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mrsenergy

Keeping Feelings Separate

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Any tips on keeping feelings separate from sex? I am brand new to swinging. Is it normal to have feelings for the people you swing with especially when they are regulars? I left my first experience a bit emotionally confused. Would love any advice. Just for background I am committed in a relationship of three years and the couple we swing with are really close friends who have been together the same time. My girlfriend and I had been discussing how we where both sexually bored in our relationships and when the time came one thing lead to another and we ended up swinging.

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Any time you have sex with someone on a regular basis there is the chance that "feelings" will develop. For some folks this isn't a bad thing, for others it is grounds for excommunication. What you need to do is figure out where you and your spouse/partner stand on this spectrum, and depending on where that is, how the other people involved feel in all things considered. You make a plan, and be prepared to amend that plan as needed.

 

I will say this however - if your relationships are solid you will get through this just fine. If they are not, then you have your work cut out for you.

 

Good luck!

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I'm thinking that this:

I left my first experience a bit emotionally confused.

 

has a lot to do with this:

My girlfriend and I had been discussing how we where both sexually bored in our relationships...

 

While some of us are open to including feelings with our sex, others are not. However, for the most part successful swinging for couples comes when they're very happy in their relationship, including the existing sex, and the issue of feelings doesn't really arise all that often.

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Welcome to the forum, mrsenergy. You've stumbled upon one of the greatest websites on the internet! I hope you find your time here very informative.

 

If by feelings you mean love, I think there are people who are more able to separate feelings of sex and love than others. This could be in part because we might be taught that sex and love go hand in hand (wait for marriage, wait to have sex with someone special, etc.) or a biological or natural tendency to grow fonder of those that we see more and more of and get to know on a deeper, intimate level. However, if you are talking about feelings of affection but not love, then there are plenty of swingers who have a friendship affection towards those they swing with regularly.

 

Some swingers limit how often they swing with a certain partner/couple to reduce the chances of developing feelings while others are more comfortable about the idea of at least developing friendships.

 

From the sounds of it, you are new to the LS, you became regulars with the first couple you swapped with, and feelings (unclear of which type) have developed. Have you had any swinging experiences outside of this first couple? How long have you two been regular? If you haven't had any other swing experiences outside of this one couple and it has become a regular arrangement between you two, it is not surprising that feelings have arose.

 

Have you and your girlfriend talked about the feelings that have developed? Do you two know what you are looking for in swinging (Casual sex? Casual sex and friendship? Perhaps a more poly situation?) If you two were only seeking casual sex, then the reasonable (but could be emotionally difficult) thing to do would be to end the relationship with this other couple. If you both are looking for a poly situation, then some serious discussion needs to be had between you and your girlfriend as well as the other couple.

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It's only natural to have special feelings toward people you had great sex with. My wife fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with. In my opinion, for women, sex is more of an emotional activity. I ,and I think most men, can detach emotions from the physical act of sex treating it like a sporting activity, a workout at the gym. That doesn't mean that men can't have feelings for that special woman, their girlfriend or their wife. It just means that most men, in my opinion, can approach a swinging or sharing experience and not get emotionally attached. To put in another way ... Men like to fuck. Women like to make love. I'm not saying that there aren't women out there that like to fuck :)

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I can remember thinking about how great being, all the time, with a couple of the wives of couples we swapped with. And I do remember confusing that feeling with love. Hey, I liked them and they were hot and good in bed!

 

The way I overcame this confusion was to talk to them, during vanilla times, about politics, religion, children, finances, and other things that are part of a relationship. Then I was pretty happy to just enjoying them as friends and sexual partners.

 

Just think back on the men you dated and really liked and were great lovers but you never considered marrying them. Your relationship with your S/O is based on a lot more than like and sex!

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Whew, Mr. intuition897 and I have been out of the loop for a lot of years now, but I'll give this a go.

 

I think you shouldn't be surprised when feelings pop up, and it can happen to either sex. Women DO tend to be a bit cuddlier than men, but I've always felt rather detached about sex. Ships in the night and all that. I never found it difficult to let go, and the worst I think I had it was maybe a bit of a crush. But it was easy enough to recognize as such. The best advice I can give is to really, REALLY work on your relationship with your partner. You need to know one another inside and out; there should be no doubt when you need to know what one another is thinking. You should be able to say to yourself, "Well of course he's not thinking this or that. That's just not who he is." and really be able to believe it without doubt.

 

If you have reached a level of honesty in your relationship that allows you to both be completely vulnerable with one another, laying it all out on the table in complete safety, you eliminate the doubts that make these emotional developments so scary. You'll need to start asking the scary questions like, "Do you/I want to start another relationship?", and "Am I okay with my partner having another relationship?" The answers might surprise you. For us, the answers were that yes, we were okay with one another starting a new relationship if it meant happiness for one another....as long as it didn't interfere with our own relationship. But no, we weren't actually interested in starting new relationships for ourselves. There's soooo much work involved, so much time and energy required, that a new relationship with anyone else just didn't make sense for either of us.

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Whew, Mr. intuition897 and I have been out of the loop for a lot of years now, but I'll give this a go.

 

 

Wow! May I gush and say that it's a great pleasure to see you on the forum?? I've seen your posts in the archive and I consider you guys another "legend"--a term I throw around for those who have been a member here for a long time. :) I do hope you find the time to make an extended active stay on the forum!

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The best advice I can give is to really, REALLY work on your relationship with your partner. You need to know one another inside and out; there should be no doubt when you need to know what one another is thinking. You should be able to say to yourself, "Well of course he's not thinking this or that. That's just not who he is." and really be able to believe it without doubt.

 

If you have reached a level of honesty in your relationship that allows you to both be completely vulnerable with one another, laying it all out on the table in complete safety, you eliminate the doubts that make these emotional developments so scary. You'll need to start asking the scary questions like, "Do you/I want to start another relationship?", and "Am I okay with my partner having another relationship?" The answers might surprise you. For us, the answers were that yes, we were okay with one another starting a new relationship if it meant happiness for one another....as long as it didn't interfere with our own relationship. But no, we weren't actually interested in starting new relationships for ourselves. There's soooo much work involved, so much time and energy required, that a new relationship with anyone else just didn't make sense for either of us.

 

What it comes down to for me is being ok with being alone, whether for the day, night, or indefinitely. While I would be sad if any of my partners left me to be with someone else, I would also be sad if they decided to not be with me for any reason, which is entirely possible. In order to be in "successful" nonmonogamous relationships, you and your partner(s) should be at a place where you know no person can threaten your relationship except the two of you (and every relationship is ultimately one-to-one).

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We have had a long term threesome swinging relationship with Bill (not real name), the first person who introduced us to swinging. He was my best friend when we started and had a real thing for my wife. He is still my best friend and my wife and I both really love him and he loves us. Having said that, there is no way my wife would want to live with him.

 

At the moment, my wife and I are into only MMF threesomes and yes, there is often male-male interaction. Next Monday we are hopefully going to start seeing another guy, SK. We have known SK for years, mainly since he is one of Bill's friends and he has even hit on my wife but nothing ever happened between him and my wife other than a bit of nude fondling in a swimming pool years ago. Bill is coming over to play with us on Monday and asked if he could bring SK along. After thinking about it, we both decided that would be nice. He's someone my wife and I think we could both really like very much. And liking someone very much is one of the requirements we have for swinging.

 

I know, liking a partner very much is something that scares many people, but it is how we are. My wife and I have been married 45 years and have never had any jealousy issues. In order for her to really get into a man, she has to like him very much. A lot of the allure of threesomes is to give my wife as much pleasure as possible. I want her to like the guy very much, even to the extent of loving him while they are having sex.

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Whew, Mr. intuition897 and I have been out of the loop for a lot of years now, but I'll give this a go.....

 

It's good to see you posting again. I've missed your avatar. :)

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It's good to see you posting again. I've missed your avatar. :)

 

Ditto!

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There is this one couple we play.. She is extremely attractive to myself and I have feelings for her. Everything about her I like. She is fun to be around has her life in order and is almost everything I want in a woman.. But... she is not married to me. Big but there. Feelings do have a place in my swinging world. I need to feel something for the other person. I need some sort of attraction. Not so much for my wife. Women may have it easier than men. Its hard to get a erection if nothing is there for me to like.

 

Check what your motives are. Are you looking for a new boyfriend? Self awareness is a blessing to have. Knowing what you are doing is a skill to have. Have fun and figure it out as you go. Good post.

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Our opinions on having 'feelings' for people we play with have changed over the years. At first we were very protective of our relationship, and we believed that if either of us ever began to feel 'feelings' for a playmate, we would end that situation. As playmates came and went, some were 'ships in the night' and some have been around since the beginning, we have never ended an arrangement over 'feelings'. Instead, as far as the great friends and lovers we have made go, we have become truly close to some, and care about our special friends deeply, however we are both 100% confident that we are each others one and only. Sexual attraction will come and go, and finding people you adore is to be cherished, but your one love is just that.

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We have had only a couple of playmates over the years and both were friends when we started playing with them. We still play with one and the other is still a good friend.

 

This morning we had a 'test run', or as Alura once said a 'test fuck' with a guy we have known casually for 25 or more years. My wife and I knew we would have a fun threesome with him, but she didn't know if there would be enough chemistry to make him a regular. As soon as we finished playing with him, my wife told him he was a "keeper" and she wanted us to continue playing with him and he was all for the idea.

 

It is great to get a new playmate. Needless to say, all three of us are overjoyed.

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Oh man, I have GOT to get my ass back in shape and we have got to get back in the game. I think I've forgotten how much fun we had with this. Thanks for the welcome back everyone. And Sunbuckus' comment has me just about blushing. I'm not quite sure we've achieved legendary status just yet, LOL. But I appreciate the sentiment. :)

 

I like oct1234's comment. It sort of underlines how all levels of emotional play or ends of the polyamory spectrum are workable as long as they work for everyone involved. That's the awesome part: that we get to make up our own rules as we go along, something that we found was very limiting about vanilla marriage. We deep-sixed the old marriage vows and started over with a clean slate and didn't make any assumptions. Best thing we ever did.

 

I also really like how ref2018 put it:

In order to be in "successful" nonmonogamous relationships, you and your partner(s) should be at a place where you know no person can threaten your relationship except the two of you (and every relationship is ultimately one-to-one).

That's about it in a nutshell. A friend of mine is very sexually open but she still thinks swinging will be the ruination of my marriage. It's hard to explain to her, try as I might, that the whole point of the endeavour is to totally disempower the sex act so that it only means what you put into it. The biggest revelation to me was the discovery that we can CHOOSE what is important to us or not. We control IT, not the other way around. If something is ever going to come between Mr. intuition897 and me, it sure as shit is NOT going to be over something as simple as sex. It would be a decision that we make rationally, with kindness, and for happiness of all involved. And he would have to make a pretty strong case to get rid of me. I'm wholly dedicated to helping him in this lifetime to live as fully as he can. If that means letting him go to be with someone else, so be it, but I'm just as happy sharing him with someone else who adds to his life. I don't know, I just want to see him happy. If that's what works, then it doesn't scare me. Not in the least.

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In order to be in "successful" nonmonogamous relationships, you and your partner(s) should be at a place where you know no person can threaten your relationship except the two of you (and every relationship is ultimately one-to-one).

 

(Quoting myself^^) Sometimes people THINK this is the case and they find out it isn't after all. However, I disagree with the idea that an "interloper" can "break up a marriage". The outsider could certainly try to MANIPULATE someone into leaving a relationship, but it is up to each of us to be true to ourselves.

 

People ask me all the time if I'm not afraid that Spouse will like someone else better than me and leave me if that person gave him an ultimatum. No, in fact, I'm more afraid that he'll leave because of something I do or something I don't do (I'm not even afraid of that anymore because he wouldn't have stayed with me very long in the first place). I also know that no matter how many other people my long-time "boyfriend" has sex with, he isn't going to say, "I met someone and they won't let me be involved with you." ETA: (At this time, my relationship with the recently-acquired boyfriend is not established enough for me to feel this kind of confidence. Perhaps one day it will be, but not today.)

 

That said, Husband did have a rule with his erstwhile girlfriend (they broke up because she met someone to date exclusively), which was that she was "not allowed" to say or suggest anything to the effect that he and I should break up. But that was HIS rule, I didn't even know he said that to her until they had been involved for several months. As far as I know, she never tried to "break" that rule, but i do know that she struggled with the "sharing" even though I never tried to control anything about their relationship whatsoever.

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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. Being so new to this, and it being unplanned kind of threw our relationship into a bit of a tailspin. You see, the guy is very cuddly and affectionate with me and my partner and I have had a pretty rough last few years. He (my partner) has been very emotionally shut down so when he saw me enjoying another man in that way it affected him because he realized how little attention he had been giving me. I sort of felt like there was more going on there with my play friend as he was the one who initiated the beginning of it, not sure how to read it as he is dating my best friend and this could be a mess if everyone doesn't keep their heads on straight.

 

Since then my partner has been extremely affectionate, very loving and really taking care of me. I kind of resented it at first to be honest. After all the years of BS it takes swinging to make you notice me? Frustrating. I am trying to just accept that he is trying and maybe realized something more in the bedroom that night. We have talked and have decided to take it easy, we aren't planning any more playdates until we get our relationship in a better place.

 

I loved it, he was a little more apprehensive. He did say I can have all the girl playdates I want for now.. ;) Yay me!

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...You see, the guy is very cuddly and affectionate with me and my partner and I have had a pretty rough last few years. He (my partner) has been very emotionally shut down so when he saw me enjoying another man in that way it affected him because he realized how little attention he had been giving me. ...Since then my partner has been extremely affectionate, very loving and really taking care of me. I kind of resented it at first to be honest. After all the years of BS it takes swinging to make you notice me? Frustrating. I am trying to just accept that he is trying and maybe realized something more in the bedroom that night. We have talked and have decided to take it easy, we aren't planning any more playdates until we get our relationship in a better place.

 

Don't sweat it mrsenergy. That's swinging right there. There's definitely some work involved, I won't lie, but it's a good kind of work with a huge return on investment. It's like taking your relationship to the gym and working out with heavy weights. What you notice most are all those relationship "muscles" that are weak. You're demanding a LOT from your relationship by doing this (swinging, that is), and you're going to feel it the next morning like you would with any good workout. Just recognize that any pain it causes is a symptom of the actual problem: a weakness. The good news is that you can very effectively zero in on these weaknesses (because they'll be real easy to spot, won't they? LOL) and start working on them.

 

Let go of the resentment; it won't serve any useful purpose. It's like the muscle soreness after the workout. Let it go and be happy: you just found a weak spot to work on! Always approach those tender spots with love, a spirit of goodwill and trust in one another's good intentions and you'll be just fine.

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My girlfriend and I had been discussing how we where both sexually bored in our relationships

 

So, our opinion is that there is a difference between bad sex and the point where it's just become routine BUT when you have it, it's fantastic, you just wish for more spontaneity and less of the every Tuesday and Saturday, after the kids are asleep and then it's, hurry up before we fall asleep ourselves :lol:

 

If it's the latter, and your relationship is solid then I don't believe there is anything to worry about as long as you know your limits. I do believe that there are people who are more prone to falling in love more so than others and if you start reaching the point that you are thinking that your partner is no longer mr/mrs right then you should SERIOUSLY rethink swinging. Anything that starts putting thoughts like that into your head should be cause for immediate concern. You have to determine if it's truly feelings or just lust because the lust will eventually wear off!

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I really love having sex with my partner but I am a newish parent (our daughter is almost 2) and our relationship got off to a pretty rocky and crazy start. We didn't really have much time alone (living with roommates, on our own 6 months) before our daughter came along.We fell hard in to a rut after she was born.

 

We are both really open, loving people so I could see how swinging could fit into our lives. I don't think we are the swinging party types but more of the semi committed relationship with another couple type if that makes sense.. (At least sexually committed anyways)

 

Thank you for all the amazing advice! Such a great board with amazing insightful people who have been there. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to help. This has been a challenge for our relationship but its already improved so much since our first encounter. Now I just have to make sure I have my head on straight :)

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Any tips on keeping feelings separate from sex? I am brand new to swinging. Is it normal to have feelings for the people you swing with especially when they are regulars? I left my first experience a bit emotionally confused. Would love any advice. Just for background I am committed in a relationship of three years and the couple we swing with are really close friends who have been together the same time. My girlfriend and I had been discussing how we where both sexually bored in our relationships and when the time came one thing lead to another and we ended up swinging.

 

You're going to get a lot of varying advice on this topic. You'll have to sort through it all and decide what rings true to you and discard the rest. Keep in mind that much of what you read (not necessarily here, but from other sources) is written by people with an agenda.

 

When Ann and I decided we were serious about the possibility of swinging, we did two things that, in retrospect, turned out to be very helpful:

 

First, we sat down with our psychotherapist and discussed our thoughts and intentions. We wanted to hear her advice and opinions on the subject and take them into consideration before we took any concrete action. What she had to say, while not what we expected, was very helpful. The emotional mine field was just one of the many topics that we covered.

 

Second, at the urging of our psychotherapist, we discussed our intentions with a trusted physician. We wanted to know from a reliable source what are the potential medical issues/risks involved and, if we decided to proceed, what precautions we should take. This went well beyond the use of condoms.

 

We cannot overstate the value of having heard this advice before we took any action. It profoundly altered our path in the lifestyle.

 

After reading your post, you might want to take a step back and adopt a similar course of action before you go any farther down the road.

 

Good luck.

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First, we sat down with our psychotherapist and discussed our thoughts and intentions. We wanted to hear her advice and opinions on the subject and take them into consideration before we took any concrete action. What she had to say, while not what we expected, was very helpful. The emotional mine field was just one of the many topics that we covered.

 

Second, at the urging of our psychotherapist, we discussed our intentions with a trusted physician. We wanted to know from a reliable source what are the potential medical issues/risks involved and, if we decided to proceed, what precautions we should take. This went well beyond the use of condoms.

 

 

Or you could do what we did which was talk it over with each other, meet some people, have sex with them, and start a wonderful adventure. You will find more expert advice here on both the psychology of swinging and even STD's on these boards than most professionals would have to offer.

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Or you could do what we did which was talk it over with each other, meet some people, have sex with them, and start a wonderful adventure. You will find more expert advice here on both the psychology of swinging and even STD's on these boards than most professionals would have to offer.

 

Your plan is the one that sounds better plan to me.

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I really love having sex with my partner but I am a newish parent (our daughter is almost 2) and our relationship got off to a pretty rocky and crazy start. We didn't really have much time alone (living with roommates, on our own 6 months) before our daughter came along.We fell hard in to a rut after she was born.

 

We are both really open, loving people so I could see how swinging could fit into our lives. I don't think we are the swinging party types but more of the semi committed relationship with another couple type if that makes sense.. (At least sexually committed anyways)

 

Thank you for all the amazing advice! Such a great board with amazing insightful people who have been there. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to help. This has been a challenge for our relationship but its already improved so much since our first encounter. Now I just have to make sure I have my head on straight :)

 

I would be very careful about trying to establish a committed (exclusive) relationship with another couple or single. In my opinion this leads to trouble. I really feel that swinging should be about variety and fun. Keeping things light and without attachments will be better for your relationship and the other couple.

 

It sounds like with your history it would be good to focus on yourselves for the time being. When your sex life and romantic relationship are where you are very content, then add someone new to the mix.

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You're going to get a lot of varying advice on this topic. You'll have to sort through it all and decide what rings true to you and discard the rest. Keep in mind that much of what you read (not necessarily here, but from other sources) is written by people with an agenda.

 

When Ann and I decided we were serious about the possibility of swinging, we did two things that, in retrospect, turned out to be very helpful:

 

First, we sat down with our psychotherapist and discussed our thoughts and intentions. We wanted to hear her advice and opinions on the subject and take them into consideration before we took any concrete action. What she had to say, while not what we expected, was very helpful. The emotional mine field was just one of the many topics that we covered.

 

Second, at the urging of our psychotherapist, we discussed our intentions with a trusted physician. We wanted to know from a reliable source what are the potential medical issues/risks involved and, if we decided to proceed, what precautions we should take. This went well beyond the use of condoms.

 

We cannot overstate the value of having heard this advice before we took any action. It profoundly altered our path in the lifestyle.

 

After reading your post, you might want to take a step back and adopt a similar course of action before you go any farther down the road.

 

Good luck.

 

I think this is good advice. Not many people have a psychotherapist so that part doesn't apply to most, but speaking with your doctor is a good idea. You should get the Hep B immunization series, be sure you have the most appropriate birth control and you may consider the HPV vaccine.

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First, we sat down with our psychotherapist and discussed our thoughts and intentions. ...

 

Second, at the urging of our psychotherapist, we discussed our intentions with a trusted physician.

 

Or you could do what we did which was talk it over with each other, meet some people, have sex with them, and start a wonderful adventure. You will find more expert advice here on both the psychology of swinging and even STD's on these boards than most professionals would have to offer.

 

An example of two uniquely different approaches. If I was a student of psychology, if my professor hadn't already made it one of my assignments, I would find forums such as this one, a term paper gold mine. I'm sure there are a few professionals among us:)

 

Individual experiences vary. When you add your wife or husband you have two experiences that you hope will be compatible. There are no "rules". There are too many variables that determine what a good experience is for each individual. This is great place to come to get different perspectives.

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I think this is good advice. Not many people have a psychotherapist so that part doesn't apply to most, but speaking with your doctor is a good idea. You should get the Hep B immunization series, be sure you have the most appropriate birth control and you may consider the HPV vaccine.

 

The US has the highest rates of STDs/STIs in the developed world. A visit to a medical professional prior to engaging in lifestyle activities, followed by regularly scheduled tests, ought to be considered standard form.

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The US has the highest rates of STDs/STIs in the developed world. A visit to a medical professional prior to engaging in lifestyle activities, followed by regularly scheduled tests, ought to be considered standard form.

 

Realistically speaking, outside of the African American community and to a much more limited extent the Hispanic community, the rates are the same in the US as Europe.

 

This doesn't mean its a non-issue, but risk assessment requires adequate information.

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