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JAPrufrock

New vs. experienced play partners

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So, I'm curious to find out how experienced couples or singles view newbies in the LS? I am always up front with the people we talk to that Mr. Prufrock and I haven't done anything at all yet(although, we hope to visit a club soon.) I always feel that this is somehow disappointing or off-putting. Like, as newbies, what do we really have to offer a couple who can easily find more experienced people to play with? This is especially true for me, as Mr. Prufrock is my first and only for everything.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, we're not really sure if we should be looking for other newbies to start with or a willing experienced couple/single. I worry that if we do find another newbie couple, we will just end up awkwardly staring at each other, but those with more experience are rather intimidating, for me at least.

 

What do you all think?

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Great question!

Our first swing experience was with a vanilla FWB & didn't go quite as expected, it was hot but as he is Vanilla with capital V, we weren't able to get the full MFM experience but have since worked out the expectations for that playmate & all is good there. Honesty, understanding & communication were keys to getting everyone comfortable & it is working great.

 

For our first full couple swap we chose an experienced LS couple, thinking they could "break us in right". We were somewhat intimidated at first. That playdate was good and we learned a lot, especially about what we were looking for. They were more of the sex, ok done, get dressed & get out type while we are more into hanging out talking on the bed afterwards, maybe how about round 2! Not that they were rude or anything thats just what works for them.

Our second couple(one experienced one newish) we were more compatible with in what everyone wanted.

 

So thats our few experiences with differences. I wouldn't say that one is better than the other(fellow newbies versus experienced ) just to keep communicating with your SO about your expectations, boundaries & desires & have fun!

-She

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Guest

We were all newbies once upon a time. And, like us, each newbie is different from every other.

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We were all newbies at our first date and in retrospect that was not helping, it amplified the beginner problems as everyone was learning along the way, including difficult things like emotions and communication. Plus side is that it made a strong bond with our fwb's but it easily could have gone wrong. And it nearly did.

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I think there is a range of feelings among experienced couples about newbies. A few experienced couples do shy away from newbies a little. I guess they feel there may be many questions or the potential drama with a newbie couple. But we have met lots and lots of experienced couples who were happy to engage with newbies, answer our questions patiently, help us to understand how it all works, take things slowly, and reassure us along the way. And now that the Mrs. and I have some experience under our belts, we are happy to have the chance to "pay it forward" and spend time with newbie couples. We would love to be somebody's first time!

 

Our first play time was with an experienced couple. They were happy to guide us newbies into the experience, and willing to risk the possibility that we would change our minds or freak out! We were very happy to go with an experienced couple for the first time- they made things much easier because only one couple was groping blindly (the other was groping on purpose!).

 

So, our feeling is that it's best to be "mentored" by a patient, experienced couple.

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I guess another question is, if you're experienced and willing to play with a newbie couple, what would be something that would make you pass them up? Conversely, what would make you want to play with them?

 

I think we lean more towards finding experienced people to lead us on the way, but it seems to be difficult to find ones who are willing to mentor a new couple.

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We don't specifically exclude new couples, but it does put us on our guard since our belief is with new couples there's more potential for things to go wrong and drama. When our guard is up, we are looking really closely for any hints of immaturity, either personal or relationship immaturity, signs they aren't in it together or one is pulling the other, evidence that they know what they are getting into and by that I mean know what they want, whether it be full swap, soft swap, same room, separate room, etc. We look for those things in everybody, but with a new couple, we are just looking extra hard for any clues those things might not all be there.

 

Some people seek out new couples because of the "fresh meat" thing, which I personally find off-putting. It's not super common, but we did experience it a bit when we tried a new club one time. We were in contact with a few of the regulars there before we went, and one was expressing that sort of attitude and words, which we didn't like at all since it seemed presumptuous and we didn't like feeling like we were a prize in some sort of got there first contest.

 

Our first couple were new too. We had a little more experience in being around the swinger world than they did, but for both sides, it was the first actual playing. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't as hoped either, and a big part of that I think was just the newness all the way around. Our second experience was with an experienced couple, and it was much better simply because they knew what to do, guided us through it, and kept us being new in mind as they did so. We first thought someone just as new as us would be better for our first time, but in hindsight, that was kind of a bad call since it turned out to be just the opposite.

 

You guys have it together, and it shows. I don't think you'll have any problem with your newness scaring people off once they actually get to meet you. A few more events too, and you won't be feeling so new. You may not have played yet, but you'll be feeling comfortable in your surroundings, and that will make a big difference.

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Everyone else above me covered the majority of the reasons why we are usually on guard (as cplnuswing said) when a couple says they are new. Another reason for us is that once we hear a couple is "new"/"newbies" we don't want them to feel like they are being rushed, pushed, or pressured so we give them a lot of space and let them decide if they want to go ahead. If they want to play, they would have to let us know that they are ready. I know it sounds funny since they would be the ones that have the hardest time asking but for us, it's better safe than sorry.

 

As for when we were new to swinging, since I had done a lot of research and reading here, I came to the conclusion that being with another new couple would be fraught with issues so we decided to not seek out new couples. Luckily, an experienced couple found us at our first house party and inducted us in.

 

Would we like to help new couples into their first experience? Yes, as long as they are ready. We're more than happy to answer questions and even suggest visiting this forum but we are very much aware that things could go south quickly because reality is a lot different from fantasy and some people might not be able to handle that when they experience it the first time.

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We love talking to newbies, answering questions and generally hanging out to make them comfortable. We will not play with them, we are just not interested in couples where they are not sure of what they are doing or have dealt with the emotions that come from the actual swap. Which I feel like no matter how much you read and research you truly won't know how you will feel until you do it.

 

Our first couple was fairly new but an older couple and it went well, especially since it took the third meetup for my hubby to be able to fully perform (he made up for it though, she was a very happy camper).

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When we met our first couple we wanted someone who wasn't going to be shy. We knew we wanted to have this experience and we didn't know if we could initiate. I wanted to watch my wife with a woman and the couple we met, on CL, said that would be fine. The guy was a jerk but we did what we set out to do.

 

From there we decided we could be other couples "first". We realize some couples don't know how to start. We also understand that it is a hard thing to finally do. Talking about swinging and finally doing is two different things. We also enjoy being the first for a woman who is curious. We have learned that some need a little time to go that last step. We have met some a few times but we like the excitement of being a first.

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I guess another question is, if you're experienced and willing to play with a newbie couple, what would be something that would make you pass them up? Conversely, what would make you want to play with them?

 

I think we lean more towards finding experienced people to lead us on the way, but it seems to be difficult to find ones who are willing to mentor a new couple.

Since the time that we entered the "experienced" category, we have pursued a few new-to-the-game couples. We judge the prospect of success or failure using the same criterion as for experienced people:

 

* Do they look into each others eyes with affection and make little affectionate gestures to each other?

* Do they treat the restaurant wait staff with respect (learned that one here at Swingersboard)?

* Do they both seem engaged (is one of them checking his or her mobile device under the table or distracted by the hockey game on the TV?)

* Do they go on and on about their exploits and accomplishments and show no curiosity in regard to who we are or what we do?

 

I will not pretend to answer for my wife for what makes her want to play with somebody. But a sweet smile gives me an instant erection and makes me desirous.

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We played with a couple recently for whom it was their first couple swap. They had no drama, rules or demands and it went more smoothly than with many experienced players. They performed admirably with gusto and innovation. You never know!

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I guess another question is, if you're experienced and willing to play with a newbie couple, what would be something that would make you pass them up? Conversely, what would make you want to play with them?

 

As others have said, first and foremost we look for people that we like and have some chemistry with, just as would be the case if we met an experienced couple. And for the particular case of a new couple, if it looks like one of the people in the couple is not very excited about the prospect of playing, or is being pulled along by the other person, we would not look to force things. The last thing we want to do is to contribute to any problems or cause drama! If the couple is not very open in their communication with each other, or with us, that might be another warning signal that they are not quite ready to play. I think also we might be reluctant o play with a new couple who seem to be rushing to get naked right away. It might be a sign of immaturity or nerves, and we want to make absolutely sure that everybody is going into a play situation relaxed.

 

Things that would make us want to play with a new couple? Friendly, funny, people who appear more or less comfortable with the situation are great (a little nervousness on one's first time out is fine and completely understandable, as long as we feel like everybody really wants to play).

 

I think we lean more towards finding experienced people to lead us on the way, but it seems to be difficult to find ones who are willing to mentor a new couple.

 

I think that's a good way to go! It may be tougher to find, but I'd wager it will ultimately be worth the wait. After all, if you have a bad first swinging experience, it might make you more reluctant to have a second one- and that would be a loss for you and the rest of us!

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Just about every ad you will see will have one comment in common (and I don't mean the 'ken and barbie' comment...seems like everyone has to comment about Ken and Barbie). That is NO DRAMA. Make sure that your profile and/or responses all make it clear that you are drama free...you are both on board and know what your limits/rules/expectations are. We don't care about how much experience you may or may not have, just how well you two connect and then how well all of us 'click'. Take your time and find another couple that you click with and the rest should fall into place (sounds easy, right...it's not). Good luck and let us know how things progress.

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That brings up something else... I keep hi-jacking my own threads. Mr. Prufrock and I talked about rules and limits... And decided we don't really have any. For our first time, we decided to keep it soft, just to ease into things and keep the pressure off. But even that, it's not set in stone. Like, if we really click with the people and are enjoying ourselves and feel like we're both ready, we're totally OK going full-swap. The only issue there is how to communicate with each other during play. So, we'll probably keep that rule for the first time. The other rules are standard, condoms only, etc...

 

I feel like the lack of a long list of rules, though, would be a flag for other people. We talked about every situation we could think of (and some pointed out here, thanks guys!) and we didn't really have a problem with anything except real polyamory.

 

Is that ok to tell people?

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We've never really had a long list of rules either... just condoms required for penetration and my wife's likes and dislikes (backrubs good, anal sex bad). We've never had anyone have a problem with that.

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We were the same way in terms of rules. Condoms, open to full swap if we felt comfortable about it, and willing to stop all play if either of us wanted/needed to. When a couple has a long list of rules that's when we get wary.

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We were the same way in terms of rules. Condoms, open to full swap if we felt comfortable about it, and willing to stop all play if either of us wanted/needed to. When a couple has a long list of rules that's when we get wary.

 

That is us to a 'T', along with lionheart72's mention of personal preference. Thus far the only rule Mr. Prufrock is adamant on for me is no cumming inside vaginally, and that's because I can't be on any birth control, not worth the risk if the condom fails. I'm totally on board with that, although in a perfect world, the kinky side of me would love to play bareback and let him come inside as many times as he wants!

 

It's good to know that not having a lengthy list is a good thing.

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...the kinky side of me would love to play bareback and let him come inside as many times as he wants!

 

I'm with you there! To up the ante, multiple men but that's not happening anytime soon!

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I'm with you there! To up the ante, multiple men but that's not happening anytime soon!

 

Hell yes! Exactly.:facelick:

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I'll join in the chorus and say a long list of rules in a profile turns us off. We respect that everyone has their rules and boundaries just like we do, but when it feels like you may be walking into a minefield because of all the things you aren't supposed to be doing, then that just adds an extra level of stress, which isn't fun, and keeping it fun is our #1 rule.

 

In terms of stating soft but willing to go further in the right conditions, I might be a little careful with that. It's kind of like kids - when the parents say "maybe" they like to interpret that as a "yes" :) Just make sure and define it for people so they know exactly what you mean to avoid any misunderstandings. Saying something like "desiring soft swap and interested in full swap in the right scenario" might cause people to give the soft swap and full swap equal weight, when in fact that's not the case. Just like the rules thing, you don't have to write two paragraphs on it and probably turn people off along the way, but just do enough to make sure everyone is on the same page.

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mr ebonylehigh here - was enjoying this thread and wanted the throw in a couple of thoughts. In terms of the "rules" completely agree that seeing a bunch of rules is a total turn off. I also agree that it's very important not to include the "full swap with the right couple/scenario" - that's better off as an understanding between you two and definitely something you can share/discuss with a couple in person. For us, we had the same set of rules that we discussed and then we realized it was easier to go into it if we felt comfortable and give ourselves the latitude to discuss both during and after (esp with the early cold feet/failure to launch scenarios which can be tough). And even with signals, that transition from "we are ready to do this" to "we are doing this" usually never goes the way you imagine and/or planned!

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. . . We talked about every situation we could think of (and some pointed out here, thanks guys!) and we didn't really have a problem with anything except real polyamory.

 

Is that ok to tell people?

No harm in telling that to people. But if I were you, I would not bother to mention it. Nobody is worried about it.
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I think there's a slight possibility that some people could interpret a lack of rules for new people as a signal that you haven't thought things through. And of course it's not really the case that you have no rules- you do want to keep things limited to soft swap for your first time out (at least that's how you're going into the encounter). If you can convey to the other couple the fact that you've talked things over, and both feel comfortable with no real restrictions (well, except for the soft swap rule) as you've suggested, that might help demonstrate to your play partners that you are a thoughtful couple who talk things out.

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Our first time was with an experienced couple. We're glad we went in that direction, because they were dialed in on making it a positive experience, making sure we were comfortable the entire time, and made it clear that stopping at any moment was perfectly OK.

 

When we have played with newbies, we have tried to follow their example, and I believe we've been pretty successful in doing so.

 

What would make us want to play with a newbie couple? I guess the easiest (but most vague way) to say it is "They get it", and are doing this as a team. After a bit of chat, you can tell when a couple has thought this through, are doing it for the right reasons. Those are the couples that we enjoy.

 

We also see a short list of rules as a positive thing.

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A long list of rules (especially in a profile) is kind of a yellow flag, however a complete lack of rules is a red flag (as mentioned, it looks like they really haven't discussed wants and expectations). It's a fine line. I would not bother listing the polygamy thing and it's much easier to say that you are not looking for full swap in the beginning than say we MIGHT be looking in the right circumstances. That way nobody is expecting the possibility of it happening if you don't go full then the other couple isn't wondering why you didn't (with them). Easier to say that you are okay with something you previously said no to than to say no to something you implied (as pointed out, maybe means yes or at least doesn't mean no) was okay.

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The poly thing we haven't listed on our profiles, that's more of an internal rule we decided on, and plan on bringing it up with other couples only if it is brought up in conversation. If that makes sense. All of you made a good point about full swap vs. soft and I went back to make sure our profile indicated we were soft swap at this time.

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