousy that I was able to maintain, and my desire for him to have an amazing time, it went as well as I could expect on my end.