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Night_creature

Getting cold feet when things start heating up?

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This is an issue for me in the literal and the non-literal sense. I have a low blood pressure, my so extremities tend to get fairly cold, quite quickly. But that is not why I opened this thread.

 

Due to bad memories and bad experiences it takes me a while to get around to sex. One on one is not really a problem, but the next adventure is not going to be one on one, otherwise I wouldn't be here ;)

 

I'm 'afraid' that I might get cold feet during playtime, before sex. I'm one hell of a tease, can't get enough of making my BF crazy, and I don't think I'll have much issues with doing that to another man. But getting a man horny tends to create expectations. And I'm sure that everyone will assure me that no is no, even halfway. But that doesn't take away the feeling of being a letdown when I say no, just when things start coming around to sex.

 

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Being the man let down, or the woman saying no? Or the other way round?

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I would take things really slow. Start out just playing with your boyfriend in the same room or on the same bed as another couple, let them know up front that is your intention. If that goes well, the next time with the same or a different couple try soft-swap. That is basically foreplay and oral with other people. Soft swap gives you plenty of lee-way to switch back to your own partner at anytime without it being awkward.

 

If you have decided to full swap it's still fairly common for there to be some switching back and forth if you are on the same bed. You can just say something like, "Honey, I need your cock inside me now." Everyone will just read that as hot, rather than an outright rejection. You can then whisper in his ear that you are done with the other person and finish with him.

 

I've never stopped play before sex in a full swap situation, but sometimes during sex or oral sex I've felt twinges of, "Eh, this is not what I signed up for." Before I stop, I try to adjust positions, suggest something else or adjust my imagination. That can help. It's a balance between not causing drama or disrupting your boyfriend/husband's good time versus having a shitty time yourself. You don't want to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable for the sake of everyone else's fun. But, you do want to do what you can to turn it around to be pleasurable for you.

 

During sex with friends, my husband sometimes pulls me away to help get him hard again or to have some connection. That has never been a problem and my partners have always been gracious about it. It is something that happens quite a bit in swinging. Being able to switch gears from the new person back to your significant other is pretty important in my opinion. Make sure you and your boyfriend agree about that. Speaking from experience, not giving your primary partner what they need in the moment can lead to hurt feelings. We've both done it and it's just better to keep your love first even when you are actively fucking someone else. So if one of you absolutely needs to pull the fire alarm the other must agree no matter how hot the situation to go. This can feel rude or wrong, but you need to for the sake of your relationship.

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I would agree to what FCD said. Start slow, just watch another couple, play with your partner, next to them playing with theirs. Then slowly move on to something more. Yeah, we have had more awkward situations where one guy just got up and left the room? I wouldn't suggest that. However hopping back and forth from your partner to another partner, for whatever reason, is pretty common. There are a lot of sexy ways to have fun.

 

I would say this. Don't lead on people for just the fun of it, your own power trip, whatever. We have had it happen, and frankly it is a drag. If you have figured out you have cold feet early, do everyone a favor and stop flirting.

 

Good luck!!

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Obviously I'm not gonna lead anyone on 'for the fun of it'

When I have cold feet I know I should stop.

But it's the feeling of being a let down that I struggle with.

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The others above have given you some pretty good advice, and I think their line of reasoning sounds like a good approach!

 

It's clear that you are concerned about the possibility that you might change your mind or feel the need to stop sometime after things begin to heat up with someone else. You mentioned bad memories and bad experiences. Are you concerned that something might happen between you and another guy that reminds you of one of those bad memories, that triggers a feeling that you need to get out of the situation? This could bear some thinking through and discussion with your guy, or perhaps with a counselor, especially if the feeling is a strong, sudden, impulse to escape from the situation. Do you think there are specific actions that might trigger this kind of feeling in you? A certain kind of touch, certain words or actions? If there are some triggers that you can identify, then you can let a potential play partner know, if you feel like the person is sensitive and you have some good chemistry developing.

 

To answer your question, people try to come into a lifestyle event without expectations. But of course the farther things go with a couple (flirting, kissing, petting, disrobing), the higher will be the hopes of the other couple for playing. That said, any couple with a grain of sensitivity will understand if you need to stop at any point, especially given that you guys are pretty new. Finding an experienced couple would be a plus for you guys, I think.

 

Going forward in the months to come, if you find that it happens often that you need to stop after things have gotten started, you may want to take a step back and ask yourself whether this swinging thing is something you really are enjoying. It is perhaps premature to be asking yourself that question now, and hopefully you will find that this is not as much of a concern as you fear it will be!

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Thanks for all the replies :)

I don't know if there are certain things that trigger my reactions. Or if it's going to be triggered at all.

Thankfully my bf and me have talked about this, and will continue doing so. We have discussed ways to look out for each other, and in what kind of situations we might need an out.

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